I just found out that a friend of mine, an older widow who lives alone, was taken for $$$$ (so much money I can't even print it here) by a man pretending to be an electrical engineer from Sunnyvale, currently living in Malaysia on a project. His money is being held by the govt. for back taxes, and he needs her to loan him money to get it back. She even showed me a copy of the letter that the money was being held by the United Nations! Uggggg. He asked for her ring size, told her he is a widow, his 24 year old daughter is a widow, too, and she has a four year-old grandchild that he cares for. Oh, and he sent her receipts that are so fake it pained me to look at them. She still does not believe that this guy is not real. He was supposed to fly out last week, and sent her his plane confirmation. He never showed up. Surprise! She told me that she is afraid he was not allowed to leave the country because of the big mess with the money. I tried to convince her in every way possible that she was taken, but she refuses to believe me. She is a smart, responsible, intelligent woman, and I cannot BELIEVE she could fall for this. I am open to any and all suggestions of things I can gently say to get her to see reality. I am sick over this situation, and I have tried everything I know, including similar stories online, and yet she still told me he would never do that to her. This is soooo sad!!!! Please don't comment about how foolish she is. The heart believes what it wants to believe. We have all been there at one time or another.
PS - The bank contacted the police on her behalf. There is a detective on the case. She said that the officer lied to her because he said there was no such person in Sunnyvale, and she found one online. There is, indeed, a man with that name living in Sunnyvale, but he is a young college professor. I believe that the police WILL do what they can, but my problem is that she still thinks she is engaged and that he will show up!
Ugh. Some people.
Sounds like the authorities are involved.
Does she have family? If so, I would make them aware of what is going on asap. They need to know!
Take the airline confirmation and call the airline. Perhaps if someone outside the illusion tells her the cold facts she will get it. Pretty much verify every document he has sent her. Hopefully after enough people tell her the documents are frauds she will understand he is a fraud.
Why don't the both of you call his bluff and say you are flying out to visit! See what he says then.
A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still.
&
Most people would rather be fools, than be shown to be fools.
Both of which mean, your chances are slim in the extreme. With patients we believe are faking, we give them an 'out'. A placebo soothes their pride enough that they are able to retain their dignity (not be shown to be fools), and go about their lives.
You friend did what she believed was right, and feels good about it. Convincing her what she did was wrong / foolish? Will not only be difficult to accomplish, but also may cause more harm than good.
If she is over 65 then go to your local law enforcement office and speak to a detective they should be able to help
.... your friend is really swept up into this facade.
Don't know if anyone can convince her.
She even doesn't believe the Detective.
Good thing the Police is on this and her bank contacted the Police.
That may be her only, way to believe this fraud.
I don't think you can convince her but you can contact the authorities and perhaps they can convince her.
Talk to the police first of all! They need to be involved and maybe they can convince her.
Oh, how sad. How could people do such a thing? When she finally realizes what is happening, she is going to be devastated. She will need you to be there for her then. You have tried everything, let it run its course.
Help her contact the American embassy there and they can tell her for sure. SCAM!
I am so glad the Bank and Police are on this..
Next is her family...
and then
Next time you are at her home.. The get the name of her physician off of one of her medications and call them.. Let them know you are concerned about her mentally,, Maybe they could call her in for a check up?
This is all very scary.. Not sure how you can convince her unless you take her to his address and show her what is going on in person..
If she is getting this through the mail, it might be mail fraud. A postal worker told me one time that a woman was sending money to something like this (Nigeria scam) and she tore it up in front of the woman and told her it was mail fraud.
Can you call her physician and tell him or her what is going on and that you are worried that something is wrong with her mind? Get her to the doctor any way you can. The doc can't talk about her to you, but you can talk to the doctor.
Dawn
Ditto what Jessica Wessica said. Probably not much you can do for her until she accepts the truth. But be there for her all the way and reaffirm to her how much you care about her and what happens to her.
Contact the authorities.
My husband had a friend who was scammed like this. At this point, she is so dragged into this, that she will have to be continually heartbroken to accept it. It's big time DENIAL. Also, she DOES she the writing on the wall, but she's humiliated. She will continue to play into this, with the hopes there is a miracle and he's real. Yes, she IS foolish..and like you said...it does not good to comment on that. She KNOWS. Her heart knows he's not real, but she's really in this now. Truly, she is putting all her hope that he is real and she doesn't come put looking like a complete fool. It's so sad. (For the record, That's what our friend told us 2 years after his experience. He said he knew she wasn't real, but he had to hope.) She knows she is smart and responsible, and she is thinking how embarrassing it is, for this to happen to her. You will NOT convince her. Only the humiliating reality will, unfortunately. She is desperate for this love, and you can't reason with desperation.
Please call the police. This is so sad.
My heart breaks for your friend and for you, having to watch from the sidelines. The sad reality is she wants to believe he's telling the truth and everyone else is wrong. She's probably from the "stand by your man" generation when people behaved with integrity.
She is lonely and desperate for love and companionship. Unfortunately its her money and all you can do is try to keep her from sending more. The money she's already sent is long gone. I liked the other post's idea of telling this guy she is coming to help him get out of his country. Would be interesting to see his reaction to that one. I suspect she might actually insist on going so it might backfire. You also might consider taking her to Sunnyvale for lunch at the college where the professor teaches.
In the end, I think all you can do is continue to be the wonderful caring friend you have been so far. Once she finally realizes she's been duped, she's going to be embarrassed and humiliated and will need a sympathetic shoulder to cry on. I hope for her sake it happens sooner rather than later.
I don't know what you can say to her other than she needs to wake up and look at things for what they really are. The UN doesn't freeze bank accounts unless a person is involved in terrorist plots.
She has no idea who this person is, where this person is, has never met this person in person...she may be funding a terrorist organization in Yemen for all she knows.
If she's not going to look at the reality of the situation, then there is nothing to say.
Unfortunately, I don't think she'll believe it until the situation plays out. Either that or she already knows she was taken for a fool and is too embarrassed to admit it out loud. The more you try to make her see this scam artist for what he is, the more proof you and the police show her, the more she's going to want to hear from this guy and see him and have him tell her that it's all a big mistake... just a misunderstanding.
You've done what you can, and I do think that as you discover more about him the more you should forward it to the police. If he does contact her, let the police know. If they arrange a meeting place and time, let the police know. But you can still be supportive of your friend now without making your friendship be about This Scam Artist.
Distract her. Talk about other things with her. Show her how much she's valued. Be her soft place to land. Make sure she knows that you don't judge her. She already knows what you think (and know) about Scam Artist. The points are being driven home even if you think they're not. So from here on out, just love her and listen to her.
"I know, it's tough. You'll figure it all out, though. You're even tougher."
"Situations like this always work out even if it's not how we imagine. Let's go out for Mexican tonight and take our minds off this."
"That must be difficult for you. What if we go bowling to blow off some steam?"
"This sounds really hard. Do you remember what we used to do back in college to cheer ourselves up? When we would go be silly at Zoro's Pub and pretend we were French tourists and score free cocktails all night from the guys playing pool? I'll bet we could score a couple of cocktails tonight..."
She is so lonely and desperate for the love and affection of this non-existent man that there is really nothing you can do but be there when the bubble bursts. Have the names of several professional counselors handy because she is really going to need them. Her unwillingness to believe you only indicates just how deeply this will impact and hurt her if he isn't real.
Long story short you never get engaged to someone you have never met in person. You don't know them and you need to get to know them for at least a year to see who they truly are.
She is fortunate to have you for a friend. Keep the friendship if you can after she finds out the truth.
It will dawn on her in time. She is going to feel so stupid. I would work less on convincing her and more on being there once it sinks in. Letting her feel safe to come to you. But do try to help to make sure she is not taken for any more money.
I am so sorry , what a heartbreak this will be. Has she called the U.N. herself, has she asked to speak with some of his family so she can "work" with them to get him back? I am sure she doesn't want to pry because the truth hurts, but if she did these couple of things herslelf then she may see. Tell her you are willing to help her and be there but you want her to reach out to his family for help as well. That should say a lot!
that sounds like this
http://www.delphifaq.com/faq/male_scammers/f6250.shtml?p=9
http://suite101.com/article/internet-dating-scams-a48951
would showing her things like this help?
see if you can find his profile on one of these type sites
http://www.romancescam.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=...
Sounds like she's very lonely and in denial. You can't save her from herself and you sure as he!! can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Unfortunately, you're going to have to take a step back, as hard as it is, and let her hit rock bottom.
One of my tenants is going through something similar right now. She even told me she would soon be moving to Pakistan to get married and that he will be sending her a plane ticket.
I've told her it's a scam as she sends gifts to him and money (that she doesnt have) all the while telling everyone she is engaged to be married to this guy and they will be buying a house in Kentucky after they are married. He even sent her a listing for the "pretend" house that he is purchasing.
I feel for her, she is gullible and has some ptsd/adhd issues and has two teenage daughters.
It is amazing what lonely people will believe.
Predators suck.
