HELP! Is My Child a Brat??

NO he is not a brat, he's learning that he is a little person not an extension of you. He has needs and wants and doesn't know the difference and doesnt know how to express either one to you. Read the Happiest Toddler on the block it will explain his point of view at each stage, and how to best help him get through his day with out melt downs. He could be very bright and hitting the toddler stages early, If you teach him sign language it will help him learn to talk much faster and he will be able to tell you what he feels, what he wants. This is not about needing discipline this is about him needing to express himself and right now the only way he knows how is shrieking, crying and throwing himself on the floor. Dont make him feel like a bad boy, teach him how to express himself better.

Wow, to even state that an 11 month old may be a brat is really harsh. With that being said, at 11 months old he is learning how to express himself. If he isn't able to communicate through language, this is how he is choosing to communicate with you and let you know when he is mad, or wants something. Ignore the tantrum, then come back and reevaluate the situation. It could be a little bit of spoiling if everytime he wants to be held and he throws a tantrum you give in, so just divert his attention to something else, a toy, book, etc. so that you're not constantly having to hold him or keep his attention. Remember he is only 11 months and still very needy at this age.

Yes it is normal. My son will be 12 months on the 29th and he does some of the same things. He doesn't collapse as much as slowly lay his forhead on the ground while crying a shreiking cry wich makes me laugh because he will peek up to see if I am watching him! I try to distract him and if he wants held I just hold him what else can you do? He is a baby so he doesn't have communication skills so if he is upset crying is the only way to tell you. I think it is hysterical but try hard not to laugh at my son because he is already a ham his brothers laugh and sometimes it fuels the fire.....It wil pass.....

Oh my goodness, NO, your child is not a brat. He is still a baby.

He has all of these feelings and does not know how to talk to express what he needs. Distraction can stop this. Knowing if your child is hungry, tired, frightened or frustrated is also very helpful. YOU are the parent, you need to teach him the words for his feelings.

Figure out what triggers these episodes.

Some children think when you turn your back, you are actually not there any more, because they cannot see your face.. Frightened..

Some children need to hear your voice around them to reassure them you are still around, but not right in front of them.

Most children love and respond to distraction.. Remember his attention span is almost 1 minute.. that means he is searching and exploring something different every minute!

Is he walking? Is he about to walk? Some children become a little more fussy when they are about to meet a milestone. They just have a lot going on in their minds and bodies.. again they do not know why..

It really will help a lot to find a development book and a parenting book. It will take away your frustrations and his too.

It is just his age and development.
Normal.

Get the Book "What To Expect The First Year", and "What To Expect The Toddler Years."

EVERY kid/baby, will do that. Even with the BEST of kids.
Your kid is not a brat.
They don't even know how to communicate yet at this age.
They don't even know how to have a 'conversation' at this age.
They don't even have fully developed "impulse control" at this age.
They don't even have fully developed "emotions" at this age.
They don't even know the exact names, for their feelings at this age.
They don't even understand social nuances at this age, or what it means.
They don't even have social skills at this age.
They don't even have at-will full control over their impulses at this age.
They are not, fully developed at this age.

At 11 months old, your child cannot be a brat. (And he sounds absolutely normal!)

I will give you my textbook statement regarding spoiling: When we do something for our child, at their insistence, that we do not want to do (and we often know is not the right thing for them), THAT is spoiling. Spoiling is often going against what one knows is right in order to appease a child, either because they are upset or threatening to be upset.

This would be the parent who buys the toy at the store because they want to avoid a tantrum, or the family that lets the child make the choices at inappropriate times because they want the child to be 'happy'. Spoiling comes from the habit of giving the parental power to the child.

With some babies, their opinions start to come to the fore, immediately. Their brains are still developing and often, they operate from their more primitive, 'lower' brain. Thus, any sense of disappointment or deprivation is perceived as pain, just as they would process having their fingers slammed in a door. It *is* real pain to them, and so we see their anger, rage, frustration and sadness.

What I would suggest is distraction and redirection, and setting up your home environment to provide as few 'no's as possible. I believe the last to be key. Some parents prefer not to childproof or change how they live to suit their child's immaturity, and prefer to 'teach' their child which things they might or might not have access to. I find that this doesn't really do a lot of 'teaching', because the child is often angry at being denied and doesn't absorb 'the lesson'. Instead, I find that putting adult things up out of reach is a huge help. Making their areas safe is vital to everyone's happiness.

Distracting/redirecting our children is also useful and works, even sometimes on adults! Instead of taking a toy away abruptly, draw your son's attention to something similarly interesting and gently say "Oh, this one (to be removed) is for mama. You may have *this one*" and hand it to him. Redirecting him when you set him down, making sure it's in a cozy place where he can move and has distractions (toys) helps.

I also found that it wasn't "no" that kids find so upsetting, but what *we* do along with that "no". If we are taking something away, or removing our child from something they are finding interesting, this can be what they are responding to. Over my years of working with very young children, I decided to stop saying 'no' and to just use positive redirection, mainly because "no" is both a trigger word and is abstract to a baby. Instead, I try to offer other toys in a calm way or to say "stop, please" or "let go, now"... telling the child what I want them to do. I've also found that this resulted in less automatic "no's" from the child during the toddler years, because I was teaching them a more effective way of communicating.

I found, too, that wearing my son in on my back at that age was a lifesaver for us. Babies need to be held, they desire contact, and become anxious when they feel ignored. If you can, consider wearing your little guy at certain times during the day when it's safe. Or put him up into the high chair, close by, when you are making dinner, so he can be up at your height. Let him keep busy with a couple of cheerios and practice his pincer grip.

Love your baby up as much as you can, and when he does get upset, try to remember that he's not a brat, he's just still very little. To learn more on human brain development, there's a great book called "The Science of Parenting" by Margo Sunderland which discusses the lofty concept in a very easy to read fashion. Even after years of caring for little ones, I found this book very insightful and informative in both knowing what our children are truly capable of feeling/doing and how to adjust my expectations and responses to best facilitate their healthy emotional development. Worth it!

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I hope you will avoid calling your child a brat, or even thinking of him in those terms. Once we attach labels to people, good or bad, they tend to live up or down to perceived expectations. This is especially true with parents and children. And parents, too, will start looking for proof of their assessment, thus missing all the evidence that might show the child is just a normal, everyday sort of kid with good moments and bad moments.

It's really hard to see inside a little's mental processes, but children that young are known to suffer separation anxiety, and they really want to be part of what's going on in the higher altitudes of their homes and family lives. Wouldn't you, if you were insatiably curious, hands-on, extremely short, unable to climb, possibly not yet able to walk, and couldn't yet talk about your desires and frustrations?

You can strike a balance that will meet more of your son's needs and still give him short periods of practice with dealing with his own frustrations. But they really need to be short, because toddlers and younger have extremely limited coping skills, and their lives, observed closely, are already filled to the brim with frustrations large and small. And kids who get the most interaction from caring adults and older siblings at this age make huge intellectual and emotional gains compared with kids who don't.

Something that worked well for my grandson, and my daughter a generation earlier, was to either wear them in a backpack so they could see what was going on, or set them in a high chair close to the action during meal prep and other tasks. Giving them a piece of the action, and maybe a couple of tools to imitate the adult activity, was very satisfying for all concerned.

I love the examples of Dr. Harvey Karp (The Happiest Toddler on the Block) interacting with crying, tantruming toddlers in their own language: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ1428uYs2g&NR=1&a....

Yes this is normal, no he is not to young for disapline, but do not punish him over this. you are about to enter the toddler years (yeh! lol) and they can be rough sometimes. your little man will get confused and frustrated easily because he cant always understand you or make you understand him. when my son collaspes crying on the floor I usually ignore him. if you react he will keep doing it. as for disapline, it should begin around 10mnths (this is according to the book "what to expect in the first year". when my sons trantrums become to much I set him in his crib. not to punish him but because he needs time to calm down. when he does I go in and get him and ask "are you all right now?" and he usually says yes, and then runs off to play (he is 19mnths)

He's at an age where separation anxiety sets in for some babies. Have there been any changes in your lives? Is he anxious about something. Is he sick? Babies do have feelings. They just aren't able to verbalize them and hence the clingy, shrieking, crying.

How do you set him on the floor? and how do you say no? Are you able to be calm, matter of fact, and kind? Do you get upset/cranky yourself when he behaves this way? I'd try gentleness and kindness as well as holding him when he wants to be held when he's not in a tantrum and when you have to put him down ignore the tantrum but pick him up and hold him once he calms down. Stay calm. Once he feels secure he'll let you put him down without so much of a fuss.

As to saying no, I'd ignore the tantrum but pick him up and comfort him once he calms down. Never give in when he throws a tantrum to your no. Be sure you mean no so that you can stick with it. But be sympathetic to his pain. None of us like no. We have to learn to accept no, however. Comfort him once he calms down.

Above all, be consistent, calm, sympathetic while being firm.

It's been a long time since I have had a little one (my daughter is 17) but I think he just wants to feel close to his mommy. I don't feel he can be spoiled at this point and certainly isn't a brat. Just love on him and make him feel secure. Good luck!

My now 9 year old actually demonstrated she clearly understood "no" at 8 months. Totally blew me away when I tried to stop her from doing something and just naturally said no. All of a sudden, she turned around, looked at me with this look of "I'm doing it anyway" and literally turned back around and proceeded to do what she I said no to.

From there I started saying no to see what her reactions would be. And wouldn't you know it, she would stop doing what she was doing. Again this is at 8 months. I think you should discipline according to what your child understands. I noticed this same understanding in a 10 month old that I used to babysit. Again, naturally saying no and she responded in a way that let me know her parents had already started saying no to her. I asked to be sure and the answer was yes.

Behaviors form very early!!!! Ultimately, it's up to nip it in the bud or wait until it's totally out of control because you think it's not age appropriate to discipline. But do know this, if anyone babysits for you, they may not have that same tolerance as you do. They will either discipline or stop helping you out when you need a sitter.

I would try to redirect him, find out if he's hungry, tired, or wet. Sometimes kids just melt and they don't know why. If he really does something wrong, say NO and take him away from that object or area. If he cannot be consoled, then let him cry if he's in a safe place, and don't give him an audience.

We also taught my daughter from very young to "take a breath" to calm down. I don't remember when it started (I think more for me than her) or when it kicked in, but it helps.

Sometimes it may also help to be goofy. "Oh my goodness! How loud you are! I need to cover my ears!" and then put socks on your ears. Or potholders. Or pull your hat low over your head. It may be the switch you need.

11mths old a brat ? 11yr old quite possibly but 11mth old ? never your child is asking for love and security. By with holding you will 'not teach him lesson' you will make his insecurities worse. You are the be all and end all in your babies life, such a privilage, cherish this time and ask for help when you need a break because we all need time out

My third terror started the raging fits at 6-8 months. I could no longer pretend it wasn't happening at 9 months. They had gotten very deliberate and manipulative-p.m. me for specific examples. I come from a long line of people who discipline starting in infancy to prevent terrible two's and beyond.

No, he's not too young. But lots of people will tell you to wait. It's up to you. The younger you start, the easier it is because habits don't form and you'll need less discipline later.

My ex-terror is now 19 months old and tantrum free. It took diligent discipline until she was about 15 months old which is WAY harder than it was with my other two who didn't even try tantrums until her current age, and only tried them once or twice before they "got it" that it would never be allowed.

She's very advanced and challenging in many ways, so the early discipline has really paid off. My Amish neighbors start discipline at 6 months! Their 6 kids are ages 2-20 and all wonderful happy kids. Same with my extended family. People do it, it's up to you what your philosophy is.
Here's a great book. The discipline starts around 2-ish I think, but you could start younger if you decide to. I have an even younger Amish one if you're interested.
www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com

I am sure that you have plenty of helpful advice already, but here is my 2 cents.

With a baby that age I would "ignore" the tantrum. Take a deep breath and look away. The more attention you give to THAT behavior... the more the baby will use that as a way to GET your attention.

After the baby realizes he is being ignored and the tantrum isn't working (stops screaming, etc)... come down to his level and very calmly explain why you said no, or ask him what he needs etc. Encourage him to point and use his "big kid words" rather than crying to communicate what he can.
If you said no make your explanations SUPER simple... like if he was reaching up om to the stove you could say "NO, hot! You'll get hurt!"- rather than "I don't want you to climb on the stove because it is dangerous and you'll get burned"... those explanations can come later when you have a toddler who is understanding speech at a higher level.

He is too little for "punishments"... and usually by the time the punishment was over he would have forgotten why he was in trouble in the first place... save time-outs and other punishments till your baby is closer to two.

At this age the baby is just learning communication, and he is trying to find out what is the "best" (most effective) way to communicate his needs to you. Crying, up till now was his ONLY means of saying "hey mom", or "I need something" or "no, don't do that"- but as he gets into toddlerhood he can *begin* transitioning to speech and body language as his primary form of communication with you... Also, if you can stop, or at least curb a lot of these tantrums now, you may save yourself a lot of heartache when you get to the "terrific OR terrible twos" and beyond!

By the way... try to be attentive... if your baby starts "spinning up" into a tantrum but has not quite erupted, try to head it off by gently saying... "Shhhhh.... (baby's name), now what do you need?" When the request is reasonable... reward a calm, appropriate response with whatever he wants... but NOT if he starts screaming. He'll soon understand that he gets more of what he wants by being "polite" that by being a screamer! Obviously if it is something he cannot have, try to give him a different option to appease him... so you are still rewarding the good behavior... even if it is just a big hug and a kiss!

Good Luck
-M.

you think this is bad, wait until he turns 3. 3 is the new 2!
Totally normal!

My DD is 10 months old. She has been doing the same thing for the last month. At first I chalked it up to needing more 'mommy time' so I would pick her up when she was being 'bratty'. She started getting worse, especially if I was around, so I have started letting her throw her tantrum, and I don't even look at her until she calms down. She has started getting better about it. :) One thing that helps too it to think of WHY she is throwing the tantrum. Half the time I will start to just ignore her temper, then I will think 'wait... it's 11:45... only 15 minutes from naptime, and she woke up 30 minutes early today...' 10 minutes later she is happily sleeping away, tantrum avoided. Or maybe I realize that I haven't given her any real playtime yet, so of course she wants my attention! If she's teething, not feelling well, and ALLERGIES! You might get him checked for allergies... it's that season. I noticed my DD was very fussy all the time a couple weeks ago, and upon closer inspection saw that her eyes were a little R. and she seemed congested. She was also hitting/rubbing the side of her head a lot, like she had a headache. We changed all the filters in the house, and started vaccuming more often, and she got quite a bit better. But if you KNOW that it's purely a temper tantrum, ignoring it is the best way I have found to 'treat' them.

No child is too young for discipline!! with that said, discipline is rules and limitations, not punishment and that is why I made that first statement. So, yes you should be disciplining your son period. Meaning, you should be establishing your rules and your son's limitations and you and your husband and any of your sons caregivers should all know what those rules and limitations are so that they are the same regardless of who he is with. We as a society establish these things for common ones such as we wear clothes when out in public and our children may disagree, but somehow, parents manage to get out of the house with kids dressed in clothes and the same should be for whatever other rules and limits you set. As for letting him throw the tantrum? that is a personal choice, but experience for me is that once a child starts one, there really isn't much you can do to stop it, only pick its location, what I did, was to deflect it from getting to that point from the beginning. children need rules and limits for safety and they give them a certain stability as well, they need excersize to expend all that energy or it builds up and then, there she blows.... and they need lots of healthy foods to fuel those growing bodies or there she blows..... and they need lots of good quality sleep to rest those very active bodies or there she blows..... and they need loads of attention & affection to fuel those little hearts, or there she blows... So make sure you provide discipline, exercise, food, sleep, & Love and your child should mellow out and just remember the energy you put out is the energy you will get back...If your tense or angry or frustrated, they will be too....if you calm and assertive, they will be too..... oh and there is no "normal" we are all different and we all do things differently come from different environments etc...Best of luck to you and your son and i hope this helps you find the answers you are seeking.

get his ears checked that sounds to me like sick child behavior. yes he is to young to discipline especially if something is wrong with him. now if he has been checked out and everything is fine I would ignore the temper tantrums. i do this with my almost 3 yr old that is hard of hearing. i discipline defiant tantrums and ignore im not getting what i want cause i cant communicate tantrums.

SOOOO NORMAL!!! Good news is...your kid's not a "brat."
I remember going through this with my first. I thought "oh dear, how in the world did she get like this." But then, she grew out of it. How you deal with it now will shape how they communicate in the future. When my kids did this I would ignore it. If I was afraid that they would hurt themselves, I would put them into the crib and walk away. Once he learns that this type of behavior will not get him what he wants he will move onto something else. Hang in there, this too shall pass!

I highly recommend the book 1-2-3 Magic. It saved my life and I recommend it to all of my clients.

Just because he is acting like that doesn't nesscarily mean he is a brat. He is not to young for discipline. I would give him a stern no with a gentle hand slap. Not to hurt him but to scare him. If he continues with the naughty behavior then I would put him on the time out steps for almost one minute.

He could be sick, or just starting early :)

My son did, and we have been dealing with "TERRIBLE twos" since he was a little over one. I have read happiest toddler on the block, 1,2,3 Magic, Dr. Sears you name it. Right now I am almost done with Parenting with love and logic, birth to six years. And I have to tell you, for the first time, I have some hope!
Check it out, and good luck!!

I think it may be part separation anxiety and part him playing you.

I agree that he's too young for discipline, but maybe not tough love.

If you are cooking or talking on the phone, either walk past him or step over him if he's throwing a tantrum on the floor. My experience has been this is the fastest way to teach kids when behavior will not get them ANY attention.

Recently we had to put the pack n play back up because our son, 17 mos, started hitting and biting to get attention. I tell him "NO BITING" then put him in the PNP for a little time out. Then when he stops screaming, I pick him up, tell him to say sorry and he goes off to play. It really stopped most of the hitting and biting in only 1 week! He knew what was going to happen if he hit or bit and learned fast.

I don't think he's a brat at all. I think he's a normal kid just trying to get Mom's attention.

He is not a brat, he is a baby! Your son is starting to understand that he is a separate person with his own wants, likes, dislikes, needs, feelings, etc. He gets upset when he doesn't get his own way and he has not yet developed the skills to deal with that. When you get denied something you really want it hurts, does't it? When your friend cancels a lunch date or you get a parking ticket or your husband is too busy to talk to you or you can't find the great shoes on sale in your size it is frustrating and disapointing to you, that is how your baby is feeling. The difference is that he doesn't know how to deal with those big, uncomfortable feelings, so he throws a tantrum. I think that at this age the best thing you can do is just hold him and comfort him, let him know that you are still there for him even if you will not let him have the sucker that he wants or play in the toilet or whatever! As far as being clingy, he just loves you and craves your attention! It is vital for young children to have lots of attention and affection from their parents. I read a study once that stated that parents in America held their babies less than in almost any other country, mere minutes a day on average. I think that kind of poor child rearing is what leads to troubled, deliquent children. American parents place too much emphasis on independence in babies when, really, a baby is the MOST dependent person in the world! Your baby feels safe and loved when you are holding him, and rejected and insecure when you refuse to hold him. Hold your baby as much as you can, he will grow out of wanting to be held soon enough and you will miss this precious time, good luck!

he is not to young to discipline- the best way to handle a tantrum is walk away dont talk to him or acknowledge him until he stops and when he does finally stop inform him that behavior is not tolerated. He will do it a few more times before he finally understands that tantrums do not get him what he wants.

BTW this is normal at his age and if you let it go it will just get worse. At some point in life everybody's kid turns into a brat they grow out of it.

I have 4 kids and this is SO normal. He is working you, and NO he is not too young for discipline. He certainly is understanding that if he throws a tantrum that you will pick him up right? Then he will certainly understand that if he throws a tantrum you won't pick him up. You are not spoiling him, he is just stretching his limits to see where they are. He is not doing it consciously but he is learning and it is your job to teach.

When he starts to throw himself to the floor find a place in your home to sit him by himself for one minute. Then come back and give him lovin' and bring him back to where you were when he threw the tantrum and maintain what you expected from him in the first place. Sometimes they get it right away and other times it takes a few weeks. I usually find that I have to stay home a lot during these phases. He will figure it out and you will find sanity until the next challenge.

Good luck!

K.,

Don't stress. Just deal with it. Your child is quite normal. Good luck!