Help I Want My Bed Back...........

Watch a few episodes of Nanny 911 or SuperNanny, this is a common problem - you'll need some tough love and maybe earplugs...good luck!

I would let my daughter sleep with me until she was sleeping, then I would get up and sleep else where, then she got used to sleeping alone, and it was not difficult to move her.

My daughter went through this stage. She didn't come in every night, but often. We always started her in her bed, period. She'd fall asleep and if she came in our room in the middle of the night, we'd tell her she could not sleep in our bed, and help her to go back to her bed. At first she'd start to get upset, so we started allowing her to sleep in our room on the floor in a sleeping bag. We left the sleeping bag where she could get it and she'd drag it in and crawl in and go right back to sleep. As time went on, she'd start choosing her bed about half the time and finally she just grew out of the stage. So we were able to give her the comfort she needed by being near us, without sacrificing our space and good night's sleep.

I personally found that letting her have a screaming fit or getting into a battle of wills in the middle of the night meant no one got any sleep and we all had bad next days. My husband and I both agreed that neither of our kids should be allowed to sleep in our bed (minus sick times, bad dreams, the extenuating circumstances). We set boundaries right away that this is mommy and daddy's bed - only mommy and daddy sleep here. Consequently both of our kids have very good sleep habits minus this stage my daughter was in when she was about 2 1/2 - 3 yrs. I truly believe you can give your kids the comfort they need while maintaining your boundaries. You just have to stick to your guns and/or find a compromise that respects your boundaries and helps your child at the same time (ie: sleeping bag).

Hi A.,

Check out the book, "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Dr Marc Weissbluth. It's a good book to help with sleep training at any age, and he does understand that the whole family needs to have good sleep. I'm sorry you and your daughter are going through this right now - you've gotten some good advice re consistency and establishing some comforting bedtime routines. Nightlights might actually have the opposite effect - people have been proven to sleep best in a darkened room (including children). Maybe a light in the hallway if you have her room door pulled almost closed (just closed but not latched shut)?

Be patient, I know it's hard - but your little girl is really looking to you and needs you. She's still only a baby really and it's normal for her to want and need comfort from you especially around sleeping. However, you can help her learn to sleep well on her own - with time and patience.

Best wishes for peaceful sleep soon for all of you!

S.

Hi A.,

Been there and done that. Try making a chart like a calendar and marking every night she sleeps the whole night in her room with a star. When she gets a week of stars she gets a special treat. Explain the whole thing to her before you start and make sure she understands. Make the treat something she really wants. It could be a trip to the ice cream store or the zoo or even a toy she really wants. Also, spend time IN her room with her so she gets more comfortable. You might tell her "If you play in your room for 20 minutes you can have a cookie (or whatever treat she wants). It won't happen overnight, but I hope this helps. Hang in there, A. - Good Sleep is in your Future!

Patti b

In a situation where you are completely butting heads, you might want to try a different angle from the usual "just say no and she'll get over it". It seems that she is already escalating her response by refusing to nap in her own bed - so instead of pushing the battle to the next level, try something different. Instead of instigating an ongoing battle, you can try a sneakier approach that leaves her thinking any changes were her idea. (toddlers usually prefer their own ideas to anyone elses!)

I think a good place to start is to realize that when you move her to her bed in her own room you are making two changes she's opposed to, at the same time: one, sleeping alone, and two, sleeping in a different location.

Try slowing down the transition by only changing one thing at a time. A toddler bed by your bed could be the first step of getting her to sleep alone. Instead of insisting on it, simply set it up, make it as appealing as possible, and make sure that only good things happen in that bed - read to her, snuggle with her, whatever she really loves. Spend a little time making sure she has a positive association with the bed, and don't even mention sleeping in it.

When she's asleep you could lay her down in her bed next to you. But otherwise, let it be her idea. If she doesn't seem to be moving in that direction after a couple of weeks, you could set up a reward system but in order to not go back to the battle, it's important to limit your response to her to only the positive - "When you sleep a whole night in your cozy bed, you get a ______" Don't say it like "if you don't sleep in your bed you won't get a ________" because as we all know a toddler hears that as a challenge and says, Bring It On.

After she is comfortable with the bed and with sleeping in it, and no longer feels a sense of pressure from you, then consider setting one up in her room and do the same routine - don't mention it - let it be her idea - and just quietly wait. Make it as appealing as possible. Think of the process as a lot like fishing; you don't force the fish into the boat, you LURE them!! :)

We did this with our son, and in three weeks he started sleeping in his room himself. At first he came back into our room, but we didn't mention it, and he was sleeping the whole night in his room shortly thereafter.

A. - we had the same problem w/our youngest son. You might not like to hear this, but I would suggest putting a toddler bed in your room right next to your bed, that way she can feel you if she wakes up in the night. And it should get better once she has a sibling to share her bed with, so you better get busy!

The middle ground that is working for us is to put the kids to sleep in my bed (2 y.o. & 4 y.o.). After they are sleeping well, we bring them to their bed. Then at least I can get a good sleep & cuddle some with dad. The 4 y/o wanders into our bed sometime in the night most nights, but at least I am getting better sleep & it isn't two of them or all night.

She's not too young to talk to. I would tell her she's a big girl now and big girls sleep in their own bed. I would also give her rewards for going to her own bed and sleeping there through the night. The reward doesn't have to be materialistic, it could be as simple as reading her favorite book or, my daughters' favorite, a swing around the room with big hugs and kisses.

I would also recommend (if you don't already do this) a bedtime ritual which creates a sense of bonding and security even if she's not in the same bed. Sometimes when my girls have been scared, I tell them no matter where I am, a part of me will always be with them and watch over them. My girls also have dreamcatchers that hang over their beds to catch bad dreams. If she needs something more tangible a stuffed animal or blanket to hold onto as a representation of you may work well.

Hope these ideas help...

Both of your girls (now 2 & 5) slept with us from they time they were born. Eventually we got to where you're at. They were so disruptive neither of us got any rest. We moved them to their own bed next to ours, so they could come snuggle with me easily if needed. That worked fairly well for our second, but our first, no at all. She'd still spend all night waking me. So one morning (3 am) after being awakened every 30-45 minutes I dragged her mattress into her room, tucked her back and she has slept there peacefully ever since. With our second, the trick was letting her buy/pick out her own bed. Once she realized it was a bed just for her, something her sister hadn't used, and in her own space she was thrilled.

Every child is different, but if her own bedroom isn't working, try a bed or even just a mattress next to you for starters.

Good Luck.

A. ~ I don't know if you have ever watched Nanny 911, but there have been a few episodes that deal with this issue. First, I would like to mention that I personally know some people that have not only 1 kid but 2 kids in their bed STILL. These children are 9 and 7!! If you want to continue to have a connection and continued intimacy with your best friend of 11 years and you need to get her out.. but tenderly.

Stress that her bedroom is her special place with all of her toys and you may want to get her a teddy bear that she can sleep with so she doesn't feel alone. You can set the expectation that you will read her a story and once the story is done it is time for lights out. I found that if the door of my children's room is left open and mine is as well they felt safe and could call out to me if they needed something.

What I have seen on Nanny 911 was done the same, the difference was that if the child came into the room in the middle of the night you were to walk him/her back to bed kiss them goodnight and let them know you would see him/her in the morning. If the child were to come back into the bedroom again, there were to be NO WORDS exchanged, just the walk to the room and a kiss goodnight again.

IF you have to go back and forth at least a dozen times that is fine. You are the adult and eventually someone will give in, hopefully the child. It has worked with me when my son creeped into my bedroom. I simply sat up and let him know that this was MOMMY AND DADDY'S BED and that he needed to go back to his bed, that I love him and I will see him in the morning. It seems harsh. But My Boys sleep in their own beds. I know that it is tempting to give in and let her come back once in a while. So what we have done so the boys can still snuggle and watch movies with us is on Friday's we have a sleep over in the Family Room. It seems to work and gives them something to look forward to during the week.

I hope this was helpful and good luck!
M.

Both my girls were the same way. I found the best was to let them fall asleep in my bed then move them to their own bed during the night. To get them to fall asleep on their own, I would lay with them in my bed then say I had to go to the bathroom and not return. Repeatedly waking up in their own bed allows them to get comfortable with and and understand that they can do it on their own.

my kid is 2 1/2 and he is still welcome to come into our room at night but he is really making progress with sleeping all night in his own room. the big steps in this process have been the switch to a toddler bed next to our bed (about 1 or 1 1/2 y.o.) which he hardly stayed in for a long time, but at least he got the habit with naps. then the switch to his bed in his room (20 mos) which he also didnt last too long in, but once again he went for naps there and went to bed there every night. then around 2 y.o. we started the transition to hands-off settling down. a slow transition from cuddling to sitting next to him in chair and holding hands, to moving chair away from bed across room, to just saying goodnight and leaving. there has been a direct correlation between him achieving this skill (going to sleep alone) and the length of time he stays in his bed at night. i think he is more confident with putting himself back to sleep because we have helped him gain this skill. and we have not had a lot of drama about it. she is old enough to be explained and you seem sensitive enough to her needs not to push too hard. just dont expect it overnight. you have waited a long time, so she may be resistant, but there is nothing wrong with a kid hearing that her parents need more space in the bed. tell her you are having a hard time sleeping and you need the room. kids dont need to think they are the center of the universe. finally, the most important component of our sleep progression has been a solid bed/nap routine so that there is no confusion as to what he should be gearing up for. it is really hard to do this kind of stuff if your kid is spun out tired, so you should be putting her down before she is showing signs of tiredness. good luck and be patient. it is special to sleep with your kids and its nice for them to know they are welcome in your room. its also good for them to see that their parents have their own time and space to take care of themselves, and i dont think you have to go all or nothing with this one.

Dear A.,

Something is hurting her; she's not getting her own way. You mentioned how you feel and how your child feels, but what about your husband?

Most men do not want their children sleeping in their beds on a full time basis. It's O.K. if they are sick, or frightened by a bad dream, but then just to get them calmed down.

Your daughter is too young to fully understand, so she will have to learn by reinforcing that she WILL sleep in her own bed. It will be hard at first but won't take long. Put her down for naps and at bedtime in her own room. Read a story, give a drink of water, hugs, and kisses and tuck her in. Tell he to stay in bed, if she gets up, put her back.... repeat as necessary.

Blessings

My daughter is 26 months old and we just moved her to her big girl bed a month and a half ago (from co-sleeping). I know this is not ideal, but I lay with her until she is asleep and then leave. Sometimes she sleeeps through the night and sometimes I am back and forth many times. I am hoping that she will outgrow this. She loves her bed and doesn't want to fall asleep in our bed. She can have all of her stuffed animals etc around her while she falls asleep. We made a big deal about new bedding for her and she was thrilled. My friend is going through a similar time with her daughter who is almost 3. She gives rewards every morning for staying in bed all night. I think it is a piece of candy. You can use whatever will motivate your daughter.

Our 26 month old sleeps on her crib mattress right next to our bed and we tell her she is a "big girl" and this is "her bed" which she repeats and loves to say/hear.
so she's out of our bed but right next to us; hoping to get her into her own room soon...
good luck!!

i liked the advice that ari gave you and also would just suggest consistancy in getting her to sleep in her own room: you've consistantly let her NOT, and you could consistantly have her DO so, also. after a few months of age, we always had our daughter in her own bed so we didn't face the issue that many parents do who have let their kids sleep with them and it sounds hard. even though your daughter cries, it is partly a manipulation to get you to cave, which it sounds like you DO, showing her that all she has to do is have a fit and you'll give in!!! trust me, every night she would cry a little less and a little less -
anyhow, good luck to you in this challange and whatever you decide to do, again my advice is CONSISTANCY!
smiles!

It sounds like her fear of being alone is very real to her and if she's only used to your bed, I think I would feel the same way if I were her! Then again, I've been in exactly your position and understand totally, there comes a time when you need your own sleeping space! Maybe you could try to transition her gently...a sleeping bag on the floor next to you, which could eventually be moved slowly to her room. It may take a few weeks, but I think it's worth a try (my cousin did it with her oldest and it worked for them). Good luck!