HELP! How to Be Supportive to a Sister Who Doesn't Want to Be Pregnant?

You need to do everything you can to encourage her to keep this child...it will be the biggest mistake of her life if she doesn't...and, later in life, she'll regret it. Call the Advocacy & Pregnancy Center in Lewisville and tell them the situation. They will direct you to some information and help you talk to your sister. Their advice and assistance is free. I'm praying for this child.

Finding out I was pregnant at 34, I cried, was in total denial and all I could think of was "it will never go home and live with us forever." I had a career, a social life and now everyting was changing. Even after seeing sonograms, I was still extremely upset. Surprisingly, my husband took it better than me. The first 5 months it was as if this was happening to someone else. I came from a large family and knew what it took to care for kids, and I did not want the responsibility. At my 5th month sonogram, all of a sudden "It" actually became a baby. Though still very unprepared at birth, pregnancy was a very unnatural state for me - I was in awe of my precious baby. After 13 years of marriage, and being terrified that my life would be ruined, it was total love. My mommy instincts kicked in and it was as if no one else existed. Our daughter is now 12 and I could not imagine life without her.

I don't know if the same will happen for your sister. Had I of not become pregnant by accident, we would have remained childless, and believe we had not missed a thing. I never had yearnings, I could hold babies all day and never feel the tugs of motherhood. My life was full and very happy. Then God gave me the purest gift of all and I learned the true meaning of selflessness. My only regret is that I did not have more!

Hopefully your sister will have these feelings. She may be afraid of losing the lifestyle she has and scared, and knows things will never be the same. Most people love parenthood, but some are just not cut out for it. Maybe you can encourage her to talk to someone now to help her go through the pregnancy. Just listening to her will help. What she feels is real and does not need her feelings blown off as if they are trivial - these are her feelings. Gentle encouragement may go along way. Your sister is in my prayers.

Enjoy that baby, it is so fast. I cried over ending breast-feeding, potty training, doing away with the bottle. I enjoy every phase she enters, but miss the ones she outgrows. I do savor every moment and that she has skin from all the kisses is a miracle in itself. Good luck.

TLS

Just be supportive, she'll come around, and it might take her a while!! Like not until she see's the baby. YOu never know God has a plan for everyone, and everything happens for a reason!!! Good Luck!!

Prediction: If they really truly did not want to have children, they will not fall in love with the baby until he or she is here. Then all bets are off. :-) She will probably be ambivalent throughout her pregnancy -- the hormone swings are tough enough on women who WANT babies -- and her husband will probably be in denial. My husband wanted babies in the worst way and still didn't get a real grip on the situation until the minute he witnessed the birth.

As a mom who falls much more toward the cocktail or jello mom end of the spectrum rather than the helicopter mom end, I think you're right to try to contain as much of your enthusiasm as you can. Just try to be calm and practical and helpful in whatever way she seems to need help, which could change from day to day, unfortunately. :-) One concrete way you can help her is to find ways to help her wade through the endless details of what a baby needs and the completely overwhelming variety of stuff that's out there. When the time comes, find a way to help her register, for instance -- maybe online? Start compiling a list for yourself -- not to give to her until she asks, probably well into the second trimester -- about what she needs and what she really doesn't, and what was indispensible to you with your baby. Don't mention it until she does, but be prepared to help her develop a plan for the nursery, and whether or not she wants to breastfeed, and what sort of L&D she wants, and how to pick a pediatrician, and what she's going to do for work after the baby comes (I am making the sweeping assumption that in lieu of babies, she's been a career girl).

Most importantly, accept now that her reactions to EVERYTHING will probably be 180 degrees different from what yours were. You seem to have a good grip on this already, but it's worth stating that her reactions will not be wrong, just different, and that's OK.

And finally, be prepared that she will probably procrastinate on things. She doesn't have to do things at the same time you did or her friends did, but she does have to have some barebones stuff in place before the baby gets here. Your job as experienced mom and sister is to make sure she gets those barebones things in place before week 37. I say this with experience, as I did procrastinate on some things and was then nearly left in the lurch as my first baby was a full week early. :-)

Sorry this is so long; hope it helps!
J.

PS. I just absorbed the bit about her feeling like her life is over. On the one hand, this is good because it says she understands that the life of a mom involves a lot of sacrifice and responsibility. On the other hand, be prepared that she might do something really stupid (I'm not talking about hurting the baby -- something else like have an affair or take some extravagant vacation she can't afford) or think she needs to make some life-altering change if she feels like she needs to prove to herself that she did a good job of living before she gives it up to become a mom. Try to help her curb this tendency by pointing out that she doesn't have to be like other moms; she has to be the mom SHE IS. She is still a person, and her brand of motherhood will take on the characteristics of her personality, and she may actually enjoy it!

Resist the temptation to try to convince her that it's a good thing. She will come around herself, perhaps after the baby arrives, and nothing someone else says, even big sis, is going to speed that up.

Help her feel supported with open ears, and in any way you can from far away. Helpful info web sites, books that were key for you to get prepared. Wait until she asks a question or comes to a point that she's registering for things or making decisions, so as not to overwhelm her.

In the future, offer practical solutions to help her see how your life manages to go on. How to find a good sitter, how you personally carve out me-time. If you go out with girlfriends and have fun free time, let her know. Not preaching that she'll have a life, but demonstrating that there are ways to get back into things you enjoy.

Don't expect that she won't continue to feel conflict or regret even after she's fallen in love with her angel. That will be normal. If you guys are comfortable with personal issues, help her find the best plan for preventing another baby too soon for her. I suspect one child, if her hubby is a good support, will be a much more comfortable role than two.

Good luck!

Encourage an early sonogram! That will do wonders for making it real. Her OB may be able to refer her for counselling if she's really out of sorts.