Help Getting Toddler to Warm up to New Baby

Be patient. He's 2 and wants lots of attention which is very normal. When he gets out of Id phase ("it's all about ME phase") and can be more open to sharing, he'll be fine. The only thing I can think of to do differently is to make some time that's just for you and him without baby brother around rather than trying to convince a 2 year old not to be jealous.

I was lucky that my youngest was often quite content playing on her own in the play pen for 20 - 30 minutes at a stretch so I could play with my eldest and let her know she was still very important to me while I was "ignoring" baby sister. She liked that! Now they are best of friends.

HI, K.,
I also have a 3 and a half month old, but my other boy is three. What we did was enroll our older boy in preschool 3 full days a week just a few months before the baby came. I think it was a good decision, because he loves school so much and he has not shown any jealousy issues with the baby at all. At your little boy's age, I would not push the baby onto him too much. Just having a baby around is an adjustment for him and he will interact with the baby as he becomes ready. Probably the most important thing you can do is try to spend alone time with him when possible or have your husband or grandma or whoever spend time with him. The more secure he feels with his own standing in the family, the more comfortable he will be with the new baby, I think. I know your son is about a year younger than mine, so it may be harder for him to adapt, since he is younger. Don't worry about having him play with the baby. I never pushed my older son to play with the baby. Now he tries to play with him on his own. I try to play with the baby when my other son is not around, so that I don't elicit any jealous feelings. (meaning, I don't ooh and aah over the baby in front of my older boy. I can sense he wants that attention if I start doing that.) I don't hold them at the same time. I hold each separately, but I definitely do hold my older one more than I used to, to give him a sense that I still love him. I don't think your son necessarily needs to be submerged in your new family dynamic. The most important thing is that he is happy and then he will be able to accept the new baby. If he is at daycare, for instance and enjoys his day there, he will come home and be a happy toddler. No need to force him to stay home and share his entire day with the baby and you if it makes him feel threatened and insecure. My three year old is so happy at preschool. After the initial first two weeks of getting used to going, he loved it and it keeps him very happy. He feels like he gets to spend his day with his friends and that he has a separate life from me. It makes him feel independent and big. Also, when I pick him up after school, all the little kids come crowd around my three month old and instead of feeling jealous, he is proud that everyone in his class is so interested in "his baby" as he puts it. All kids are different and deal with a new sibling differently, but I do think that they all just need to feel that they are still very important. If you try too hard to make him make room in his heart for the newborn, you may be doing more harm than good. Just focus on him when he is around and then focus more on the baby when your older one is not there. Of course, I have to still breastfeed the baby and change the baby constantly, so that is not what I mean when I say "pay attention". I just don't give extra attention to the baby and act like he is the cutest thing on earth when my older son is around. The whole thing seems to be working, because now my 3 year old loves to play with the baby and talk to him and just adores him very much. He wants to be around the baby most of the time and takes care of him when I can't, like pulling down the sunshade in his car seat if I can't reach the back seat while driving, but he can. It is cute. So, good luck to you and I hope that your two year old eventually gets used to the baby. This time of transition is always hard for anyone, but I hope some of the things I mentioned help you out. Best of luck with both boys! I am in a similar boat!
A.

Dear K.,

I think your 2 year old needs some one-on-one time with you. I would can take just him to the park, get an ice cream, take a walk, or just make special time for him. I know you probably spend one-on-one time with him when the baby is sleeping. But from my experience when my daughter was born (I have a 10 year son and a 6 1/2 year old daughter), my son needed alone time with me. So I would make a big deal about our little outings and I would tell him that this was just our time because he is very special to me. I hope this helps and I wish you the very best with your boys.

Hi K.,
Our family has just recently come out of the "fog" of adding a newborn to the family. My son was 2 yrs. 3 mo when his sister was born and he had the same issues. I agree with everyone that having him help you take care of baby brother helps, but what really helped us is one on one time with our son. I made sure I spent as much time alone with him daily as possible (which was hard, because my daughter was colicky). But, I was able to get in 1-2 hours daily of just time alone with him. Then my husband /grandma, etc. would do the same. That's what helped us the most. Like everything else in raising kids, time seems to solve a lot of issues.

P.S. My son is now 3 1/2 yrs and my daughter is 14 months, and they are like best friends. He is so nurturing and loves to make her meals , diaper her, etc. It does get better.
A.

This seems contrary to everything you think as a new mom of two, but you might want to devote some time strictly to him, without the baby around at all. It sounds like you've already realized this. He is definitely going to need undivided attention -- he was the center of your life for a long time and now, from his perspective, he's competing for attention and you're going to be (of necessity) preoccupied with the new baby a lot of the time. Hhaving this new creature show up one day really rocks their world (and not in a good way, even though they find it interesting at first).

Don't talk about the baby, don't talk about being a big brother... just concentrate on him. You'll probably need to make it a weekly thing, or at least on some sort of regular basisl; take him out someplace special. I would take my son to do "big boy" things and when he'd ask why his little sister wasn't coming, I'd say, "Well, of course she can't come! This is only for big boys," and he seemed to like that a lot. From my experience I would suggest it be a non-material outing, e.g. don't go to Target and buy him a new toy. Maybe visit a cool park he hasn't been to, go play in the fountains downtown, play some new card games, go out and get an ice-cream cone, walk around the block to see how many cats you can count... whatever works and fits his interest. You'll need to keep this up for a couple of years, I bet, but I think he'll love the one-on-one time with your or his dad. Good luck!

My children are 23 months apart. When I was pregnant with my 2nd I really thought of ways to help my older daughter adjust. I had a c-section and was in the hospital for several days. We figured it would be too hard on my daughter to see me then have to leave, so she never went to the hospital. We never regretted our decision. When I returned, I walked in alone and went straight to my daughter and spent time with her (her first view of me after being apart for so long wasn't me holding a baby). My husband brought the baby in and put him in a bedroom. A few minutes later my daughter "found" him and was sooooooo excited. I kept in mind how I would feel if my husband stated something such as "Your such a great wife, I love you so much, I'm going to bring another wife home tomorrow" - intense jealously! With that in mind I NEVER blamed anything on the baby "no, sorry, we can't play right now, I have to feed the baby" etc. I would redirect/distract/etc. The first few days I would "sneak off" to feed the baby, each day doing it in front of her more. I made sure I had alone time with her as much as possible. I didn't expect her to play with the baby unless she initiated it. I certainly wouldn't want to hang out with the new wife my husband brought home... It seems to have worked, my kids our now 3 & 5 and their seems to be minimal jealously (probably due more to the fact that my son has medical issues). They miss each other when they're apart.

I would actually suggest giving him some special one-on-one time with you and also with Daddy. I had the same problem with my 6 yr old when I had my daughter. I really think it showed him that even though there was a new baby who needed a lot of attention, he was still just as special to me as before the baby came. We would have some fun time at the park or I would schedule a "date night" where we went to dinner and a movie or something like that. I would try to make sure that we didn't talk too much about the baby so he knew the focus was on him, but I did make sure to ask things like "when we get home do you want to help me give the baby a bath?" That way I was letting him know that once we were home I was still going to include him. It's tough adjusting, but I'm sure he'll come around. Good luck!

K., this is NORMAL. He is just a baby himself and not old enough to process what he is feeling! MY MOMMY! The more you make a big deal about it the more HE will make a big deal about it. Try to include him in the care of his new baby brother, let him get you diapers, hand you a bottle, hand you the soap at bathtime, let him hold the book while you read to both of them. Make him feel a part of taking care of someone else. But also find time to just be with him. Help him color, tickle him when you are getting him dressed (even if he doesn't NEED help, help him, it is the connection that is important), sit and watch his favorite show...all these things without baby brother. Kids are very intuitive, if he feels your discomfort he will only get worse.
Whenever you introduce a new person to a family, whether it is a new spouse, stepchild, bio-child there is a time of discomfort for children. They have to feel that they "fit" somewhere. Love on him, tell him he is loved but that he also has a special new person in his life and that is a wonderful gift.
=)

K., my sister-in-law had a really good idea, she would constantly say to the older sibling, as she was caring for the baby, "your baby". She would say things like... "go get the diaper for your baby" or "your baby is crying, let's check if he's hungry". Her children are almost all grown-up now, but they are all close, and loving with one another. Hope this helps!

If I can put you into the future for a little bit. I have two grown daughters who go shopping together, call each other to talk about their problems, and get along very well. Sometimes they get angry with each other, but tell how they feel and get over it. They love each other and when one traveled to another country the other was lost without the other.
You wouldn't believe that these two were just like your two children. My one daughter was so jealous of the other. As teens, they argued so much. I wouldn't believe they would grow to be so close. I could never do enough to try to make them get along. Nothing seemed to work. But time and love did. I did always tell them that when all else failed, family would be there for them and to feel bad when they mistreated each other. You can only keep instilling the best in them hoping it all sinks in and love them the best you can.

If there is something your 2 year old has been wanting for a while, buy it and have it be from the baby. Wrap it and put it in baby's lap and have baby "give" it to 2 year old. Tell the 2 year old that baby "forgot" to give this to him when he came home from the hospital, but that he wanted you to have it now.

Then take 2 year old to the store and tell him he gets to pick out a special baby toy for his brother; That this special toy is only for him to play with his little brother.

I did this with my daughters, and the older one still shows people the wonderful (large) conch shell that her sister got for her when she came home from the hospital.

I also have a 2 year old and a new baby 7 weeks, I am also nursing and in the beginning felt so guilty that I didn't have all of my attention to give to him. I have him hold her hand while I feed her and he feels like he is helping because that is what he wants to do most the time is help. It is hard to find things for him to help with when you are nursing. Or I will read to him while nursing. I try to keep him busy the rest of the time, he has found a true love for the library- Hang in there I know what you are going through but it will get better! I just now am feeling that I can handle dividing up my attention, I also have a 7 year old so splitting it 3 ways is challenging.

Don't beat yourself up!!!! I think you should follow your instincts - more time with the family is good for him. Start pointing out other brothers and sister you see when you are out. Tell him stories about you or your husbands brothers and sisters growing up... You need to stop worrying about how he is feeling/taking the baby and focus more on making him feel PROUD that he is a big brother... Get him a T-shirt that says I'm a Big Brother or I'm (baby's name)'s brother... He needs to feel proud of being a brother and happy about all the blessings his brother will bring him.

My boys are 5 years apart - my baby is 10 months - today my 6yo looked at me and said, "I'm glad I ordered a baby brother - cause he's cute and he's a lot of fun too."

First off, you are hitting the 3 month peak, when big brother realizes baby brother isn't going away. It's rough, but it does eventually start to get better, though the dynamic does change (we are in one of those changing dynamics areas, where big bro is now acting out roughly towards baby bro). Second, stop trying to push the baby onto your toddler. At this stage, your baby is nothing more than a blob to your toddler. The baby doesn't do much other than sleep and eat, and need diaper changes and (most significantly) takes your attention away from the toddler. Third (and we still mostly fail at this ourselves). You and your husband need to give you oldest your undivided attention for 15 minutes (minimum) everyday where baby bro is not present (and vice versa for baby bro). As a sahm, with a husband who works long hours, I find this incredibly difficult to do, especially at first. But, now I am more able to give the oldest attention and play time while the youngest takes his am nap (there are still battles over wanting to go to the park while brother is sleeping). Fourth, try to keep your toddler's schedule as consistent as possible, i.e. if he regularly attends daycare, keep sending him (assuming you can afford to), has a regular day with grandma, keep it, etc. It's important that he spends time within his new family too, but he will as you follow your normal daily routines as a family. Remember, you are doing the hardest job in the world right now, and you are doing it to the best of your abilities. Sometimes you have to decide who needs the most immediate attention while the other one screams (a lot of guilt presents have been bought because of this), and sometimes you have to let go of your ideal family portrait for right now. Your oldest is still a baby himself, and is not capable of just "getting past it." He is going to be jealous (though not in the same way we think of it) and he is feeling threatened because that baby takes alot of your attention most of the day. As time goes on, things will get better, your oldest will adjust to having the new baby, but it sounds like your toddler needs some special all about me time that does not involve the baby. Also, one more thought, have you read any books about becoming a big brother? Two of our favorites are "I'm a Big Brother" by Joanna Cole and Maxie Chambliss and "I'm a Big Brother" by Ronne Randall and Kristina Stephenson. We read both tonight, in fact. We found they were really helpful (we also put together, and have been working on since) a book called "Look Who's Going to Be a Big Brother." That uses real pictures of your family/friends. It will continue to be a struggle, but you'll eventually find the semi-balance in all the madness. You are welcome to contact me for further discussion. My boys are now 3.5 years and 16 months (they are 2 years 3 months apart to the day). I understand the madness!

Have him spend as much time with you and baby as possible. Tell him he is the big brother and have him help you all the time. Let him hold the baby sitting down of course. Good Luck some come around faster than others.

Hi, it is hard in the beginning, no matter what you do. I think your son feels that you feel guilty too, so stop that! :-) Getting siblings is part of nature and that is the best gift you can give your older son. It is also so that the older kids mature and "separate" a bit from the parents, that is a good thing.
I think it is good if you and your husband can take turns being with one child each so that they both get attention. Bringing in grandma is a great idea too! It will be tough for a while but then it gets much better! I promise!

Hi K., this issue was a big one for me and I believe it changed my whole experience of parenting. If my second child, my daughter, had been my oldest, my whole parenting experience would have been a lot easier, and a lot more fun. People who don't experience sibling rivalry for years and decades have no idea how good they've got it.

It's good that you are trying to give him lots of attention and love. I would definitely stop trying to get him to be with you and the baby so much and instead try as much as possible to get alone time with him.

Go out places with just your oldest boy. I know that is REALLY hard to do with an infant, but get someone to take the baby, even for an hour. Say things like, "let's get away from that baby and go somewhere, just you and me." Don't try to get him to like the baby. The more you do that, the more he'll dislike the baby. (Imagine someone you dislike and then imagine someone trying to tell you all that person's good traits, and how that would piss you off even more.)

I have written a few posts about reflexive listening, or "mirroring", as I like to call it, and basically the idea is that if you "mirror" what you think your son's emotions are, e.g. that the baby is a pain in the a--, your son will actually start to like the baby more than if you try to convince him how much he should like the baby.

I learned that technique too late, from a speaker at my kids' school, but it would have changed everything.

p.s. Theresa B. said it EXACTLY right. The second wife analogy is a good one. Listen to her!

I know it sounds a little goofy for a boy, but before my daugher was born I bought my son a doll that cried and acted like a realy baby, we used it to help him get used to the idea of what it would kind of be like with a baby. When his sister was born, we would take care of "his baby" while I took care of mine! He loved it! We also did the one-on-one time. My husband and I would switch, I would take my son and he would take our daughter and visa versa. GGOOD LUCK! We had some REALLY hard times with them being so close in age, 22 months apart, but I was just telling my husband today that I was glad we had them close and the hard times were worth it, because they help keep each other busy and always have each other. They won't even sleep apart! Don't get me wrong they fight and argue as siblings do, but they have a ver very strong bond!

Hi K.,

Well it sounds like the 2 year old is definitely revolting against you and the new baby. I was in the same boat as you, but many, many years ago.

Two year olds can be very demanding. He "was" the youngest before this baby, so he will adjust, but it may take longer. Maybe Grandma can make him the center of her attention at times so he feels less threatened. You will need to encourage him to know that he is a part of your new baby's circle of friends, so to speak. You will be challenged by him as you are already. Don't give up hope, he'll come around.

I'll pray for your family!
L.

K.
I have a question did you have your older son with you in the delivery room?
sounds like sibling rivey to me I could be wrong
I know that when I had my 4 children they were all in the room with me in fact they held there little brother or sister first so I haven't had any problems but my friend has she had her older son at a family house and he came home to a little brother and she tell him but I don't think it hit home with him until mom was home with his little brother and it did go away just keep in encouraging him to help you I know it's hard but this to will pass Best of luck D.