Help Froms Moms with More than Two Children

I am a Mother of three children that are many years apart. I have always told the middle child that she is the cream in the oreo cookie! That always made her feel special.

I know exactly what you mean. I have an older son with autism, my middle child also a son and a little girl. My middle child constantly struggles to fit in somewhere and often feels left out. I have found it helpful to let him help me with my oldest, playing games, and he loves to help cook and also with my youngest I let him feel more responsible with helping mommy with keeping younger sister busy while I do what I need to tend to. The more help he gives, the more important he feels. I also reassure him that he is the only one qualified, the middle child, to help with the oldest and youngest. He loves that.

I have 4 children 3 at home now and its odd how the 2nd oldest actually feels like she is the middle child altho she has been the oldest at home for at least 6 years. Also when they were younger the 3rd oldest actually felt like we favored the youngest who is the only boy and was is the "baby" of the family. Here is the best advice my mother gave me about having so many children. Take time during the day, week and month to make each one specifically feel special. Search out each child daily especially at times the middle child just to say "how was your day?" Each week make each child be the leader in an at home project or the center of attention during a family event like dinner. Then each month have a Just Mom and I outing even its just to the grocery store. But keep in mind sometimes no matter how hard we try this middle child will still have their feelings of being left out. After a heart to heart talk with this child we can only do so much after that. I think my mom gave some great advice but also I think each child no matter the order of birth will feel left out at some time for some reason. We can only tell each of them "i love you all the same no matter when you were born"

as a child that grew up feeling alone, i fet the need to respond to this, even though i'm not in your situation. it's critical that she feel that she have a place in the family, things that SHE does that she feels she UNIQUELY contributes. could she help out around the house or with her younger sibling in a way that no one else does? there could be lots of small things she could do, depending on her age. you might also spend one on one time with all of your girls, doing things with each of them that are SPECIAL because you don't do them with anyone ELSE. you're spouse might try doing the same thing as well.
and don't be afraid of asking for your daughter's opinions on household decisions/matters. that truely would make them feel important!

/Hey i have 4 but we have a slightly unique situation, my oldest lives with his father, so therefore my second is only a middle child a couple days a week, and my third isn't mine she's my step daughter and then there is the baby, now mind you it also helps to some degree that they are 8, 7, 6, and 5 so they have a lot of teh same interest and activites. The key is to take into account all the different personalities and interests and spend a lot of time together. We actually spend very little one on one time with the kids but every night it is someone elses turn to pick soemthing we do as a family or to get some time with whichever parent they so wish, be it a family game or movie night or just helping cook dinner, i think middle child syndrom is something we come up with more than any neglect because they are stuck in the middle. So rather than including her try leting ehr decide how to spend her time with the family and see if she doesn't feel more included when she gets to call the shots, so some degree anyways. It doesn't have to cost money or even take a lot of time but often in all the including we forget the quieter and easier to please children and allow the more aggressive ones to help make the chioces. and whileit is easier to have all the kids in one activity or whatever sometimes children would ratehr do their thing even if you aren't always able to be there than to feel forced into something just because big sister did it. good luck.

Oh yeah I hear you- We do little things, like letting her pick out the movie on video night- let her take a dance or organized sport that belongs to her- and go to all the performances as a family - and about every other month I take her out to dinner or coffee, just the two of us to chit chat.
Little things that can really help her know shes just as cool as the other two!

Hi Haryatt,

I'm a middle child and I never did understand the "syndrome" that people talk about. However, I think that just judging from and comparing two of the other responses that have been given so far (I forget the names who wrote them) that there is a difference between empowering a child to choose for herself how to feel included and loved and, "doing for" your child, which can create sort of a bottomless pit of anxiety and low self worth like something wasn't good enough to begin with and always needed to be fixed (by you). That's just a thought...
I know for myself there are times when I wonder how my relationship works in the family,but that generally comes when there's strife and lack of communication and, I would say, come mainly now that I'm older. I don't think I felt that way as a child. I like the idea of letting each child choose something special that they want to do as a family - if each child all get the chance then, there is no way to say its not fair, and, it also allows for different personalities to choose how they want to feel special and call the shots. Good Luck! Psychology stuff is tricky!

Hello Haryatt!
First off I do not have more than two children, but I am having two more and have thought this over quite a bit. I am also a girl scout troop leader and am very involved in chruch, work and run a small bakery out of my home. I guess the advice I have for you is to let your daughter know that she has the best of both worlds right now and when she is older. Not only does she have an older sis to get advice from and learn so much from ( good and Bad,)she also has a little sis that she will be responsible for teaching sharing with and being a role model for. I belive that even as older women we can gain a sense of purpose and resposibility when we know that our actions and experences are going to effect someone else. Let her know that God made her special and there are things that she can do that neither one of her sisters can do and thats why they all need each other (now and when they are older).
I really hope this helps.
Jess

Hey there.. I dont think middle child syndrome ever goes away and it happens in every family. I was the oldest of 3 girls..I baby'ed my little sisters because I was 4 and 5 yrs older then them. I took the my middle sister with me everywhere all the time, back to when we were young, she is almost 30, my mom still helps her, and helps her take care of her daughter, and whenever she doesnt get her way, she still cries that it isnt fair, she still stomps her feet, crosses her arms and quits speaking to you.. Its rather amusing at times, I now have 3 children of my own, its almost scary that my son (who is the middle child), and hes 4, when he gets mad, he crosses his arms, tells you it isnt fair, he tells me I am mean to him, and I dont love him anymore.. he will throw a temper tantrum, kick his toys, and slam his door.. Just like my sister. My oldest child never threw a temper tantrum in her life, is not and never has been a crying child. She will get upset and just go to her room. Honestly I dont think there is anything that can be done. I dont think that you show any more affection to one then you do the other. At one point I think my sister guilted my mother so badly that my mom made her the number one focus and its been that way for years but now because my mother tried to help her so much, my sister is almost 100 percent dependent on her and I think my sister feels like she cant do it on her own now without having my mom give her an opinion, or tell what to do next, ect. I would just keep doing what you have been and including her and hope this goes away. I hope my sons does, god knows my sisters never did LOL.

Hello,
I wanted to respond because I grew up as a middle child. Coming up as a child, I always felt like an outcast. My older brother was always given praise for everything he did, but anything I accomlished, I was told that I was following my older brother, or he was given the credit for what I achieved. My family always made me feel like I didn't have a mind of my own. My younger brother was spoiled simply because he was the baby. I grew up to be a very bitter child because I never felt that I could measure up to my older brother, and never felt the attention that my younger brother received.

I think you have to make sure that your middle child knows that he or she is just as "worthy" as the other siblings by giving that child the same love and attention that the others receive. I don't think parents intentionally favor one child over another, but it does happen. The parents are usually unaware, but it is the children who pick up on it and suffer silently.

My 2 1/2 year old just became a middle child the end of November. We have date nights with each child at least once a month. We have a chart on our refrigerator that lets us know who's turn it is to go out with mom or dad. If I need to run to the store, I sometimes purposefully take the middle child only to give them some special time. (Pick the music he wants in the car, share a treat with mom that he picks out, shows me things he's interested in at the store, etc.)

Many times his nap is taken too late in the day due to dropping off and picking up my preschooler and he's not tired at bedtime, so we'll let him stay up and extra hour with just mom and dad and then he goes to bed.

I have three but they are very close together so it is a little easier for me. I give them each little "helper" jobs that make them feel very big and helpful. Also I have friends that have older kids and they try to make a "date night" with each of them once a month. It doesn't have to be exoensive but just at least time reserved with you and Just the child who has you then.

Good luck.

I don't have more than two children, but can relate my experience growing up with an older brother and sister. They are twins. My sister is the middle child by FOUR minutes and to this day, milks the 'middle child' issue for all it's worth. It never mattered what we did or do, she still pulls that trump card.

First of all, good for you momma for recognizing that your middle child seems to be struggling. I am the middle child of 3, and I now have three children myself. Being the middle isn't always easy. Things I have brought with me from my childhood was that somebody told me once that it was special to be the middle child. You are never burdened with being the oldest or babied by being the youngest. You are a big sister and a little sister, when your siblings only get to be one of those things. You learn from mistakes your older sibling makes first, and you can impart your wisdom to your younger sibling. Also, being the middle child is like being the cream filling of an orea cookie. Everybody loves the cream center best.
Also, give yourself a break.