Help for My Sister - Any Advice

Honestly, I'd have suggested the women's shelter, even if you hadn't mentioned it.

The services and understanding they can provide will be of far more value than any 'kick her out to cope on her own' or handouts you could give.

What I don't understand, 'cause I'm pretty thick sometimes, is how she and her daughter were living with an unemployed person and now can't live on their own *without* said unemployed lout.

Of course, I'm a bit dense, and I've never figured out how anyone could stop me from having my own key to my own house, because have a phone book and can call a locksmith, take the key when the troll is sleeping and get a replica cut or even replace the locks myself... where do people learn such helplessness?

Jackie Chan, eh? Very cool!

Anyhow, what your sister needs is your calm reassurance, probably over and over again, that she's fully capable of finding and using the services available to her, and as an employed person, of finding accommodation that meet her needs, without you doing any of the legwork for her. She doesn't believe she can do it, but she can and she'll only find that out by doing it.

At 40, it's likely that you can't help her get on her feet by offering her more free 'help'. Im not saying that tough love will work better than help...but people are not likely to change. Change is possible but it's not usually the case. I don't know your sister, but what you have said about her makes me feel terrible for her daughter, but not so bad for sis...she's old enough to know better and old enough to get a job and a place to stay! Just because she is family does NOT mean her life falls in your lap. Sometimes it takes a firm 'no' from everybody else for people to realize it's time for them to pick themselves up by the bootstraps and give themselves a good kick in the butt! I would offer her assistance in the form of resources you may have access to (phone numbers, therapist referrals, internet searches for help) but you can't let her be a wedge in your immediate family!

~L.

I agree that in certain circumstances people need to stand on their own. However, people, family, also really need help from time to time. How is she supposed to stand on her own feet from a shelter? I would talk to your husband. Maybe you can set some guidelines and a timelimit and help her. I would give her a set of groundrules...i.e. you can live here with your daughter (it will be hard for both of them to be separated) for a set period of time but in return you must do the following...keep the room clean, help out by cleaning the following rooms every week, make dinner 1 or 2 nights a week, ect. If she doesn't agree or follow the rules, that is her choice, but at least you have tried.

good luck.

try contacting a private group like LACASA in Livingston county. They may be able to steer her in the right direction to get help that does not entail family assistance. She should also go to counsiling so she can work thru some of her issues she's going to have to deal with with just leaving an abusive relationship and making it on her own.
I grew up in Lancaster PA and there is a womens "shelter" there that is privately operated that does things like supply homeless women WITh children a place to live (apartments in their houses) and also helps them find job training and independence. My mom and siblings had to stay there when my dad left them with nothing. There must be someplace like that in MI... It is not FREE... You do have to pay "rent " but it is based on your income.
Good luck

I wouldn't lose sight of the fact that she's your sister. If she needs help, and you can offer it, then you should. What about offering to take her in with certain stipulations? Like, she has to have a job by a certain date, she has to pay so much in rent, she has to contribute to the household in specific ways (cleaning, cooking, etc.), she has to move out by a certain date, etc. Put it in writing, make everyone sign it as a family "contract".

See if you can get her some help with a therapist or counselor. If she's coming out of an abusive relationship, she just may need someone to talk to help put it behind her.

Being seperated from your child and living in a shelter seems drastic - I would help her in anyway you can. She's your sister, I'm sure your husband will understand that.

One thing that struck me reading your post is that everyone is "grateful" that she left her abuser, but doesn't seem willing to help her once she has had the courage to leave. After being in a controlling relationship for however many years, you don't even know how to stand on your own two feet. I know I don't know all the particulars and that it would be difficult to invite that situation into your home. However, when you are constantly told how and when to do things, you may not know how to think for yourself so she may not know where to begin.

I like the suggestion that someone else gave. Offer her a place to stay with a time limit and stipulations. If they are broken, she is asked to leave. There is a difference between lending a hand and being a doormat.

Again.... I don't know the half of the situation, but I think she needs your support.

C.