Help Controlling 16 Year Old Daughter's Attitude

Sounds like my 14 yr old dau. They think the world is theres hope that they out grow it be firm dont let her get what ever she wants sometimes going back to school helps Hormones make it worse good luck

J.,
I hate to tell you this but it is the age. The best thing you can do is be firm, consistent, and love her unconditionally. When my daughter was going through that we had so many fights it wasn't funny, talk about door slamming in my face and me opening it up again only to slam it with her, at the time it very nerve racking but now we just laugh about it. I found that once a month or when things got really bad I would say to her after a while "come on let's go to the mall, we need to get out." We would go out just the two of us, poke around and have coffee or a bite to eat. Now at 26 she is my best friend in the world and I wouldn't trade her for anything. She is the best sister to her 4 younger brothers as well and does everything for them and us. I am here for you if you need me.
Hugs,
T.

RUN to the library and get any material from the "Love and Logic" series...I especially like Dr. Charles Fay's dvd presentations...I promise it will change EVERYTHING...I used to work with delinquent teens and wished I had those skills back then...:)

I am always dealing with this, too - as these other moms, but though late reading this, I HAD to tell you about a book that just saved my life - please, please read this. It will give you the best perspective and tools and really makes sense, written by a counselor who deals with it on a professional level all the time. It's called "Yes, Your Teenager Is Crazy" by Michael Bradley. It's also a fun read done with some humor for our own sanity!
Best,
M.

Sorry to be late to respond to your 16 year old issues. Sigh.. I just had an episode a couple of days ago about being verbally disrespectful. He has been diagnosed with ADHD aver 12 years ago and has been in therapy during that time period, we have tried the medications but he has bad reactionas with each one we try. So we have had to work on this without the benefit of medication. But back to the point, both of my children 16 & 24 have gone thru this phase where they believe that they know everything and we know nothing. And no matter how much discipline I found one that has worked for me. As an example, he came home 45 minutes past his curfew, I got no apologies or mention of it at all. I ask if there was something he had to say.. he said yeah he knew he was late and it wasn't that big of deal. OH I counted to 20 because at 10 I still wanted to strangle him. I verbally got on his case and he started to walk away, I asked where he was going, he said to his room until I could be more respectful. I then told him to sit his butt down and listen to me. I said I will not tolerate being talked to in that manner. He replied that I was being disrepectful of him. I said that he caused the problem with being disrepectful not to call or be home on time. Then he topped it all off by asking why he had to be respectful to me when I get angry over something he did. In calm words I told him that I was the authority figure in this home. I give him as much freedom that he has earned. We don't have a chart or anything of that nature to keep track of progress. It is in my head and he knows what will get him in trouble and when he doesn't. I have tried to be a little more lenient since his father past away in April. The last 1 1/2 years he didn't have much of a childhood because he was helping me take care of dad. But, being disrepectful is not going be one of the things that I will tolerate now or ever. I guess what I am saying is that you give the warning and if it reappears make the punishment fit the crime. As example, late getting home sorry not going out for a couple of weeks of staying home except for school maybe tough on everyone but it will work. Or spending too much time texting or on the phone with friends... the cell phone goes away for awhile. You see the point I make believe me it does work and there is no social worker that is going to say anything because of these types of punishment. Always make sure that the first time it happens that a 2nd offense will get xxxx as punishment and stick to it. I know alot of parents who would never take a cell phone away because how could the kid be contacted. Well I lived without cell phones as a teenager and so can ours. Of course I know I am being called every name in the book behind my back but at least I am trying to be a parent instead of friend to my children. Give it a try.. you might be amazed at what will happen.

I may be a bit late with this one but wanted to comment anyhow. Yes it's a teenage thing but even though it's typical of teenage behavior now is the PERFECT time to help her learn some critical life lessons that absolutely will serve her later in life and might make her life today a whole lot less negative.

I don't know what sort of environment there is at home. Are you negative minded folks as a rule or positive minded folks? That'll make a huge difference. Its funny because most people don't ever give their own perspective much thought and always blame this sort of attitude on society or something else but it can be learned. I highly suggest that you buy or rent a copy of the film 'The Secret' for your daughter and I think that there's even a newly released version of the film specifically geared toward teenagers. A negative attitude and low expectations can lead to a very difficult trauma filled life but as her parent you can help her avoid a lot of the future trauma by teaching her the tools she will need to have a happy successful life no matter what happens in her life. I know it sounds goofey but perspective and attitude are everything and the rest is only experiences. How traumatic or easy to deal with our experiences are will always depend on our perspective and attitude. Also by helping her learn that she doesn't need to be right and that it doesn't even matter that she's right you'll help her learn how to have happy successful relationships with other people. Having been both of these in the past I can testify that today now that I've learned these very important life lessons my life has improved 100% plus.

From what you described is happening this isn't, at least in my experience and opinion it isn't, the time to be asserting 'control' over your daughter. It's the time to talk with her, share yourself with her and provide her with some information that may help her become the adult she can become. Well that's my opinion anyhow.

Good luck.

Wow, I think I have the same girl living in my house, except she is just 13. What has really helped me is the information on the mentor foundation website about all the changes taking place in her brain right now that explain the mood swings, outbursts of anger and all the rest. It makes it feel much less personal to know there is a real biological reason.

That said, we struggle, as I am sure you do, with making sure that unacceptable behavior has consequences and that she understands that we expect certain rules of common decency to be followed. I feel just like you most of the time, though knowing that it stems from her brain being reorganised has helped me stay calm. Check out the mentor site, perhaps it will help you too.

As to being embarassed by her, one of my friends gave me a mantra to repeat during those terrible moments: She is only embarassing herself, I am not my daughter's keeper...

We have a large poster that says: Teenagers, Tired of being harassed by your parents? ACT NOW! Move out, Get a Job, Pay your own way, WHILE YOU SILL KNOW EVERYTHING. My advice is to ask for a better attitude, and wait in her room till she finds it. You would like to receive the same from her that you give her. Teen years are for learning and being patient will pay off.

Having gone through 1 teen and beginning again with another, Nikki's advice about discipline is on point. I will not be disrespected when I'm paying all the bills, and making all kind of sacrifices for my children. We will definitely not have any of that mess in public.

I understand about the 'teen' years, but what teens need to understand is that they will not make everyone else suffer. My mom didn't have any tolerance for 'teen' years, shoot it wasn't event talked about.

With my first teen, it wasn't at all rosy and I had to let her know on more than one occassion that I rule the roost. My second one is much easier and I am soooo grateful. It's like that sometimes.

EVERYONE - please look up on the internet "Beyond Consequences" by Heather Forbes. It is a life saving way of working with traumatized kids and simply kids who are disrepectful -- and it's done in a compassionate and loving manner. It is THE book to read, THE class to take on the subject.

My daughter was the same way. I tried several different methods: rationalizing, discussing, asking, repremanding, yelling, and silence. I found that only time worked. She is now 21 and has a better attitude than I ever thought possible at the time. (My sons were never like that; they just moped around like silent zombie eating machines.) The hardest part was the anger. Your daughter may not be able to explain or even know why she's angry.

The only piece of advice that may be useful that I can offer is to demand respect in the house. If she's having a bad hair day - let her. Explain that having an ugly mood is fine BUT she may not take out her negative emotions on others in the house including you. That was one rule that stuck. Did it help get through the dreaded teen years? - maybe or maybe not. It did help me keep my calm and give everyone some safety from her tirades. She could be angry all she wanted in the privacy of her own room or out with her friends, but while in the company of her family, she controls herself. If she couldn't be nice or even tolerant, she was asked to leave the room or we got up and left. She'll understand that her family is not her scapegoat soon enough.

Best of luck!
Babs

After skimming the responses, I didn't find anyone suggesting that it could also be "Generalized Anxiety" or "Depression." Both can cause extra anger, coldness, and a don't-care attitude. These two things can be caused by a hormone inbalance (seratonin, etc), a medical condition (thyroid, etc), A.D.D., and so on. So, I recommend that you first have her get a thorough medical exam telling the doctor that you want to rule out medical causes for what you're seeing. Then if not something he can cure medically, he may want to try meds for anxiety/depression. (course, I prefer a psychiatrist who knows better what to try, when to try something else, and to monitor it often until it's better). Having had attitude when I was a teen, and having my daughter have a far bigger attitude, I got help for her. Hers was caused by her A.D.D. and poor quality sleep (hard for her to go to sleep). Also, sometimes the parents need to learn new skills of treating the child respectfully too while maintaining boundaries and discipline. The good balance of having your good mood, Her having healthy self esteem, good friends, and learning how to be respectful to others under stress from you, etc. is hugely important to keep them away from drugs (to self medicate themselves to feel okay).

When my daughter reached 20, refused to take her depression meds off and on, and got like that again after seeing what it was like to be happier and more balanced, I finally said:

?If you refuse to take the meds and continue to choose to be cold and angry to us, you will have to move out as I don't choose to live with that anymore. If you feel a surge of anger, you must take it to your room and don't let it ruin our day. If you can't do that, you will just have to move. We love you and want you here, but not when you make us feel so bad. I have given you the tools, the access to proper medications, the tutoring, etc. to be happier and it's now up to you."

I never had one cold day since then. (And yes, she had extreme PMS around that time too which was relieved by Xanex in minutes when she choose to do so.)

Good luck. I don't envy you. But now my daughter and I are so close and she apologizes for the past and fears that her little girl might grow up and do that too. But she has learned a lot of skills and education through this so she'll know what to do if she does.

It's amazing Jamie, my daughter is 16 (soon to be 17) and my son is 10(soon turning 11)they used to fight all of the time and I felt it was the age difference and the fact that she felt he got more attention (not true at all). Have you asked what is happening at school or with her peers? Is there a boyfriend? The experts say that when teenagers are going through turmoil they usually attack those who are weaker? In this case her sibling.
I am sure you have said many times that this behaviour is unacceptable. Ask your son to try to be patient but be aware of and avoid her when she is in her mood. You should tell her that you will not respond to disrespect and when she can address you properly then she should try to speak if she answers in a 'tone' to any question/comment remind her of what she is doing and walk away because the ground rules have already been laid concerning her speech. I also suggest some family counseling. The stress cannot be good for you or your son seeing this behaviour.
Good luck
J. S

Its called hormones..Think PMS times 100..There isnt much you can do to stop them. But you can help your DD learn to control her annoyance. Sit her down when she ISN"T having a hissy fit and discuss how she feels and what she can do to defuse her anger. Tell her about her hormones and explain that they are the main reason for her nerves getting out of control.
As for her knowing everything, this too is normal. Her brain is preparing her for independence and she is questioning everything around her. Many years ago 16 y/o's were married and considered adults. So what can you do about her arguing?
Don't argue back. Agree with her, this will aggravate her, but she will learn by herself that she is wrong about things. Of course if she argues with other people you have to correct her and tell her it is impolite and you wont tolerate her being impolite.
Good luck and in 4 more years she will be your best friend, but you still wont know much...until she has children...then you will get instant genius status.

Hi J.
Sorry! Sounds like PMS to me. Have you kept a log of dates so you can document that? Is that a possible problem? If the hormones are out of whack, a doctor's intervention may be necessary.
We must learn how to be wrong and no one likes to be wrong.
We must also learn how to react appropriately. My mom cured me of reactions one day by reacting like my sister, who was PMS; I was in such shock that my mother would act that way we had a long talk and since I was 4 years younger than my sister I learned a valuable lesson. My mom was not above doing anything to help us learn. I am glad she chose to do it at home with just family and not at a mall somewhere. Maybe it was because my sister always acted up at home.
As far as attitude, well sorry some of that is typical teen and sometimes if you begin talking about college and goals, aims that changes. I found it gives them the challenge of growing up, and looking at more than just high school. It worked with all 4 once an older parent suggested it to me. Another is that you are not responsible to control your adult children. Our grown children may need help controlling their attitude but you don't need help with her attitude, however all mom's need help controlling their own reaction to their teen's attitude. Does that make sense? When our older daughter had issues it was the best advice I got, and she has/had issues. Hope these thoughts help even a small bit.
God bless you with wisdom
K. --- SAHM married 39 years --- adult children 38, college volleyball coach; 33, lawyer, married with son; and twin girls 19, college students: Fine Arts, on campus, 3.8 GPA; Journalism, commuting, 3.6 GPA after homeschooling

Hi J. - I am right along with you - I have a 16 year old daughter and a 13 year old daugher. Both with attitudes. Althought my 16 can be sweet and loving, she still is fighting for control. My only advice is to enjoy the moments where she is sweet and loving, she is growing up in a very difficult world, much different from the one we grew up in. I try to be understanding and listening when she wants to talk. As long as she is following your house rules - most important!!! Just let it roll off your back - I have learned to pick my battles with these teenagers and when my daughter is nasty, I totally just ignore her and tell her very nicely not to speak to me until she can talk with respect and a normal tone - I don't treat her or speak to her like that and I would appreciate the same. Also know that it takes time and practice. Just remember we (women) are very hormonal - and it does not help. Don't take it personally because I am told they lash out at the ones who they love most. Best of Luck and take care! One day they will learn to appreciate us as mothers when they have children of their own! A.

Hi J.,

I don't know that I can be much help, other than to let you know that most of this is normal.

All 16 year olds (actually 14 and up) know it all. We as parents, of course, know nothing, and everything has changed since the dinosaur age.

If her attitude has recently changed, it may just be to the nervousness of starting back to school. It could also be the friends she's with.

When my daughter (age 14) attitude gets out of control, I'll give her a few reminders like "please don't talk to your sister that way", or "you need to change your tone, that's not acceptable" and then "the next time you talk to me that way you'll have no tv for the next 3 days". Whatever you make the punishment, make sure you stick with it no matter what.

Good luck.

Jamie, I am just going to add one little bit and that is about the use of drugs for depression, anxiety, or PMS. For many people B-Complex helps with all of these problems and in my opinion, it is a better way to go or at least to try before resorting to drugs which have side effects. B-Complex covers for other nutrients that may be missing and B-Complex also helps us absorb the other vitamins. I was on a prescription for three years before I found the benefits of a certain brand of B-Complex. Now, I help others make the same change if they want to do so.

Bless you as you guide your children through the teen-age years. B. K

Unfortunately (for everyone around her) her behavior sounds like that of a 16 year old girl! However, violence of any kind is not to be tolerated nor is blatent, public disrespect. She should be punished for these things, take away her favorite stuff!! Electronic bans are especially painful for teens (my girls are 17 and 22 now)Take away the cell phone, the ipod the tv even the computer unless she's doing homework ( and your watching of course!) Write up a chore chart that includes all the household chores and the whole family. Then take a really deep breath and hold on, she'll outgrow this stage eventually unfortunately this will be around the time your son grows into it! Don't forget to take some time for yourself. Moms need a break too. Oh... Stand your ground!!! When she argues with you just repeat yourself once then just let her yell and argue without any response whatsoever, they run out of steam pretty quickly when there is no response. good luck to you, teens are a real challenge (I know from personal experience!).

You have gotten some wonderful advice. I just wanted to add something different.

Yes she is going through a phase and is quite possibly suffering from PMS.

Proper diet, exercise and awareness go a long way to conquering PMS. If she could possibly cut down preferably out processed sugars and salt from her diet about two weeks before her period along with vigorous exercise. It will really help. I find jogging, kick boxing, or aerobics help best. They get the excess energy out.

Please remember and encourage her to be respectful and accountible not matter how anger internally she may be. Those things are not negotiable.

I was a beast to my family from 13 to 18 off and on. Calmed down for about 2 years before hitting my terrible 20's.

You will survive this and thrive but it may get darker before the dawn but the dawn will come. Hang in there.

We're in the same boat. My 13 year old stepson moved in w/us after running over his mom for 13 years. We've taken things, he's lost privileges, is going to bed at 8:30 currently... nothing seems to be working. We just started him in counseling, hopefully that will help him work his feelings, disrespect, anger, etc out. I suggest some counseling too-maybe she just needs somebody to vent to that's not connected to her in any way. I made a point to tell my SS that his counselor is all his-he doesn't report back to us, whatever he says to the counselor stays there. And that his counselor is all his, he doesn't need to share him.
He's got this "go to hell" look that he gives when adults are talking to him. I've started stopping myself in mid-sentence, telling him to blink (he stares w/o blinking to irritate me) & wiping his disgusted look off his face before I continue talking. He's got the same tone. I've decided that I will no longer listen to that tone, he will change his tone or I'll just walk away.
I started reading "Have a new kid by Friday" by Dr Kevin Leman. Today I started using some of the tips-say it once, turn your back, walk away. My 13 YO started arguing about doing his chores & I simply said "this is not a discussion. You will do it" & walked away. He walked back to it grumbling, but he sure did get back to work.
We're at our wit's end too here. I'm going to try removing the door because that's about the last thing we have to get his attention-taking away his privacy & making him earn it back. I'll be checking back for more tips myself.
Good luck!

J.,

I recommend taking her to see Tyler Perry's new movie, "I can do Bad all by myself". The 16-year-old girl in the movie has an attitude problem and opens up to tell why and changes. Obviously, something is going on in her life. Maybe this movie will help her identify and open up to let you know what she needs. It is good for everyone. If she has a boyfriend, invite him too. You will love it.

Having been there 4 times, one daughter and three sons I can tell you it's VERY normal around that age and will pass I promise you. My daughter now with three children of her own is my best friend. Sometimes you as a parent have to "choose your battles" and also listen to them as they are trying so hard to be no longer your child but their own person. I tried having a little sit down time each day as to what's on their minds and how can we "respect each other's space in our thoughts and actions"

She might be going through things at school with a boy or a friend. Maybe all you have to do is give it some time. Im not saying you should let her be like this like you can tell her how she is being but then again remember as shocking as it is, there is a lot of things you dont know about your daughter.

Hi, my 20 y.o. was this way before and now my 16 y.o.--both girls--is like this. It's hormonal and also this an awkward time in life at this age. Pick your battles with her and also talk w/ your 11 y.o. about this, in a way that he'll comprehend...let your daughter know that you've been there before as a teen and open the door for her to communicate with you whatever she maybe feeling. I know it's hard b/c I deal with it on a daily basis, too, but I try my best to remain calm, as long as she's not disrespectful, then I don't make it a big problem.

You've had some good replies (except Nikki who is lucky her children haven't ran away from home yet!). The brain is literally being rewired at this age and unfortunately this falls into the realm of normal behavior. While there need to be certain ground rules like no violence keep in mind that she's 16. I moved out and lived on my own at that age. I survived just fine too.

At that age they need a reasonable amount of independence, they need to know you care and love them (lots of hugs and attention--this is the most important age for that--get out of the house together--go to the gym or go jogging or do something else physical to increase the happy hormones), they don't need to over-controlled like babies--they're not!

It sounds to me like she's mildly depressed. Julia Ross has a couple of good books called The Diet Cure and The Mood Cure which talk about amino acids in the brain as well as nutritional deficiencies that cause mood swings and food cravings. Believe it or not it is actually possible to not have PMS. PMS is an abnormal state caused by wrong food choices and deficiency of certain nutrients. They need more B Vitamins at this age, perhaps a hormone balancing herbal formula and no sugar ideally. Sugar is like poison for the brain. Also MSG. At that age they are eating out a lot in fast food places if you live in a city or larger town and are filling themselves up on empty calories that are causing damage to their development. It's unbelievable what a change in diet can do for the mental health of a teenager! I have a 17 year old by the way so I'm not just talking theory here! She's quite well-behaved when she eats right but when junk food takes over she sounds just like your daughter. Even without junk food she's often "always right"! We as parents need to remember that these kids are growing up in a completely different world than just 20 or 30 years ago and they do actually know things that we don't and it's frustrating for them because they don't always understand our thinking. Hope you can keep her busy. Hobbies are great at this age to keep them occupied: dance class, horseback riding, gymnastics, etc. Whatever you can possibly afford to do, please do it. Being a single Mom is a very tough job. If you don't have much money, look into some volunteer work that's fun. It will boost her confidence and get her thinking of something other than herself. They can be very self-centered at this age. Keep your chin up! You will all get through this!

One more thing to consider -- is there any possibility your daughter is experimenting with drugs? Ecstasy for one depletes seratonin and can cause irritability, fatigue, and apathy after the initial high and can last for weeks. I've worked with teens and this one is pretty common on high school campuses. Keeping in touch and sharing notes with the parents of her friends can be helpful.

I have been reviewing the "Total Transformation" system for work purposes and they have talked about disrespect and how to handle it. You have to tell your child "Don't talk to me that way, I don't like it." I agree with Nikki for the most part, except the search of personal belongings...I would reserve the right to do that if I suspected alcohol or other substance use. A teen needs privacy, but also needs limits. No form of violence should be tolerated ever.

Hi Jaimie,
i have to respond here, your opening question is how do I control my teenager? Well you can't, and the harder you try the worse and worse this situation will get. And I am really alarmed at how many people here jump to depression and meds, don't do this to her! You don't want to have her living with those labels for the rest of her life! This is so normal! I reccomend love and logic, it works! I don't punish or take thing's away, I do thing's for kids who treat me nicely like giving rides, doing their laundry, letting their friends come to our home, taking them too the movies, it's boundaries and accountability! When you try and control and punish she gets mad at you and does not solve her problem! This is her problem! I know it is hard, try the love and logic, I read more than one book, rented videos and attend several seminars, you have to break your natuaral habits( like what our parents did, but society is ddiferent today!). She most likely will be out of the house in two years, she needs to learn to make good decisions! Also I reccomend a book called Nurture Shock, there is a whole section on teens and arguing, interesting stuff!

Hey mom,
Where is the discipline?? The respect for mother and family??

Take stuff away, ground her! Don't let her disrespect you, ever! It will only get worse. Plus, you have to set an example for your son who will be doing the same in a couple years.

Set rules; no snapping at your or her brother, leave the attitude at her friends or at school, and have respect for family and home, and no violence.

If its not manditory to have it, like a cell phone, take it away, first for 2 days, then longer if the attitude continues. Stop the use of the house phone, computer, tv in the room, friends coming over, her going to friends, after school hangouts, especially weekends with friends.

If you start with something that will hurt the most, it may stop or at least change something. If it gets worse, take more away. Sooner or later, she will have to change her attitude or do nothing but sit in her room and read.

You are the parent, it is your right to discipline in order to change her behavior. Not just your right, but your obligation, your job! And as much as we really dont want to "hurt" them, it needs to be done to try and make them become a better person.

It's a little late to introduce 1-2-3 magic. but that is no reason why you and your son should be victims of her mood swings, negativeness, and selfishness, and just being rude. (Yes, you said she's negative to what other people think or feel, that is selfish.)

You also have to consider the changes she is going through, but that is no reason to be lacking in discipline. School, dating, homework, peer pressure, sex, drugs. You should have open communication with her, and we can only hope that it has been open thus far - keep it open, if not, open communication yourself.

Initiate conversations about what her friends are doing, how she is doing with friends, school.

Make sure she knows your feelings about drugs, dating and sex. And don't forget to monitor her!

These are the hardest, I know, with 2 teenagers myself, ages 18 and 16. We talk all the time, I know their friends, talk to parents when plans are made for overnights, I have friends house and cell numbers, screen names, and email address for some.

I also have passwords to everything my kids access on my home computer. I check on them all the time. I check out friends profiles, posted pictures/comments, I read emails - sent and received, everything. At least once a month, sometimes more. And I save every instant message conversation to read later. Its the only way to keep kids safe when they dont want to talk to you.

It may be a bit drastic, but I also search bookbags, purses and dresser drawers occassionally.

Kids dont like it much, invasion of privacy and all that, but as a mother, it has to be done. And in my house, as long as they live in my house, there is no such thing as privacy.

Well Im going thru the same thing but I have a son hes 14 years old. TEEN PHASE is all I hear people tell me but come on I dont want to make a mistake or make him depressed.

My son was a smart child now seems to careless about school, doesnt even bother to do homework. Last year we had a meeting with his teachers and he blamed his issue to his grand fathers death.

He doesnt go out, friends dont come over or call looks to me like hes an outsider. I try to encourge him have friends but keeps them at school.

Hes 14 and I have two smaller boys ages 6 and 5, I work full time and his dad works different shifts so I get the most of the parenting.

please help I feel like im going crazy and feel like a bully all the time