Help - Alfred, NY

M., I really would like to reach out and give you a hug right about now. You certainly sound like you need one as well as your daughter. There are two strains of Herpes. There is HSV 1 which is oral and then there is HSV2 which is Genital. Im going to guess here and say that you have HSV2. First I would like to address the feelings that you first had, the feelings of feeling, dirty, ashamed and low, all of those feelings are completely normal, but it has been 10 years and hun things have certainly changed alot over them 10 long years. Here is a scary fact 1 out of every five people have Herpes. It's a HUGE problem with no cure, sadly. As far as the dating situation goes, you do not have to be alone. There is someone out there who will love you for you and not care that you cary the HSV2 virus. Herpes is mostly spread during an outbreak, not saying that you have to have an outbreak to spread it, but that is when it's mostly contagious. There are things you can do to protect your partner and yourself. Moving on I would like to tell you that your daughter is 100% right, you can give her a hug and a kiss she wont contact it that way, you can share a drink with her, she wont catch it that way. The times you have outbreaks is when you are most contagious and seeing as how Im assuming you have HSV 2, hugging, kissing and sharing a drink is okay. Please hun get some help and educate yourself on this virus. You can live a full life with the herpes virus. You don't have to hide and be ashamed and by writing what you did here you have taken a step in the right direction. Good luck and lots of hugs to you and your daughter both, you can surely use them.

She is 10 and she can understand if you explain to her when you cannot kiss her or share a tub. You can kiss her all you want as long as you have no cold sores, and take showers with her instead of baths. GSK (Valtrex)has a great treatment for Herpes, and it I hear is a great drug.

I grew up in a family where my parents had Herpes, dad cheated on mom ETC, us 4 kids never got it. My mother was NEVER careful, we shared shapstick and what not our whole lives and never knew about their outbreaks until we were old enough to learn about it in school.

My husband is a dentist and he deals with Herpes on a daily basis. He knows genital herpes can interchange with oral herpes, and when a patient is having an active outbreak of oral herpes they postpone all elective dental work.

PLEASE EMAIL ME if you need to talk. ITS OK!!
Talk to your daughter, be open and honest. Take her to the doctor with you and have him explain the disease and not scare her. I understand your caution, but you CAN kiss her, just not if she has a cut on her lip and you have an active outbreak.

Hi M.,

I definately feel for you! I discovered I had the same thing when I was pregnant for my 1st son. I was so scarred to tell my husband! But I did. He was really upset, but eventually got over it. Neither one of us knows how I got it, or who passed it to who. It can remain inactive for many, many years without having an outbreak. I think it was the stress of my preganancy that produced my outbreak.
Anyway, I think you may be confused on how this disease can be passed to others. You can definately kiss your daughter!!!!And Hug her too!!! I suggest you start immediately!!! With joy in your heart!!! Neither one of those actions can pass this on to your precious daughter. If she tried on your PJ"s, don't worry about it, that won't do it either.
I know that it is embarrasing, but you relly need to talk to your doctor and get the facts about this disease, and how it can be passed. If you don't want to talk to your own doctor, then call Life Line, or your local Center for Disease Control Dept. They are in the phone book, and online. As a matter of fact, just "Google" Herpes, and I'm sure you will find more info there, than you have time to read.

Just don't shut your daughter out. Depending on her maturity, you may want to even tell her why you have acted the way yu have. You really have to stress to her that it is not her fault that you haven't been able to show her the love and affection for her, that she deserves. She is probably thinking that there is something wrong with her, that her own mom doesn't want to hold her and kiss her, like she sees her aunt do to her cousins.

I'm not a psychologist or have an proper schooling on this, but if anything I said helps you, then I'm glad I took the time to write you. I've made alot of mistakes with my kids over the yers. My oldest will be 15 in October, and my youngest son is 13. Their father and I are almost divorced now. It has been pretty awful. I am trying to repair my relationship with my boys now.

I hope this helped in some way. Please write me abck, and let me know.

Have a great Day!! And go HUG your kid!!!
A.

I'm no herpes expert, but couldn't either you or your fiance have contracted the virus BEFORE you two got together and you only became aware of it when it flared up? The virus may have shown symptoms before, but nobody put two and two together.

When you were diagnosed, your doctor didn't tell you that virtually the only way you can pass this on is through sexual contact?

I agree with you that it's important for you to share with other sufferers. In fact, I know someone (out of state) who also has herpes and he is the member of a group of people who only date other people with herpes. If you Google "Herpes dating" I'm sure you'll get more information. If not dating, why not join an online chat/sharing group for herpes sufferers?

Please, please, please, get information from your doctor. It's sad what your daughter has been through, but it's never too late to make up for it. There is no need not to hug and love and give her affection. Give her a hug from me as well.

PEACE

I think you should speak with you doctor. I know it's easily spread but I think you are being over cautious. Speak with a doctor FRANKLY... about what si safe and what isn't... you might be able to do more then you think.. but I can't offer specifics not being a doctor or not knowing how it is in your case... You might be able to do more with her then you think.. and frankly if she'd talkign to you like that and feeling that way... the truth and talkign to HER may be the best way.. screw everyone else.. tell her what is happening.. so she knows. That is the best advice I can offer. Good luck

oh honey I am so sorry for what your going through, you need to sit down with your doctor and have a nice long talk. I don't know alot about herpes, but I'm pretty sure that you can't get it by hugging and kissing like that. I do know the way things are today you do have one thing to be greatful for, you caught herpes and not hiv. It's hard to remember, by just know things could always be worse. Talk to your doctor, do some research online, and if you ever need to talk email me at ____@____.com I'll be glad to listen. good luck to you, and your little girl, tell her every day how much you love her.

I had to respond although I cannot relate. Your post here almost made me cry. I could never imagine what you go through everyday. My only advice would be to tell your daughter you are sick and don't want to get her sick, you don't have to go into depth about the problem. Tell her how much you love her and how much you want to kiss her and be close but because you love her so much you don't ever want to see her sick. Also, have you asked your doctors if you can catch Herpes from sharing towels and clothes or drinking after someone who has it? I understand you have to paranoid about spreading it, especially to someone as precious as your daughter, but I think maybe because it is your daughter and she is noticing the distance between you you could possibly lighten up and trust your doctors. Again, I am sorry that I had to reply knowing nothing about your virus. You just really touched my heart today. I know how much I love my children and couldn't imagine being in your shoes. I sincerely hope that you will get some good advice here, and I think that if you tell your daughter frequently that you love her, there is no way she would believe you didn't.

I am sorry that your fiance cheated on you, that is awful. However, I think you really need to relax about giving your daughter herpes. My husband had herpes before we started dating, and I researched it and decided that I loved him more than I was afraid of getting it. After 3 years, during my 3rd trimester, I developed herpes and we both sort of freaked out about the whole birthing process and giving our unborn child the disease. My doctors, however, calmed me down significantly. First you should remember that a surprisingly large proportion of the population has this - in all walks of life. It is something like 1/4 to 1/3 of all adults. There is a fair amount of shame and embarasment about it, but there shouldn't be - especially since it is not your fault that you have it. The easiest thing to do would be to take Valtrex regularly and then the chances of giving it to your daughter are very slim. I do worry about giving it to my daughter, but I still take baths with her and kiss her and share everything with her (well, I don't have oral herpes, so the kissing hting doesn't really matter). Think about how you got it - it wasn't just from little kisses like you would give your daughter. Basically, I think that it is far worse for your daughter to grow up feeling unloved than for her to contract herpes. At this point in her life it wouldn't do her any serious damage. That is my take on it, but I would talk to your doctor about how contagious it is and about getting on Valtrex.

wow, 10 years is a long time to have dealt with this on your own. have you talked to your doctor about all of this?? have you had outbreaks? do you really have the herpes virus? has your daugther been tested? i can't imagine what you are feeling or going through, but i really think that you should talk to your doctor about it, and get some real answers about this and hopefully you and your daugther can have a healthy relationship and maybe you can have a heathly relationship with a great guy who won't cheat and put your life in danger like your daugthers father did. good luck and i hope that your burden is lessened, you will feel so much better after that happens....

Hi M.,

Herpies can be a scary thing, but you seem like even after all these years you have not been properly informed about your issues. First off, talk to your doctor. Also if your daughter is already 10 years old, she may be old enough to sit down with her and your doctor and have a heart to heart as to what is going on and why you are so cautious with her. It is always nice to protect your children, but it sounds like your little girl is growing up thinking you don't love her, and that is no way for a child to think. Talk to your doctor, and ask him even if you should have a 3 way conference with your daughter. Even if you don't inform her, PLEASE, inform yourself!

Well I'm very sorry that it took you 10 years to reach out for advice, but the sexually transmitted herpes strain isn't communicable through close contact. The herpes that produces cold sores on your lips is the same strain as the STD and the time to be most careful is when there is a flare up. Also have you checked recently because a lot of women shed the disease while giving birth. The layers of skin that stretch and tear are usually where the disease is carried and will sometimes be released afterbirth. Whatever you do.... HUG YOUR LITTLE GIRL!!!! She definitely needs it!!! She won't be little for very long and she may resent you later for it.... good luck!

Oh my God...I could cry. You need to give that daughter some physical loving! Otherwise she's going to be looking for it elsewhere when she gets a little older. I spent my teen years looking for the love of my father and in the process got herpes myself. I have been living with herpes for quite some time now around 10 years. Unlike you I was not a victim I was looking for a good time and got it...and then some. At first I was really ashamed and afraid for my future. But as time went by I came to terms with it and realized that it really isn't that big of a deal. You really should research it on line if you haven't already. I really don't think you are in danger of giving anything to your daughter except maybe coldsores. You have to have direct contact with an area of your body to spread it.
Herpes has never gotten in the way of anything in my life, if anything it has helped me make better decisions in my life and be more discriminate in my actions. I always told potential parners the truth and most men where willing to take the precautions to go ahead with relations and use protection. Please do not feel ashamed at least in your case you were a victim, it's not like you were out sinning or something. YOu would be suprised to know the amount of people who have herpes and how understanding and appreciative people can be when you tell them the truth and give them a choice. If someone doesn't want you because you have herpes they really aren't worth having anyway. This virus is not that big of a deal!
I would say you have to do some serious damage control with your daughter. She is big enough to understand everything. Explain your past behavior and stop it for goodness sake. Don't share your drinking glass and don't kiss her if you have a cold sore.
God bless you both.

Many people have that and are fine, There is a medicine that you should be on which will control it. You can hug, kiss, share drinks, as long as you dont have anything on your mouth when you are doing this. You need to find some reading material and become educated on this. You will be fine. Hug your daughter and love her. It is not a death sentence, it was a horrible thing that happened to you, but you need to talk to your doctor or read up on this before you spend the rest of your life and your daughter's life like you have been. You can have a boyfriend, you need to be careful when you have sex.

Hello,
No I don't have herpes, but I would suggest that you first be open and honest with your daughter. Let her know what is going on and what your fears are so that she understands why you are the way you are with her. Also, I am assuming your family has no idea about this either. To be quite honest I think that you should tell them too. Also, why can you not hug your daughter? Hugging is not going to transmit the herpes. HSV is generally transmitted by direct contact of lips or genitals when the sores are present, or also when no sores are present (known as viral shedding). HSV can be present in semen, vaginal fluids, and saliva.

I would also recommend talking to your doctor about some kind of treatment to reduce the break outs and such.

I truly believe you need to tell your family and your daughter. They deserve to know. After all you are family and they love you. Granted they can't help you, but at least they can support you.

K.

M., Sounds like you need more than advice from some of us. But sometimes just being able to write things down and feel safe is important too. It took a lot of guts to write to us. I am not a herpes expert by any means, but I do know that you can not give your daughter the virus buy showing her you love her with hugs and kisses. Your pain goes deeper than this virus. I am going to make a bold suggestion. If you have not talked to a professional, that you do that for your own pain, but also for your daughters. Talk to a counselor/phychiatrist that can help you with the reason why you are so distant with her. A counselor may be able to give you guys ideas that can help you develope a bond that is unique for the two of you. From my understanding, she can't get the virus unless you have blisters that are open. I can't imagine your fears for your daughter. But I do know that she needs to feel your love and not just hear the words that you love her. ACTIONS speak louder than words sometimes. My heart bleeds for you both right now, but I challenge you to find someone to help heal this pain from your past and how to live with no regrets. Best of luck to you both.

ok calm down. what type do you have? I'm pretty sure you can hug her and give her a kiss just not on an open cut or sore.

Ask your dr what you can do and what you cant. I dont have herpes so im not sure-BUT I AM SURE YOU WONT GIVE IT TO HER IF YOU HUG HER! dont worry so much and as for the dating thing when you find the right guy everything will fall into place, and he will understand that you got herpes from her father and how he got it.

I hope this has helped you,
K.