Help!!!! - Tampa,FL

That sounds just like my husband! My husband was a lot like that when he was that age. He nearly failed school because of his lack of caring, lack of respect, and because of his constant fighting. He was ALWAYS in trouble! Anyway, he started martial arts. It taught him discipline and respect, not only for others, but for himself. It gave him an environment where he could positively direct his anger. He did a complete 180! As a former martial artist myself, I can definitely tell you that it is an attitude changing experience. You'll be amazed at the transformation. And once he gets into it and starts competing, he will be proud of his accomplishments and you can show him how proud you are too, which will help his esteem (probably the underlying cause of his aggression). Try it for a while, no less than six months so that he has a chance to really get into it.
I also agree that your son may feel unwanted or unloved. Try to include him in things. Take some time for just the two of you. Maybe he will open up and tell you what is really going on. Provide stability. Do not send him away again. That is only a last resort. There are many more options for you to try first. As in my husband's case, he has ADD and his mother treated him differently because of it. He was hurt because she chose to spend all her time (and money) on his brother. He lashed out just to get her attention! His dad was a salesman on the road all the time, so he wasn't much help. He was frustrated in school because the teachers wouldn't help him learn. Kids made fun of him because he wore glasses, etc. There is something in your son's life that is eating at him. And no disrespect intended, but it's probably his parents. But try the martial arts thing. It'll be good for him physically and mentally. Good luck and best wishes. I hope it all works out.

I AM NOT AT HOME BUT THERE IS A MILITARY SCHOOL THAT IS FUNDED BY THE STATE I WILL BE SURE TO SEE THAT U GET THE NAME & # I AM GOING TO BE SENDING MY SON THERE AS SOON AS HE IS 16 HOPE IT WILL HELP YOU L.

Understand I mean this in the most helpful and respectful way. Your son has no stability. His father isn't taking an active roll in his life and his mother doesn't even want him, now his father doesn't either. The boy is angry. Find his nitch, drawing, art, music, sports, something that can give him an out and some counselors who can talk to him. Sending him away again won't help if he already feels abandoned. Who is he hanging out with? Is he involved in youth groups, church groups? Just because you are busy with a young child does not mean you should ignore and send your oldest away. Sit back and think how you would feel and begin to act. I would be hateful too. It may take a lot of time, but be patient and slowly work back into his world. That doesn't mean tell him yes so he gets what he wants. Children need structure through out there entire lives into Adulthood and then some.

Hello L.. I encourage you to re-read the other valuable posts left for you -- the advice you are given is of a quality and insight that I find impressive. FYI: family therapists specialize in family systems, there are several in Tampa. Kind Regards, M. Epstein, LMFT

Hi L.,
I remember that my little brother went through what you are describing. It was shortly after my parents divorced and my mom started dating a new man. My brother is now 26 and at least 10 years have passed. He says he felt like he had no place. My father had a new girlfriend and my mom was pregnant with a new baby. He lashed out for attention and was also fine if he got his way. I know it may sound "touchy feely" but has anyone (you or your ex) tried talking with your son about how he feels about where he lives, or having a new child around. I think at that age kids want to have some control about what's happening in their lives. If he's being bounced around that could be causing resentment and more anger issues. Does your son have a job? Or some kind of responsibility? Maybe he needs some self discipline. I would try family counseling before shipping him off somewhere else. We'll see what i have to say when my son turns 16! : )
I am certainly not a professional, but your story just sounded so similar to something I have seen. In the end my brother just wanted to know that he was loved and wanted. I wish you luck!

L.

Eckerd Academy in Christmas is a facility that rehabilitates youth that have been adjucated by a judge to spend time there. They usually have committed petty crimes. Your son would not be eligible if he hasn't broken the law but maybe they can refer you to a facility that can help your son. The phone # at the Academy is ###-###-####.

Dear L.,

This is a very tough age. We have gone through hell with our daughter and are now coming out of it. The best advice is KEEP HIM BUSY! Find activities that are of interest; sports, acting classes, martial arts, whatever you can find. Do not let him have down time to hang out with friends and get into trouble.

Talk to him and find out if he is angry about something. My daughter is actually a step daughter and she had a lot of resentment regarding her parents divorce. It took a lot of time to pull out of her the upsets she had. Try and be truthful and get him to talk to you.

Most of all get him into activities.

Good luck.

D.

I will pray for you!!! It sounds like the only one who can help you is our Father. But don't underestimate his power, for he created everything! Pray without ceasing! God bless you and your family. J.

L.,

I have three sons 17, 19 and 8 years old. Fortunatley I do not have this problem but what I would do is try to find some resourses from your local police dept. or the officer assigned to you nearest loacal high school and let them know the situation. Maybe they can show him dont bite off the hand that feeds him because it will lead him down a path he might not want to go.
I do kinda know how you feel, my older one tried this once but I would not have it and told him to get out if he has no respect and I did, see he didnt think I would ever in a million years do that to my first born and that is what he might think, he is to young for you to kick him out. Anyway contact your local H.S. and police and maybe they can put you in the right direction.

DON'T GIVE UP ON HIM!!!!!!!!

D.

If he is a threat to harm himself or others then I would baker act him. Call your doctor and see about a referral to a therapist for him!

Hi L., there's a lot of great advice here but I have so much compassion for you that I want to give my own advice. I think family therapy is a great idea and I believe there are state resources available to you if you can't afford it. Just look in the front of your white pages under all the governmental departments. I strongly believe that you should not back down from your son when he has an outburst. There is something he's trying to express but it should not be at the expense of the family. He's controlling you and your family and should know it won't be tolerated. Let him know that you see his anger and that he's safe to express it but violence towards anyone will result in severe consequences. Be specific and sincere about what that is. Then he needs a safe place/ person to sort out what he's feeling without fear of rejection or other consequences. It may help for him to hear from you that you will do whatever it takes to help him and that he won't be abandoned, that you're angry too that he's hurting so much and that if there's anything you may have done, unintentionally, that you are sorry and take responsibility for your part. Then follow through. Trust is clearly an issue for him. I know in a divorce we are forced to make difficult decisions, including where to live and what you want for your own future. We may sometimes underestimate how it will affect our children.
As a side note; you may want to look up something called "indigo child" on the web. All the best to you and your family.

Your son's behavior sounds a lot like my younger brother. Have you gotten any kind of psychological evaluation? With my brother it turned out to be a combination of drug use and psychological disorders. He was misdiagnosed with ADHD at 13 and medicated for it, but the medications aggrivated the psychological problems he actually had and made him terrifying to live with. He would become so angry and lash out and never remember doing it. He is an adult now and his condition has leveled out quite a bit, but my stepmom is still afraid of him. At the very least it sounds like your son is going through a lot emotionally and may just need an objective party to talk to. I would explore counseling to get to the root of his behavior before shipping him off to military school. That could do more harm than good if this is an emotional or psychological problem.

GO TO WWW.PEACEFULPARENTING.NET. SPEAK WITH GINNY LUTHER. SHE DOES HOME VISITS AS WELL AND WORKS SPECIFICALLY WITH YOUNG CHILDREN AND TEENAGERS TO FIGURE OUT ISSUES LIKE THIS. SHE IS VERY GOOD. AND WILL BE ALOT CHEAPER THAN MILITARY SCHOOL. IF YOU HAVE QUESTIONS YOU CAN EMAIL ME BACK AT ____@____.com CONTACT HER DIRECTLY.

It sounds like normal rebellion, but due to the nature of being back and forth, he may feel unloved. Parents and children will always bump heads, but the message should always be the same - you love him no matter what. I would try talking to him first, then if that doesn't work try finding a mediator (counselor, pastor, respected family friend or family member). I've read a really good book to help me with my son when he was in his terrible 2/3's. The Five Love Languages of Children (for all ages). But, he had the same attitude that your son does (they usually do at that age and it's called tantrums). Remember those! Teenage rebellion, it's like toddlers all over again.

If you would like my copy of this book, I am also in Carrollwood. The book focuses on loving your son the way he needs to be loved. Some children feel loved by receiving small gifts, words of affirmation, affection, quality time, or acts of service. If you feel like you are lacking in some of those areas I would strongly recommend reading this book.

Hi L.,

Wow, I feel for you. It sounds like tough situation.

I personally have never dealt with a biological child that rebellious, but my husband�s son was difficult and frightening at that age too. He actually got physical and threatening with my husband and we couldn�t live like that. At 16 he was told to leave our home and he went to live with his mother who was in the same neighborhood. Neither his mother nor her husband could control him either and he then went to live with a grandmother, which is where he is living still. He�s 22 now and as far as I know he hasn�t had any trouble with the grandma, though we have no contact with him. What ever his matter was, it seems to have worked it self out.

My brother�s son began rebelling and assaulting his younger � sisters at about age 15. Therapy and counseling were tried, but eventually the social workers told my brother that if he didn�t find another suitable home for his son, the state would come in and remove ALL of his children. So, his son went to live with his grandma and then by the time he was 17 he was living on his own and supporting himself. He is 25 now and lives in Germany, is a successful pilot and businessman and travels the world. He still has resentment issues regarding his parents divorce, but he is now a man to be proud of.

My suggestion would be to get your son into therapy, if you have insurance to cover it. If possible, cut back on your hours at work, or take an extended leave of absence to show your son that you�re willing to do what ever it takes to get him help and to have a happy family life. Spend time with him just hanging out or doing fun things.

It�s dangerous to have a baby in a home with someone potentially violent and threatening. If therapy and spending loads of time with your son don�t work, find someone else to take him in. A sibling of yours or your ex�s, or even a relative or your new husband might consider taking him. Don�t leave your baby at risk. Sometimes it can be a real wake up call to a teen when they�re suddenly faced with either following the rules in someone else�s home, who�s NOT their parent, or being a hairs breath from living in foster care.

If all else fails, call the cops if you feel threatened. I know that sounds like a horrible thing to do, but it may just be the thing to turn him around. It will let him know in no uncertain terms that you and your family won�t tolerate being treated badly. Make him understand you expect the he treat you and ALL of his family with respect and without threats or violence. No one should live in fear, including parents. Work with his father and step mom to come up with a plan.

Some kids get into �bully� mode at that age and get a thrill from flexing their muscles and watching their parents cringe in fear, especially if they�ve out grown their parents physically and can inflict harm. It�s important to either get him help, or make it stop by removing him from the home.

Those are just some of my bright ideas.

I hope things work out for your family. Good Luck.

Polk County has a one day program that is open to anyone that is interested (in and out of county), called the STAR (Sheriff's Training and Respect) Program. It is inexpensive (I believe the cost is nominal) and it may be an opportunity for your son to get a wake up call. Contact the Polk County Sheriff's Office for information.

Maybe try Florida Youth Ranch, they have many programs which may help, including counseling etc. I think they even have a program which the child can reside in their care. You would have to call the nearest one closest to you explain your situation and ask them which program they feel would be the best one for your child and your family. I think it is also by donationations from the community so the cost could be little to none. It includes family counseling and having the family very involved so that if he has any issued that you may not know about he will get one on one counseling and then family counseling to help get these issues out, work on them, and help him re-blend into the family. Since the family would be very involved he would not feel unwanted, but would realize by the time it was over that you reached out to help him, and took the time to be involved in getting things straightened out. I have worked with troubled kids at Arnette House in Ocala, Florida, and I know it is hard but you will all get through this, as for your husband, your son has to come first he depends on you and needs your help! Good luck!

HI L..

Not sure where carollwood is, but if it is near Broward county.. have you tried calling Henderson Mental Health? They have a program called the PPP and they help families who are struggling with ungovernable children. They go out to the house and offer services for the family and child, things to keep him busy with things he likes and get counseling. Their main number is ###-###-####, if you want to speak to them about it, they might be able to connect you to an agency in your area. If he's always been a pretty good kid, then I don't think it would be a mental issue, just behavioral, and at 16 you think you know everything and want to act like an adult but also as a kid. Just remember it's a tough age already and if you recently got divorced, it might make it even harder. Sometimes you just have to treat them as more so a friend to get on their level and get an understanding, rather than as a parent. Maybe talk to him about some short term goals that he would like to accomplish like getting a car or comp,etc. let him get a job, so he has some responsibility towards his own destiny. For example, maybe he does want a car... he gets a job, contributes to getting the car, maybe you and his dad can contribute the other half... something along those lines. Let him know you love him, you just don't like the things he's doing or whatever.

Not sure if the rest of florida has First Call For Help... they can locate other resources for you if you explain what you're looking for. Just dial 211 and if that doesn't work call ###-###-#### or go on their website. They can give you numbers to agencies that might be able to help you. Have a lot of patience and I hope things work out for you.

You have yourself a very real and complex problem here. First is the safety of your family. It sounds like everyone is afraid of this kid. Has he ever had a mental health work up?
You could be in real danger. Get this help now. An if he threatens people, file a police complaint. You cannot have someone like this in your home potentially endangering the lives of those you love.
By the way, is this new type behavior or is this the same, old manipulative stuff the kid has used most of his life. Does anyone in his life get along with him? Good luck.

I am not going through this nor have I gone through it, just wanted to let you know that I'm praying that all works out for you. Hang in there.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. No one should have to go through that ever with there kids. I know you said you had contemplated military boarding school but couldn't afford it. Have you checked to see if they had some kind of financial assistance or scholarship that you might be able to get to get him to go. It would be a great experience for him. I had a brother in law that was very unruly and causing problems all the time and his parents managed to get some kind of assistance to send him. He didn't really care for it cause they are VERYYYYYYYYYY STRICT! Also, not sure if she is old enough or not, but you might want to check into Job Corps for your state. Hope you get some relief.

I can't say that I have been in your shoes exactly; however, I have been in the girlfriend's shoes. My husband had 2 teenage boys when we first married. We went through the same thing with them (one in particular). He was disrupting our home and his mother did not want him living with her disrupting her home. However, this child needs to feel loved and wanted. As hard as it may be, you just have to tough it out and show him as much love and understanding as you possibly can. I don't know the exact behaviors he is expressing, but hang in there! As my grandmother always said, 'this too shall pass!'. In the meantime, maybe try to get him involved in as many activities that he enjoys as possible. Kids are looking for structure, even though they will never admit it. They are looking for someone to give them boundaries, which is what they need at this formidable age. I know I probably wasn't much help, but I do feel your frustration. I wish you the best and hope things get better for you and your family soon.

Hi L.,
My son was about 13 when he finally came to live with me and my husband (his step father) I thought for sure that we would never get through it. The only advise I can offer really is to try to talk with him like a person not your child. Let him know that you love him but at the same time if he wants to visit things have to change. Make sure that he feels like part of both familys. I know that my son felt like an outsider and he chose it that way - at about the age of 18 I packed his belongings and met him on the porch. That was all I could handle. I realize that it is really hard to give tough love but he needed to understand that he a step- brother and sister and a half sister that really did not need the things that he was handing out. Disrespect to everyone especially my husband - This almost destoried everything I had worked to build for all of us. He is now in the military and I am gonna be a grandma(hes 22) I was a long road that was was filled with alot of anger, and confusion but he now gets it and tells me and his stepfather how he wish things could have been better.
I really hope you work this out - it is hard and very trying. But so very worth it.
Hope this helps.

Sincerely hopeful,

L. Lee

Hi,
My first thought is, does your son know he's NOT WANTED ? That everyone seems to be afraid of him? Second thought was it's possible that he may have some issues that he needs to talk about and does not know how to approach you. Possibly talk to him, have him sit and listen to your concerns about him, don't judge him love him and try to do the best for him. If talking does not work and you are really that afraid of him then maybe call the police or take him to see someone. To me it seems like he is calling out for help. I do not know the home situation or what has happened to him in the past but, it seems that he is crying out for help. Are drugs involved that could trigger the outburst, has someone beat him there are endless things that could be bugging him. So for the sake of his well being seek help for him. Sending him away will only make it worse, he WILL have a huge resentment towards you. Again I do not know all the details but it just seems like he needs/wants attention and does not know how to ask for the good kind. Good Luck

Good morning L.,
DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOUR SON. It sounds like the worst situation imaginable but my brother and his wife are going through a situation similar to yours and have just recently found a home to put his step daughter in. I don't know all the information as far as cost, but it is in the mountains of Georgia, is affordable for them (they work for the post office), and is for one year during which time my neice will graduate high school whereas before she was going into the ninth grade for the third time. I will get all this information and send it to you via e-mail and if you want. I can see if my brother and sister-in-law would be willing to speak with you about their situation and this school and how they are dealing with the guilt and so on if you want. (She didn't know until it was too late to run. She learned just yesterday that this is for a year not the 3 months she had been led to believe.) But for now hold on. I have questions that may or may not be appropriate, but you need to answer yourself not me.

1. How long ago did you divorce?
2. Is there a chemical imbalance?
3. Who hurt him and how?
4. Do you love him enough to hurt him by sending him where he can get help?
5. Why is it that you exhusband's girlfriend and your husband have a problem with him? Does he instigate the problem or is he acting out because of them?
6. Does your ex have any new children?
7. If you didn't have your little one would this be as big of an issue? If not, is it for his/her safety (do you think your son would hurt the baby?) or for your husband's peace of mind.
8. Is it just anger? Is it resentment? Is it drugs?
9. Will he sit with you and talk or do you have to scream to get his atttention?
10. Have you considered emmancipation? At 16 you can seperate yourselves from each other legally and he is on his own to figure things out.
11. What kind of threats? Has he EVER acted on it?
12. How long has it been going on?
13. Do you think there is anyway to get him to see a psychologist without having to be sent away? Would your insurance cover it? He is under 18 and you could probably get him state insurance to cover it ( they are not denying anyone anymore regardless of income).
14. Are there any family members he could stay with that he respects like grandparents aunts or uncles or even cousins?

Okay, so let me tell you that when I was a teen I was awful, I was rude, I was disrepectful, I was angry, I was hurt, I acted out, I ran away, I got in fights, I was an A student and I dropped out of school, I took drugs, I got arrested, I got pregnant, I became homeless, I got help, I got a job, I got married, I went to college, I had two more children, and now almost 30 my life is good. I lost everything including my parents respect and 10 years later I still can't look them in the eye without feeling the shame of how I treated them. And yet they never blamed me or said anything about how poorly I treated them, They respect me as a person who went from good to bad and back to good.

Know that your family will survive regardless and have hope that it will be whole again. I will send you everything I can get about that home, until then best of luck and stay strong.

J.

I am so sorry for your rough time right now. I had a similar issue with my oldest son, although he is only 9. The disrespect and constant threats against himself where enough warrant a visit to a child phsycologist (sp?) .... the teniques that worked for us, I doubt would work for your son since he is much older, but the doctor should be of a help. Call your pediatrician, even if it is your babies and not your teens, and tell them what is happening. Tell them how scared you are and ask for a referral to see a child phsycologist. They should be able to one, test him for any disorders such as bi-polar or adhd, etc and for two, tell you different ways to help him and yourself through this stage. I wish you the best of luck!! *hugs*

Hi L.,
I'm a wife mother of a 2 yr old and expecting twins a boy and a girl next month.My advice to you is to try talking to him he may be going through some teenage problems,trust me know is not the time to let him loose,maybe he needs some attention,guidance are even more love from you ,try to be his friend not his ennemy,because if you don't he'll probably turn to someone else with his problems,make time for him, tell him you love him, and if that does not work keep trying until you get control of him and if you are a religious person take him to church,pray and leave it in Gods hands.I also will be praying for him.Good luck.

I really wish you the best with this. 16 is a hard age, although my son is not at that age yet, I was that child you describe at 16. I was difficult and angry and no one wanted me to be around, unfortunately I never really got help and it landed me in a lot of trouble, so I hope that you are able to explore some of the avenues here and find him something that works well. I do have one suggestion for someplace to look into. My friend was recently going through something similar and I found this place for her. http://www.greenisleranch.com/. They deal specifically with children going through what your son is and provide counseling. It is also a boarding school, so he can continue his education. It is a great place and perhaps it will give you something else to check into.

Best of luck.