Help - Round Lake, NY

M.,
I lived with my parents when I had my son and also my family was very supportive, however, I have finally gotten things together and am in the processs of moving out myself but my son is now 11. I got very comfortable living there and thought I could not live on my own. But I am afraid that my son is not going to want to leave the only home he has know so my advice is to do it sooner than later for everyone because the longer you are there the more everyone will get even more attached. Good luck!

J.

Hi M. my name is S.. I know what your going through, I had my daughter at 18 and was living with my parents also. Her father at the time was not involved either. Heres the great news you can do this on your own if you really want to. Once I graduated from shool I went to work full time so I could support my family, and because my parents where so close with my daughter they agreed to watch her 2 days a week so I only had her 3 days in daycare. I found an appartment within my budget and when paying all the bills I managed my money carefully. Try not to get caught up in proving to everyone how strong you are but remember people want to help you and care very much for you and your child. It's tough but you'll get through this. stay faithfull to the lord and know that only he will really make this happen if you ask him. S.

Dear M.,

I hear what a dilemma you feel you're in. It's hard to understand too much about your situation from the little bit of info you've provided, but here are some questions that you should ask yourself (not meant for you to answer them publicly). Perhaps in the course of answering these questions, you'll gain of sense of what to do.

It is the role/job of parents to provide for their young children's needs with a goal of *encouraging their growth toward autonomy*. What do you feel your parents' goals are as far as you're concerned? Do you feel that they want you to be independent? Or, do you feel that they want you to care for them? Do you feel that they are acting in accordance with their goals? (In other words, are their actions compatible with the things they say?)

My reason for asking these questions is that if you have a better understanding of where your parents are coming from, you'll be able to plan a more effective talk with them.

I don't know your parents and I don't know the dynamic in your home, but I do think that they are likely to want to help you achieve your independence and autonomy (since that is the high water mark of parental success). I think if you present your quest for independence to them in that way, they would be supportive of you.

There are lots of other factors, of course, to consider, probably chief among them being financial considerations. But, if you can support yourself and your son, then the only thing that remains is giving your parents the opportunity help you become independent by supporting your creation of your own home.

If you're not yet able to support yourself, then this would be time well spent, while you're still at your parents', to get yourself ready to support yourself and your son. How would you do that?

Finally, although your son's dad is not in the picture, is he or his family able to assist you financially?

I hope this has been a little helpful! First comes the desire, then the action! If you think it through a little, your path will be clear to you. Best of luck!

You definitly SHOULD move out. I don't believe that we really grow up until we do. If you haven't spoken to anyone at the Dept of Social Services,you should. I don't know what your employment situation is, but you may be entitled to subsidized housing, food stamps and child care re-imbursment. There is help for you if you ask, and good luck to you and your child!
N. from the YMCA

I was in your situtation about 3 weeks ago, I lived with my parents. I have two little girls and I am 28 yrs old and a single mom, I wanted my own place, my dad doesnt work and my mom works everyday. Needless to say regardless of how my dad felt I moved out on November 9th, I love my new place and so do my daughters. My dad said "you are ripping my heart out" but he now appreciates his "queit time" and our visits. You really need your space for your mental health. plus its hard when your children have two or three grownups telling them what to do. YOUR THE MAMA and besdies how nice it to leave your shoes whereever you want to!

Hey there M.,
I feel you on this one and As a single mother of two I kow what it's like on both sides of the fence. I was living at "his" parents house while I was pregnant and needed to get the 'F' out of there fast. Long story short, I had no idea what i was in for. Bills, Bills, Bills!!! they never stop. I have to penny pinch when it comes to everything and the boys and I don't go anywhere or do anything that cost money and that's no fun for them. It sucks. Not only am I not happy but my kids pick up on it, Every child will pick up on it and believe me, it effects them in a big way. I even get child support and have a decent job. It doesn't matter, it's exspensive. If you have a supportive loving family and as long as the baby knows you're Mommy and make the rules, you should stay where you are. Here's some tips I can give you to help you prepare yourself. Pick up some of the utility bills for your parents, offer to do the grocery shopping, clean the whole house without a babysitter, and when you go on errands, always take the baby. This will give you a good idea of what it's like. It's hard. You can save all the money you want, but if you can't maintain the steady income to cover your exspenses, you'll be setting yourself up to move right back in to your parents and all that bouncing the baby around will bother him emotionally. Trust me. From being in your position to being where I am today, my health and happiness is wrecked and there's no going back. I'm stressed every day, tired and have to "rob Peter to pay Paul" and here I am filing for bankrupcy. You can never be too prepared.
Good Luck.
H.

Your parents sound amazing. Could you try talking to them and explaining how you feel? That you love them and they are great help but you feel the need to again try it on your own? Then maybe you could find a place nearby and still visit quite often, or have them babysit?
I too am a single mother. I am 24 and I had my son when I was 19 (he is now 4). His father has never really been there. I know the difficulties and rewards of taking your child and going out on your own. I moved out of my parents house and into a condo when my son was 18 mths. I suggest looking at options in your area. Maybe it might not be feasible at the moment to move financially but if you can, and you strongly feel this way then explain your need to your parents. It sounds like they will understand if you word it as something you need and not just wanting to leave. Hope this helps! Please contact me if you ever want to chat.

I would say to have a talk with them but reassure them a few times that you will be only 10 minutes (or however far) away. Also say that you will visit them often & tell them that they can come to visit you both as well. Maybe suggest to start having dinner on sunday nights at either their house or your new place. I think as long as you stress to them that you're not going far and that you plan to see them often, they should be okay with your decision. Independence is a good thing. Good luck :) R.

You should be very happy that your parents are there to help you,and to help with your son. I have no one to help if I need a break, because my family is so far away. Take some time. I know you want to stand on your own two feet,but you need to ask yourself if you can? Can you support yourself and your son by yourself? who will watch him while your working? who will watch him while your out? can you afford to do this? You parents are there to help,and until you can positivly be all on your own,I would stay and let them help. If any, for safety reasons for you and your son. Think if you are all on your own by yourself with a small child could you fend off your ex? a restraining order can't keep him from hurting you. Believe me I know. Life goes by so quickly, get your ducks in a row (so to speak) before you move out,otherwise you may find yourself moving back in anyway....

hello well iam a single mother and i still live with my parents his father left before he was 1 i has the restraing order to i do wanna live on my own granted my parents are great they help me out alot but there comes a time you just wanna be on your own and for me i can say no to my son and then he goes upstairs to nana and pop pop and gets it but i whould do what you think but its really hard out there just make sure your gonna be able to make it and tell your parents you just have to try and if it dont work out you will tell them and hopefully they will let you back in which i dont think it whould be hard they sound really nice hope it helps but i hear ya

hey M.. I have sooo been there. I am now about to be 36 and I have 2 daughters, 15 and 16. I lived with Mom and Dad because my husband left us and I just was not ready to face everything on my own. It was a great experience. Tough at times but great support for me and my daughters. I stayed too long. They were less than one and two when I moved back home and we stayed for about 7 years. Too LONG!!! I learned a lot and there was a lot of benefit from it though.
You have to do YOU. I loved it when I moved. I had to adjust but my relationship with Mom and Dad stayed very strong and actually grew as well. I took them for granted and now I am intentional or HAVE to be intentional to see them and spend time with them. My girls have a great relationship with them as well. Part of them being supportive is helping you through tough transitions. This will be one of them. Tough for you and them and your son. If the adults can transition well your son will too. You need to let them them know its nothing about you being unhappy. This move is all about being healthy and whats best for your little family unit of two. If you feel like things are good and you are strong enough, NOW is the best time. You have a GREAT support network and you will need that. I know it will be hard but start talking about it now. Let them see that you have worked through in well. I think most parents just are worried that we won't be okay, but as they see you working through everything and getting it all in order I am sure they will have some peace as well.
I wish you well. YOU CAN DO IT!!! Remember this is about YOU and your son being healthy and developing your own traditions and routines. Just becuase you are not needing as much support doesn't mean you love them any less. Have a great HOLIDAY SEASON. Feel free to email me anytime.

M.,

You have to do what is best for your family. I'm sure your parents realized when you moved in that you wouldn't be there forever. Although I'm sure they'll miss you both terribly, they might also be happy to be just the two of them again. Maybe you can find a place close by so that you can visit each other regularly. Remember that each should call the other first before dropping in. Or maybe you can have a standing dinner date one night during the week/weekend.

Before you move out, make sure you are prepared financially, emotionally, and have a trusted babysitter for when you're at work! (Your babysitter needs to be aware of the restraining order against your child's father.)

Good luck with everything!

Let's see if some advice from an old timer will help! If you and your son have enough privacy in your parents house stay as long as you can. My parent's offered to have me and my 2 kids move in with them which I chose not to do. Now my kids are 13 and 14, when I tell you it has been a TOUGH road that is no exageration! Not only financially but just holding it all together - It is HARD being a single mom on your own. If you can afford to have your own place and still do the things you like to do - get a place as close to your support system as you can - my parents even offered to build onto their home to provide an "apartment" for us - that is a good alternative!

Good luck with what ever you decide - you can do it!