Heartbroken, Please Help!

Sounds like the "Januaries" to me. I would always feel a bit let down after the holidays in January. I would see if you can get him involved in some activity or hobby right now to see if that helps. Find something that really motivates him and try to cultivate that interest. Ask him if he feels like he needs professional help for this.

Any child that is feeling depressed needs to be evaulated by a professional. I would start with his pediatrician or family doctor. It could be a hormonal imbalance as his body is going through a lot of changes as he approaches the teen years.

I know you are seeking a reason behind what he said -- wondering if it is about school, or being the only boy with sisters around, or lacking sunshine, or reacting to some event. And yes, he could just be having the blues. But the fact he came to you and discussed it tells you, first, that he is smart enough to be aware of and not afraid to talk about his emotions; second, that HE knows something is wrong beyond just being down; and third, that it's time to go beyond ideas like more sunshine or more playdates with boys his age. Depression is about brain chemistry, and if it turns out he is clinically depressed, you can't depend on the home cures of more sleep and more sun to help him more than temporarily.

Please get him evaluated for childhood depression. Get a referral to a pediatric psychiatrist -- this evaluation is not a job for his regular pediatrician to do, though his pediatrician might have to do an initial exam in order to refer him, but please also get him referred to someone who works with kids this age on psychiatric issues. Your son may not be diagnosed as depressed, but you need first to rule that in or out. Do not wait, or think this is "the Januaries" and dismiss it as winter blues. Even if it is -- you need to treat it seriously until you know differently.

Take care not to get him worried and worked up; approach it quietly as, "Hey, I really appreciate your coming and telling me that. I can't read minds, so it is a huge help to me when you tell me how you feel, and I don't want you to go on feeling that way. So let's work on this together." Then get him to a doctor for evaluation, and encourage him strongly to be open, and make clear that it's OK and safe to talk with this person.

I know that the idea of "now that Christmas is over there's nothing to look forward to" does seem to indicate mere blahs, but since he says that he's felt this way for months as you put it -- I would get him evaluated, but be sure he doesn't see this as, "Oh, no, I told mom I felt down and now she's overreacting and going nuts taking me to doctors and I hate that...."

You might need to go in and see someone like his school counselor (if your school has a good one) or his pediatrician, withoiut your son there, to go over what your son said and get their read on winter blahs versus any indication of depression.

Doctors have begun to realize in recent years that children can be clinically depressed -- for years, it just wasn't accepted that kids could suffer actual depression. But they can. If he isn't depressed, that's great, but I'd get it ruled in or out.

Meanwhile, it's great that he says he likes the new school. Be sure he gets to spend time outsides school with friends and find him an activity -- doesn't have to be a sport -- that he can do now, outside baseball season.

My friend's kid's life has basically been saved by the kid's being properly diagnosed with a mental illness at around age eight or nine, and by a lot of therapy and medication. This was not an issue of some negative event or trouble at school or anything else that anyone could control -- this was about brain chemistry. Kids can have mental illnesses that we would associate with adults, like depression, anxiety and anger issues. If this kid had been left undiagnosed I can't imagine what he'd be like now, or if he'd still even be around -- he is very hard on himself at the best of times. While your son may not have anything like those issues, I just offer that as an example that children can benefit from therapy and meds if it's called for. Right now you have no idea if it's called for or if this is just the time of year and hormones, and let's hope it's the latter things, but it's worth having your son talk to someone.

We took our oldest son to counseling. We ended up doing family counseling. Our son wasn't depressed, but he was hanging with the wrong crowd and making poor decisions. We had moved so there were a lot of changes in our lives.

If you are really in Southern California, I can't imagine there being a problem with winter and lack of sunshine.

Take him to your pediatrician and get him checked out. If he says he's feeling depressed, he knows what he is feeling so find a therapist who can get to the root of the problem.

I don't mean to minimize what he might be feeling in anyway. I think you have to take him seriously and possibily talk to the pediatrician about this.

It really could be the winter blues. It is completely normal for kids to feel that "even Christmas felt like a let down 2 hours after it was done." There is just so much excitement leading up to Christmas and then ... it'd done! That is a big emotional crash for a child. Adults are used to it, and adults experience Christmas differently than children.

February tends to be the hardest month for me. I think it's that at that point I am just done with the cold weather and snow. I am ready to get outside and do things again. There aren't any holidays or family events going on. By March we have Spring Break and Easter and baseball practice starts and I'm beginning to schedule summer. But I know this about myself and I actively seek things to do to shake myself out of my funk. That's not really something I would expect an 11 year old to be able to do.

I would talk to your ped, really listen to him, reassure him that his feelings are normal, look for ways to distract him and keep an eye out for anything more severe.

Good for you for taking him seriously!

It could be hormones Nd the on-set of puberty. However, the fact that he is coming to you and communicating his feelings- that's a good sign. It also is a signal that something else is going on, and perhaps he can't zone into exactly what it is. I suggest having him talk to a child psychologist. It's umportant that you react in a positive and show him that you appreciate him communicating to you. Perhaps having an outside person to talk with will help him open up to what is happening.

Like I said, sometimes children that start puberty at this age can become more sensitive, emotional, and show signs of depression or the opposite. Being proactive and positive will go more then fear and worry. He came to you with this( a good thing) now follow up with the right person.

Good luck!

Maybe talk to his school psychologist and counselor (I guess you work with them too?)... They might be able to help as well.

Good luck! And by the way, the fact that he's coming to you and feels comfortable sharing this stuff with you speaks to what a great mom you are. He'll be great!

As hard and sad as it was for you to hear this, think about how wonderful it is that he is so self aware and articulate! Many kids his age wouldn't even be able to do what he did, many would simply withdraw, or even worse, act out or participate in self destructive behavior.
Since he is clearly such a thoughtful and mature boy I would ask him if he would like to talk to someone, a counselor or therapist. My daughter was in therapy for anxiety and it was so wonderfully helpful for her, I don't know what we would have done without it.
Finally, just know that depression in kids this age is not that uncommon, but with support he can get and feel better. Hang in there & good luck!

In your situation, I would have him evaluated. Remember that depression doesn't have to be linked to circumstances. It doesn't have to be because something is going wrong in his life. It can be a chemical imbalance, pure and simple - a physical problem that happens to take place in the brain. If he is talking about it, then he is asking for help.

I think 9 hours is enough sleep.

I think the school counselor is a good place to start, as suggested below.

I think you should be thrilled that your child came to you to tell you! Tell him how proud you are of him.

I wouldn't spend too much time right now looking for a "cause" - yes, those things you list can be factors (school change, winter blues/sunshine, etc.). But there are also chemical imbalances that you cannot see! Clinical depression can have a hereditary factor and it can be connected to hormones too. I'd talk to the pediatrician and maybe ask for a referral to a counselor who specializes in teens and tweens. He's willing to talk, which is great - so I'd let someone with some experience and objectivity help you. You should talk to the counselor first and find out what you should say to prep your child for an office visit.

I wouldn't start treating your child with things like melatonin! Too many of those products aren't well formulated, and they don't even always contain what the label says! You can spend months playing around with various "natural" products thinking they are safe, but meantime you are wasting time not getting a handle on the root cause.

I work in food science and I know what supplements can help and which cannot, but even I wouldn't just do that when someone says they are depressed and have nothing to look forward to. That's a red flag.

Your pediatrician might want to do a check-up and check some blood levels, but he/she can refer you to a counselor who takes your insurance. Please do it, at least for a couple of sessions. For kids this age, waiting a few months for things to "get better" can be impossible.

He is getting nowhere near enough sleep. Recommendations for his age are 10-11 hours/night. That will absolutely affect his mood and everything else in his life. Getting more exercise (and yes that is hard this time of year although you are in California) will definitely help him sleep better.

Child psychologist! When kids experience depression, anxiety, etc., the earlier it is treated, the better their chances of getting better. My sister exhibited symptoms of depression and OCD from an early age but my parents chose to ignore it. Now she is completely disabled by her OCD and is on social security because she cannot get herself out the door. My sister was very intelligent, articulate and outgoing. I wish my parents had done something instead of just chalking it up to regular stress. Not saying that this is in any way where your son is headed but better to address it now than later.

Hi RM,

I agree with Rae that it may be hormones. Also, I ask is he on any medications? Even over the counter meds can affect the smallest thing especially at this time of life. Whatever it is, it's real to him.

My suggestion is get him into activities, even if they wear you out. Busy is always good, especially if it healthy for the body or healthy for the soul!

God bless,
M.

Like others here have already said - depression is often physiological - it's the brain chemistry. He is a very articulate young man - how terrific that he's able to put his feeling into words. Get him to a child psychiatrist. And if you don't feel comfortable with the first one you meet find another one. And keep at it until you find one that is right. How do you know? You just do. You have a God-given sense of discernment about your children.

In middle school my daughter asked me to take her to see a counselor and I thought it was a temporary thing that she'd get over and I didn't take her until 9th grade (some much-loved people in the family were sick, I was spending a lot of time as a caregiver and working nearly full-time). I should have heard what she was saying and taken her. She's now in college and doing really well - but she went through about 4 years of misery that were completely unneccessary. She really suffered - she had an eating disorder, she was cutting, she tried taking her life a couple of times (counselors called them "benign attempts" - but crying out nontheless.) We went to one psychiatrist (medical doctor specializing in psychology who can prescribe medicine) who was not good - she just wanted to shove medicine at her, never asked me or my husband anything about her or her childhood, etc., and another who was even worse and we finally found one who was awesome. He got her the right fit with antidepressants and has treated her ever since. It's been more than 4 years. His office was actually kind of shabby in comparison to the others' office which were very nice. But he spent a lot of time with our daughter, alot of time with us as parents, had us each complete long questionnaires asking about everything to do with our child. We felt confident when we walked out of there that this guy knew what he was doing. Things have only gotten better since that day.

bottom line - hear what your son is saying to you - if he's willing to articulate this, he's probably feeling it even more strongly. In the teen years hormones are at their peak. This could be a temporary thing that might just require medication to jump-start his brain chemistry - or it could be something he will take foever. Either way - who cares? My daughter is a whole new person. She's 9 hours away in a great college, she's doing amazingly well - and she will probabaly always have to take antidepressants. But like a diabetic needs insulin - why would I not want her to take the medicine she needs?

Good luck mama. Lfe is an interesting journey and jsut when we think we've got this thing - and we know what we're doing something out of the ordinary comes up. And we figure it out.

You go mama.

How awesome that he came and talked to you about how he was feeling. It sounds like you already know many causes: lack of sleep, lack of sun, major changes recently in his life, not enough exercise or outside activities. I don't really think you need any more insight into why he's depressed, just a plan to try to help your son with the issues you've mentioned to see if that helps him.

I have had trouble with sleep, it stinks. I would try no screen time for 3 hours prior to bed, no sugar or caffeine at dinner, no food in the hour prior to bedtime, and exercise in the evening.

I would also try to make sure he's eating good, wholesome food in a well-rounded diet (sounds obvious, but it can be pretty difficult with some kids).

Also, is there another activity he can sign up for in the interim while waiting for baseball? Indoor swimming, maybe?

ETA:

I forgot to say, if you haven't already, I would tell him that it's completely normal to go through periods of depression, and that it happens for everyone.

If you try to implement some changes, I would make them for the whole family (it's healthier anyway) and let him know privately that these things will help him with how he's feeling.

So he sleeps like 10pm - 6am? or 7am? That's not all that abnormal for kids his age. Most of them are reaching puberty and as we age we just don't need as much sleep as we used to.

If he's not tired he's probably one of those kids who aren't going to need as many hours as others. Sometimes my 11 year old is wide awake at midnight and awake again at 7am. Other times she passes out at 7pm and sleeps til noon the next day, although that's not very common. I think she's fighting off some illness when she sleeps like that though.

I think you need to have him evaluated by a psychiatrist so he can try a mild antidepressant. Sometimes they just need a little help to make it through a tough time then they don't need them anymore.

If he's lacking sunshine he could spend more time outside with the family. You could find some activities perhaps where everyone can participate outside. Even if it's skiing in snow.

The cause could be puberty hormones. When those rear up, it can really throw kids for a loop! Does he have any other hobbies besides baseball? Maybe perhaps get him into swimming or another activity that be done indoors? See your local YMCA. THey have great programs for kids his age.

Please get him help! Take his depression seriously. Some people need medication

Clinical depression is not something you can explain. Start him on fish oil right away - this has been shown to help elevate and regulate mood - and consider therapy, even just short term.