Have You Experienced This????

It sounds like an ego then....some men need to be "HE MAN PROVIDER"....

Tell him you appreciate him taking such good care of you guys and that no matter what - you'll get through things together...

In my experience men take on the financial worry at a deeper level than the woman. He prob. is so worried about not providing that he is not thinking rationally about what really would happen. My DH is the same way.

Sounds to me like what you're frustrated with is not his opinion that his job is important. It sounds like you feel that he is implying that you couldn't do what he does, like he's glossing over the fact that you're a capable person with a valuable degree. And maybe that's a little belittling to you. I would certainly be frustrated if I felt that way. I would be willing to bet that he doesn't mean it that way; it's just an expression of pressure that he's feeling. I might even say something about how, when he says things like that, it sometimes sounds like he means that you are not capable. I would bet that he'll reassure you that that's not what he means.

Well, no. Because if my husband lost his job we'd be screwed! He makes a great living, supporting our family of 5 with a little (just a little) extra to spare. But he's got two associate degrees; I've got squat! hahaha

When my husband gets into a mood where he worries about his job (which he really needn't), I tell him that it wouldn't matter if we lived in our house, a van or a cardboard box - I'll love him the same and will always be proud of him.

Even if it were true, I would never have the heart to tell him "well, you're not the most important person in the scheme of things...I could do fine without you". That's a little harsh. All people like to feel needed and important and of value. When you tell your husband you'd be fine without him, it's devaluing and you're making him feel irrelevant. In telling *you* that the family wouldn't have a house if it weren't for him, he's trying to give himself an ego boost. At least, that's what it sounds like to me.

It is a male ego thing ... and honestly, you have a man who understands and WANTS to carry the "burden" of caring for his family and providing financially why on earth would you want to discourage that. When he says things like that say, "yes honey, your job is very important to this family, you work so hard to do all you can for us and we appreciate it. I am happy you are able to work so hard allowing me to work part time and address the family's concerns, after the kids all grow up and we are both working full time we will be able to have an even stronger retirement and I can not wait to retire with you you have worked so hard for us all." or something to that effect where you remind him that he is the big strong man, you are the strong family focused woman and one day you will both be equals in the job market again but in a gentle tone.

This made me laugh out loud. My husband is convinced that we would live in a cardboard box if he was to ever to lose his job. I find this idea obsurdly funny. My situation is different because I work very little. However, if he did lose his job and I returned to work full time, we would be fine. I think there is something that kicks in with men when they have children. They have an overwhelming need to provide for the present and future, college, weddings, ect. I feel that it's not so much that he doesn't recognize that you could do it, just that he doesn't want you to have to. And if you did have to, that would seem like a failure to him. Some men feel like it's their job as a father. It's a pressure that they put on themselves. Try not to take it personally, I don't. I know it's a simply a fear, a crazy one, but real to him non the less. Good luck!

O.

Sometimes Men need to feel indispensible. It's a manly ego thing. They want to be the protectors and providers. In my marriage, I play along and it works out for us! "You're my hero sweetie!"

I can't help wondering why you don't just casually, in a non-confrontational way just reply to him - the next time he makes such a comment - "Well, luckily for us I have a masters degree and make decent money, so I guess I'd just have to work full time and you'd have to pick up some part time work. We'd get by no problem." I'm sure it would give him food for thought. In fact, if it's REALLY bugging you enough to write this post - why don't you just out of the blue, at the right time, say, "You know I was thinking how lucky we are. In this economy, with so many people losing their houses, we'd be just fine if you lost your job. I have a Masters and could just work full time if something ever happened to your job."

'well if something happened maybe i can go dig up that masters degree that i buried in the back yard in case of an emergency', .........do you think that would help make him realize he is not the only one that could support the family

Men take what they do to provide and if they can provide deep into their souls----it makes up and identifies who they are. I always told my husband no matter what----a tiny cottage or a mansion on a hilltop, I love him, no matter what! This takes a lot of pressure off a man because if he feels the woman he is married to is high maintaince person and God forbid something happens and he couldn't provide everything she needs to be comfortable than it makes them high anxiety and stressed. You did say you have a Masters and could do fine either way, that is good for you to know ----some men take offense to the woman throwing that around but you said you don't tell him but do remember our actions can say that w/o saying nothing verbally to him. One thing I wanted to say is another way to calm the waters is have a Plan B. I never did and what your husband says can be very true. One time my husbands salary got slashed, and I was in Management so I thought no big deal, I got it covered , but that was till I went to work one day and they did not get a renewal contract for the store so I was out of work all of a sudden. We did lose a home because of all that but I learned to have a Plan B. Now we have the security that comes with me having my own business and it took a lot of stress off my husband. I just do my business and I do not work outside the home. What happens if no tragedy hits? I plan to buy a nice RV with that and go traveling!!! I think if you had a Plan B he wouldn't be so freaked out. I deal in Green Products, you can email me if you would like to know more but either way, come up with something that lets him know that there is security there if something should happen. Anyone can lose their job at any moment, I know ---it happened to us but on the other hand there is no need to panic, just have a back up plan. Good luck to you!!

Could I survive financially without my husband? Yes, if I gave up our house and rented a place. Does he know this? Yes.

I find it so very sad that you don't see him as "the most important person in the scheme of things." While my husband may struggle to bring home enough bacon, as it were, he's hugely important in my life and in the lives of our sons. His contributions to our lives exceed financial considerations. Yes, your husband's comments are annoying but I guess it might also be annoying to live with someone who doesn't think your job is very important. I know your post says you tell him his job is important but, by your own admission, you don't really believe it. Please remember, all communication is 90% non-verbal and I'm sure he's picked up on your insincerity.

Happy Father's Day...

I think bottom line what your hubby is telling you is that he feels threatened by your salary and degree. He NEEDS to feel that he is the "sole provider" and is the ONLY one who can make your family's financial future work. I know you know its different--that you of course could make it and you want some credit from him--but he is NOT ready. He needs to have that reassurance that he is providing for his family. It makes him feel inadaquate if you say this or imply it. Let it go....let him think that he hung the moon....when you boost your man's self-esteem, he will be a much happier person to deal with! SO much of a man's self-image and self-worth is tied into his work. Let him own it. GL

M

Hmmmmm....odd. I think he would be a bit relieved to know he has an alternate plan in case of emergency.

Would you have benefits if you upped your hours? Would a FT position be "immediately" available?

Yikes I found a few of those answers a little strong, I thought the idea of this was to support each other not kick each other when we are down.....just saying.. Maybe u could put it in context for us, does he say it as a threat, concern, could it happen? Are u upset because he doesn't appreciate your contribution? Personally I find my husband is very competative, he has to feel he earns the most, works the hardest, has the most stress, gets up earlier etc etc it used to bother me but I let it go. I know I work hard and earn my share and so does he. I love my hubby very much and our life together. But I do like the security of knowing I could manage just fine on my own. I wouldn't want to but I've seen so many women trapped in terrible relationships because they never felt they could manage on their own, I never wanted to be that person. I want to be with my husband because I love him not because I feel I have no other choice.
I hope your husband appreciates your job too;)

Even if I felt that way, and I probably would, I would never tell my husband that I could do just fine without him. I suggest that he feels unimportant and unneeded when you tell him that. The idea in any relationship is to build each other up. Both of you are important to this marriage. Good that you could make it on you own but why would you want to?

If your relationship is less than secure, you're adding to his sense of insecurity which will make your relationship even less satisfactory. And if you're feeling this way because you're feeling insecure you're adding stress to the relationship. I told my husband I could always move back to my own house when our relationship was not going well. It made both of us feel insecure and made the relationship falter even more. Once I understood the dynamics and quit saying that we were better able to work on making the relationship better for both of us.

From your post, it sounds like he's feeling insecure in his ability to maintain your life style and you're trying to reassure him and it's backfired. So stop telling him that you can work and earn as much. Instead change the wording and tell him that the two of you will be able to work it out. Keep conversations about the two of you being together and each others support. Praise him and his work abilities. Build him up so that he can build you up.

Ha!

Even if I worked full time I'd make in a month less than what my husband makes in a week.

But if he lost his job we wouldn't lose our house. We'd just need to lease it out for awhile.

I don't understand the complaint that your husband wants to provide for his family. He is the one that works full time do I see that as pretty darn important! Would you prefer that you take on full time teaching and he take a part time gig?