Have to Decide to Terminate- Please Help

S.,

I really hope that someone who has been through something similar responds to your post. I have two healthy children and have had two early miscarriages, so I have never been in your position. I must say though that I hope you will give yourself a little bit of time before you make a decision.

Anyone who thinks you are not yet attached to this baby and are setting yourself up for more heartache if you continue, only to lose it, has never suffered a loss like this. Your son is already 22 weeks old, and you are very much bonded with him. Whether you lose him now or later, your loss is and will always be profound. My sister had a full term stillborn baby girl a couple years ago. To this day no one knows why she died. The grief my sister, her family, and my family feel is never ending. I came to know a lot of mothers of stillborns on a message board, and they have all expressed so many different emotions in their grieving process. But if any of them were given a chance to bring their baby into the world, and let them breathe outside the womb for even one minute, they would take it.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I highly recommend that you post the same message on a late/full term loss message board on babycenter.com. Their message boards are pretty active. They have a lot of moms who have been through what you are going through and can give you advice with 20/20 hindsight vision. Even if your son doesn't survive, you might want to hold him, name him, and even take pictures.

I know that this pregnancy poses a danger to you, and your son needs you at home. Your husband just wants you to be happy and healthy. If he thinks that terminating the pregnancy will allow you to avoid more heartache down the road and move on with your life, he is mistaken. Unfortunately, men don't understand the bond mothers feel with their babies before they are born. They just don't want to see us upset. But please allow yourself to grieve and to feel whatever you need to feel. I know your baby is still alive, but you have lost the promise of a healthy pregnancy. And there is a very real possibility that if your son survives, he could have mental and physical impairments.

One more note: My sister has a good friend who was told when she was pregnant that her baby girl had almost no chance of survival. Her vital organs were not developing properly, and her heart was outside her rib cage. She went to several doctors, and they all told her to terminate. She finally found a doctor willing to perform surgery on the baby while she was still in the womb. Her daughter went full term and is now healthy, beautiful, precocious, and thriving. She is probably 4 years old by now, and developmentally, she is right where she should be. She had to have several surgeries, and lengthy hospital stays during that first year, but she is nothing short of a miracle.

Sorry this post is so long. Good luck to you, and please be gentle with yourself.

Lucy

I would consider getting an opinion of someone from an outside practice before making any decisions. Definitely a different hospital. The answer will probably be the same but it will be helpful to you to have the reassurance that you are making the right decision either way. Good luck.

If you decide against termination I think you will be prolonging your pain. It has to be so hard to go through this. Please think of your other child and save yourself. You cannot make this baby well . Please don't feel guilty because God is showing you what you need to do. Love and prayers to you and your family.

Please take the time that you need to make this decision. I wish you peace and comfort!

A friend of a friend had a similar situation two years ago, although I don't know the details about what caused the pregnancy to become so risky. She had to educate herself about what to expect at the time of delivery, if she were to be able to carry to term... the baby's brain wasn't developing. She brought her baby to term and delivered her, breathing, and rocked her for three hours until she passed away in the arms of her family (husband, daughter). Her other daughter was three years old at the time. I think that she reached a very peaceful point in her grieving process by the time that she delivered her daughter, and she talks of the experience as a lesson in basic human rights.

Because this friend's life was at risk, her decision was more complicated than it would have been otherwise. She is in the minority to choose life for her daughter despite that risk. I can't say with certainty that I would have that clarity, peace and strength.

The decision is so very personal, but I wanted to provide you one story of hope and compassion... and peace. Whatever you decide, it's YOUR decision, and I trust that you eventually will find peace whichever way you go.

Sometimes the greatest gift of love is to let them go. Obviously I can't give medical advice, but if you feel comfortable in the advice you've been given, you need to think of your son and your own health. You will be taking the agony of this choice onto your own heart, but know that you are doing it in love for both of your babies. We don't like to think of it, but pregnancy can still be dangerous (one of my co-workers went to a funeral for a woman who died due to pregnancy complications just a couple of weeks ago.)

I wish you peace and comfort. I'm so sorry this is happening to your family.

i feel for you i had a friend who i helped thought this she was 19 weeks when she had all of this going on she put her self on bedrest she had 2 kids at the time 2 and 6 both girls and she made it to 30 weeks and then she delivered and they had said at 23 they did not think that the baby was deloping at all but after she was born they found out that everything was ok i would try to hold out until 30 weeks and deliver then and see at 30 weeks the baby can make it this is just my thoughts i hope its helps and good luck and i will pray every day for you and your baby and family may god be with you

C.

S., I don't really have any advice for you. but wanted to tell you that I am praying for you. Whatever you decide. I am praying.
god bless
S.

Trust your own heart and have faith in God. When and if things start heading downward and your health is at a risk, i would opt for the early delivery and hope for the best. good luck with whatever you decide.

I am SO SORRY you are going through this. I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling.

I have not been in this situation, but a former co-worker found out that her baby had a heart defect around 20 weeks. She was in a similar position...the likeyhood of survival was very low. She decided to continue with the pregnancy and around 34 weeks the baby was delivered by emergency c-section. The baby was only alive for a few minutes (the mom was "put under" due to the emergency c-section so she didn't get to "meet" her baby.) This was her 1st pregnancy and and I know it was the hardest thing she has ever gone through.

I can't imagine continuing and setting our family up for the possibility of more disappointment after seeing what she went through. I know I would have a very hard time dealing with your situation no matter what we decided, but even more if I was holding out any hope that things would be okay and that didn't happen. I'm not in the situation so it's easier for me to look at it from a "realistic" position than from an emotional one.

One thing my husband always said when I was pregnant was, "If something were to go wrong - I would rather it be now than later. We don't have a "real" connection yet. I can't imagine being further along and having something happen or having the baby be born and not make it."
As cold as it seemed to be at the time, I do agree with his view now.

You do also need to take your son and husband into consideration, especially given that a "normal life" isn't likely.

Again I'm so sorry that you have to make this awful decision. I'm sure it will be one of the most difficult things you will ever do. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

S.-
I can not begin to imagine what you are going through right now and how painful and difficult this must be for you. I just wanted to send you "hugs" and to let you know that I am thinking about you and your family. Whatever decision you come to will be right for you. Please take care of yourself.
~Meghan

S.-
I just wanted to send you some hugs. I can't imagine what you are going through. You and your family are in our prayers. If you ever need an ear on the outside to listen please email me. ____@____.com ((HUGS))
A.

I kno this is a dificult time for you but my thought would be think about your lil boy and how his life would be with out a mother, you should think about your health with this. you can always get pregnant again you cant die and come back and if you did how would your life be you may not come back the same. im i'am a pentacostal and we dont believe in abortion but i know god would understand like your pastor said. you will come first in this case. Maybe you should go about terminating in a different way like rose mary tea..i know its hard to think about what they are going to be doing to your baby, but if you think that you will be ok and that god will protect youand your baby will be a great mirecal to you that go with it you never know what god has instore for you!! hope i could help.