HI All,
Just seeking some advice, which seems like a common subject... in-laws!! My husband and I have been together for about 18 years and married for 5. We have a 2 and a half year old son and a 4 year old daughter who are both delightful, well-mannered kids. My family is spread out and far away. My husband's family is about 2-3 hours away. His mom is retired and neither of his sisters have children. Our kids are the only children on his side of the family.
My issue is that his family is totally clueless and uninvolved with our kids, yet seem to want to still do the obligatory holiday visits as though they are such a close family. For birthdays and holidays they buy clothes that are way too big or too small and toys that are not age appropriate. They have never changed a diaper or offered to baby sit and didn't pay much attention to the kids until the kids were old enough to talk. They say things like... "the kids are more fun now that they can interact."
There are so many more examples of things that drive me crazy, but I don't want this to be a novel... the problem that this has caused is that it's the only thing my husband and I fight about. After many attempts to be understanding and try to involve his family more, I am at the point that I could care less if they come to see us and I don't like to make a lot of effort to go to see them. Visits usually consist of us driving for an hour to meet them for lunch at some overpriced, not kid friendly restaurant, or driving 3 hours (one way) to spend a couple of days at his sister's house where there is not an appropriate place for us and the kids to sleep, and them having no concept about the schedules of kids this age.
I've tried having no expectation from them, but then still get frustrated when they show up an hour late for the kid's birthday parties. His mom has made it a "tradition" to come to our house each Halloween and hold hands like the doting grandmother while we trick or treat. Otherwise we don't see her, except for the holidays and birthdays previously mentioned. It seems like she would want to spend more time with her only grandchildren considering that she lives alone and seems to have a lot of free time.
They drive me absolutely crazy and I feel like I have tried everything. I don't like the anxiety and crankiness that comes over me at the prospect of having to visit with them and that it causes tension between my husband and me. Any advice?
So - you know my mother-in-law!
What goes around comes around. Now that my children are young adults (23 & 25) they have no interest in that side of the family. Too bad- they are wonderful young ladies and their grama is missing out.
Ohhh, the In-laws. First of all, I think if you have the small children, then all adults should come to you. Especially if there is a place for them to stay. I think sometimes it is hard to let go of our own childhood anxieties with our own mothers and fathers, so we compensate as adults.
Maybe you and your husband can come to an agreement on what is most important for your family's happiness, then what will work with extended family that fits in with the first priority. We as adult children are allowed to put our foot down with our parents...although that is really hard at first.
I tend to bend for my family too, and my husband says I should stop...so I pass that advice on to you.
Do your thing, and if they join you: great! If not, your kids will never know what you hoped your family would be, they will only know what your family is. And it sounds like you are a giving person, that's all they need. Good luck. Take care.
i realize this is so frustrating.....just set the boundaries for what works for u and your kids..
(ie; stick 2 ur kids schedules,dont stay at a place that cant accomodate ur kids needs) and let go of the rest!! just let her be the lame gramma if she wants,if its just a couple times a years.. so what? ...but remember to have boundaries!!
I can completely relate. My husband and I have the only 2 grandchildren on his side of the family. She was/is a doting mom, and I anticipated the worst of conflicts between her and my mom with grandchildren. Never happened. With the first grandson, she was somewhat involved and doted on him at those opportunities. He absolutely adored her; even made me a bit jealous of it. When second grandson came two years later, she completely backed off. The oldest had a hard time with it. Now that the boys are 9 & 7, she sees them maybe 8-10 times/year, at holidays, birthdays, and the occassional babysitting at our request--and she only lives 45 min. away!
I have come to the conclusion that it is for the best. She has obvious favorites--I would hate for the 'other' one to realize it. Also, I think she doesn't want to admit to herself that she struggles handling 2 active boys (she raised 2 of her own)--that may be the case with your m-i-l. Holding their hands on Halloween may be all she can handle. We've even suggested that she spend time with them one at a time, to no avail--might work for you.
My solutions: I try not to count on her anymore, I bite my tongue when she says how much she misses them, I still invite her over frequently (hopefully you do), and I let the boys do the talking when they see her. She has really missed out on the time the boys want to spend with her. Most of all, I appreciate my parents so much more for how wonderful they are with my 2 boys that she fits in along with her 7 other grandchildren.
Another possibility, which I think can contribute. Were your husband's grandparents involved in his life? Maybe she just didn't have those role models and/or doesn't want to tred on your toes?
Expectations are very different, and they are based on experiences. The fact that your husband isn't bothered by it (mine is), is telling. He may have never had that involvement from grandparents, so why should he expect it? It's not worth fighting with him over it; he can't change her. All you can do is show the appreciation when she is there.
Well I understand what you are saying, but look at it this way it beats fighting with inlaws. sometimes people may not be aware of space. Tell your sister n law that your children need more space thank her for the offer and remember your kids come 1st. but now your kids are getting bigger ask them do they want to stay?
Mom in law count as a blessing that she wants to spend time. When you know its time for her to buy for the kids give her a list of sizes and age toys for them even telling her what they want a certain toy is fine . count this as a blessing. my mother in law never bought my son 1 item in his life and he is now 23. She could be a mom who does nothing.
the travel time take and play games with your children stop off and enjoy a park on the way, enjoy that time as family time. Be thankful for the small things that she wants to spend time. after enjoying your children by the time you get there you will have removed some of your own stress. Every ones shows love differently.
Think about the things you appreciate, like the efforts. Even if you would have them do things differently, they are doing SOMETHING. Your feelings are your responsibility, if there is a problem with the situation it is within your power to change the situation. As much as you ARE responsible for your own feelings, and changing them, you are NOT responsible for anyone else's. You, as a mother, have a duty to your children and your family. You can dictate the terms, you can say what you will and will not do, and you can decide what limits you put on your children's discomfort. Family is important. Open the lines of communication. You might get shocked reactions but your willingness to accommodate already shows you have some grace, I am sure you can rearrange visitation situations without offending anyone. If you can't, remember, you're doing what's right for you and yours. You can't please everyone, and when you try you often end up pleasing no one.
You can't force people to be involved in your children's lives. Not everyone loves children - even people who have had them and, yes, even people who are related to them. To save your sanity, you just need to get over this and back off. Perhaps the family will come around and try to forge closer relationships with your children when they are older.
In the meantime, just realize that on occasions you'll have to interrupt your schedule to meet with them. If you know they haven't made sleeping accommodations, then bring sleeping bags or get a hotel. Your kids will learn that grandma is always late and that you have to bring your sleeping bags to Aunt Sue's house. I don't mean to be harsh. It's wonderful you want them involved, but you're just driving yourself crazy. You simply cannot make people change.
In short, they're missing out. All you can do is adapt the best you can. Children can be flexible if you teach them to be. So, give yourself a break. Good luck!
Oh my gosh, can I just say I sympathize and I have no good advice! Sorry, what a total pain in the neck- be thankful your husband is a good guy even though he was their spawn!
Hi J.. Boy am I glad someone else has in-laws. I can sympathize with you. Mine are intrusive, overbearing and think they are the parents and should have a hand in raising our son. My only advice, nip it in the bud, explain to your husband how they make you feel and see if you can find a meeting of the minds. As for the driving, I too am 3 hours from my in-laws and they expect US to do all the driving yet we're the ones with a single income, a 6-mth old. I wish I could give you more advice - I do sympathize greatly with you.
T.
Well, although I know it's frustrating, look at it this way. If your in-laws don't really like kids (and not everybody does), it is better that they are not around your kids that much. My grandparents on my dad's side didn't really like kids, and we lived a half mile from them when I was growing up. It was awful, because out of some odd sense of duty they felt they had to see me all the time, but it was clear to me from a very young age that they didn't like me. That is not a good feeling to have as a child! I wish my parents had not forced me to have a relationship with my grandparents. I was always seeking approval from them but could just never get it. I have had no contact with my grandparents since high school, and have been much happier that way. (And I'm pretty sure they were happier too.)
In the meanwhile, refuse to go visit them if staying there is not comfortable. Ask them to come visit you. Then you make the reservations at the kid-friendly restaurants (or get a sitter and go to a grown-up restaurant if that works better for all involved). Whatever you do, don't try to force the relationship. Your kids have enough great adults in their lives, I'm sure, that they will not miss these two one way or the other.
