Hair Pulling Tantrums When I'm Cooking

If you must make dinner at that time (as I agree with the other post of can you do something about the timing), give her something to do or eat in the high chair near you. Maybe a little bit of cheerios to play with while talking to her, will help.

This is what baby gates are for. I just kept my kids out of the kitchen when it wasn't safe for a toddler.

I used to call 4-6 pm 'the Witching Hours' when I was a nanny and when I had my own toddler. Kids seem to have an eerie ability to know exactly when we need to be focused on other things besides them, don't they? :)

My son used to like to climb onto the kitchen table when I was busy at dinnertime. He didn't like his high chair, so I'd often pop him into a small stroller, give him a few toys on those plastic links to play with. He was contained, safe, and I could do what I needed to do.

Prepping as much as you can earlier in the day is helpful, if that's possible. Many vegetables can be prepared then, some meats can be marinated. I still will sometimes make dinner earlier in the day (started doing that in summer, esp with roasting chicken) and then reheat it before dinnertime.

You can also do some mealtime prep on the weekends, in that you can roast off a pan of chicken, some veggies, etc and just have them ready to use throughout the week.

Make sure you also aren't holding her back on eating. I know a lot of families who really strive for a 'family dinner'... I found our family was far happier if Kiddo ate something which he enjoyed and could manage independently while I was making dinner, and then my husband and I could eat later. Family mealtimes *are* important, yet, really-- your child isn't going to remember this at 2 years old. :) As they go into elementary school and older, then this is more of something you could focus on. If everyone is cranky and overhungry/exhausted by the time dinnertime rolls around, it's not worth it, in my opinion. My Kiddo is now 9 and we have been doing family dinnertime for years. We just didn't worry about it when he was 2, 3, or so, you know? ;)

We just kept ours occupied. I'm guessing you're on your own.

Have a special toy that comes out at that time. Put in a video.

Mine never really had meltdowns like that, although the whole house would seem stressed at that hour, rush in the door to cook dinner and get it on while kids were famished. So our kids either had a little snack - part of the meal coming up, or I always kept leftovers from night before, and would warm those up for their dinner if they were cranky. Let her eat if she's fussy.

For full on tantrums because she wants your attention - mine were only like that if they were overtired or hungry or as we used to say "just spent". Long, busy day - meltdown at dinner hour. Very common. My husband would take them up for a bath, they'd relax and decompress, and then eat, and early bedtime.

But in general, on normal evenings, I just let them help me in the kitchen off the side where I could see them - I had an old baby bath tub and I'd put a tiny bit of water in it, and they'd sit and play with measuring cups. Or pots and pans.

Our son wasn't allowed in the kitchen until he was about 3.
We had child gates on the doors.
If anyone was cooking - he could watch from outside the gate.
Get her out of the kitchen - I know this can be hard - some houses have open floor plans where it's not so easy to do - and let her tantrum outside of the kitchen - or put her in a playpen or in her room.
If she screams her head off - wear ear plugs.
Her hair will grow back.
When she learns that acting like this will not get your attention - she'll be over it.
Once she's about 4 and more reasonable - she can help in the kitchen - kneading dough, making sandwiches - kids can learn to do simple things at a very early age - but they have to be able to follow instructions.

PS - Take out and/or delivery are wonderful things!

Do you have one of those play yard fenced things? My cousins use it all the time for their toddler, and it can bend into different shapes to fit the room. They keep a bunch of toys in there that they don't allow out in the rest of the room, so it's really fun for their child to go in there and play with things he hasn't seen all day. You can put it in the kitchen if you want to so that she can see you but not get to you. You could also keep a bin of "cooking time toys" on a closet shelf so they are totally out of sight, and bring them out when you need a real diversion. These are toys she doesn't get to play with at any other time. Rotating toys is a good thing anyway - bring them out after 3 weeks and the kid thinks she's hit the jackpot!

Another option is her own play kitchen where she can mimic you. But you'll still have to talk to her while you're cooking, which means you need to be able to focus on 2 things at once.

And dinner time is just a terrible time for toddlers and 3-4 year olds. They are tired, they are hungry, and they don't always want to be entertained by Sesame Street or a video. And it's the time of day when a stay-at-home parent is pretty much out of patience too.

Otherwise, you just have to cook at other times, expand your repertoire of crockpot recipes, or get more take-out!

I am trying to figure out what on earth you are making that uses an oven and takes so long to make that your toddler gets bored and has a tantrum.

On the discipline side take the time it takes to redirect, it is worth it in the long run to create good behavior. On the food prep side for crying out loud simple dishes!! If it requires prep do it while she is napping and put it in the fridge until you need to assemble.

I would sit my daughter in her high chair and give her something interesting to do...mix food (she'd make a mess), peanut butter play doh, whipped cream art, finger painting while naked, a pretend knife (we had a wood one) chopping board and something to "cut". I had a water table I had just outside the kitchen door (a glass door I could keep open) and this would entertain her for a long time while I kept an eye on her. I would let her play at my feet with pots and pans and tupperware. I gave her a bottom kitchen drawer full of fun things and she was allowed to play with that stuff (Not near the stove of course). When she was old enough she would stand on this stool that had railings at the sink and I would give her things to "wash" along with some soapy water in one side of the sink. I always had to just take off her clothes bc she would make a mess, but she was very happy doing that. We had tile floors then and another thing I would do is sit her down on the floor with a huge roll of paper (think 5 feet long) and some washable finger paints. Sometimes if nothing worked she just had to get upset...we can't constantly pay attention to them and they have to learn that. If your daughter wants to run and touch the oven that is not good! I would strap her in a high chair, or keep her out with a baby gate, or whatever works to keep her away from the stove. I was lucky in that our daughter never tried that.

that tends to be a stressful time of day, and toddlers are sensitive to the stress, and to mommy's focus being elsewhere.
there's a fine balance between making sure she feels part of what you're doing, and not feeding into the tantrum, and you need to find just where it is with your individual kid. for some that means involving them in the process, putting her in a high chair nearby or on the floor on the other side of the kitchen and giving her stackables or a pot and wooden spoon to bang or a bowl of grapes, and understand that you're going to have some noise and mess to cope with. but if you're talking to her and keeping her involved in what you're doing it might just do the trick.
if she's determined to touch things she's not supposed to you'll have to corral her in a playpen or chair, and deal with the roaring. ignore it. the hair thing is distressing, but ignore it too. if she persists in injuring herself you may have a bigger problem than ordinary toddler dinnertime tantrums.
but your best aid is your partner, assuming you've got one. this is the time for someone to take your baby out for a walk, or read her a story, or otherwise keep her physically out of your hair.
this too shall pass.
khairete
S.

K.,

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Where is your husband or her daddy when you are cooking dinner?

As much as it pains you to do so, ignore her antics. As long as she gets what she wants? She will continue to do it.

Have you considered having her "HELP" you? Most toddlers LOVE to help mommy. Why not give her a simple chore she can do to "help" you with dinner.

You have the option to distract her as well. If you aren't married or your husband is not home when you are making dinner, you can put her favorite show on. I know TV is NOT a baby sitter - but it's an option.

Why not have her "Read" to you while you are cooking? Anything she can do to HELP you and be engaged with you is a good thing - reading, helping stir, mix, etc.

When our son was little, I had "his" kitchen in our kitchen.

They were drawers and cabinets into which I would place cheap cooking utensils (dollar store quality) and he would "cook" with me. I would narrate what I was doing and just talk him through what to use and what to pick up. I wouldn't give him actual cooking ingredients as a toddler, but might use blocks as pretend food.

He actually got to be pretty comfortable in the kitchen, and when his school had after school cooking classes, he was one of the best students.

I think when they are little, they are totally focused on imitating us. Enjoy..if you can. It isn't long before they so totally don't want to be anything like us!

It sounds like you need to look at the overall structure of your day. How late is she staying up? Is she overtired or overly hungry? What time do you make dinner? Can you make dinner while she is napping? Is her father around - can he watch her while you make dinner?

The system of you needing to turn your attention away from her to make dinner at that exact time, apparently is not working. Try re-scheduling some of the pieces.

One way to deal with tantrums is to ignore them, technically this is called extinction. However, first you need to somehow prevent her access to the oven or anything else that presents an immediate, serious threat. Perhaps a baby gate or a playpen? Once the worst thing she can do to herself is yank her own hair, then tell her you need some Mommy time to cook, and you can give her some time when you're done. Then just ignore her, no matter how bad the tantrum gets.
If you try this, though, you have to commit yourself from the start, because the behavior generally escalates before it goes away, and if you give in when the behavior gets worse, then that encourages her to escalate her tantrums. You should also reward her behavior when she doesn't throw a tantrum, making positive comments whenever she behaves herself while you're cooking, and telling her what reward she'll get when you're done. The "good thing" about hair-yanking is it's painful, so it's self-punishing. If you can outwait her, she will stop this painful behavior on her own.
Whatever you do, you need to deal with the tantrums now, in the privacy of your home. Public tantrums are much more difficult to deal with. Our son used to bang his head against the ground, sometimes really hard, often in public places like parks. We used extinction successfully, but we got some mean looks for "neglecting" the poor child when he was in the escalation phase. He's doing fine now. He doesn't throw tantrums anymore, and he stopped banging his head before he did any serious damage to himself.

I have 4 boys. My husband is retired military who was deployed quiet a few times in his career.

What helped me is making sure that my boys were involved with me. My oldest helped with the younger ones. They each had something to do, whether it was putting plates on the table, getting cups down, stirring a pot, etc.

My youngest son loves to push his boundaries. We have had to pull the tough love on him and warn him of the dangers. He's touched a hot stove, he got burned. He hasn't touched it again. No matter how many times Tyler or I would tell him no, that's hot it will hurt you. He pushed. Finally, Tyler and I let him touch. He found out what HOT meant.

If you are alone, you need baby gates. If you can't do baby gates, get a high school student to come over after school and help you.

Why not get her involved? Let her sit on the floor and stir flour for you? Put a little less than a cup in the bowl and tell her you need her to stir it for you.

Put her in a high chair and give her toys.

There's many things you can do. When she starts pulling her hair out? Ignore her. You run to her? She gets what she wants. You have just taught her what she can do to get your attention.

A playpen, doorway gate, or one of those custom size/shape enclosures to keep her out of the kitchen and in a safe space. Or strapped into her high chair so she can't run around, occupied with toys, spoons, or food.

You didn't mention her father, but if he's around then he should spend that time with her playing, reading to her, running around outside when it's possible, etc. Alternately you can do that while he cooks dinner.

Different problem, but my niece used to twirl her hair so much that it would fall out. Her mom ended up cutting her hair very short in order to break the habit. She couldn't get her fingers around it to twirl it any more.

That's what you should do NOW before this becomes a habit. She's going to do something else to show her displeasure, but at least it won't destroy her hair folicles.

Try playing music when you cook, and sing to her. Disney songs fro some of their movies, like Beauty and the Beast, Mulan, etc. If you have a pack and play, you could put it in the kitchen with her in it, so that you can talk to her too.

She HAS to learn that she cannot get her way all the time, that you can't hold her all the time and that she can't prevent you from cooking. Containing her in a safe place and taking away the ability to hurt herself is the first thing you do, and then use something like the music to try to distract her will help her get through this stage of development.

Hey K.,
Your daughter is just really coming into the communication stage, and she probably understands a lot more than she can say. Give her a prewarning that you are about to start making dinner, and that while you are doing that she will be doing X (maybe you can give her some bowls and spoons so she can "cook" too). When you begin making dinner explain what you are going to be doing, tell her you will check in with her in between, and show her your progress. So for example: "I'm going to put the rice in the pan and mix it in now." After you have done that pick her up and show her: "look there is the rice I put in the pan." If she begins to cry while you are doing it calmly assure her that she is fine, that there is no need to cry, and that you will pick her up and show her as soon as you get the rice in the pan. This may sound like a lot of work, but you should only have to go through the process like this a few times. After you have made a few dinners, she will know that if she needs you, she will still be able to get your attention, that she will in fact be ok while you do a little cooking, and that even though you are cooking, you haven't forgotten about her.
During the younger stages, when the attachment between children and their primary attachment figure is really forming, these little messages will need to be relayed and repeated frequently. Patiently clarifying them in action and word will not only help strengthen your attachment relationship, but it will help her in her language acquisition, so she will begin talking sooner which will also help a lot!

Put up a gate so she can't get in the kitchen. Ignore her when she throws such a fit. If you are giving her any attention it is feeding the beast she becomes. When she gets zero attention for her temper tantrum she will stop them.

Find a friend or hubby to take care of her while you cook. Have them take her to another room. They can play with her and entertain her when she is playing and stuff. If she starts having a temper tantrum they need to pick up a book or get on their phone or anything to ignore her. If she isn't getting any attention for her temper tantrum she will get the message and stop.