I have a 14-month-old daughter and am 3 months pregnant with my second. The thing is, I didn't intend to get pregnant right away, especially since I knew my sister had been trying for some time, and has been unsuccessful. I have been keeping it a secret from my family because I feel so bad that I am pregnant and she is not. Any advice on how to deal with this issue?
Thanks for all the comments... Some people seemed right on the mark, but I felt that some of you ladies spoke with a lack of sensitivity.
I neglected to mention that it took me eight months to conceive my first daughter, and so I experienced the pain and anguish of infertility. I cried as friend after friend conceived, and kept on thinking, "what about me?" And I zoned out as every conversation with certain friends turned into talk about the baby. I didn't understand nor was I interested. And then one day, I was surprised to find that I too was pregnant. I wouldn't trade those eight months of trying for an easy first conception, though. That time enabled me to understand that it's not easy for everyone, and sometimes no matter how much we want something and try for it, we can't always get it. It has allowed me to be sensitive to others without children (and even those who may be experiencing secondary infertility), because you never know who is quietly struggling in a fertile world, pining away for children of their own. And I know the pain, the gut-wrenching, deep-throated cries of aching for a child.
This whole experience has made me tone down sharing my excitement over my pregnancy with friends and family. After I reveal my news, during subsequent conversations, I never volunteer any information unless asked, and then, keep it to a bare minimum. Someone who is trying to conceive may feel tiny stabs with every extra word uttered. We have only told our parents thus far, and I am able to hide it from my sister because she lives far away, and I'm not showing. We didn't just not tell HER, we didn't tell ANYONE, and I chose to do so in hopes that maybe this week or this month will be her time, and then we can share in our happiness together. I obviously can't and won't wait much longer because I'll probably show soon, but I can still hope.
Thanks again for all your thoughts.
Hello,
You will be showing before you know it. So she'll find out anyways. A baby is a happy thing no matter what. I know you feel bad about your sister but, she is your sister and she will be happy for you.
If you don't tell her, I think she'll be even more hurt.
That's my opinion.
Good Luck.
Hi there, I know exactly where you are coming from. My sister-n-law was trying for a long time to get pregnant, invitro and all. With no success.
When we found out we were pregnant I wanted to wait to tell her, but my husband was like, "this is my sister, I want to tell her" well, she cried on the phone when he told her. I felt so bad, but I also felt hurt because of her reaction.
Either way you can't win. Telling her or not. If you don't tell her she is going to think you were hiding it from her. I ended up losing that baby at 13 weeks, but I got pregnant again, but this time we waited 12 weeks before we said anything to anyone, but she knew we were trying so it was not a complete surprise, so she took it ok, at least in front of us. And her and her husband decided to not have kids. Now she is an Aunt and loves it.
But in your case (and it depends on the type of relationship you have with her) I suggest you just sit down with her and tell her, one on one. Honesty is the best policy. Tell her how concerned you were about telling her, and encourage her to keep trying and that it will work for her one day when it is meant to be. She may get upset, and that is only natural and expected, but if she really cares about you she will also be happy for you.
Well, I hope this helped you some.
Good luck and congratulations!
Don't let this bringyour spirits down, you have another little one on the way!
Worrying about your sister's feelings is very commendable, but I feel you shouldn't be afraid to tell your family the truth. This is your child and your pregnancy and you shouldn't feel guilty about the fact that you were able to get pregnant. I was in your sister's shoes and I had to get fertility treatments in order to get pregnant but I was really happy for my friends that were able to get pregnant even while I was not. She is your sister and if she truly loves you then she will be happy for you.
It is nice that you are concerned with how your sister feels. However keeping something as obvious as a pregnancy a secret is not only useless, it will backfire at some point. Obviously, you won't be able to keep your secret for long, and then everybody will wonder why you were being so quiet about something so important. If you say that it was because you felt bad about your sister, it will only make matters worse.
The fact is, that it's natural to get pregnant when the situation is right, and not getting pregnant when your trying is far more unusual, pregnancy happens, people happen. Look around!
There's no reason to assume that just because she hasn't been able to conceive, that she won't some time in the future. Lots of people try for years and eventually conceive. But whatever her problem is, it's certainly no fault of your own and she will have to learn to live with her grief. What she needs from you is sisterly support, not pity or guilt which are fruitless.
In the menatime, you are cheating yourself, your family and your developing baby of the joy that its life should bring. Babies can feel even in the womb, and what you are doing now will be perceived by your little one as rejection. This could stay hidden in the background for many years to come in his or her life, and this is the little person to whom you owe your strongest allegiance.
Please enjoy your pregnancy and just pray for your sister. :-)
