Guilt Tripping MIL

Stop rewarding her behavior.

Everytime you give in, you play martyr to her victim.

Next time she cries 'whoa is me', try saying you understand. It's a response, that's non committal and basically meaningless. Her feelings are validated, and you don't hve to play the victim.

If she directly makes a demand - drop everything to pay attention to me - jut say you have to run and will call back later. Then hang up.

I'm sorry to be tough - but you have a part in this.

The secret to this is just like Tantrums and Toddlers.. Never give her what she wants when she does not use her "regular voice" or when she pouts or throws a fit (crying).

It is easy to say, "I am sorry you seem upset, maybe you should rest until you feel better. "

"You seem very disappointed by that. When you are feeling better, call us back so we can talk.". .

"Wow, I can tell your feelings are hurt. Take soem time for yourself. "

"Boundaries" by Anne Katherine

Sounds like there is more you want to say and are hesitating. I do not understand how FIL getting laid off relates here or what she wants you to do. we would all love to help you, but am not sure at this point what you need.

I feel your pain, truly I do! My MIL is a doozy too! I agree with the other suggestions about not giving in. Just like with a toddler, don't react, stay calm and don't give her what she wants. If she wants to see the kids make plans to visit, but don't allow her to control you and your decision!

Hang in there, hopefully things will get better!

Why do people act like crying is the end of the world?
It's so not.
If she whips herself up into a frenzy and turns on the water works, just chalk it up as 'she's a high strung person - it's what she does' and then don't react to it.
Telling her to have a lie down or take a hot bath might be the perfect thing for you to do.
Yeah, she'll learn to push back, but be firm and tell her you can't understand her when she goes off the deep end/gets worked up/is behaving irrationally/etc, so you'll talk to her later when she calms down.
She can't manipulate you if you don't let her.

Cut her off...ignore her for a while...don't take calls, don't respond to emails or texts (if she does those)..of course your husband must be on board with you. I love my mom, but she really is someone who feels the need to be in CONTROL at any cost.

I don't do guilt....because I do the best I can and when she or another family member or friend goes for that "POOR ME, why are you acting this way" I just close down for a while.

Blessings...

It sounds like you have WAY too much communication going on with your parentals.
Grow up, and live your OWN life.

So she gets upset and wants others to soothe her. It sounds like she never learned the basics of solving her own problems and easing her own worries or dealing with painful issues. She doesn't know how to handle painful feelings and looks outside to other people to deal with her pain.

She's worried and stressed about her husband losing his job and one less income , gets overwhelmed by the feelings, calls you to bring the kids over to ease her feelings and get her happiness fix. If it's not at an inconvenient time talk her through it or make suggestions she can do like taking a walk. But understand that seeing the children does make her happy and in and of itself is not a bad thing.

When it's inconvenient and she's using you guys as a pacifier, blankie, or lovey when she should be relying on her husband and you just can't accommodate the time it takes to soothe her and deal with her, find something else to do.

"I'm so sorry MIL, you caught me in the middle of nearly burning the chicken and rice but I'll call you back as soon as I have a free moment."

"I know you're having a rough time. I always take a nice hot soak in the tub and then take a walk. I wish I could stay on the phone and help you out some more, but someone is at the door and I think it's my neighbor."

"I'm so sorry you're feeling so upset right now. The kids and I will be around tomorrow for a visit as we already planned with you but we're expecting company in the next half hour. I'll have James call you after supper. In the meantime, take a hot bath and read a book. Talk to FIL and let him know how you're feeling. Gotta go... I think our company is here early!"

Tell her that until she acts like an adult, your not falling for it. If she crys and acts out, so be it. But you are in control of what you and your family do and she nor anyone else has the power (*unless you give it to her) to make you feel manipulated etc. When she starts into it, interrupt her and say : No, excuse me ______ but I'm not falling for it. If you want to see the kids, they would love that AND we are going to find a time that works well for ALL of us.

unless you want your mil on your couch 24 hours a day, you had better set some boundaries.. NOW.first, change your phone number, then change your locks, then its time to get serious.you are being manipulated, and its long past time that she be someone elses problem.. not yours.been there. done that.
K. h.

My family does the guilt trip thing well too, but I'm confused about why it's so bad that she wants to have fun with the grandkids to get out of her funk. Isn't that part of the joy of kids? Is it that she expects you to do what she wants as far as activities? Is it that she expects way too much time with your family? I guess I would handle it by empathizing and then saying that you should both take a look at the calendar and see what date might work for a visit. When my mom is down I'd love to visit her and cheer her up. When MIL is upset I want her to call on us for support. Maybe if you take control of the plans, you can offer support and not play into the guilt trip. If you are in control it doesn't feel like you are being taken advantage of. I started calling my mom more often so I didn't get the "I never talk to anyone" line anymore. I used to get defensive, but then realized that she just wants a check in call every few days and it's not that challenging for me to do so.