Grumpy Mornings

H.:

I have five kids and two granddaughters. Three pieces of advice for you...1) You are the adults, she is the child. She needs to learn what the rules and boundaries are. 2) Be consistent. Once you set the rules and boundaries, stick to them. It won't always be easy, but eventually she will understand what is and what is not acceptable and what the consequences are. 3) Reward the good behavior. Let her know that when she wakes up "happy," she will be rewarded for that.

With the second one on the way, it's best to get this issue settled before #2 comes along!!!

Good Luck!!

D. K

I have an idea on how to teach her way to come out. I put a digital clock in the kids room and they know the number 7 so they can come out after 7. A friend told me this and she actually taped over the other number so they didn't get confused. L. S

H.,

EARLY RISER ISSUE: We have the same issue with our kids and we make them stay in their beds until 7am. If I let them get up when they want, it gets earlier and earlier until they are getting up at 5am.

Until they can tell time, there are a few ways to teach them when the "okay" time is to leave their rooms. At one house, we were lucky to have the school bus drive by at exactly 7am. Then when we moved we bought the kids clocks. We taught them to recognize 7:00. You could also put stickers over the numbers so they know where the hands are supposed to be. You could also buy an alarm clock. When the music comes on, she can come out.

GROUCHY ISSUE: I think you have got the tail wagging the dog here. If your daughter has a strong personality, she is going to be just about as demanding as you let her. She yells at you and demands things because it gets the response she wants. And she is testing you to see how much of an authority figure you are. It may not seem like it, but she WANTS you and your husband to be in charge of the family. It is scary for children to think they have control over the house and the parents - that the parents aren't in control - and it will lead to more behavioral issues.

If dad is the one available to get her, then she needs to accept that or she needs to stay in her room and scream until she is ready to accept that - even if it takes hours. If she yells at you, she needs to stay in that room until she is ready to treat you with some respect - even if it takes hours.

You really want to nip this one in the bud because the older and bigger and smarter they get, the worse this will be. Don't feel guilty about not giving your child everything she demands every second. She will be a lot happier with some rules about respect and some well set boundaries, even though her behavior is going to get worse before it gets better until she is certain you will stand your ground.

Good luck,
S.

2 years old is quite early to be independent (I'd say about 2-3 years too early). While 6am is early, it is a natural time for toddlers to wake up. Some children love playing alone, some are not so content. Your daughter is probably the kind of child who likes interaction every waking moment. Mommies are different than daddies, no matter how hard dads try.

Don't rush the independence... it will come soon enough. Toddlers and tots want their mommies, teenagers want their dads. Enjoy her while she is still needing you... it doesn't last forever.

Good Morning H.,

There is nothing "clinically" wrong with her and actually the psychological answer might surprise you. My daughter has done almost the exact same things you are describing about your daughter. Very grumpy after naps, and became an early riser, and wanted nothing to do with daddy in the mornings. She started doing this around two years old. We spoke with a prof. child psychologist friend. She explained that our daughter was in the "go away-don't leave" "I love you-I hate you" developmental stage. Our daughter loved us very much but was also experiencing her own stronger sense of self emerging, which came with the often confusing "I love and am fine with my independence but now I hate it and want you to be here all of the time and since you are not I am upset"--phase of toddler development. They just need to figure out how to emotionally organize feelings that you and I experience with "categories" internally, but they experience all at once with no "seeming end" to their feelings. (the long-winded answer)

Our daughter has never taken to transition easily - especially after sleep - and would often not know who or what she wanted. I found that sitting in her rocking chair quietly until she wanted to move towards me was very helpful. She would often roll around in her bed, yell at me, and cry. We spoke with our friend again about this and we were reassured that at this stage our daughter was finding out what level of her emotion/anger/happy/sad/frustrated etc. we were willing to handle and not "run away" from.

So during this time (at night) we gave her a sippy cup of water for the night, and told her that if she woke up she could read her books or play with her soft toys but when she felt sleepy again she could lay down and fall asleep or we could come in and check on her if she called. She fell in line easily (but would have many 'bout of regression) until she was old enough to get that we were not gone, she was ok, and she could fall back to sleep on her own.

As far as no daddy in the morning, we found it helpful to tell her at night that if she woke up in the morning before it was time to wake up that daddy would be coming in and that mommy would be asleep. Preparing her seemed to take the edge off of the transition in the morning from what she wanted (me) to what she got(daddy).

We also kind of realized that she would wake up earlier than her normal joyous wake up time of around 8am when she was either just going into a "growth spurt/time" or just coming out of one. It took the edge off of my wondering if I was going to be tortured with 6am wake up times till the end of time;-) and we were able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and wait it out.

Long-winded I know....take anything helpful and leave anything that's not.

Good Luck,
J.

Although 6 AM is not at all early, if you are wanting to sleep in, I would make sure she has something to do when she wakes up. The night before, discuss with her who will be up with her in the morning and tell her what activity you set out for her in her bedroom. Also...she may be going through a growing spurt and be very hungry after her nap. This will cause a great deal of crabby behavior. I would try greeting her with a snack after her nap.

I have no advice but just wanted to let you know that I have a 2 yr. old (born Jan. 2006 too) and we are dealing with all the same issues...just so you know you are not alone! :)

Hopefully this is just a phase she is going through and it will pass in time.

The No Daddy part, I would tell your husband to just get her anyway and try to make her happy. Otherwise you are never going to get a break! You've already trained her to expect you to come and get her, so it will take a little time for her to adjust to someone else being there when she wakes up.

Grumpy nap wake ups and early riser...she just needs more time to wake up before she gets herself together. Again, I would just try to snuggle and get her in a good mood. I'm not a morning person so I can relate to how she feels!

Your other option is to just let her cry it out. It's hard to listen to, but generally after about 3 days they clue in to the fact that their behaviour isn't working.

Hang in there!! And remember that all kids are different...your next one may only want Daddy in the morning!

When my boy was still small- 9 months or so, and in the crib, I put a bucket of books in his crib. He LOVES books, so when he woke up in the morning he just grabbed some books and entertained himself as he got into his morning. You could put toys or whatever your daughter is into in the bucket. How about a Cheerios snack?
Deb.

Hi H.,
My name is R.. I have 3 children that are all grown up and on their own now. But I know the problems that you are having seem to wear on you and you are really not sure what is the best thing to do. You just have to stick to your guns and show your daughter that daddy can get her out of bed in the morning or she can stay there untill she lets daddy do it. It is a battle of wills. Yours versus hers. At her age (2-5) is when children start testing their parents. She is testing you and learning that if she crys alot she will get what she wants. Of the 3 children I have had 2 always woke up grumpy from there naps they eventually grew out it unfortunately they stopped taking naps shortly after. I have found that if I shortened the amount of nap time they had that they were less like to wake up grumpy in the morning but they still woke up grumpy from their nap.
Our children spend 24-7 learning all about us as parents they know how far they can push to get what they want. We as parents have a routine that we rarely change , children know this. I have found if I just changed one thing even slightly they were unsure on how far they could push. Our pediatrician told me when I was having problems with our kids that it is only crying it is not hurting them it is helping build their lung muscles. It just depends on how much you can take.
So I would suggest let her cry. She either lets dad get her out of bed in the morning or she can come out when she is ready. But you should not give in to her just because she is crying.
I not sure on how best to handle the early rising.
And she is not really old enough yet to really be left alone to long in the morning by herself to play. You might have to wait a little while longer on that. Mine were close to 4 before they learned to stay in their rooms and play.
I H. this has helped in some way.

We have been dealing with the exact same thing with our 2 1/2 year old son for the last few months, although he is in a crib. It actually kept getting worse and he was waking up about 3 times a night. I finally went into the MD about it,amoung other things. She recommends letting him cry it out until the appropriate wake up time, since we've been going to check on him. She also helped us figure out how much sleep he should be getting. We did move his bedtime an hour later and after some tough nights/days, he HAS been sleeping better and later. Not sure about the nap. It almost seems like if I wake him earlier it's better. Like if he sleeps too long it makes him grumpier. I'm thinking he's just needing less sleep, but instead of an easy transition it's been really tough on him. If you want to chat more about it, let me know!

That sounds very similar to the struggles we've been having with our daughter who just turned 2 last week.

Dad is very much 50/50 in every part of her care, but one second it's "I want Mommy", then I go to help and it's "No, I want Daddy, walk away Mommy."

It's probably a phase where they're exerting their control and realizing they have choices. Sometimes we do have to get tough and the person she wants isn't available so she doesn't get to change her mind but I'm with you, it's frustrating.

My advice, stand your ground and work with your husband to determine how you're going to handle it together so you're consistent. Soon they'll (hopefully) figure out that's the deal. Good luck!

I have an idea for one of your questions. My sister-in-law successfully taught her son to not come out of his room too early by giving him his own digital clock. She taught him what 7:00am looked like and told him that he could not come out of his room until he saw the 7. She explained that he could be awake, playing or reading, but he had to stay in his room. Good luck.

As much as it wouldn't seem to make sense, putting her to bed earlier might make her sleep later. If you can get her to get a full night's sleep to begin with, the crankiness after wake-ups might settle down too. My daughter sometimes has a meltdown when she gets up from her nap, but I have chalked it up to her being 2, and prone to meltdowns in general right now.

We have dealt with the no daddy issue for putting my oldest to bed. It was even to the point of me having to come home from visiting with a friend so that he would go to bed. When we got pregnant with our youngest we worked to get that corrected.
Start including your husband in the morning routine and then once she is up and running remove yourself from the situation. Slowly decrease the amount of time that you stick around after she gets up. Be sure to give her a warning that you are going back to bed (don't just sneak off or it will make it worse). Then one day just stay in bed and have your husband go get her if she gets upset (and only if he can't get her calmed down) have him bring her to your room to say hi to you before they go and play. The worst thing you can do is give in when she freaks out (that only reinforces her behavior). Also, have something special for her and daddy to do when he gets her up.

I heard this tip on another board and it has worked pretty well...we got a timer which is hooked up to a lamp. It turns the lamp on at 6:30. When it turns on it means it is morning and he can come out of his room. It helps when he does get out of bed to early too because I can just explain the light is not on yet so it is still night and we sleep at night. I like this idea better than an alarm clock just because if he happens to sleep later I don't want to wake him up (I wish that would happen more!). Also I am sure my son would not take the time to figure out a clock, he would definitely just bust into my room. The light isn't perfect but it has reduced the frequency of getting up and has made it easier to put him back to bed if it is too early. Good luck :-)

stick to your guns!! you're the mom--she's the two year old!! don't give in or do it "her way"--you do it your way, and she'll have to go with that---it starts now and ends when they are 18 and leave home--you will have alot of battles to pick and choose--but they have to know you are the boss, no matter what--and what you say goes!!--if she cries--oh well--it won't last all that many days--she'll know you mean what you say!!
I'm a mom of a 27 yr old son, and 25 year old daughter, who are the light of our lives--they have grown to be kind, compassionate people--that was always my goal in raising them-
Good Luck--enjoy the ride--it goes fast!!! S.

Hi, My son Leif recently started doing the same thing. I'm wondering if it is a stage since he was born the end of January 2006 too. Maybe teeth? What seems to help him (at least in the mornings) is that I go in and sooth him. I try not to pick him up but to get him to lay his head back on the pillow and do our final steps from the going to sleep routine. Tuck up blankets, give him bear, give kiss and night-night I love you. He goes back to sleep and then wakes up cheerful at his formerly normal time. Naps have been a different story, probably because it's light out. Good luck.

Hi, H.!
My daughter is 2 1/2. I gave up nap time altogether when she started waking up way too early in the morning. It is harder to get anything done and the first week she was really crabby around dinner time, but now she sleeps from 9 pm until 8:30 am every single day. The only time she wakes at night or earlier in the morning is if she has a really wet diaper. She wakes up well rested and usually plays in her room now until she hears other people are up. My ten year old used to wake up and ask permission to get out of his toddler bed when he was little, but it was not a big deal because he too slept 11-12 hours at night so it was 8 or 9 o'clock when he was asking. I usually would just say sure you can wake up now. Unless I was exhausted. Then I would ask him to try to go back to sleep. Did not work, but I usually got ten more minutes:) My four year old just gets up and follows the ten year old around in the morning so I have never had issues with him, but all three of my kids gave up their nap time by age 2. I miss having some quiet time during the day, but they have all done great and they do not miss the naps at all. I think as long as their total amount of sleep each day is 12 hours they do just fine and the broken sleep of a nap and then 8-9 hours at night just was not as good as 12 straight hours of solid sleep. Good luck!

It seems you have inadvertently trained your daughter to wait for you. . .which at times can be nice, however, if you get sick or for some reason you cannot be there she will have a hard time adjusting. You need to be firm and let Daddy get her up in the morning. If she screams for you, let her scream. The first time it will seem like it is forever! However, if you are consistant she will learn that screaming will not achieve her goal. I know it will be so hard, but it will be worth it especially if you want more children. The same thing would apply for naptimes.
What is your routine in the mornings? When she wakes up early, does she play (even though grumpy), watch tv and/or eat breakfast? When she wakes up too early, perhaps you could play soft music and have a favorite toy in bed with her or some books so she could quietly entertain herself or better yet go back to sleep. H. this helps! I've been there!

When she tells you to go away - try once explaining to her that it hurts your feelings and you don't want to go away. If she continues to do it - go away and don't go back in. It'll break your heart when she is calling for you, but stay strong and when she comes out of her room explain to her again that she told you to go away. Try music - start it a little before you think she'll wake up - either in the morning or at nap time, maybe a favorite song that you and she share and have that playing. My daughter was much happier when she woke up to some of her favorite songs playing, it gave her a few minutes to open her eyes and adjust! Good luck, just remember that at every age - they play us!!