Grounding My Middle Schooler

Grounding doesn't work - take it from someone who was grounded constantly as a middle-school age child. You might notice that he will become more secretive rather than less as the result of the discipline. Also, the more emphasis you put on him not seeing girls, the more he'll want to see them.

Realistically, kids should stay in groups regardless of the gender make-up. This is safest for everyone. Talking about safety rather than morality is always better. Boys who get caught with girls who have protective parents can get a bad reputation or worse - alienated from their friends through the parents of the girls. Let him know the risks to his personal life rather than "what you expect from him". Having another boy on hand when he is around girls is a good idea for him as well as the girl(s).

Kids are self-motivated at their cores. The more you can make this about him and not you, the easier it will be to help him to make the best choices.

Also, making choices for him will always backfire. You'll have to win him to make some good decisions here moving forward if you want him to stay on the right path.

I teach seventh and eighth grade and have much experience with adolescent boys. Unfortunately, lying seems to be a pretty common trait for children this age as they try to test their new boundaries. My advice is to choose punishments that follow logically from the events: no movies without a chaperone until he can prove to you that he can be trusted again. Whatever you do, stick with what you have said. DO NOT UNGROUND HIM. If you do, you are teaching him that he can work the system. Adolescents need, respect, and ultimately appreciate boundaries. He NEEDS you to be the parent. He does not need you to be his buddy. He needs to know that you will follow through with what you have threatened. By earning his respect, you will ultimately create a more loving, trusting child.
Good luck!

I agree with Carol: you HAVE to follow through with the punishment you set.
From the perspective of a former teenager who was a pretty good kid but managed to get grounded on a regular basis, perhaps a different approach would be better in the future. It is hard to suggest the "right way" not knowing you or your family, but I know that the more my parents over-reacted, the more I somehow felt justified in defying them. The harder they came down, the more I fought them. In retrospect, I made things harder than they should have, but so did they. Many problems could have been averted if they had listened more and freaked out less.
I don't know how it is at your house, but at my house my parents were so consumed with trying to gain absolute control over everything, parent-child communication was pretty much non-existent and I lost a lot of respect for them.
Yes, he lied and betrayed your trust and that is unacceptable. A harsh punishment may just be the ticket for this first offense, but it should be followed up with a calm, loving talk about the importance of being honest in ALL of your dealings, with all people in all situations. Talk about trust and how it would benefit him to prove he it trustworthy. Discuss what happened, how it made you feel, and (you'll have to think hard about this and decide ahead of time what would be appropriate and enforcible) what the consequence will be if he lies to you again. Review the family rules and the consequence for disobeying them (it's a good idea to post this is a visible spot).
I remember all too well feeling like I didn't have a say in anything. I think the teenage hormones amplify every bit of insecurity and feelings of helplessness. If you listen to him, have him help list the rules and come up with the consequences, he'll feel like he has some control over the situation and might be more willing to do what he should.
Last, remember that you are all human and make mistakes. If your son makes a mistake, he should apologize, take the punishment, and do what he can to rectify the situation. If you make a mistake, you should also apologize and do what you can to rectify the situation. There have been far too many times I have reacted badly to a situation and had to go back and apologize to my son (do you have any idea how humbling it is to tell a 5-year-old that Mommy made a mistake? Yikes!) but my son respects me for it and has learned to do the same. It is SO rewarding to have him come to me after misbehaving and say, "I'm sorry for being mean/yelling/throwing my toys/etc."
I know I haven't parented a teenager yet, so you can take my advice with a grain of salt, but my teenage years are still painfully fresh in my mind and I just wanted to let you see a different perspective.
Good luck!!!!! I'm am in no hurry to be in your situation. =)

here is my view point on this. I really think that we need to be sooo careful with what our children are doing. You read about all these kids doing things that they shouldn't be and starting at such young ages. I don't feel grounding for 2 weeks is excessive. I have an 11 year old and he too is pretty much the perfect child however I think we need to be sure that these kids are aware the honesty is very important. If he knows that you are going to "undue" his grounding he may think that he can get away with it in the future, whereas if you stick with it he will hopefully understand that the behavior is not acceptable.
Jeanne

I have a 12 year old girl who did basically the same thing. She asked to go to a friend's house after school and then went to her friends and then to a boys house nearby. Her friend had to go with her Mom somewhere and so I found out after the fact that she lied completely to both my husband and I. I don't think you're being too strict. My daughter was ground for a month from going to any friends houses and when this month is over, I have to meet the child that she plans to spend time with and the parent and verify that my child will be at her house the whole time. Stick to your guns and make it the 2 weeks!

Grounded from the phone and computer AND from leaving the house for two weeks -- I'd call that a stiff penalty -- but whatever punishment you choose, you have to enforce it or you lose credibility as parents (and respect). Therefore I do not issue punishments that are too hard for me to enforce. Forgive me now as I quote with permission (this may get long) this insight from a mother of 11:

> Haim Ginott (child psychologist in the 60s and 70s) held that if you tell a child that if he does "that" one more time, you will throw him out the window, you had better pray to be on the first floor, because he will and you must. In other words, don't say it unless you are not only able, but willing to follow through. Makes life a lot easier (for everyone) after the first few window tosses :~). It made me very careful of what I threatened and on an occasion or so when I had to do what I promised--not only even more careful, but most importantly _believed and respected_.

I have to share one of the most painful times this principle came into play. My mom lived in Arizona and had invited Mark (12 at the time) to come spend part of the summer with her, go to the Grand Canyon, and spend time on the drive back to Omaha with a good friend at a Ranch in Texas where the Cadillac graveyard was situated. He was ecstatic. Talked about it all Spring. Started running with a bad crowd in the neighborhood and began to get into "little" troubles. I said "If I can't trust you three blocks from home, what makes you think I will trust you 2300 miles from home. One more screw up and the Arizona trip is OFF." Well you know what happned. One more screw up. The thing that made it really difficult was that my mom --and her friend--were counting on this visit.
The screw up was interesting, btw. His "friends" dared him to spray paint a four-letter word on the 3 story white stucko house behind us. Well he did. a foot and a half high in bright blue. the word was "love" :~). And he was caught in the act by the mom of the house (who had 10 kids--9 boys--and called me in a state of absolute glee--"_I_ get to call someone else!!!) Fortunately the house had just been painted or we (Mark's paper route money over time) would have had to painted the entire house, instead of just a quart of white paint and some brush work.
Mark came dragging up the block, saw the look on my face and said "you know." And I said "how could I not?" --I told him I would discuss it with Papa and we would tell him at dinner what the outcome would be. Well, by dinner time, _everyone_ was in a twit as to what we would do. We had SAID--"one more thing . . ." and there it was. But they also knew my mom and her friend had planned their entire summer around this visit. So we sent Matthew who was the only one old enough to go alone and young enough for the 1/2 price fare. He was threatened as well if he rubbed it in to Mark--it was no virtue of his that he was chosen--just the serendipity of age. Matt--and my Mom--had a great time.
Mark saved his paper route money and the next year paid his own way--and his little brother Jacob's-- to Arizona to spend time with their grandmother. Not special trips, but they had a wonderful time--with a clean conscience. And boy did our stock go up as believable parents!

--Good luck, L., from a fellow mother of three who is considered "lenient" so listen to my friend, not me!,
C.

I'm not too far ahead of you. My eldest, also a boy, is now 13. We haven't run into girl issues yet, thank goodness, but we have experienced the gentle, cooperative child turning into a teenager. I, too, think that honesty is the most important fact. We need to help protect them, because they have very little judgement! I would suggest a book that helped me understand our new roles as parents, and it's called "Yes, Your Teen IS Crazy." by Mike Bradley. There's even a website dedicated to it, although I like Mammasource and I only have limited time on the internet. You might want to explain to your son that 2 weeks is a lot for you, too, (even though he won't believe it) and that 2 weeks is the punishment because the lying doubled it. After 1 week, you might want to provide options to start building your trust back. Give him opportunities to tell the truth, role play about ways to discuss social situations and how they can be handled. In my humble opinion, the stuff that makes our kids have values and self-respect are instilled before they are 10. Now, we just have to hold on, be fair and consistent, and believe that after the testing is done, they find their own paths. My son hasn't been caught directly in a lie, but even this morning on the way to school, he informed me that he's determined that, "Rich people lie and that's how they get rich." (We're not rich, but boy wouldn't it be nice, especially if one is 13.) I was just shocked and didn't know what to say. I was brought up in a pretty religious Christian family and the Ten Commandments were stressed regularly. I haven't done that same religious upbringing with my kids for lots of reasons, but believe me, this morning I wished I had. One issue that my son is trying to figure out is the big lies and the little lies. For example, if he says he read 30 minutes on his reading log but he only read 15 and got the expected number of pages read, is that ok? We stress that the choices we make for him are based on his maturity and risk of getting in trouble or a situation that is over his head. But more and more he wants to make choices for himself. So, I also advise that you clearly give your son opportunities to make choices and then enjoy or suffer the consequences on his own. And there are still some things that parents get to decide such as dating, getting into cars, curfews, "hanging out", etc. and that is because we care. I know it's an old cliche but it still works. Psychologists have told me that the most important thing is to keep the communication going and with teens, it might take some creative work or even a bribe to make that happen. Stay in touch. I feel your pain!!

You probably need to stick with the punishment or it sends a message that you will back down if he complains enough. But, it sounds like this incident came at you out of the blue. Have you thought about what was behind his lying to you? Is he embarrassed about liking this girl? Is he shy about talking about girls? Do his friends or anyone in the family tease him a bit about liking girls--even in a goodnatured fun way? Perhaps he felt like it was easier and no big deal to tell you he was seeing a movie with male friends than it was to admit he was going with a girl. I bet he knows better now! Talk to him about it. You may find that he did not lie to you to be deceitful or sneaky, which I am guessing is what you are truly afraid of. Rather, he may just be embarrassed or shy about the new feelings he is having for the girls who used to be "yucky". Good luck!

for parents only
getting inside the head of your kid
by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa A. Rice

Above is the name of a book that has helped me a lot. I have a 13 yr old daughter. I love her so much, and she is generally a great kid, just like your son. However, the teen years scare me. I needed a little guide book! This book is short and sweet, and pretty informative. I would have done the same punishment as you did. One things for sure, he'll learn that you mean what you say, and he'll understand that there will be consequences if he thinks about doing it again.

good luck!
C.

I have a 12 year old girl. I feel your pain :)
Make him write an essay on honesty or respect and stick to your guns on the 2 weeks. He has to know who is the boss. I personally feel that 12 year olds do not need cell phones. Sounds harsh, but seriously-is it necessary? We have a cell phone our daughter uses when she is out or at a friends. It is not for casual conversation. I do not feel at all guilty that she is not 'keeping up with the Jone's kid'. Just my opinion. Good Luck with the coming years. Stand your ground now and he will respect you more later.

Hello L.,

I agree with your punishment. Stick to it.

I also think that you all need to sit him down and talk with him (not at him) to get to the bottom of the deciet. As you said, it was not a big deal that he was out with young ladies. More so the issue was him lying. You all have to figure out why he chose to lie over coming to you all with a request that you could have worked out together.

I say this from experience with our oldest who started to lie in order to avoid punishment for missing some school assignments. Well instead of lying about handing them in, we had to figure out why they were not getting done and devise a better system to make sure the homework was complete and turned in.

After that we stopped punishing him for a while and instead told him (praised him alot) how proud we were of him for his honesty. Now, he still gets pushished for misbehaving, but he is more upfront about it now and we are able to talk to each other and examine the cause of the behavior together.

Good luck to you! Stick to your guns so you don't lose credibility on this one, but also talk with him about the reasoning behind it and if you see fit maybe come to a compromise about "dating" if that is something you are willing to consider. Obviously he is.

Hi L.,

I think you did the right thing. You want him to know that what he did was very serious & you don't want it to happen again. If you back off from the 2 weeks now, he'll get the idea that you may back down from punishments again. In my humble opinion, I say stick to it! Good luck!

L. H.

P.S. I have 2 boys, an almost-15 year old & a 12 year old.

Hi L., I do simpathize with you, I am a mother of 7 of which 4 are boys. I know how hard it is to find out your child has lied and then to deal out a punishment 2 hurts in 1 wow! What we found with our kids is that when we put up a fence (house rules) our children always ran around looking for weakness in the fence so the could push there way thru and escape. When we went back on a punishment, they found the weak area in the fence and most importantly when they were able to pit dad and mom against each other they found a weak foundation. I say also stick to your punishment and if you feel it was too harsh ( sometimes in desperation w make it too hard) If you feel it was then what we did was my husband and I wrote up a contract that stated the punishment for the incident. All the children had a part in it and signed it and when the rule was broken the contract came out and was put into effect. It was amazing how much they liked having part in the drawing up of the contract but not in the consequences. Our children are all grown w/babes of their own,it's funny how they are now facing the same thing. Oh and don't worry about your relationship w/your son. Mine still call me when they've done wrong and want to talk about it. It does happen have faith in your parenting it's obvious you are a loveng mom.

I don't think it's to hard at all. Kids these days are rarely punished. Put your foot down hard the first time to eliminate a second time.

Hi L.
Believe it or not stick to your guns!!!! Don't cave and unground him for a moral you insist on him valueing. He is the oldest of 3 and is also a role mdel for the younger ones.....he also will face harder choices in his teen years, much harder than do i lie to mom and dad....he MUST understand the differance between right and wrong, and the consequences or rewards for each. If you take away the punishment you have given him you are telling him #1, you don't mean what you say, #2 your rules are an option to follow or not, #3 he doesn't have to be held accountable for his actions, thus telling him he's not responsible. We don't always have to be our kids friends, sometimes we have to be tough to teach the lessons that will carry them into adulthood. Good luck and god bless...S.

Stick to your guns. You don't want him to get the idea that "it's ok, I'll be able to get out of it anyway." Esp with this first one, it's important that he understand that we mean business. We just went through this with our 12 year old too. He also tried to talk us into an "early release for good behavior." I just told him that this was a serious infraction and I wasn't bending this time.

It's been several weeks, so far he's behaving.

L. - I too have a middle-school boy and it's hard! He is our oldest as well so he seems to be the guniea pig at our house too. My first thought is to stick to what you've decided, even if you look back and think it's too harsh or long. He needs to see that you mean what you say. However, if he seems contrite and apologized whole-heartedly, maybe you and your husband will give him a couple of days off. Lying is a battle we pick here too, and it's one we want our kids to understand is important. Keep it up!

I have an 18 year old son. My son is also a really good kid. We did run into a few ups and downs along the way. That is awsome you sat down and talked to him. That is the first good step. There are lots of things in this world that can harm our kids,he needs to know that no matter what he does you love him and only want the best for him.
Let him know that if he is honest he will always be able to fix any problems he has because you will help him. That your not going to stand for lying because if he's lying theres no trust between you and him, and thats somthing you always want to have. Yes there should be consaquences for his actions. Number one thing is there cell phone or phone usage at home. Boy my son didnt like that one but he realized he didnt deserve it if he wasnt truthful with mom and dad. If he is into girls,Tell him its ok to come to you and let you know.( dont get upset about this i know he is only 12. That was one thing my sons problem was. Give him boundaries about girls and dating and what is acceptable to you, so there is and understanding. He doesnt mean to lye right now but girls and peer pressure are starting to take over. Tell him what you exspect so he understands and cant come back later and say well i didnt know. This way you have everything out he should know and exspect. I hope this helped. Dont feel bad to take freedom away. Its what best for your son. Later he will Thank You, and down the line he will be teaching his own kids this lesson. M.

good with the grounding, I was one of those kids that got in trouble and stayed grounded through middle school. no time limit on the gounding, do it based on behavior adn chores,as for teh "no girls" it's useless. just insist on a chaparone or make sure that there is more than just him and her when they go out, make him understand that lying isn't helping him out at all, and if he gets in trouble with a girls parents because they're super protective, you can't say that they were chaproned, their attitude and behavoir reflects on you as a parent. you my try and try and do a goo job, but when pubirty they becaome rebellious individuals. best of luck adn hopefully he'll understand and not lie anymore

You can't stop Boys and Girls from dating but, he should have told the truth and probably should've asked before he went out and found a girl. Oh, and you are defintly not gong too hard with the grounding. It's discipline and it's right. He did spmething wrong and he has to know it. Teens are very hard. Good Luck!

You can't deny that teen girls and boys are developing an attraction for each other early in life. They often start "in school" dating around this age without our knowledge. A good sign is when they start getting phone calls from the opposite sex. Eventually, they ask "can I see them outside of school?" "My other friends are dating." When it progresses to this point, I feel one should do what is age appropriate; don't let them date without adult supervision. Tell them to take it slow, because there are physical and emotional consequences to their actions. Don't assume they want to have sex. They are at the age where they will probably be too scared and are just looking to enjoy the company of their boyfriend/girlfriend outside of school. Try including the boyfriend or girlfriend along on family outings, but don't ever leave them alone, because this can lead to a situation where things can get out of hand. Dating should be done with adult supervision so that everyone is happy. P.S. As for the grounding, don't set a time limit (ex: 2 weeks) and let your teen do chores to "work his way out" of being grounded. The thought of not knowing how long he/she is grounded and doing chores is worse than just being sent to your room for 2 weeks! - Mother of 2 Teen Girls