I feel silly posting this but...
Before my daughter was born, her father and I had compromised on our views of daycare. For the first few months, our daughter would be watched by someone we personally knew. After her forth or fifth month, she would be enrolled in daycare. During my pregnancy, we had planned for a friend (who used to work in a daycare facility) to watch our daughter 3 days a week. However, as my due date approached, my boyfriend's mom made it clear that she would like to watch the baby. I had my reservations, but compromised again with 2 days with Gma & 1 day with our friend. At one point, she asked if it was ok to borrow our stroller to take the baby for a walk. Of course, I agreed & told her to use the emergency key we had given her when we moved in. Since then she has repeatedly let herself in and took clothes & toys without asking. At first I thought I wasn't packing appropriately so I started packing a warm & a cool clothing option, multiple pairs of socks, diaper cream, gas medicine, extra diapers, extra formula, etc. But it has continued including her taking an outfit I had bought & set aside for a special occasion coming up. Also, she's started taking laundry, doing dishes, etc when she let herself in and then calling me to comment on the state of the house. I work fulltime and go to school part time...housework gets done on my off days. My boyfriend says we should enjoy the help while it lasts but I feel like boundaries are being crossed. Now she's calling my daughter her baby and wants us to come over every Sunday for breakfast.I know she means well...but I need more space.
P.S. I have offered to pay for the day care but the money is refused time and time again.
P.P.S I may have gotten myself into this situation because my ex-SIL never wanted us over or included us in their kids' lives. When I was pregnant, I told her that family means everything to me & I wanted us to be close..
Ok! So in regards to some of the answers...she's not evil or manipulative. I don't think of her as my enemy nor do I hate her. She's great. I love her! I think she's trying to make up for not being able to be a big part of my boyfriend's childhood. His dad had custody. However, I raised very independently and (obviously) have different views about privacy. And maybe the laundry & dishes thing seem great to you, but for me, it intrudes way too much into my space & makes me uncomfortable. Maybe it's a territory thing...I don't know. I did start the question with "I feel silly..." As far as why daycare would be better for us as a family, it'll give me more flexibility with school. Right now, I can't have classes in the morning because Grandma works then.
Anywho, I've decided to go back to school fulltime and work part time doing the same thing I'm doing now in a new department. I'm not sure how long the transfer will take but I think, by the time everything is said and done, my daughter will be almost 5 months. That'll give me time to look at daycares!
I would change the locks. I read about a new lock that you can program so that you can give her a key that only works at certain times.
DO NOT FOLLOW HARSH ADVICE
This is how you handle it, verbatim. Your MIL sounds like she means well. Ask her over and you two sit down alone. Hold both her hands (gently)and look her into the eyes(lovingly) and tell her" We have a really big problem" and she'll say"What, dear?" and you say, "I'm jealous." and she'll say, "Jealous of what?" and your answer will be "You" and she'll ask "Why are you jealous of me?" and then you'll go on to explain. "I feel like I've lost control of my life." she'll interrupt you and you'll say "Let me finish, please. I know I am in school and working, but I like cleaning my own house and when you do it, I feel I'm not needed around here. When I pack my baby's clothes and bring her to you and you come back and get more, I feel like I've failed as a mother, because I've not provided the things my child needs. If I forget something, just let me know on the message machine or leave me a note in the bag. I love you and I appreciate you,but I feel like I don't belong in my own house anymore and I don't want to hurt my husband, by telling him this and arguing with him, because I love him so much." and then she will say," I think I've overstepped my boundaries and I too was a mother and no one helped me, so I figured if I help me, you wouldn't feel over worked like I was and I'm sorry. Do you want me to keep baby sitting?"
and you will say yes.(It's free) You drop a few tears and she will too and now hug. Because you are going to have another baby right after you graduate and you do not want to be a working single mother of two. Like me. It is not easy, no matter how it looks on TV.
It may be time for your boyfriend to have a respective talk with him mom. He can let her know that she needs to ask before taking clothes - that sometimes, you have set things aside for specific days/events. He also can make sure she understands that although you appreciate the housework, it is not expected of her, and even if she chooses to do it, she should not comment to you about the state of the house. He also can explain that although you both are thrilled that your daughter has such a special relationship with her grandmother, grandma should not be referring to your daughter as her "baby" (presumably, though, it is ok with you if she refers to your daughter as her "grandbaby."). Finally, your husband should explain (again with respect) that with all of your responsibilities you all need some special "family time," where it is just the three of you - and that includes Sunday breakfast.
Best of luck - and trust me, there will be plenty of times you will be so grateful for an involved grandma - they can make life a lot easier, too!
My DH lost his job after 19 years and we lost our home, vehicles, credit cards, everything, they were through the credit union at his work. We moved in with my in-laws. They have a 4 bedroom home that is very comfortable so there was plenty of room. My MIL would come into our room and gather laundry, sort the drawers out and rearrange them, much tidier and neat but I found it to be very invasive. She would hang and iron the clothes and clean the bathroom, etc...I complained all the time and repeatedly asked my DH to tell her to stay out of our room. It was battle after battle. My DH finally found another job and we moved back into our home again.
She found out she had small cell cancer on her liver that Christmas, by April it had spread to her other organs and she died that July. I regret every complaint I ever made because she was truly just trying to help and wasn't being mean or bossy, she just was a mom who wanted to make life easier for her children. I miss her terribly and wish I had just enjoyed the help.
It seems to me that you have plans to move the baby to a childcare facility very soon so I agree with the boyfriend, enjoy the love she is showing your child and when the baby moves to child care you can see how it goes with the key situation but I would make an excuse to change the locks, like maybe loosing your keys at Wal-Mart and being worried someone would break in, she would never know you were just changing them to keep her out.
I don't like my MIL very much so I can see the problem... however, I would love someone washing my dishes and doing my laundry. (especially if I worked fulltime, went to school parttime and had a new baby) I really think you should accept the help for as much as she's willing to do & also the chance to save money.
Maybe what would change it from "crossing boundaries" into her "being a big help" would just be to talk to her about how busy you are, how much you are trying to accomplish and ask her for the help and then thank her for it. When someone does something without being asked, it is crossing boundaries. But when someone does something to help out someone they love, it is being family.
My family and my husband's family are far away. We only see them 1-2 times per year. It makes me sad that my kid doesn't have grandparents around calling her "their baby". It makes me sad we don't have grandma's house to go to for Sunday breakfast like I did when I was little. I am totally sad I don't have someone doing my housework. These really are good things. Maybe they don't seem good to you because you feel a little guilty you can't be superwoman and do everything yourself... but that's not how it is supposed to be. It really does take a village to raise a child. Grandma is one of the villagers...let her help. See the help as a gift to you too, because in the long run that baby is gonna wear you out and you'll need as much help as you can get. Best wishes!
Thank you, Grandma.
We appreciate what good care you have taken care of Punky
but we are making new plans now.
We won't be needing your help any more.
I'm sure you'll find satisfying ways to enjoy your new free time.
and CHANGE THE LOCKS.
change the locks and tell her you will have your friend watch your child 3 times a week.
no need to explain yourself. i think you gave it a shot having had reservations first. if you didn't try it it would have not been good. you did, it's not working out, tell her about the change of plans.
This too shall pass. First however, lock anything valuable (special clothes) somewhere. She isn't violent, doing anything mean really, just helping and feeling a tad superior which you can ignore and enjoy the free help, and just as easily as she floated into your life she can also float out. People do that, without you doing anything she will most likely find something else that interests her sometime soon. And while you feel overwhelmed you do have a wonderful magic word in the English language. No thank you. Oh you could also add, I need my space. Pretty upfront. And if you want to enjoy your daughter without breakfast every Sunday let her know that, too. She doesn't sound evil, violent or nasty, just a little pushy.
And perhaps lonely without much to do.Is there a father in law in the picture? If not, might be time to match her up with the new neighbor. One question: when she takes the laundry does she return it? She can come to my house if she wants, teehee...sorry I know you are hurting. It just sounds like a simple act of getting a little more assertive and since you can't count on boyfriend, practise in the mirror before you talk to her..
Where do I sign up!?! I would LOVE my MIL or Mother, to "break in" and help me!!!
Unfortunetly, my Mom lives 4 hours away and my MIL lives 45 minutes away and suffers from Lupus. Both of them are 70 years old (two weeks apart in birthdays)
Really, she just trying to help...she is just helping...as far as the "comments to the state of the house"...I would be willing to bet money that she says something along the lines of, "I saw dirty dishes in the sink so I cleaned them"....which you take as, "you have dirty dishes"....I will BET that she MEANS "I cleaned the dishes for you"....
LOVE what you have...chearish it....I know I am not that lucky.
In the end....just talk to her....she IS family? Just say what you need to say....nicely..
Hi Molly,
Before you cut ties, figure out her motives. I know your boyfriend believes they are honorable, but do you? If you do, then a nice talk outlining boundaries and consequences. It may do the trick. If she is doing this to be meddlesome, then you need to be more drastic in your actions. Nipping it is not a bad idea but if you plan on having a long relationship with this man then you need to make an effort for a good relationship. That means handling this appropriately. You can be firm and kind. We give our children to the count of three to correct themselves. If she doesn't improve after a good talking to, tighten the reigns. If that doesn't work then tell her it's not working and you simply want her to be grandma....
Make sure your boyfriend is on the same page so you have good backup! That will determine whether you are successful or not! Honesty usually works. If it doesn't then you at least know you tried.
God bless,
M.
naturally you don't want her in your home messing about with your stuff, and naturally you are taking her remarks about your home pejoratively. i would too.
but please take a deep breath.
it is so lovely for your child to be watched by a family member who loves her. daycare is fine and often wonderful, but why is it outright preferable?
if you are adamant about this then do it, but please try to shift your resentment of grandma into a more understanding place. she really is trying to help, and if she's not sure where the lines are, you can draw them for her more clearly and still be loving and courteous.
are you sure what you are reading as condemnation isn't just her version of being helpful, eg 'i saw you hadn't got to folding the laundry yet so i took care of it for you' ?
you will probably have to say something about her taking outfits or other things you don't want used, but this too can be handled tactfully, along the lines of 'ma, if you need stuff i'm not packing let me know, but i'd really prefer if you didn't come in and grab stuff, sometimes i've got other plans for the outfits you choose. let's work together on this.'
i would definitely put the kabosh on the sunday breakfasts. a firm 'sorry, that's one of our precious family times for just the 3 of us. maybe we can have lunch on the 30th?'
you DID get yourself into this situation, and you did good by doing so. yes, it's frustrating and needs some parameters, but all the good things you hoped for when you were pregnant are there.
good luck!
khairete
S.
Nip it!!!! It will get worse and these are very bad signs. I know it's hard now that you've given her an inch and she's taken a yard, but you have to make your views very clear.
I'd love to tell you to have your hubby do it, but he probably won't. He may not even back you up. You have to tell her to return your key, you're not comfortable with her coming and going whenever she wants. You cant' book your Sundays.
It's all VERY HARD to say, she'll try to villainize you to her son, but the more you cave and keep quiet, the more ground she gains and the worse it gets. I've had to put my foot down BIG TIME with my MIL and it would have been much better if I hadn't let things spin out of control to begin with. I actually would make myself clear, but she would demand her way anyway, and then my husband and I would fight because he was allowing me to be trampled.
Ever since I started being just as outrageous as her by acting exactly like her and being ridiculously stubborn, I have much more control over the whole situation. I only wish it hadn't taken me 10 years to get up my nerve. NIp it! Let her know your friend is watching her 2 days, and she is watching her one day. No key. Occasional Sundays. You'll have to stand up to her one day- don't wait until your child really starts depending on her, which is what she wants.
I would say to her thank you so much for being there for us and we are going to continue on with our plan we had before birth and do a childcare center because we want to make sure socialization with other children starts early. It's good for language social skills, and building the immune system early. Also this way if you want or need to do something I will no longer feel guilty that I am keeping you or my friend from anything. I also need to protect my job and a daycare center will only not take her if she is sick, if you would get sick and not take her then I wouldn't have the daycare that she would be used to. Thank you for taking all your time and I won't take no for an answer on this change.
Get the emergency key back or change the locks and "forget" to give her a set. You can do this in a round-about way so as not to hurt her feelings. Just pretend to lose your key and say that you will need the emergency key. If she can't get into the house, she can't poke around in your stuff or make comments. If she brings up getting a new key for her, just nicely say that she really won't need one since you are better at packing for baby's needs now. I understand wanting your privacy. As for the weekly breakfast, if that is too much for you, explain that you have alot going on with school/work and that once a month would be a better commitment for you to make. Then do a last Sunday of the month commitment or something like that.
Bottom line is you do need to respect this woman as she is your partner's mother, but you don't have to let her dictate your life either. Be firm in what you want, but kind. Compromise when you can and take her suggestions into consideration. Having her as an ally is much better than having her as an enemy, trust me. If she makes a comment like "my baby" she probably is just using it as a term of endearment as I am sure it is apparent she is not the real mom. Sounds like she has some empty nest syndrome, so tread lightly. . .I am sure someday you will be in her shoes when your kids leave the nest, try and think of that if you can and be empathetic.
Your boyfriend really needs to understand that there are boundaries though and back you up. You two need to be a united front or it will never work and lead to countless arguments and stress. If you decide she is not to have a key, then he needs to be on board with that decision, no matter what. Sit down with boyfriend and have a chat. You two are a family now and your wishes come before his mothers, that is just the way it is when you grow up. I really wish you the best and hope you can turn things around with his mom and be friends.
Sit down and let her know that she is over stepping. She should not take outfits or toys without you knowing beforehand. If she wants to clean let her but tell her please keep her comment to herself. You know what your house looks like since you work and go to school so that you can be a good example for your daughter. I wish she would come to my house and clean.
Updated
Sit down and let her know that she is over stepping. She should not take outfits or toys without you knowing beforehand. If she wants to clean let her but tell her please keep her comment to herself. You know what your house looks like since you work and go to school so that you can be a good example for your daughter. I wish she would come to my house and clean.
I just had to say, I read your "what happened" and I feel the same way - I do not want people doing my laundry or my dishes...but especially the laundry! With laundry the issue is pretty obvious - do I really want my MIL all over my underwear? With dishes - I hand wash all of our kid stuff and anything plastic and a lot of other things that don't go in the dishwasher. When other people try to do it, I find that things aren't as clean as I would have done them - there is dried food or whatever.
My MIL was doing the same thing to her oldest son - I heard crazy stories that they would go on vacation and come home to a completely rearranged kitchen! She is a nice woman, trying to help, but doesn't realize that this isn't helpful. Sometimes they just need to be told when to back off a bit. But it should not come from you - it should come from her son...
Anyway, sounds like you mostly have this figured out, so best of luck to you!!
Please Please Please voice your opinion politely yet firmly on your boundaries now before its too late! When I would go to class at night and leave my newborn with her daddy I would come home to find out that "mom-mom" picked her up as soon as I left. When I would ready the baby in the morning and leave for work, mom-mom would take off what I had on her and chose other clothes. And yes, she would do dishes make our bed wash our hardwood...ect! Absolute craziness! It escalated to her telling me I was a bad mother because of going to school, and an internship and neglecting my baby.. After I left her son because of his use of drugs and arrests, and sued him for custody, "mom-mom" countersued me for custody of MY little girl, and now my daughter (age 4) stays with him and his parents thur thru mon, and with me only mon to thur!!! She takes over everything! She was trying to give my daughter that medicine that prevents colds..."Airborne"?? until i told her she legally couldnt do that without my permission. She said the baby shouldnt be in girl scouts b/c she would be raped!!!!! The irrationale belief process she is instituting with my child is extremely nuts! I just pray fo the day her other children decide to have kids so she can redirect her focus. So...please nip this in the big annoying in-law bud now! for your own mental stability.
I LIVE with mine, when she began to get pushy about a decision we made for our son, I reminded her that she had her turn to raise her kids, and now it is my turn. I reminded her that when I am stuck I will ask for help, but overall her son and I need to make these choices on our own. I accept she likes to give him more treats then we normally would, but we balance that out with other good foods. I have also let her (and my mom) know what we will NOT budge on with our choices, like soda pop. So they know where they have room to play and where they need to follow our rules end of story. It is great how respectful they are overall once these conversations were had.
A post that is all too common. I remember many years ago, my MIL lived in another state and we made her a key to let herself in when she was in town. I think it was just a bad idea for two people who were trying to start their lives together...on their own branch.
First it was abused, then the comments came in about her thoughts and then it never ended. My MIL has gone so far to tell me she would totally redecorate my home if it were her. Let me know she would put more pictures on the walls and change this and that. As well, dropped of a STACK of decorating magazine with strategically placed tabs.
She was completely set aside and annoyed when she said she would just let herself in and I said, "Oh, just let me know when you get in town and I will stop by and let you in". The offer for another key never came about, but I have noticed when she gets here, she likes to go explore the house with our little girl..."Show me your room, how many steps are there, etc". The survey goes on!
I am a family person too, but I think there is a place for Grandparents and the time that they have to stand back and just appreciate their family. When our children are small, we sometimes have to stand back and let them take over. I feel that should not stop, appreciate families and let them grow. Of course, everyone needs help, but I feel people should wait to be asked and back off when the need is no longer needed.
this is a hard one. some would love all of this help and some see it as insulting. obviously this isnt working for you. BUT since she is watching your child i fell as though to continue that you have to put up with this...if you want it to stop then she needs to stop watching the baby...its hard for any of us to know the full truth and everyones opinion is different. I would pick one thing that is making you unhappy and try to change that as realistically that is probably the most that is going to change....you can always buy clothes that stay at grandmas ( get them from a resale? or think of all the $$$ you are saving in day care and buy special clothes for grandma to keep. Resales have tons of toys CHEAP , so buy her a stash. Also with all the $$$ you are saving in day care and working being a mom and going to school hire a maid! They arent that expensive and i am sorry but i do only 2 of those things and i can barely keep it together and i live in a tiny condo! again you need to decide but in order for it all to end she needs to stop watching her
How old is your child now? has she reached the 4-5 month marker so you can enroll her in the daycare?
Most grandmothers have a problem making the adjustment from mom to grandma. They forget that they are not in charge and, especially if they are helping, don't see they need to take a step back.
If you aren't ready to make the move to daycare, you need to have a talk w/ grandma. Tell her that you really appreciate all of her help but you need to ask her to stop being quite so helpful. You know your house is not perfect but you are a working mom and can't stay as on top of it as you like; however it is YOUR home. Tell her that your spare key was for an emergency and you want it to be used as such and not as an indicator of an "always open door".
It is typcial for relatives to refer to a special new baby as "theirs", I think the other issues are making you a bit sensative to this. I wouldn't focus on this unless she starts acting like "mom" and you question whether or not there is a bigger issue at play. Sunday breakfast sounds nice, nothing wrong w/ that unless you already have a routine and this would conflict (and you are not ok w/ the change). Maybe you could go one Sunday a month or every other Sunday if that works for your family.
I'm reading a lot of the responses and I agreed with those regarding honesty. Pretending to cry and go by a script, you don't know what her reponse will be if you start crying like your in a movie. Just be honest with grandma. I really wish I had the help, but I don't need it when someone gloats. Tell her how you feel and please don't come off unstable because that opens up the doors to new issues. Just be honest and if that doesn't work then start searching for a qualified day care which was your first thought. Sometimes you have have to stick to your guns and go with what's best for you and your family. I believe she will understand if you just bring it to her attention. Ask her how would she feel if you came over taking things and commenting on the cleaniness of her house. Just let her know. A lot of problems could be resolved immediately if we address it instead of keeping it inside letting it fester.
I packed a suitcase of toys, books, music, etc. for my son at both grandmas' houses (I change out the contents of the suitcases periodically), and I dress him before I leave in the morning and send along other-weather clothes in case the weather changes. That helps.
I'm puzzled as to why your MIL doesn't just buy your baby toys etc. and keep them at her house for him? That's what happens in our family and it works out well for everybody. Less trafficing back and forth that way, and it's not like grandmas aren't gonna buy them stuff anyway. They might as well keep it at their own place for the kid instead of hauling it back and forth.
just talk to her or sit down with your boyfriend and explain how your feeling and ask him to talk with his mom. I had to go through something similar when we were first married and it ironed itself out and we have ben great ever since!
honesty is always the best answer. kind and understanding honesty.....and after you do that and the in-laws still don't get it--you tell them their opinion is just that-their opinion. and the next time they have a child, they can be sure to implement that opinion. This is what I have to do almost every time my inlaws have something to say about how i handle my child, finances, house work, anything really. And 9 times out of 10 i have to get to the very firm, borderline rude stage before they really get it. But I always try the polite way first. Then I don't feel bad about being rude later. Good luck
Change your locks... If she asks why come up with a "reason"... You could claim your key broke off in the lock or something like that (heck, you could even break your key on purpose as proof...) and "forget" to give her a key. If she asks for one, tell her that you don't want a lot of keys floating around. (or come up with a better reason...) As for breakfast, make other plans to go out or something for a couple weeks... don't answer the phone or give her forewarning so she can't invite herself. Hopefully she will get the hint... But at the same time, I would try to have breakfast with her once or twice a month or so to make sure that she doesn't feel like you are avoiding her... I don't know what to tell you about the housework situation though...
Dam...you are barking up the wrong tree. I wish my MIL could help, plus save money. I had to spend $15,000 a year for FT daycare for two children. Consider yourself lucky because my IL's didn't want any part of my sons' lives.
