Grandma and the Grandkids.

I come from a family where we all are very direct and to the point. If I need help, I call and ask for it.

My husband's family is the exact opposite. No one is direct, no one is clear, you're supposed to be a mind reader, and everyone's feelings get hurt inadvertently.

I realized long ago that I have to accept them as they are, and lower my expectations - because they weren't going to be helpful (not like my family is). They only want to do the grandparent thing when it suits them. So I approach them like this - "What would suit you?" or "What would work for you?". It's all how you approach it. Once they tell me how they want to be involved, I hold them to it.

So could you go to your mother and ask her what would suit her? Forget what she's done in the past and just go forward and say "Mom, is there a day you'd like to visit with your grandson?" Come up with an arrangement she is comfortable with. Then hold her to it.

Make sure your child is available those days and I wouldn't discuss the time he spends with your uncle.

If your mom won't commit, then at least you know she is not interested. You might not know why, but you have to let that part of it go. Concentrate on yourself and your kids. You invite her to be a part of yours/their lives, and if she agrees, you hold her to what she's agreed to.

I was able to work with my in-laws like this. Whenever it's a loose arrangement and not specific, it's terrible. This way, I feel we arrived at a plan together, and I know exactly what to expect as do they.

Hope that helps :) Good luck

Would you feel comfortable gently asking her?

it sounds like you have trouble communicating openly and forthrightly with your mother. this has 'passive-aggressive' writ large on both sides.
lifelong family habits are REALLY hard to break. but you should try. time with his grandma would be really great for you kid and your mom.
just sit down and hash this out.
problem solving is a great skill to model for your son too.
khairete
S.

Sounds like you have an idea of how she should act: Nicer, more willing to see grandkid, not laying guilt trips on you about the uncle, not laying guilt trips on you about not having your son with you enough, and not pretending you're not letting him see his grandma.

Sounds like she has some weird traits.

And you know what? People do. My dad will beg us and beg us to come visit, then he has no patience for the kids and acts like we're infringing on his normal routine with his wife. Is he trying to be mean? No. He really does want to see us. But he and his wife are neat freaks who need everything "just so" and my dad can't take shenanigans and noise of any kind. So kids stress him out. But he does love the grandkids and does certain things with them along his comfort lines. He started college funds. He builds model trains with them. Takes them to events that he likes. He teaches them stuff I would never get around to.

I just leave things how they are because they live across the country and we see them once every 2 years or so, so no need to try to negotiate personality differences. But I WOULD if I had to.

My moms side of the family is a whole other religious can of worms. Same thing, we grin and bear it for one visit per year.

But if your mom is that close, and you want that much family closeness, you have to LAY THINGS OUT. What you expect. What you want. What you perceive her as doing. Try not to attack. Try to agree to some compromises.

"Mom.you're allowed to see ___as much as you want. Why do you pretend you can't?" She may be baffled about what you're saying and completely unaware of her strange behavior. "Mom, I'm a stay at home mom and ____visited his uncle twice this week for 2 hours each time. Do you have a problem with that? If so what?"

Get to the bottom of this and don't expect her to magically behave how you think she should. She obviously has a whole different scenario of how things should be in HER head and since you're not conforming to it, she's acting weird. Get on the same page. There's probably a lot of common ground you guys can find.