Got Yelled at from My Husband.

If they are just friends, no problem. My oldest had all guy friends. Didn't want to deal with the girl drama. Now a happy, perfectly content, well rounded adult.

I am not entirely sure what your question is here.

Would I let my 11 year old hang out with kids (of opposite sex) for 2 hours while I make them lunch? Were they supposed to be at school? I don't really follow.

I say "no" to my kids. You have to have rules and boundaries. Life is much easier if you do.

You say you don't want to be 'mean' (earlier post) but it's not about being mean. It's about being in control and having respect. You're the adult. Kids want/need someone to be in charge.

You're the the adult.

Hubby yelling at you? Does he do that often? Again - you're an adult - you stand up to him. Boundaries. Say "stop it". Walk away. If it's a regular thing, that's a bigger issue.

I get you are you too tired to stay with them at school. Can they not stay at school without you? If not, then allow your granddaughter to be home with one friend, or two max. Tell the boys to go. Your granddaughter may be upset for 10 minutes. Tough. She'll get over it.

He has no business yelling at you. If he doesn't like her out in the yard without you supervising, he should do the supervising.

That being said, you shouldn't be giving her your smartphone. I know you're tired, but she should not have all that freedom.

If your granddaughter is staying with you indefinitely, you need to change the arrangements. Her mother should be taking care of her. Don't be a pushover here.

Well, I would allow a 10 year old to invite a few friends over, either gender. If she wanted to have 3 friends over for lunch, I would expect some advance notice. Unless I am able to spontaneously offer something already on hand at home. Maybe I'd order a pizza if I was feeling generous.

Personally, It wouldn't ever take a couple of hours for me to make a lunch for kids. It would be quick and easy. If there are kids of opposite gender, then I think the front yard, or any other public space you can supervise IS the right place to hang out.

No, I would not let any child have my iPhone all day, or at all even. Let her use a landline to talk to her peers. Talking to boys is normal. Little crushes are normal. If her conversations are lasting for hours, give her some time limits. Also, there are more appropriate ways for a 10 year old to listen to music and play games that do not include using your personal phone.

I'm not sure what kind of school event allows 10 year old's to be in attendance unsupervised. My kids' school would not have allowed that. That's something you need to check on before just dropping off your grand-daughter and her friends. My kid's elementary school used to have movie nights, but it was a family activity. Dropping kids off unsupervised was not allowed.

I wonder if your husband is just a little freaking out that you've allowed boys as guests in your yard/home. He may think that's not appropriate for a 10 year old. But as long as you are supervising closely, he needn't worry. It's a small group of friends of both genders. You aren't hosting a romantic date for your grandchild and a "boyfriend"

I think he's out of line yelling at you about what you are "trying to do" After things cool down, I'd want to see if he can have a calm and mature discussion about the concerns he has so you both can come together on the same page with some rules/boundaries

I liked having the kids around – I liked getting to know them and learn what they are interested in. I liked knowing where they were and who they were with. If your granddaughter lives with you, then she’s going to need to have friends over. Simple.

I think it’s fine that they were sitting in the front yard with 2 boys. Kids who are 10 (not “almost 11” – ten!) are starting to talk about “going out” but they don’t really go anywhere. If they’re sitting and talking, they’re developing social skills. This is a good thing. They were in full view of you, your husband and the neighbors.

Now, why it took 2 hours to make lunch, I don’t know. If you’re that ill, and the kids are 10, I don’t see why they couldn’t be in the kitchen making their own lunches with you just telling them where the cold cuts and mayo are kept. It actually makes kids feel welcomed, and it saves you the work while building life skills. Praise them for doing a good job and don’t criticize if they don’t do it just as you would.

If your husband was so worried about what they were doing, he had 3 options: 1) Hang out in the front yard, pruning bushes or raking leaves or painting windowsills or adjusting the flag on the mailbox. Anything to put him near them so he could show himself to be a friendly guy and also keep an eye/ear on them. 2) Help his disabled wife make the lunches and do the driving. 3) Send the boys home after an hour (nicely, saying the girls had stuff to do and saying they can come back another time), and bring the girls inside to help make the lunches himself. (Assuming you were only driving the girls to the school, not the boys – I’m still not clear why they had the day off but also had an assembly and why there was an issue of you staying or not staying at school.) In any case, none of the above options including yelling at you!

Now, you have already said that you are giving her your smart phone too much. I get that you are tired and it’s just easier to say, “Here, honey, you can play with this.” But you know you aren’t helping her, and you’re giving her too much unsupervised access to the internet. She’s 10. She doesn’t need a phone. She can start doing some more chores, as others have said, to develop more adult skills (start with laundry, which is easy for her and probably hard for you, and it will make her take better care of her clothes). As she shows more and more maturity, you can look at limited phone access. But she has to earn that, not just have you hand it to her because you are tired.

Is he worried about your granddaughter “going astray” and being like her mother? Does he blame you for the girl’s mother’s problems? If so, why? That issue between you MUST be resolved!! His disrespect is unacceptable. You shouldn’t put up with it, and he shouldn’t be demonstrating that level of authoritarianism.

And an uninvolved and non-nurturing father/grandfather is more likely to push her into the arms of any boy who appears to be understanding and supportive. So your husband’s unacceptable nonsense is more likely to guarantee that your granddaughter goes down the wrong path. If, on the other hand, she were to see a helpful and hands-on grandfather who is CALM and CARING and RESPECTFUL of women, and who does meal prep and laundry and child care, she’d be more likely to seek that in her boyfriend choices.

If this is the pattern in your house, I think you and your husband need marriage counseling and parenting classes to help this girl who has a rough start in life. I’m sure she’s missing her mom (no matter how ineffective her mother is at parenting) and it doesn’t help to feel that she’s not only with her grandparents, she’s with one who has limited energy. Kids think anyone over 40 is old anyway, so they confuse disability with age. I hope you’re getting some better help with your health issues, and I really hope your husband learns to be a better support for you. You seem totally overwhelmed and you must get support from professionals as well as your husband.

Sounds like your husband is worried she will go down the same path as her mom. Obviously there is a reason she is with you and not her. How old are the boys? Does she see them as friends or boyfriends? Do you trust the girl she hangs out with? Is your granddaughter 10 going on 11 or 10 going on "i wish I were 16"? It really depends on her personality. I don't think a 10 yr old needs a smartphone or boyfriend. I would find things she likes and sign her up....art classes, soccer, tennis, softball, horseback riding lessons, scouting, photography classes, swimming or diving, clubs at school. Just find something she enjoys so she doesn't have to rush the growing up stuff.

As for you, 55 is not that old. I hope you are getting medical help for your health issues. And start teaching your granddaughter some life skills and have her help you out a bit. It will be good bonding time and teach her compassion and empathy.

He's having a dad moment. She's going to be around this boy one way or the other. The more you include him in family things and have him to your home the more control you have over the situation.

Sitting out in the yard, what are they going to do? Go hide in the bushes and make out? Or are they going to sit out there where everyone in the neighborhood can see them and have a good time?

I think you're doing fine. I am a grandparent raising a granddaughter and I can tell you that I'm much more lenient with her than I was with her mom. I was so stuck in "be the mom" that I forgot to enjoy her, to spend time with her just doing stuff. Older parents understand this so much more.

I don't bother with timing the electronics. Their life is going to be lived on them and our way of life is slowly dwindling away. If you need to limit her time on her phone then of course that's your choice. It won't hurt a thing to go either way.

I wonder why you're so tired? Do you get enough rest? Have you had a check up? It sounds like you are barely moving and unable to do much. I'm so sorry that's going on.

I don't think you are ready to raise a grandchild child for the long haul. You admit that you suffer from chronic pain, you are disabled, and you are mentally exhausted at 55 yrs old. If you had a supportive husband on the same page as you, perhaps as a team this would work out. Clearly, your husband has far different ideas about how kids should be raised and is not going to help you in any way other than to yell at you.

Additionally, you need to take a look at WHY your daughter is not capable of raising her own daughter. IF it could possibly be due to your failures as a parent raising her, what makes you think that you are going to do a better job this time around, plus you have all these medical issues on top of that. Some grandma's did a great job of raising their kids and still end up raising grandkids, but sometimes, all you are doing is perpetuating the cycle.

Call the mother and if she is not able to provide proper parenting to her daughter, you need to reach out to social services to discuss a foster care situation. What are you going to do when you are 62 and this girl is running wild at 17? You are already too exhausted now . . .

My grandchildren bring their friends to my house all the time - no matter the gender. I love it. IMHO, 10 or 11 is too young for a phone and I would not give mine to any one of my grandchildren for the day. Also IMHO, 11 years old is much too young to be on the phone for hours with one particular boy. That sounds like a boyfriend and I do not allow boyfriends/girlfriends at that age.

I'm sorry your husband yelled at you. He may be thinking that you are condoning a boyfriend at this age, and IMHO that is really what it appears to be. This girl obviously does not have a "father figure" in her life - she will be promiscuous so you need to get a really tight leash on her where boys are concerned. She is looking for that unconditional love in all the WRONG places.