Giving a Warning Before Discipline

First time obedience is hard to achieve 100% of the time. We use "Love & Logic" and if you read the book or take one of the classes, you'll hear that they don't believe in warnings, simply for the reason you've stated -- the kids become trained not to obey until the second time around :-).

Also, I've noticed that obedience, and enforcing obedience, gets much easier as your child gets older. Things really are TONS easier with my daughter now that she's 4 compared to when she was 3.

There are a couple things that can help here:
What I've found helps the best with my kiddos is to take it back a step and begin ANYTHING with a prep talk -- and the kid has to be looking right at you, with no distractions. Before I enter the kitchen to prepare a meal I get them to look me in the eye, and I say exactly what steps will take place. They can't handle too many details, but something like "I'm going to get your breakfast ready. When I say "breakfast is ready" you may come sit in your chair." If we're going anywhere in the car I have them recite the "rules of the car" before I leave the driveway (no fighting, keep your feet in your own seat...).
If we're going to a friend's house, to Chuck E Cheese, the neighborhood pool, if I lay out what is expected beforehand, the whole experience is nicer and they are much more compliant. Just yesterday I took them to the pool and before we left the house I had them both look at me while I told them, "We are going to have fun at the pool, but we do have to come home after a while. When I say "Time to go!" I want you to get your towels and dry off. If you don't come home the happy way, we will not be able to have fun at the pool tomorrow."
Man! What a difference! Rather than carrying them both away from the pool kicking and screaming, they hopped out, grabbed their towels and floaties and walked to the car. My 2 yr old even said "We will come back tomorrow?" He remembered the prep talk!!

The other thing that should happen (I say "should" because I am horrible with consistency, but it works when I can stick to it) is there should be a consequence for not obeying right away. If you get a jar of marbles, he could earn marbles for doing good things, helping mommy, doing something nice for his brother, etc., but you take marbles away for disobeying. Maybe he has a treasured collection of cars and you take cars away every time. Then maybe give him a chance to earn them back each time he obeys right away. A good consequence is losing a playdate or trip to a fun place. We've had to cancel trips to the library because "I can't go to the library with kids who don't obey." So, instead of going in to play and hear story time, I just run to the book drop to return our books.

We like to say that the way to obey is "Right away, all the way, the happy way." My 4 yr old can recite this little rhyme now. You have to start with one part of it though and work on that for a while. So, maybe start with "right away" and even make a game of it.
In order to come when she's called (instead of dawdling or saying "but I'm doing___"), I told her that I wanted to help her remember to obey right away so she wouldn't get in trouble as much. Then I told her we could play a game so she could practice coming right away. She would stand in one part of the house while I went somewhere else. It was kind of like hide-and-seek, only I was pretty easy to find. When I was out of sight I called her name and her job was to say "Yes Mommy, I'm coming!" When she found me I'd tackle her with hugs and kisses. You could also give stickers or something. I know it sounds a lot like training a puppy, but...well...it IS a lot like training a puppy :-).
At any rate, the game worked. We're actually going to do some practice runs this weekend on getting into and out of the car. It's soo frustrating that it takes 20 minutes to load up in this heat, and that they dawdle and mess around when it's time to get back in the house! I'm hoping that some drills will smooth things out.
We also played a "stop and go" game to teach the kids how to STOP when we say STOP (we'd run back and forth across the back yard or up and down the sidewalk while taking turns yelling "stop" and "go"). I'm glad I did because just last week my 2 yr old was headed out into the street and was too far away for me to get to him quick enough. I yelled "Joel, STOP!" and he stopped in his tracks before he got off the curb.

Hope some of this helps!

I'm not sure what you mean by a "warning." I, too, am a Love and Logic fan, but the idea of a warning can have two meanings. The warning that doesn't help is this, "If you do that again,...." The warning that does help is this, "I'm setting the timer because you have five more minutes to play, and then we have to put the toys away. When the timer says five minutes is up, I will come in here and we will put the toys away." Put the timer where the child can see it and hear it.
Three years olds need a "warning" about transitions. Most 3 year olds have no sense of time which is why setting a timer to reinforce the time limit is helpful. Also, it is the timer that is ending the play time, not the Mom. I'm not saying that you will find this the peaceful, happy transition you seek every time, but eventually, it will start to make a difference.
A second source that can help with discipline is www.parentmagic.com. The author has a different approach that the Love and Logic system, but it is equally effective. I have used a blend of the two approaches with my children. I used the 1-2-3 Magic book when my children were younger, and now lean toward Love and Logic.
Like the other parents, the hardest part of disciplining my children has been to discipline myself not the yell, lecture or hit. For many parents dealing with a three year old is more difficult than dealing with a two year old. I think it is because the three year old is very verbal, and we fall into a trap that surely if he can express himself so well with his words, surely, he can "understand" me. He may be able to understand the words, but his ability to think logically and about consequences is very limited. Besides getting a book or CD about discipline, I think it is helpful to also learn about child development. T. Berry Brazelton has some good books on that subject. Best wishes.

C.,

I am so excited to hear that you want to teach self-control and choices and empower your children in that way!!! Believe me, it works!!! There is wonderful material from Dr.Gary Landreth at the University of North Texas that comes from the discipline of Play Therapy. One of Dr. Landreth's tools is ACT and Dr. Landreth has a GREAT video tool called "Cookies, Choices and Kids" that is wonderful to teach ACT and further discusses this philosophy of teaching children self-control and choices. Anyway, ACT-
(Example)- Response to sibling fighting.
A- Acknowledge the Feeling
"I know you are frustrated and you are so mad that you feel like hitting your brother." (COnnecting with where your child is coming from.)

C - Communicate the Limit
"Your brother is not for hitting."

T - Target an alernative action (CHOICE)
"You can choose to hit a pillow if you feel like hitting something."

You go through this 3 times or less if child is able to make a choice or make other appropriate choice. If not, than you have an ultimate consequence.

"I see you are choosing to lose your TV time for this morning (or afternoon)...however, it applies...or "I see you are choosing time out." (Whatever your ultimate consequence needs to be for your child and what is age / developmentally appropriate.)

Children need repetition because they are developing / learning and a warning of three times is effective but putting in the words "You are choosing"...gets the dialogue in their head that they are responsible for their behaviour and their consequences and they can make good choices...and we parents have to be intentional and bringing awarneness to when they are using self-control and making good choices "I see you know just how to behave." "Look how patient you know how to be." They love it! Children LOVE positive feedback. Don't we all???? Parenting - what a journey...and an incredible learning experience! In the words of Paul, "Forgetting what is behind...I press on...." Blessings, K.

Check out www.LoveandLogic.org...it is a wonderful program that gives ways to accmoplish what you are describing.

Good luck!

M.
"Our family doctor misses us. So does the pharmacist."
www.M..NetworkMarketingCentral.com

I love LOVE and LOGIC! I was finding myself crying weekly feeling like I had "failed" as a mother. We have started LOVE and LOGIC and I feel like a "good" mother again! Not to say our son is back to being perfect :) but we are definitely heading in the right direction.

You have to really approach it on a case-by-case basis. If it's an infraction that he well knows is wrong, then I say forgo any warning and go straight to punishment. The way it was explained to me in very simple terms is this: If you spit into the wind, there's no warning when it comes back to hit you in the face. That's life, and that's inescapable truth.
If you know it's an infraction that is difficult for him to manage at his age, current health (is he coming down with a cold, etc)or current level of cognition, one warning done in a no-nonsense way is fine. No sweet Lullaby Lady voice. The bad habit most parents get into is the constant warning and excuse-making, but never any consequences (other than having to listen to us yammer on about what we're "going to do." LOL)and you know that's not doing your child or you any favors. Best of luck!

we did the same thing as you are doing and came to the same realization as you as far as always giving the warning. we solved it by giving no more warnings. as soon as he did not listen or ignore our request, we immediately got up to take him to time out. yes, we explained to him that he gets no more warnings, that it is time to listen the first time. i would say within 2 weeks there were no more issues. it worked for us and i mentioned it to a friend and it worked for her. my son is 3 1/2, but we dealt with this many months ago.

you are on the right track!
J.

You might want to look at "Love and Logic". There are books and classes, etc on the subject. Some of what they preach is not explaining everything to the child. So you don't have to explain why you are changing the rules, it is just so. Give your child the opportunity to make the right choice and then he just suffers the consequence, or makes the right choice. No questions asked. I know it seems a little harsh, but kids do understand... and if they don't, they learn quick. It's frustrating to feel like you are doing the right thing, and then something like this happens. You seem like a nice, caring mother. I am sure that you are doing just fine!! :)

Unless you just hit him without warning, I think all kids are like this. With my daughter I count to three and if she don't listen then the punishment takes place. She always waits right before I say three before she even starts moving. Sometimes at 1 but rarely. Kids test your boundries and know what they can and cannot get away with and how long before they can get away with it. If any kid listen the first time, they would be an angel.

My husband and I are learning Love and Logic....they say NO to warnings. (and no you don't hit them without warning...hopefully that is not the first form of discipline). Look into their materials....you are correct in thinking he should listen without a warning. We do not challenge our children enough and actually we limit their intelligence by using warnings, explaining their behavior to them, etc. Great material and will definitely help you see how to get it going.

At this point, he's probably learned that he doesn't have to listen until the 2nd time you say it. We had the same problem with our oldest- we wanted to give her time to "choose right", by counting to 3. She picked up really quickly that she didn't have to obey until we got to 2- sometimes they are thinking one step ahead of us! Anyway- just stop warning on the thinks you KNOW he knows not to do. (don't play on the stairs, don't pull the dog's tail, etc) If he's been in trouble for it more than once before- he should have learned his lesson by now. No more warnings- immediate time out for the choice to disobey. If its a new thing, I'd still explain and warn, but only once. It took our oldest a couple of weeks, but it did turn around once we started trying to correct the problem! Good Luck