Getting over Irritations

My answer was always work. I mean if cleaning needed to be done in the kitchen, I did it. If stuff needed to be cooked I did it. It got me out of earshot and I didn't have to bite my tongue so much.

Bring a puzzle, do you crochet? Something to keep you busy.

I might have to slip in a "too bad you could make it to my wedding".

"I'll start this with I know I should just suck it up and get over it, as what's done is done."

"I know I'm annoyed about something that didn't happen and I need to get over it."

Sounds to me like you know what to do here.

I don't know how not attending a Bar-B-Que is not an option when not attending your wedding was apparently an option.

I wouldn't go if I thought I were going to have to be stressed, frustrated and angry all day. And truly if they ask why you didn't show up, I'd be very honest and matter-of-fact about it. Because we really didn't want to discuss the wedding. Hubby and I are hurt over the fact that you went to his wedding and not ours and we really don't want to hear about it.

Don't you feel a cold coming on? :)
Seriously, just send your husband to the BBQ with your excuses. I do it all the time. Then spend an afternoon pampering yourself. That's the best way to stick it to them.

Just sending hugs. What a craptacular situation.

I do agree with finding ways to keep busy. It might be obnoxious to some, but I love the non-committal answers which are meant to JUST acknowledge someone when then are speaking: "Hmmmm", "Well, that's something else, huh?" "How's about that?" "Oh, how nice for them" etc. I have some crazy-making relatives within my own family and just remembering "this is really not about you, this is about them and their dysfunction-- I can't change anything here, even if it is messed up"... this actually gives me a lot of comfort. People like this are really pretty terrible. Nothing you can say to them is going to make them see how awful they've been or will make them admit their prior mistakes. Boy, do I get it. So-- stay busy, stay politic as much as you can, and just "that's great for them" or 'that was so nice for them'... any digs about 'oh you should have seen...' then just "um-hmm" acknowledgement. The nice thing about kids, too, is that I have found that they can be a great distraction. "Oh, I forgot to...." and run off to care for one of your kiddos.

We know you as a pretty neat lady around here, ProudPan. Too bad your in-laws are choosing to miss out.

That is crappy...

I would plan on a glass or two of wine there and always being busy with the kids.

That being said, you can only bite your tongue so much. If they dare say anything about not being able to come to your wedding, then I might have to correct them.

Okay:
So your In-Laws are dysfunctional...and especially your MIL and she is Alcoholic.... So, being that you "know" that... there is no point in wishing things were different.
Because, it never, will, be.

So, anytime you have a family gathering that you HAVE to attend despite, just fake it and show face, then leave as soon as you can.
And just know that inside yourself, you are not them.
Nor will you be like them.
Because even if you/your Husband were PERFECT, why on earth, would you even want to have their approval? Because, their sense of approval is patronizing?
And their opinions is patronizing and denigrating.
So, why would you even want, their "approval" anyway?

Go. Gush about how lovely the bride looked in her gown in the photos and how sorry you were to miss it. Say nothing else about your own frustrations.

It's just not worth it.

If it gets downright silly with the discussion of how great of a time they had, excuse yourself and go "check on the kids." Spend time having fun with them.

Try to have a good time and just let this go.

psychic shielding.
i'm a pretty weird chick, and most of my in-laws (hell, some of my own family) tend to roll the hairy eyeball my way. i'm also pretty solitary and have finally given myself permission to skip most things that i won't enjoy and where my presence won't be appreciated.
that being said, there ARE some things you just have to attend.
so get your mental boundaries in place, spray them liberally with plenty of astral teflon, and let it all bounce off. plaster a pleasant smile on your mug, and have a plentiful store of pleasant meaningless noncommittal comments on hand. busy yourself whenever possible with cleaning up.
most of all, release expectations of acceptance. it probably won't happen, and isn't necessary. at some point you'll age into a mellow live-and-let-live with them (or maybe not, but you don't have to care.)
they're not going to change. but your reactions to them can.
good luck, mama!
khairete
S.

Sorry that you're in this situation. Family is a wonderful thing and can be an equally horrible thing because it's something that you can't just walk away from, especially if it's your husbands family and he's not up for doing that. My advice would be that if you HAVE to go to the party, then go with a smile on your face and "do not engage". That's become my mantra over the years. Go, smile politely, answer their questions with a short and to the point answer and leave it at that. It's going to suck, no way around it but it sounds like your husband wants to be there and this is important to him so as his wife, like you said, "suck it up". Again, sorry that you're in this situation... it sucks. Good luck to you!

Don't skip it. Go with brownies and be polite! Don't stoop.

Some parents play favorites. It stinks. But it's your husband's problem with is own parents - they didn't come to the wedding, they don't accept or value you, and you are powerless to do anything about it. I'm not sure if your husband should stand up for you more, or if that's pointless because they aren't the type of people to respond.

It's also possible, on some level, that they LEARNED from skipping your wedding that it was lousy, and they vowed not to do it with the 2nd son.

But nothing you can do will make them able to attend your wedding, right? You have to let go because the person you are punishing is yourself. Anger eats us up and makes us the people we don't want to be.

You obviously feel that it's wrong to penalize your BIL for what his parents did or didn't do, so staying home is not going to help that. I mean really, why shouldn't any couple be able to talk about their fabulous event? That's what you would have wanted for yourselves, so why deprive HIM and his wife?

In fact, it may be even more powerful if you go, listen to all the stories, say how much you would have loved to be there (don't go on about cost), and just revel in the details. Smile and take the high road. When appropriate, you can look at your husband and say, "Oh remember at our wedding when X happened? What wonderful memories!" and be sure your husband is in on this and participates. Hold hands and show the inlaws and everyone else what a great match you are, how fun you both are, how much you love each other. Then say to your BIL and his wife that you are so glad they have such great stories and photos too.

You can show the others the right way to act, and not let bitterness eat you up. But you cannot go through life avoiding family functions because you are mad at 2 of the people there (unless everyone is toxic and that's the path you choose, no contact, no celebrations).

It's not exactly the same thing, but my husband's ex was always horrible to me, and to him. When their oldest daughter got married, the ex's sister through a HUGE shower (I'm talking 60 people)!! I got a token invitation and no one else in my family did (not my mother, nobody). I agonized like you are. I know the ex is a big phony and has few friends so most of the guests were friends of the bride & groom. But I went - head held high, looking as fabulous as I could muster, and was super charming and funny and interested in everyone else. Knocked everyone's socks off. If I hadn't gone, it would have confirmed what she's said about me. This way, people got to see the real me.

If you stay home, it confirms that the inlaws are right, that you aren't the type of classy person or good wife they expect. If you go and behave as you wish they would, you will be true to yourself and show them a lesson much more important than staying home would do.

I SO agree with Cheryl B. You do NOT have to go to this BBQ.

I do think that if you ever decide to say ANYTHING to them, you should use the words "your SON'S wedding" rather than "my wedding".

And if you go to this BBQ, I would walk away every single time the inlaw's have a thing to say about this. It will help you get through the day. If your inlaws actually seek you out and say anything about you not being willing to hear about your BIL's wedding, you should have your piece, quietly and bluntly in terms of the hurt and pain and unfairness they have shown to their son who they are supposed to love as much as their other children. Don't stand there and listen to their excuses either.

Don't worry about meeting up to your MIL's standards. Ignore that. This is really about their disrespect to their son.

Why is it not an option to skip it? If you MUST go, then keep the topic elsewhere when you're talking (make a list of other random topics to bring up) and walk away whenever anyone is being annoying. I do it all the time with my in laws (alcoholic MIL too), I RARELY go anywhere near them and if I HAVE to, I keep the high road, keep interactions brief and just keep moving away from the awful banter. I smile and make an exit every time someone starts in on me with some ridiculous freaking perspective on something. I just don't have time for it anymore. They suck as humans.

Again. You should just keep away imo.

You can turn this around.
It's just a matter of how you look at it.
You'd like their approval but to you they don't show it.
If you give yourself permission to stop seeking it - it could be a really freeing experience.
Once you 'get' that they won't treat you like they treat your BIL no matter what you do - you can be yourself - you can not even try to bend over backwards - you can sip several Margaritta's - enjoy a few games of corn hole - enjoy the food - and pretty much ignore anything they say as long as you smile, nod, make friendly noises/small talk and let it all slide right off you.
If you can't please them you might as well please yourself.
Life's too short not to have some fun!

It sounds like you have been married for a while but are still hurt by their not attending your wedding. Really? It is past time to just get over that and go on with your life. Holding onto anger is only hurting you. I guarantee that they do not continue to give it a single thought. You are already upset expecting that they will be discussing another family wedding they did attend. Can you see where you are setting yourself up for anger and hurt before the event even happens? Life is not fair and we are all hurt at times, but holding onto it and playing it over again for years is not normal. Please see someone to discuss how to let go of the past and be happy in the present.

Is this a pattern of behavior for them, or just one (big) sleight? You mention that you know you don't fit what they think a wife should be, and the SIL does... what is that all about? There must be more background than you have shared. Otherwise, it seems like it wouldn't be as difficult for you to do what you say you know you should (suck it up). Is there more?

If it is a pattern with them, then you need to discuss with your husband how he wants to deal with it. It's his parents, after all. If this is a pattern, then the two of you will want to decide how to manage these toxic people. If it is not a pattern, then let it go and try to assume the best.
Maybe, as another poster mentioned, they learned from their mistake of missing yours and your husband's wedding. ? And if that is not the case, letting them see you so upset over their absence, just feeds whatever dysfunction they are fomenting.