Frustrated and Then Throwing Things Away

What will she learn about making rash decisions if you keep the polish and give it back to her when she's changed her mind?

More or less than if she can't get it back?

If it were me, I'd probably have pulled the newer polish out and kept it for myself. No sense in letting good polish go to waste. But I wouldn't give it back.

I'm not always one to push harsh punishments, consequences, whatever. But this one seems made to order. She will learn her lesson, and she won't suffer that, that much from suddenly having no nail polish in her life. She sounds like she needs to learn that no matter how frustrated you are, you still have to think before you act. So let her learn that now, before she tells her friends she's never talking to them again, flushes her wedding ring down the toilet in the middle of a run-of-the-mill marital fight -- you get the idea.

I think what I would do is keep them hidden until she wants them again. Then she can buy them back from you via her money or chores. That way she has to "pay" but it's staying in the family. And tell her you're not always going to do this. She needs to start learning a lesson. She likely will grow out of it. But I don't have experience with 12 year olds yet. ;)

The only way impulsive or temperamental people learn anything is to experience the consequences of being impulsive or temperamental.

Take it from someone who knows what she is talking about.

It's better that she learn this with nail polish rather than a husband down the road. ;)

I'd also try to make sure there wasn't something wrong beneath the surface. Otherwise do not lecture or nag her whatsoever about this, even if she's beating herself up. Let her draw her own conclusions.

I'd start using them and enjoying them. If she asks you, say that you hate to waste good polish so you grabbed them for yourself since she didn't want them. Maybe she could "borrow" some sometime.

I'm all for consequences.
I'm not all for pi$$ing money into the wind.

http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2011/10/teenage-brains/...
Please read this.
It is an article in the National Geographic Magazine, about Teenage brains/how they think and why, etc.
I have this issue. I am keeping it. It is a keeper.

Even if you kept SOME of the bottles for her... ya know, they are rarely even satisfied. At this age they find many things as to why, it is still not fine. Even if you are trying to help them.

I am sure, she knows about the pitfalls of making rash decisions. By now.
So, she probably won't listen to you talk about it.
She always tends to make rash, decisions.
DOES SHE, even KNOW that about HERSELF?
That is, the problem.
Too.
She needs to know, herself. Pro's and con's.
So that, this awareness will also help her, to manage, her reactions.... to things.
I would ALSO work on, with her... about knowing herself. Because if she does, then as she gets older and more Teenage-like... she will have more awareness and HOPEFULLY, be better at DISCERNING things... for herself.... and reflect upon herself. And in light of any social issues/situations, she may encounter. Even if that is just herself. Having a fit.
Many kids, at these ages, do not or cannot, reflect upon themselves. Nor do they know, themselves. And so, any "decision" making they do... may be irrational.
But if a person is grounded and knows themselves... then, that is a huge step ahead. And then, they can perhaps be more rational and, learn to COPE with things.
Teach her, coping skills, as well.
Some adults don't even have that skill.
It is taught. Not inherent.

Maybe a good idea for her would be to have a journal so she can write things in it. ABOUT herself.
Not writing at or about other people... but about HERSELF.
Kids need to know, themselves.

Well, my nearly 14 yr. old is a lot like your daughter. Ugh, right?! My daughter decided to throw out all her art supplies once. This stuff is not cheap and I knew she'd cool down eventually and be upset that she threw them out. I did what you did. :) I got them out and "hid" them for about 3 months. She wanted to paint again about 2 wks. after the incident, but I kept my mouth closed that I had rescued the canvases, paints, brushes, etc... I wanted her to understand that there are consequences for our actions. She was sad for those few months and didn't have money saved for new materials, so when I brought them all out, she was very thankful and it hasn't happened again since.
I think you did good. :) She will probably appreciate that you got them out - at some point!

Whew... teens. I wish they could be as level headed as WE were at that age! lol ;-)

I have an impulsive daughter too so I get it.
But it's not always a good idea to rescue our children from themselves. And she's 12, not 4, she's old enough to understand cause and effect. How else will she learn if not for natural consequences? Do you think her teachers, or future employers, will bail her out because she tore up her work in a moment of frustration? Of course not. This is a skill you need to teach her, and there's simply no way to do it nicely. You threw out your polish = it's all gone = think about it next time.
Some kids just have to learn the hard way :-(

Only 12?
She's for sure old enough to learn that her actions have consequences. The fact that puberty is beginning and she's got the "teen brain" makes it especially important. She's going to be held accountable for her actions more and more at school and in public. It's your job to make sure she understands that.
You throw something away? It's gone. End of story. You can be empathetic but unless she suffers the loss there's no lesson learned, no reason for her to stop and think before doing something rash the next time she gets frustrated.
Do her (and the rest of the people she comes in contact with) a favor and let her learn from her mistakes. No one wants to be around someone impulsive and temperamental.

I think this was a great opportunity to have taught her that rash actions lead to permanent consequences.

In this case, was the risk involved in losing the nail polish greater than the lesson which might have been learned? For me, no. She loses out because of her destructive behavior in a moment of frustration.

Sometimes, protecting our kids means letting them screw up in small ways. If she had the opportunity later to feel the remorse and regret her action, it might curb her from doing something that rash again. Knowing that mommy won't always bail her out (esp. when you did try to reason with her) is a valuable experience.

And no, I wouldn't bring it up until she does. Then, just tell her "yeah, it's hard when we make a decision when we're mad. I think it's better to just stop and then make that choice later when you've had time to cool off." If it were me, I would throw them away instead of being the 'broker' between she and the nail polish, so that she doesn't transfer her anger about it to you. ("Why won't you just give it to me? You're just being mean!") I also wouldn't even mention any other monetary lessons--she KNOWS when she spends her money on nail polish again and what it costs. Trying to teach any more on this will only subvert the experience because she'll feel like you are rubbing it in her face instead of it being something she did to herself.

Also, I wonder, is your girl a perfectionist? Here's an article which might be helpful regarding helping very smart kiddos accept that while some things are easy, other challenges should be met head on and not avoided....that those things only serve to make us stronger:(not saying you are doing the over-praising they describe, but just regarding the 'I quit' attitude when things are hard)

http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

I would throw away all the bottles NOW. she made a decision. She threw them away. Does not get them back. Trust me next time she will think twice about throwing a fit n throwing things out. She is 12. She knows exactly what she is doing. You say she is o ly 12 like she is a baby. If you give them back you are encouraging her bad behavior.

I agree with Lee Lee S. At 12, she's old enough to begin learning how to control her temper. I get that the adolescent brain is still forming and that this is normal, but I also think that allowing this behavior perpetuates it.

I would have told my daughter that nail polish is a "want", not a "need", so if she wants new polish in the future, she can buy it with her own money. I would also tell her that I am no longer going to risk spending my money on her next tantrum. And then I would stand by my decision (even though it will be really hard!!).

So no, I would not give it back. Keep the polish that you rescued for yourself and hope that she gets a life lesson from this.

I'm sorry that you are stuck in this position- I think you sound like an awesome mom and that you will do the right thing! Good luck!

"...we've all made decisions we regretted." BUT we regretted them because we had to suffer the consequences of those decisions. If you take the consequence away she won't learn.

I'm in the camp that says, let her throw them away and when they are gone, they are gone, and maybe she will learn her lesson. Don't buy her any more unless she is buying more herself with her own money. Better she learn something the hard way with something like nail polish, then with something much bigger that she can't so easily remedy.

I would have told her that throwing them away was not an acceptable option because it was wasteful. I would have told her that if she no longer wants them then she needs to sell them, give them away or donate them, but that we do not throw perfectly good, reusable items in the trash. Especially if she did not purchase them herself!

Walk away. It's not your problem. I agree, use the polish for yourself since you were smart enough to rescue from the trash or donate it if you don't want it. I sure wouldn't buy her more, but don't agonize over this. She was having a bratty 12 yr old moment. Don't play into it by giving her more attention for it. Ignore.

I think that she might not do her nails again until she is older. The nail polish is kind of incidental here. The problem is her impulsivity and her actions.

If I were you, I would require her to pay you for throwing things away. It costs YOU money to buy things for her. She doesn't equate pitching perfectly good stuff because of her tiffs as disrespectful of you, but you need to teach her now that it is. If you don't, this is going to escalate. It's not a good practice for her to get into.

It doesn't matter that she is 12. You still need to teach her. She's probably out of school now and you have time to put her to work to earn the money to pay you back. Don't make the jobs fun, C.. Make it so that she thinks twice about having these little hissy fits. I would also do it if she wants you to pay for her to participate in an activity, and then she acts like this about the activity.

You'll be doing her a favor in the longrun, though I'm sure this is going to be hard instituting. Hang on for the ride, but perservere.

I would wait until she asks for new nail polish.

Well..... the next time you go to the store, and she talks about wanting some new nail polish, ask her... "What about all that nail polish you just threw away? Let's see.... 25 bottles at $XX per bottle... how much money did you just throw away?"

You don't say whether she has to buy the nail polish with her own money, or if you buy her whatever she wants....

At any rate, with either scenario, point out how much that previous nail polish cost, and how she got mad and just threw it all away.... then ask HER what she thinks you should do.....

After you discuss it a while, see if she offers to either do some extra chores to pay back all that money that was wasted when she threw the nail polish away...... at that point, you can tell her that you did save some of the better bottles rather than wasting all that money.

give her a day or so to cool off, then show her the saved bottles and help her figure out a way to fix what was going wrong. If it was that she was getting polish on her skin show her the vaseline trick. In case you don't know it, if you use a small brush to put vaseline on the skin around your nail then if you get polish on your skin you simply wait for it to dry and wipe it off.

I think you did the right thing by taking the polish out but not letting her know that you did. Wait until she comes to you wanting more.
But I'm sure this is not just about fingernail polish. She is having a hard time controlling her emotions and how she reacts when things get tough.
I understand waiting until she has calmed down after one of her fits to have a talk with her about overreacting, and I'm sure by that point she probably feels pretty stupid for the way she handled the situation. But try to be more proactive, instead of waiting until she has another fit. She has little patience, so work with her on developing better patience. Play games that take great concentration and patience. She overreacts in situations, so 'role play' and have her develop the skill of staying calm in situations that she would normally overreact in.
I'm sure you've already had a talk with her about her body changing and how her hormones are going to be out of whack for a while, but you need to tell her that even though it will be harder for her, she is still expected to act like a young lady and obey the rules of the house, that even though she may 'feel' like she wants to throw a temper tantrum, she should 'know' its wrong and control herself. And then of course, help her by 'role playing' and having her paint her nails, or what ever else gets her to the point of throwing a fit, showing her how to fix the problem calmly and real importantly, that when she feels like she is getting upset to show her how to calm herself down and ask for help if need be.
Hope this helps, and good luck

I think you did what I would have done. She doesn't know you saved it, so no harm done to her, right? You can choose (or not ) at a later time to give them back.
Twelve year olds are SO hormonal! My own daughter told me 8 times today that she hated me. She was in a rage, and was just out of control. Of course she was punished, but not for the actual words. For her lack of respect in the way she spoke to me. I decided a long time ago not to become overly emotional about the actual words, because they are entitled to feel that way.

Nail polish isn't sentimental, and for the most part not that expensive. It's also a want, not a need. So I think I would throw it away, or give it away. It's inexpensive enough that your daughter could learn a good lesson by saving allowance or doing chores to earn enough money to replace it if and when she wants it back. I don't think you need to bring it up again at all. Wait for her to, if she does. I would empathize, but not rescue her from her choice. Hang it there, hormones are definitely kicking in.

I would absolutely talk to her about making decisions while upset and how it's always best to sleep on it.

I would NOT have allowed the throwing them all away...just on sheer principal of it being extremely wasteful and NOT cool! That part makes her sound a little bit like a spoiled brat, sorry Mom! I would have just taken them away from her then if she was dead set on throwing them away, that way she still would have learned the lesson that you are hoping she is going to learn.

---->But I am big on the whole 'Waste not-Want not' concept! In the very least she could have given them to her friends or Auntie or cousins or you even? Someone in the family that doesn't mind the germ factor, ya know?

I would probably start using the colors that I liked. I wouldn't mention it but I would probably give it back to her if she did ask and let her take it as a warning that next time you wont be digging through trash for her rash decisions.