Hi Moms,
I'm realizing why I never had many friendships...they are so much work! My friend K whom I've known for over 8 years finally became one of if not the only close friend I have. 8 months ago she baptized my baby girl! Our friendship was great! She was single & would come over weekly. Her ex boyfriend came back into the picture & she changed completely. She stopped calling,visiting & since her family doesnt approve of her relationship with him (he cheated on her & said horrible things to her family) she became for defensive. I tried to be a supportive friend & if she forgave him then why would I act like her family that cant even see him. To make a long story short, she hosted a pool party last Sunday at his house. We went with our 3 kids. Towards the end of party we got in Jacuzzi. Her boyfriend was inside (being anti social like always) he came out yelling at her to stop drinking. His best friend handed her a sip of his beer & her boyfriend came out again yelling "get the F#@& out!". We were in shock & his BF said your kidding right? He said no & started to clean up. We left immedietly. All she said was im sorry & put her head down. My kids were soaked wet, cold since we couldnt find our our towels. I felt horrible. I texted her to make sure she was ok. She later text me everythings fine. I told my husband that I didnt want to see her BF at my birthday this coming Sat. Well he sent her an email & she calls me yelling, screaming & hung up on me! She says she cant believe me. I tried texting her & calling & she doesnt want to talk. Am I wrong for uninviting him? I mean I dont want drama at my birthday & he clearly doesnt respect us so I am so devestated that now she is upset with me & wont let me explain. By the way she stopped talking to all her family ever since she has been with this guy. What should I do? Thanks in advance & sorry its so long :/
Edit: Omgosh Theresa...she did say it was all her fault. And made this problem not about him but about my husbands message to her which I read & stated that we love her a lot & are concerned for her. She says we disrespected her & her BF by uninviting them to my Vegas trip for my bday :( So sad.
Toni V- the Vegas trip is for my 30th bday & no we wernt drunk, it wasnt out of hand. My kids were there & since he kicked us out thats why we were all wet & we couldnt even get our towels since the kids were in & out of pool & other towels were everywhere. He is just controlling. She did nothing wrong. She was just sitting in the Jacuzzi
Thanks for the input. I am devestated to say the least. I sent her a text teling her I love her & I will always be there for her. She didnt reply. She hasnt reached out at all. I had a great time in Vegas & she didnt attend. I left out a part because it was getting so long but when she called me yelling she called me a two faced friend & so much more. She then went & called her "Bestie" & told her I said she was a two faced friend! Mind you I never said that. This is her best friend that doent approve of her boyfriend either. Her BF ends up attacking my Text messages & its all too childish for me. So the balls in her court. I tried to be mature about this but she doesnt want to fix it so then Im done trying. Her BF has done disrespectful things before & ive let them go for sake of argument but this one did it for us. He did something similar at my husbands 35th bday & its not acceptable for an Adut man to do this. He is 37 years old! Has an adut son. I'm over it.
I can't believe you are even questioning this! He screamed at you and your kids to get the F out...no wonder you don't want anything to do with him. Of course you are pissed. Your friend should be able to understand that his behavior was over the line and she should be apologizing to you.
Sounds like she is in a situation that she seriously needs to get out of...
Her boyfriend sounds like an ex of mine who was controlling and blew everything out of hand. You didn't disrespect her by uninviting him at all. It's your birthday party and you can invite whom you want. You may want to step back and let her find you. Once when she opens up her eyes and really see him for who he really is there really isn't a whole lot that you can do about it. She has to have something happen to her that will make her really and I do mean really look at what is important in her life.
I would send her an email and say that because of his actions in front of your KIDS, you do not feel comfortable around him any longer...which is why he is univited to your party. HOWEVER, you are still HER friend and would love to see her by herself. See if she is open to that, it sounds like she needs a friend since she doesn't have anyone else. But if she isn't willing to see you without him, then wash your hands of this situation. Only she can help herself, and she needs it. Good luck!
Oh dear, this is pretty textbook battered wife behavior. The girl needs help.
Not sure you CAN make her see.
It's up to you how to proceed.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battered_person_syndrome
:(
She ditched her own family for thisguy. Probably because they don't like him. Now you've made it clear you don't want to be around him. She'll ditch you, too. As much as you want to help her.. it's best to not let yourself get caught up in her drama.
Is your friend's family into drinking at all occasions? Las Vegas birthday party....usually involves drinking?? Does your friend's boyfriend think she drinks too much? What do you think?
I don't like the language he used AT ALL, but it sounds like the party was getting out of hand. You were wet and LOST your towels?
It seems like this "friendship" may have run it's course.
She sounds like she's in denial and can't see clearly or is choosing not to. Was he telling all of you to get the F out?? I'd do the same if I was you especially that your kids had to witness that! Who knows what he'd be capable of in Vegas.
I've had a couple of friends that I thought were great friends and then I just didn't even make an effort because of their behavior. Needless to say those friendships did not survive.
P.S. if you need a new friend to hang out with or take kids for a playdate I live not too far from you and i'm around your age;)
Keep your door open to her becuase when she comes to her senses she will need a friend. If the BF isn't a batterer he's got some kind of mental illness. TEll her you'll be available for her when she needs someone to talk to, a place to get away, a friend - and that she's always welcome to come by herself. But tell her you & your kids were freaked out and you're jsut being a protective mom to your kiddos. Blame it on your "mama bear" side.
My first thought is that this is an abusive relationship and she really needs your friendship.
I would not have uninvited him knowing that if he doesn't come, she won't either. I would put up with him so that I could offer support to her. For whatever reason, I just don't think he would have acted that way at someone else's home. I know what he did wasn't cool, especially since there were kids present, but he didn't get violent and I'm sure your kids are not traumatized.
She probably will not talk to you at all anymore. Just remembering back when I was in an abusive relationship. I was always embarassed so if something like this had happened and you texted me uninviting my SO/BF to a party, I would be too humilated to talk to you again.
Sometimes it's not about us; it's about others and they sometimes need to come first.
It doesn't sound like an out of control party. Not being able to find your belongings is typical of any party or get together. "Mom, I can't find my shoes." Heck I can't find my purse most days and I'm sober.
Are the kids traumatized? No, but I don't know for sure. They might. Hurt and confused. Probably and that's just not cool. I can't believe how HE acted either. You and your husband can't believe how HE acted either. It's understandable that you uninvited him.
Hosts don't scream at their guests and let them leave dripping wet. A good host would help find the towels. Something is wrong with this guy. Her family knows it. His friends know it. You know it.
Are you wrong for uninviting him?
It's your party. Sadly, under the circumstances, you felt you had to. But under the circumstances, I know there is no way she would have come if he was uninvited and it would have blown up. For him, it's a matter of honor to prevent his girlfriend from going also. You didn't realize that.
Of course she is upset about this. It IS insulting (too bad - bad behavior has real life consequences) and she's the one who has to deliver the news to her angry boyfriend "you aren't invited anymore." So he goes into a rage and what is she supposed to do with the anger and venom he spews at her? Break up with him? No. She "can't" because she's very bonded to him already (premarital sex does that). So she will take it out on the last friend she has. And blame your husband.
He's managed to anger her family and push them away. Oh great.
It would be nice if her family could have an intervention and sit her down and talk with her. She will not be "happy" if she stays with him.
What should you do now?
You tried talking to her. She can't believe you and your actions.
Whatever. Let this go.
You can still be her friend, but for now let this cool off.
Hopefully she'll get a clue.
She will probably cut you off, but you can't control that.
If she comes back to you, be there for her. She may cut you off, but you don't have to cut her out.
Theresa is right.
She needs you more than ever--at least to know you're there.
Keep your friends close (her) and your enemies even closer (him).
If he lays a HAND on her in your presence, call 9-1-1.
Please forgive me for saying, but the 1st thing i thought was, maybe to him you overstayed your welcome. He may have been looking for a calm end to the night, or to clean up, or to be alone with his significant other.
You saying that friendships are a lot of work is sad to me. Maybe you have not had the right friends? Maybe it wasnt a two way street?
I have a few friends. Two are very close. (one for 24 years) I dont feel that i have to work at it. We give and take equally. We understand when one is too busy to talk, or too poor to go out. We are always there for each other though. Hard to explain. I feel that one does more for me and she says i do more for her. I guess that means are both pretty kick a$$ ;)
Seriously, you may need to find friends that are on the same page as you. It should never feel like work :(
