My husband and I just found out that some very close friends are expecting twins. They are in total shock because this pregnancy was unplanned and unexpected. They are still in the "logistics" phase - overthinking what they need, what's going to happen after the kids are born, how they are going to afford two more kids, very many more sleepless nights . They haven't hit the excitement phase of having twins. They are godparents to our daughters so they are very close and we see each other at least 2 times per week. Besides family they haven't told anyone else but use and won't for a few more weeks.
I want to do something for them to show that we are happy for them and that I know they will be able to do it. I have a problem though. Before she got pregnant they were having a few marital problems that they had agreed they were going to work through before they had more kids (they already have 1 little boy). I know she didn't get pregnant to "keep him" and I know he doesn't think that either. He came over and was talking to us about the whole situation (the wife knew he was coming over to talk) and he is feeling that now they will have an even harder time working through their problems because of the twins - which I don't necessarily disagree. He is having a hard time focusing on the pregnancy because he knows all the problems will be there still when it is all said and done. The wife acknowledges they do have problems but she does not want to deal with them right now because of the pregnancy. They have been seeing a counselor together and separately but she has stopped going. I want to be excited for them having twins but I know how shocking the news must have been. My husband and I have so far just been a sounding board so they each can vent but is there anything else I can do? I know I really can't show an unbiased opinion and they have come to us together to reveal their problems but with the new pregnancy all of their problems have taken a back seat and the husband is starting to feel that nothing will be resolved. I'm torn because I feel for them but don't have any real suggestions.
She needs to go back to counseling. It doesnt matter that she is pregnant. Why cant she work on her marriage while she is pregnant? She isn't being fair to him.
Tell her that. And tell them both that talking to there friends isn't like talking to a counselor.
They shouldn't look at it as 'a deal with later'. They should look at it as 'we have 6 months to make this better' so that when the twins are here they already have a more positive home environment to come home to. Are twins stressful. Yes. Do they need lots of stuff? Yes. However the basics of that 'stuff' is diapers, food, and love. Stress is NOT part of the list.
When we got pregnant with my son (my 3rd, his 1st), we went to couples counseling BEFORE baby was born, to make sure we were on the same page and to get ourselves 'better'... shortly after becoming pregnant, we realized we had a lot of issues to work through. It was the best decision we'd ever made... if we had waited until AFTER baby was born, we never would have made it. That first year with a new baby is the hardest, and is often the breaking point for a lot of couples. Turns out, our son was an EXTREMELY difficult baby, and there's no way we would have made it if he hadn't gotten on the same page beforehand.
I highly recommend they go to a couples counselor who will see them both together, as well as one on one.
One big suggestion: tell them to seek out a local parents of multiples group. I know they haven't had the twins yet, but sometimes it's better to surround yourself with experts, pros, veterans, and other newbies when you embark on a big adventure like having twins. A good friend of mine had twins for her first birth, and she was completely overwhelmed trying to do it alone. But after she got involved in a multiples group, she had so many people who knew what she was going through because they had been there or were dealing with it themselves. It makes tough times so much easier when you know you aren't the only person who's ever faced fill-in-the-blank issue. On top of that, a good multiples group will have things like clothes and equipment swaps...with the big plus that everything comes in sets of two or more...
As far as the marital issues go, obviously, you can't solve their problems for them. They have to want to work on them, and they have to address it together. Otherwise nothing will be solved, and yes, the twins and every other unexpected twist in life will bog them down. The best thing you can do is continually point them towards open and honest communication with each other. Any time one of them starts to vent about the other, just ask them (nicely, of course, not judgmentally) if the spouse is aware of whatever the complaint is. It's amazing to me how many people DON'T talk directly to the person they are upset with but instead talk to friends and family or strangers about what's eating at them. Without knowing more about the types of problems they're dealing with, I don't know what else to say, except to avoid being in the middle of any problems; avoid taking sides; and do what you can to be a support to your friends in this difficult time. Best wishes to all of you.
The real suggestion you can offer is perspective. The previous two posters had very good points, mine what you read here for language to respond with.
I'll tell you what I thought of reading this. When my husband and I were engaged for a month, I was diagnosed with very early breast cancer. We postponed the wedding a year and got down to the business of battling the disease. We had fights and arguments, and both my sister and mother told him to back off: "you can't expect anything from her right now, she's going through treatment." He responded back that we were still in a relationship, it didn't stop for anything, it was just life. We had to learn to face the big stuff, the stress, together, and we had to weather it partly by working on our relationship. it's life. you can't stop it.
If they are in trouble now, they will crumble under the stress of having twins. They won't want to be in counseling in those early days, when they are genuinely not sleeping, and they'll treat other each other worse and drift farther apart. Getting some better tools for their marriage is critical NOW, encourage her to recommit to counseling.
I think you need to encourage her to continue to work on solving their problems during her pregnancy. What is the point of putting things off just because she is pregnant? Better to possibly solve a few of the issues before the babies arrive than after. I'm sure your friends will be able to see the logic in that.
Tough spot. They should so definately stay in counselling or find a new therapist if this one isn't working. You can't do much but be happy for the babies and supportive to the parents. Maybe offer to take their son, so they can have a couple of weekends together before she gets big and uncomfortable, so they have a little breathing space.
That said, I also sort of agree with the the whole "get over themselves" comment. Marriage is tough. Sometimes you just need to commit and accept the failings of yourself and your spouse. All those kids have to be a priortiy and splitting up is rarely the ideal answer. The marriage was good enough to make those babies, and they need to be fully responsible for their own actions and not resentful of the children because this was a "surprise." It's REALLY not that much of a surpirse..
They need to get over themselves. Seriously. It sounds too simple, but it's really not. Their own little marital issues (not trying to make them sound insignificant, but WHO HASN"T HAD MARRIAGE PROBLEMS??!!) will be there later when they feel like dealing with them. It has nothing to do with the twins. Sure they can say things like, "Well now the expense will just make things harder and we already have marriages issues waah...." but they need to take the marriage issues OUT OF THE PICTURE. Separate the two things. Put them in two separate compartments.
Priority number one: Celebrate the blessing of twins. Make plans for the logistics of the twins.
Priority number two which is SEPARATE (maybe shelf this one until the twins are one or something): Work on their issues. Split up or stay together, whatever. They still need to do right by the kids and those actions are pretty standard despite whatever they choose. They can be awesome divorced parents looking out for the kids, or an awesome married couple looking out for the kids, but regardless, their twins are coming, and they need to stop acting like it's just "one more problem" for them. it's a li'l selfish. This is coming from a person with 3 surprise pregnancies and plenty of life's problems. Kids are blessings if the parents see it that way.
disclaimer: my advice to shelf the problems until later is only if they have the maturity to be civil and kind in the mean time. If they are sort of "me me me me" dramatic types, then maybe they should work on them now a bit too. I think the mom refusing to continue therapy is pretty crappy.
I think she should still go, to better rebuild her personal foundation so that when they come (with the challenges thereof), she will be in a better place. The presence of the twins should encourage them to try harder, not put it aside. I would counsel her/them to return to therapy if being in a better place by the time they are born is what they want. I realize she might be extra hormonal, but I'm with the husband that if she shelves it, she might not make the progress they need. If I were him, *I* would at least continue to go by myself.
I would tell her that you ARE happy for them but that doesn't mean you don't continue to have reservations about her dropping therapy. I was happy for my cousin, but acknowledged that her situation was not the best.
It's like the adage about drinking to drown your sorrows. At some point, they learn to swim...
Well, twins, especially unplanned twins, are going to magnify any marital issues that already existed before they were conceived.
It sounds like your friend is using this as an excuse to not deal with or fix her marriage. Does she really think they'll have the time/energy to devote to fixing their marriage with 2 needy, crying beings in the house, on top of the one that's already there? It's a shame, honestly. Her DH sounds committed & in it for the long haul.
Your friend needs to get her priorities straight. The babies won't be there for 9 months - 9 long months during which their marriage could have some major hearing if she did the right thing & made it a priority. It's sad that she is choosing herself over the marriage right now.
I think if you are going to bring kids into the world, you should be prepared to whatever it takes to make your marriage as healthy as possible. No excuses. I predict that their problems get worse & that it ultimately ends badly because your friend is not committed & is choosing not to deal with the issues.
