My best friend and neighbor has been through a divorce, moving out on her own, sharing custody of her teenaged daughter, and soon after got involved with a guy who was supposedly seperated, but turns out he is still very married. She also has a raging alcohol problem, and is now in the process of finding out if the lump she found in her breast is cancerous or not....
All this would drive me to drink as well...it is a big load to carry.
My question is, should I feel bad that a guest from my household called and reported to her work last week that she was visibly intoxicated and drove herself to work. (she works the night shift) I feel horrible, but she is now going to see a counselor to try and stop her drinking, and wants to change... but I have heard this before from her, and it only lasted a couple of days.
I sometimes wish I could avoid her alltogether, but I know she needs a friend right now, and our daughers are best friends as well.
I just don't know what to do at this point... do I continue to act like everything is okay even if she drinks again... should I just give up on trying to help her out of this, or should I keep on her about it even if it costs me and my daughter our best friends?
I should also add that she does not drive my daughter anywhere, my daughter knows not to get in the car with her. Also, her daughter and her ex husband both attend al anon meetings.
The biggest thing to add is that she has no family here, she is from iceland, and her daughter and ex-husband are the extent of her family in the us.
She will not go back to Iceland, and her family doesn not come often to visit, I have met them once since I have known her... my daughter has gone to Iceland to stay with her family a couple of times, but they do not come here.
Thank you for your help, I know in my heart she is a good person, and I want to help her knock this problem and become the good safe mommy that she was when I met her.
Go to an Al-anon meeting. Your friend is an alcoholic and there is nothing you can do about it. The Al-anon meeting will help you (and your daughter, and maybe her daughter, too) cope with the situation. I don't mean you should take the girls to the meeting, but the information you learn will help everyone involved.
Can you go to an AlAnon meeting? I m sure others have been in your shoes and would be able to specifically say do this or that.
And to answer the question whether you should feel bad or not, no. She cannot take lives of others into her hands while driving to work. She is a danger to herself and otehrs if she gets behind the wheel.
She needs a friend but no someone who will let her harm herself or another.
Dear L.,
If I was you, I would not give up and I would tell her. I would let her know that I will help her getting the help she needs, but that she needs to want the help aswell. You can do all you can, but if she doesn't want the help it will be a waste of your time. Having said that, I think a true friendship sticks around no matter what, in good times and bad times. So you need to sit down and ponder on your friendship, is this friendship that important to you that you will be willing to be there no matter what happens, or is it just not that important to you to continue. Either choice will be hard, if you don't want to continue then you will have to tell her, and if you do want to continue you need to take it all in; and be there for her always.
Before you make a decision, pray and don't do anything until you feel peace in your heart. Maybe you are there for a reason! Such a time as this!
Blessings
she has a big load to carry. but she is not YOUR big load to carry. you can keep a friendship with her, and you're right, it's probably valuable to her, but you MUST create boundaries and make them inflexible. i'm sure you never let her drive your daughter anywhere, but i'd tell her that. kindly, compassionately, but without any room for compromise. allow the girls to stay at your house, but don't let your daughter stay there. if your friend needs to talk (or vent) let her, but don't become a bottomless dumping ground. if she asks for your advice or perspective (she probably won't while she's in the dark place) give it to her simply and honestly, without cruelty but without padding and fluffing either.
kindness from a safe distance is the attitude i would adopt.
khairete
S.
