Friend Question?

Hi! I am that friend. Please don't abandon me. I am having a really hard time right now and just don't have the mental or physical energy...

Since you mailed a package and she hasn't called, texted, or written to thank you then I would contact her to find out for certain that she received the package. If she did, she ought to have the grace to sheepishly thank you and apologize for not letting you know earlier. If she didn't, then you know there was a problem with the shipping and delivery.

I don't think she's necessarily backing off the friendship. I mean, she did send gifts for your girls. You sent packages for hers and haven't heard anything back.
The right thing for her to do would be to acknowledge the gifts you sent, and not knowing how recently you did that, she just could be one of those people who aren't all that great at corresponding in a timely fashion.
If you are wondering if she got the package, text or call her and simply ask her since you'd like to make sure she got it.

I have a close friend of 31 years. We've been through thick and thin. My son and I were in her wedding party and I sang. We don't live that close together, but work only 15 minutes apart and you'd think we'd be able to get together for lunch or something. But...with our schedules, it's very difficult.
Neither one of us feels the other is "backing off" the friendship. We simply can't stay in touch as much as we'd like, but when we have a death or crisis in the family, we are there for each other. If there is something joyous, we are there for each other. In between, we trust that we are both close at heart and we don't sweat the little things.
We wouldn't have stayed friends for 31 years if either one of us got upset because I sent her a card for her birthday one year and she didn't send me one or vice versa. Believe me, that's happened.
It's not evidence of anything other than one of us didn't get around to it. No hurt feelings.

She may be going through something she's not ready to discuss that has nothing to do with you. You don't know.
I just wouldn't be so quick to assume she's done with the friendship.
If you feel YOU are being slighted and want to end the friendship, that's another matter.

Inquire about the package and take it from there.

Just my opinion.

My best friend lives just over 200 miles from me but do to family issues we haven't been able to get together for 3 yrs. We talk on the phone but not as often as I would like. She has been going through a personal crisis the past couple of months and doesn't feel like talking. I get that and it's okay. Sometimes friendships are like that. Hopefully I will be able to drive down to see her soon and spend some time with her. I know she really needs to be able to spend time with me and usually she drives up here but at this time I am more financially solvent than she is so I will make the drive. I just need to get some family issues taken care of before I can go.

My advice, hang in there. If you are true friends your frinedship will stand the test of time and distance. Try to make plans so you can take her out for lunch and spend some time shopping and talking. Make it a girls day out no kids or husbands. Don't probe or say anything that could make her feel guilty. Such as I miss you so much or I wish we could do this more often. She may have some stuff going on she is not ready to talk about. Just knowing she has a friend who loves her and accepts her may be the best gift you could give her.

It might very well be that she feels very guilty about not getting back with you, but is sidetracked and busy with the day-to-day stuff. I wouldn't write her off just yet...and don't be upset.

Friendships are never 50-50. Sometimes life throws us a whole truckload of lemons and while we're busy looking for sugar and water so we can make lemonade, we can only give our friendships 10%.

So be understanding. Don't just be a fair-weather friend. Give that 90% and eventually, things will blow over and she'll let you know that she has more time to invest into the friendship. Someday it might be you who can only give 10% to the friendship...and because you stuck around when she was having a hard time, she won't ditch you.

Best of luck!

It sounds like maybe the friendship has run its course. I would send a text and say just making sure "x"'s birthday gift got there. I sent me stepdaughter a package for christmas this year. didn't hear anything and it was a month after christmas. I sent her a note saying hey I want to toss the slip from the post office am assuming you got the package since it says delivered. she wrote back that no she didn't get it. and a search had to be started. it never did turn up. so they might not have gotten it. but as far as the phone calls and texts not being answered there are always a million reasons why I would just step back and let her make the next move.

I've grown to realize that people come and go for a reason and season in our lives. Some become good friends, others were meant to bridge a gap in our lives for a reason that we seldom see or even understand. With that said, I was hurt when a very good friend of many years backed out of our friendship. I asked her many times about her silence in our friendship and she always made excuses (busy, work, kids, etc.). It hurt but I tried to understand. To this day, she and I don't talk anymore...she's even removed herself from my facebook. I know it's hard to not take it personal but the truth is that people change and they realize that something else is more important. I would let it go and move on.

Something I've found:

People go through difficult periods in their lives, but still WANT to be friends.

I've found this by keeping in touch with people even when they're barely (or not responding). I don't do it a lot, and I don't expect a response. And then after a few months or even a year or two... I get this HUGE "Oh, my, god... thankyou so much. It's been so difficult these past few months/years, and I'm so grateful that we're still friends. I lost most of my friends."

And then our friendship resumes.

People, when going through a difficult time in their lives, often just simply don't have the energy to maintain friendships. It's not that they don't want to, it's not that they don't like their friends, it's simply that they don't have the energy to be able to.

And with long distance friends, this goes quadruple in EITHER direction. Myself... I keep my LDFs soooo much easier than my nearby friends. Why? Because friendships are maintained over the phone. When I have a spare 15-20 minutes, I can call them up, and then go right back to my crisis. But nearby friends require meeting up in person. Which is just impossible for me in a crisis. Even if I have the energy to do so, I often end up having to cancel plans, because... things are in crisis mode. For other people, the opposite is true. In crisis mode, they can only focus on the people right in front of them, and anyone not in front of they THINK about, but don't have the energy or time to do anything about it.

There's a Virginia Woolf Quote

"I have lost friends, some by death... others through sheer inability to cross the street."

Just my experience.

_______

I would send a text to see if she got it. :)

Shelly, I am sooo learning to like time to myself and by myself for the very reasons you have here. I am tired of falling out with friends and family for no apparant reason. My spring break is next week and although it will save money for me to invite another empty nester, single older teacher to ride with me out of town for a get away--I am not doing so. I will pay the extra gas and hotel fees and not have the inevitable drama...

I have plenty of friends that way. When we see each other, we pick up where we left off. I would leave it at that and understand she is busy right now. It maybe her children are in more activities. I have one child and I feel my whole world revolves around that child and I don't get any free time to do my own thing. I can't imagine spare time with more than one child.

All people, men or women, have different thresholds of getting back to others, or responding to them.
For some, the daily grind is enough to totally wear them out... for others, they still make time to shoot over a quick response in return.
It is probably not anything personal, against you.
It is just their.... pacing of things and/or ability, for getting back to every single person who sends them a message.

Sometimes for me personally, just having to respond back to a friend, is too much for me. Meaning, I got too many other things going on, and I then get just too burnt out to even think... of returning a message. So then I don't. It is nothing personal.
But I appreciate, my friends messages. But I don't necessarily get back to every single one I get every single day. I simply... don't have time to go back and forth and back and forth to every single message.
And, with friendships, near or far... I don't like feeling "pressured" to keep up with "their".... pacing of things or them expecting ME... to be like them.
And I know... that if a friend doesn't get back to me.... they are busy and/or under the gun for other things and daily life or problems.
Fine.
I don't make it personal nor do I pressure them about it or send them an "did you get my e-mail" type of messages. Because that in itself, is tiring.

Don't assume anything.
She said it has been crazy with the kids. Fine. She is not you and you are not her.
Everyone, has different abilities... for corresponding to others.
And it is not always, personal.

Personally, I am very... not into pressuring friends or getting pressured by friends about having to respond back to someone by a certain time.
You sent her a package. Fine. She will get it. Fine.
To me, there is no reason to text her for everything.
Don't "expect" anything in return.
Just the idea that someone is expecting something from someone else... can be smothering to others. And pressuring.

All my friends are crazy busy. We do not send messages to each other every day nor expect a response back every single day to every single minor or major message we send each other.
Fine.
IF I felt I HAD TO respond back to a friend for every single message they sent me... well, I would feel, claustrophobic. And I don't like that. Do not like it.
It does not mean I am "backing off" from the friendship. It just means, that "I" have a different threshold, for things and I am probably busy or burnt out from other things in life.

I didn't read through your other responses, but I am sorry you had some not so nice answers. Some people really are trying to help and don't realize that sometimes, just words w/ no facial movements or inflection in voice, can come across as mean...don't let it bother you.

That being said, when you HAVE talked to her, was she nice? Did she seem happy to talk to you? I have friends that I sometimes feel that they don't want to reciprocate the friendship, but then when I do talk to them, they are exactly who I thought they were! My friend! Some friendships take a lil more work and you just have to decide if you want to continue a more one-sided friendship and if that's ok w/ you, or if you feel like she doesn't care one way or another what happens and move on for now.

Life gets in the way sometimes! So, give her some slack and just see what happens...I admit, I am not always the best at responding or sending cards or notes...but that doesn't mean I love my friends any less! I'm just a lil flaky sometimes! :)

It might be that she is too busy. You can do what you want to keep the friendship going.

I have had one friend since 1987. We don't talk every day - heck - we don't even talk once a month. But when we do talk? We pick up exactly where we left off. This may be that relationship in your life.

Watching kids from home is NOT easy. If she is open from 0630 to 1830 - she probably needs to do a lot for her family and prepare herself for the next day.

Send her a card letting her know you are thinking of her and ask if you can get together on a future weekend....just to meet up again. Leave the ball in her court.

I know this will sound funky - but don't take it personally. Life does get in the way sometimes of relationships. i'm sorry.

Sounds like you've tried everything to re-kindle this friendship. You even brought to light that you thought that it was in trouble to her and got a blah sorta answer. At this point if you go any further you are going to be practically begging her to be your friend. I'd just leave it alone and move along. Seems to me it's pretty clear she doesn't have time for you anymore. A friend is a crappy one at best if you are making all the effort and can't even get a simple thank you text. No one is that busy! I have 3 kids and I can send a thank you text at the very minimum always. With friends like that why bother? More upset than they are worth.

I'm sorry. I know that stings terrible. Hugs!

She sent a package for your kids, so it doesn't sound like she's trying to drop the friendship. I have a friend who also lives 45 minutes away, her husband grew up with mine since 2nd grade, and neither of us has family nearby. I hadn't heard back from her since before Christmas. Turns out she's been having a really rough time, and it just took everything in her to take care of her kids and other immediate responsibilities. And even when we both try hard, we'll go 3 months or more without getting together. Maybe your friend has something going on that she's just not ready to talk about yet. Don't give up on her yet.

Sometimes I neglect to nurture my relationships and it means nothing other than I'm just so busy that every spare moment I greedily take for myself and forget my friends. Sometimes it's just that simple.

But I also get sad when it happens to me.

She must be pretty busy. And because of the distance between you when she does get some time to relax with a friend it's probably going to be one that's close-by. She did care enough to respond to your girls' birthdays with a package. If she wanted to blow off the friendship; she would not have bothered to. You have every right to casually ask her if they received your gift. She may have simply forgotten to let you know or follow-up with a thank-you. If you contact her to find out about the gift just let it go after that. Then, it would be her turn to contact you next I believe and, if she doesn't, give her more time and pray about the relationship.

I could be that friend. I always have good intentions, but at the end of the day I'm exhausted. When I finally get some time to myself I can be kind of selfish with it. I just want to be alone and not have to answer to anyone. My closest friends live quite a distance away. When they want to get together it is for an entire weekend. I know it is selfish, but I don't want to give away my whole weekend. It is possible that there is more going on than she has shared with you. I have been dealing with some things that I haven't wanted to share with even my closest friends. Those things also keep me from talking with my friends as often as used to. I just don't have the energy to discuss it with them and I don't want a lot of advice from them. It is just easier to avoid them. I know that isn't healthy and I often feel lonely, but right now I can only handle so much. My dearest friends are the ones who don't push anything. They accept my 30 second posts on Facebook and understand that is what I can make the time for. At the same time they aren't pushing or expecting too much from me, the also haven't given up on me. They send a note every month or so and understand if I don't reply back. Keep in touch with your friend by sending her a note or card every so often just to let her know you are thinking about her. But also be understanding that she might not have the time or energy to reply. Be patient. It will be clear to you eventually if she is just too busy or if she has distanced herself intentionally.