Friend Advice!

Instead of waiting for them to ask how you are doing maybe you should just bring it up. You could just simply say boy I am still having a really hard time with my Dad's death. Your friends probably do care but sometimes life gets really busy and we think that more time has passed than really has. I know that for me October seems like years ago but really it was only 4 months.
Just be Honest with them!
Blessings as you grieve, K.

Maybe they don't want to bring it up to make you sad. If they're your verey good friends, maybe they think if you need to talk you'll talk about it with them, and that they might be able to help yoyu focus on other things in life...or move forward. I don't think this is "right" but a lot of times people who haven't lost someone struggle with how to act around someone who just has. I hope it works out, it would be awful to lose your father and then lose your friends so close together. I hope you work it out with them, I say just talk to them, they may not know what to do (that's how I felt when a friend of mine lost her baby and I was pregnant, I felt like, what could I say, I still have my baby and she doesn't). I'll say a prayer that it works out well.

Ok I admit I am someone that could be like your friend. I would do it because I loved you and didnt want to make you cry. Its so hard to see your friend hurt, and maybe they just dont know how to deal. If you're the first in your group of friends to lose a parent it maybe very difficult to think about it. I guess in the end dont wait to have them ask, you know they love you just tell them how you're doing. Forgive them for being bad at this part of your relationship.

A.,

Some people are too preoccupied with themselves to even care.

BUT....Let's assume that they just don't know what to say. That is the case MOST of the time. Give them the benefit of the doubt. They may possibly be just following your lead. If you want to talk about it, you bring up the subject.

I am sorry for your lose. I know it is painful and people never understand...until it happens to them.

C.

A.,

I'm so sorry about the loss of your father, its so difficult to deal with the death of those we love and are close to. I can understand that you may be frustrated by what seems your friends indifference to your grieving, but perhaps they are quietly waiting for you to bring it up? Have you tried talking to them about any of the feelings you are having about the loss of your dad? Maybe they don't want to upset you if your not ready to talk yet?

Just the fact that these are longtime close friends I would give them the benefit of the doubt. I'm guessing that if you reached out to them and let them know you needed to bend an ear or wanted a little comforting or sympathy, they would be the first ones to be there for you. People, (even wonderful, close, and longtime friends) are not mind readers and maybe they are trying to be gentle and senstive to your feelings the best way they know how to be.

I would suggest giving them a call, or getting together with them, and let them know how you are feeling. I wouldn't say anything to them about them not asking you about how you have been dealing with things up until now. Accept the comfort they give you even if you have to ask for it. God Bless you.

It sounds like you really want to talk about it and may be even have a good cry. If this is true, tell your friends this is how you feel. It sounds like they would be very supportive.

When people have not lost a loved one, they are unsure how to react to someone who has lost a loved one. My mom passed away in June of 2003. I really didn't get the question of how are you doing. One of my friends lost both her parents in less than a years time. As I am writing this to you, I remember her mom died in February 3 years ago. I need to call her and tell her I am thinking of her.

I am certain they have been thinking of you. Sometimes we just need to tell our friends how we are feeling, so they know how to support us.

Take care.

M.

Hi A., I'm sorry to hear of your father's passing. My dad passed away unexpectedly about 3 years ago and it's hard. I understand what you're going through. But most of your friends probably do not and just don't know what to say. People are sympathetic but don't want to say the wrong thing, and don't know what to say. You'll find in time that the closest friends are the ones you can cry in front of at the most random times. Those are the friends you want to be close with.

Just wanted to add that there are some wonderful grief support groups out there or grief couselors that you could contact, most are free of charge. You could look online or start with a hospital near you or if your dad was hospitalized, you could try that one for a referral. Sometimes friends just don't know what to say. Best wishes.

A. ~
Sorry for your loss.

I know your friends haven't actually asked you how you are doing, but have they been there for you? Sometimes you get tired of everyone asking how you are...maybe they know how you are because they're there, and they see you and hear you. Sometimes that means alot more than the actual words.

D.

A., I am so very sorry for your loss. Some people find it hard to discuss death and they think it might upset you too to talk about your dad. Why don't you just tell them that you miss your dad so much and how hard it is - hopefully they'll then pick up on your feelings of wanting to talk about him - good luck - Alison

I would not worry about it and not have your feelings hurt. They may just not know what to say, it may feel awkward and don't want to being it up and may not know how to respond if you start crying or whatever... I am just saying this because even if I had a good friend who's dad or someone close died I would not want to ask due to the unpredictability of the response. I understand that you would want them to ask and show that they care. Trust me, if they are your friends they do care, just assume they feel awkward about it. Don't let this be a stumbling block in your relationship because it would sound really selfish if you asked them why they have not asked you how you were doing...even if that desire is not selfish...I don't know I just don't want any one to have more hurt feelings over this and you could just forget about it and assume the best about them.

That is coming from someone who has never been in the situation so take it for what it's worth...probably not much :-)
I am sorry about your loss.

These friends just don't know what to say. They're afraid that if they bring it up, they'll bring it to your mind and cause you pain. Obviously, whether they bring your dad up or not, you're thinking about him and mourning your loss. You might want to gently bring it up with them individually. Tell them that you want to talk about your pain, and also the wonderful memories of your dad. Better yet, you could say, 'it's okay to ask me how I'm doing since my dad passed. I'm really okay with being asked, and would really appreciate the chance to talk to a close friend about how I'm feeling.' I'm sure they'll support you as you need. Just let them know.
Hugs, S. (missing my dad so much too)

I wouldn't be bothered by it. Most people, even your close frieds, don't know what to say. My friend of 20+ years barely said anything to me when my mom passed. I know she cared and felt bad for me, but really - what was there to say? When I needed to talk, she knew and was there for me. Beyond that, it wasn't brought up.

A.,

Sorry for your loss of your father. I can understand this as I just loss two members of my family in less than two weeks time.

Something to keep in mind: Everyone processes things differently. You cannot expect your friends to approach you on such a difficult situation as depending on your relationship, they may see exactly how you are and may not need to ask. They also may not want to remind you of your loss as they may not want to be responsible for bring a fresh set of grief over you.

In my current situation, I am closest to my cousin. I asked how she is doing (as this is my way), however she has not asked me about either loss. I am not taking in personal. I know she has a ton on her plate: two deaths to process and heal from, school and she is planning a wedding while her fiance is out of the country - he's in Africa on assignment!

As someone else stated, everyone has much on their mind. If you are openly and visibly depressed and still grieving, your close friends may already see this and don't have to ask. And, also lets not forget that things are getting harder with the economy. That alone is stressing for everyone and takes alot to process and shut out to keep from going on mental overload.

Just do not take it personal, journal about your feelings and heal yourself. The stronger you are, the better you are for your children.

Peace and blessings~

I am very sorry for your loss. Correct me if I am wrong, but wouldn't your friends ask you how you are doing even if you hadn't had a loss? :) Be glad for them. With time, the happy memories will take over and those friends will be there to share them!

S.

A.,

So very sorry for your loss. I lost my mother in October '08 and have had some long time friends that just quit talking to me completely. The others don't really say much, they figure if and when I want or need to talk I will. Some would ask for the first few months how I was doing, but it's been 4 1/2 months and no one wants to dwell on something so sad. I cherish those I know will always be there and have for the most part written off the rest. That may not be what's right for you, but in my personal opinion, life is to short to stress over it.

I wish you the best. I live by the motto "It's always going to hurt, some day it's not going to hurt so bad"

~B.~

A.,
I am so sorry about your Father.
I would say sense these people have been your friends for a very long time the should have said something! But maybe they just don't know how, and espically sense it has been this long. I know my boss's dad just passed and I get so nervous when I have to say things like that to someone, because you never know how they may be feeling. I had to make myself say "Im sorry for your loss", lol sounds terrible but death whether its someone I know or not, is not something I deal with well.

I guess It would just depend on how much it really is bothering you? They might get defencive if you say something.

Good luck!

A.; yes, i dont think you need to have them ask you how you are doing, basically you are saying i am down and i need you to pick me up , although this may be so, to flaunt it and to demand it should not be, some people dont always ask how they are doing and most when it comes to death, wait for you to talk, they may not also know you are down and need them to be there for you, its not that its an oversight or that they dont care, it just might be they dont know how much this has hurt you, instead of insisting they will be there for you , if you need them and being good freinds they will be there for you, when you need them, give them a call and let them know how depressed you have been since he died, and talk about your fathers death and how it made you feel, dont ask them how come you did not know to ask me how i feel, thats just kinda rude, i am sorry you lost your father in death, and i would be glad to let you talk to me, too, and by the way , how are you ? i know how hard death can be, i found comfort in the bible at the time of my loss in my family , most bibles have an index in the back, look up death and read the scriptures that go with it, some of them can be very comforting, the greatest comfort i found, in there, was the scripture talking about death being no more, and when you link that scripture with a resurrection of our dead loved ones the comfort really begins, when we read we will see them again, such a comfort also, any way hang in there, and if you care to talk or know more what the bible says about it , i would be glad to share with you what i found, D. s

As you read this, please keep in mind that my father is still alive and although I've lost people really close to me and have grieved for them past the funeral, I don't know what it is like to loose a parent. With that said, from a person outside your house, and you emotions, I wouldn't expect extreme grief to go on for this long. It's been at least four months after all. From a friend stand point, they may be thinking that life has gone on for you. If you don't tell them that you are having a hard time dealing with this, they can't help you. At the same time, you might want to consider talking to a grief counselor to help you deal with this. At some point, you need to move past the grief. I know when my Grandma died just before Thanksgiving a couple years back, I allowed myself some grieving time, but then moved on. That's what our loved ones would want. My thought is, that you are sensitive to begin with, so you are sensitive to what appears to be your friends insensitivities. I would sit down and talk to them about how you are feeling, bring it up, maybe they can help you through it.

Perhaps they think you have moved on. Their lives will have carried on and with kids, since October is like a lifetime and I guess they have forgotten about it. If you think they need to bring it up then tell them.They probably feel that they don't want to pick at a new wound but want to give it time to heal alone. Coming from someone who has lost both her parents unexpectedly in the last 5 years I know it's hard for you and there are certain times and things which can make the day hard but having the kids around gives us a reason to smile and move on. Give your kids an extra cuddle "from Grandpa" when you are down.

I just read a similar story in today's Dear Abby about 'so-called friends' not keeping touch after getting laid off.

This is no different. Please understand that people have different perspectives and your friends might just want to give you time alone to come to grips with your loss. It happens a lot that even with a team of friends around that someone who's faced adversity often need to be alone.

I am so sorry for your loss tho. Been there. When you feel ready give your friends a call and make some plans with them. That's the sign it's okay to approach you. They just may not have been sure.

Until you go through it, you can't understand it. Even the closest friends may not understand that the first year after the loss of someone is tough. They have moved on and remember it isn't on their mind all the time. When they ask you how you're doing, be honest. They can also be a release to think of other things. Remind them that your Dad's birthday is coming up or other holidays and just talk about it. For me I usualy ask how the other parent is doing and that opens up the door to conversation if my friend is ready to talk. We're all human and all deal with death differently.

Hello. I am sorry for your loss. I have several very close girlfriends whom I love, but I have to admit that I am not good when it comes to asking about losses or asking my friends about it. (I am also the worst person when it comes to sending cards). I ususally feel that they would bring it up if they want to talk. So- I think you should bring it up to them about how you are feeling about the loss of your father- to open up the lines of communication- but I don't think you should read too much into it. I am sure your friends would want to help if they knew how. Maybe they just need some guidance.

A.,

Sorry about your loss of your Dad. Mine died when I was 14, and I still miss him. It gets better with time.

And my mother in law just died this January 28th. It has been difficult, and sad at times. I wish she got to be around longer to see my 3 children grow up.

I agree to confide in your friends about your grief and loss. They may not want to bring it up out of respect for you, not knowing talking about it would bring you comfort.

And you have the support of us here!!! =)

Take care, Be Strong,
R.

A., I am also sorry for your loss!

I will tell you that my best friend lost her father a few months ago and I know that she is still grieving. I struggle all the time as to whether I ask her how she's doing or not, for fear that if she's doing Ok that I'll make those feelings resurface or I will upset it if she doesn't want to talk about it. It's not for lacking of caring or concern for her. So my advice to you is that if you want to talk about it or have your friends reach out to you, you need to take the first step.

I'm sure that your friends feel very similar to myself and don't know how to handle the situation, it's not that they don't care about you.

Hope this helps and you are in my thoughts and prayers.

N.