Found Out Daughter Sexted- Broken Heart and What to Do?

Go back and read what you've said in prior posts about your daughter. You've been very concerned about the people she associates with and what kinds of things they do or want to do. You say how sweet and wonderful she is but you worry about these other temptations and influences.

Now, you post this sort of idealized view of how sweet and wonderful she is - without taking into account the reality that kids have many aspects to their personality! She's not a little girl, and she's not a mature adult. She's somewhere in between. Like every other teen.

So, for over a year, she has been exposed to things you just can't imagine. And, like most teens, she hasn't told her parents everything. If you thought she was telling you everything, you wouldn't have been checking her phone! I think you were right to check her phone, and I'm sorry you found something.

But you have got to get past being heartbroken and vulnerable, and you have to be the grown-up here. If it were me, I'd get some objective legal advice. That might be from an attorney, and it might be from the police - they have trained officers to deal with this, and you will not be the first parent whose kid has done something dumb. And no, don't assume that they're going to indict her! The photo is out there. It's not going away. You will gain nothing by failing to confront this issue. You need to protect her from here on out, and that means some honest conversations. But I don't think you're ready to talk to her - your thoughts are a huge jumble and you are still in the "I'm hurt" mode. You have got to get out of that place and into a parental responsibility mode.

Yes, you've talked to her about this, but she did it anyway. That's the same feeling of every parent whose kid has sex, does drugs, drinks, drinks/drives, forces himself on a girl, bullies someone, shoplifts from a store, steals money from Grandma's purse, or gets hold of a weapon. Yes, it's awful. But it's not unique, and we all have to step up to the plate and let our kids know that yes, there are going to be repercussions. Your daughter sent a naked photo and somehow believed a guy that he would delete it or keep it private. So she was naive and dumb. That's where you start.

Get some help for this if you don't think you have the resolve. You absolutely MUST get past this idea of a perfect and sweet and innocent child. There's no such thing, so you must stop perpetuating that image. And if there's a part of you that thinks you failed as a parent, then you have to confront that as well. Get some short term counseling so you have someone realistic, experienced and objective to talk to.

But do not ignore this, and do not have a big crying fit with your child about how much she disappointed you. You have to model the maturity you want her to emulate. That means telling her that parenting is hard work, it involves "trust but verify" and checking her phone because you have to protect her.

I think that you have made a desperate link between your daughter's actions and your own personal self worth. Perhaps because she is an only child; perhaps because you don't work outside the home and view your daughter's less than desirable behaviors as a direct reflection on your ability to be a good parent. I think by disconnecting your feelings about your daughters behaviors and focusing on the actual behaviors and how to handle them would be a good start.

This happened 6 mo - 1 yr ago? Ok, well we can't go back and change time, and my guess is she has spent much of that time already punishing herself. I think that you can skip the punishment phase here. It would be ridiculous to take her electronics away for something that happened a year ago.

What to do about the picture itself. In this case, I think I would go to the boy's parents (IN PERSON) and have a very frank discussion about the picture. The parents are much more likely to see how damaging this could be to BOTH parties and get to the bottom of where the picture has been and whether or not it can be deleted.

What to do about your daughter. I think that your daughter made a stupid mistake - she was what, 16? Thought a cute boy liked her? Made a mistake that ended up blowing up in her face? Treat her with the sympathy and respect any kid would deserve for screwing up and then hating herself for it. Sit down with her and show her the risks that she took by making a mistake like this, hug her and move on.

As an aside, perhaps finding some worthwhile activities outside the home - volunteer work, a part-time job, something for you that allows you to identify with being more than just your daughter's mother or your husband's wife. Oh, come clean about the phone checks, too - I agree that if I am paying, and it is a minor child, I get the right to look. However, I am not going to hide it. Sneaking says to the world that you are doing something wrong and parental monitoring of electronic device usage is not something you need to be sneaking around about.

Good luck.

FYI folks. You can delete all you want. If you go to police or DA, they can do a forensic download of the phone and those deleted pics are going to come up. I would handle this with my daughter and perhaps Cam, but not with law enforcement.

You need to confront her about this. You have every right to check her phone when ever you want. She is still a minor. I checked my son's phone till he turned 18. My boys know I have access to all passwords and can see anything one their devices.