Our Sunday School class is going to have two of our male members being deployed to the Middle East soon. One is leaving at the end of March, one leaving in August. We've started trying to think of ways we can help the moms and their kids while the fathers are gone, but we're just not sure how we can help. The first mom (March deployment) is a special ed teacher mom with a 3 year old and a 1 year old. The second one is a SAHM with a 4 year old, 2 year old and a newborn (he'll be 6 months when his father leaves). We've already had all of the men step up and say they'd help both moms with yard maintenence over the summer months, but we're not really sure what else we could do.
My question is specifically for moms who have had husbands deployed: What has been the most help to you? Or what do you really wish folks would volunteer to help with?
The special ed teacher has in-laws in the area and her parents are within an hours drive. The SAHM has both her and her husbands family an hour and a half away. So babysitting services is a possibility. Us girls are just clueless as to what we can do to help out these moms! Thanks in advance for your input - but most importantly thanks for your service to our country!
Lawn service!
And someone who can pick up the odd thing from the grocery store without having to load up all the kids.
Well, the thing I needed most was someone I could call at 1 am and I knew would go get perdialite or other childrens meds right then and there or call and have you pick up food while the kids have a stomach bug. You aren't likely to get them calling unless you make it very very VERY clear that you are up to it and won't flake.
Also, they M. or M. not know it yet, but the time they are really going to need help is when hubby returns... the dishevel is bad when he leaves but when he returns it is just as bad if not worse. Mom is used to being head honcho and now she needs to share the role... this is hard to do... and dad is a warrior and noteworthy in his field but comes home and has no place because mom has taken over. That takes time too and that is when child care is REALLY needed.
The military actually gives spouses of deployed warriors free (5 hours a week I think it is) and really reduced price 24/7 availability child care so that shouldn't be an issue (I think it is 2.50 an hour after that... but don't quote me... it has been a while since I looked it up...).
This ends when the warrior returns and that is when they need it more than ever. They need to get to know each other again and well sometimes children can hinder a date night...
When my husband was deployed what was most helpful to me was someone to help with yard work and minor home repairs/upkeep.
My neighbor helped with the yard work by mowing the big hill that was difficult for me to mow with push-mower. I had friends and husbands of friends that helped too. The guys did the things my husband would usually do. They trimmed the tree limbs that started to scrape the roof, fixed a leaking bathtub faucet, fixed the garage door when it went on the fritz, and things like that. One of the guys even cleaned my gutters.
It was wonderful to not have to worry about doing those things, or figuring out who to hire to do them. It definitely made life easier for me.
My female friends offered to babysit, or have sleep-overs so I could have some "me" time. They offered to help with meals. One of them dropped off frozen pizzas, drinks, and a movie as a surprise one night. I appreciated that so much!
Just tell the women that you are willing to help, but aren't sure what they would like you to do. Even if I didn't need anything, the offer was always appreciated. And I knew if I needed something all I had to do was ask.
My biggest help during deployments has been yard work. I would NEVER ask someone for help, but we live on 12 acres and I have a 4-year-old and a son turning 2 today. My husband just returned from a 10-month deployment. It is SO hard to get outside to do the vast amount of mowing I have to do, so the couple of times that the neighbors did it for me was a LIFESAVER! I would never say that I need help if someone asked, but one particular neighbor just came over and did it for me and I am SO grateful.
The same neighbor also took care of our dog when he died during the deployment. I did have to ask for help on that one. I wanted to do it myself, but he was a big dog and I realized that I just really couldn't dig a big enough hole.
Help with the kids would be great, especially for doctor's appointments or when I need to go to the dentist, et cetera, or even just to get my hair cut or my nails done. By-the-hour daycare is SO expensive, even on base. It is so nice that you ladies want to help. I have had a lot of help from neighbors and church members and I can never thank them enough! :D
My hubby is in Iraq right now. I am a sahm with a 4 year old a 2 year old and I'm 30 weeks pregnant. So this is what I have needed help with or wish I had more help with. Yard work. I had a family friend come about every week 1/2 to mow the yard and in the fall he raked leaves. This winter I have had neighbors shovel my driveway every time it snows. I also have a 13 year old from my church come over every Thursday night for a couple hours and watch my kids just so I can get out! Every now and again I get people bring over dinners which is so nice for a change. And I have friends offer to watch my kids when I have doctor appointments during the day. I think the biggest thing is just how you word things. Like when people ask me "Do you need anything?" I always respond "No I'm fine." But if someone asks "can I bring you dinner tomorrow?" or "Want to have a play date?" or "Can I watch your kids for a couple hours?" or "would you and your girls like to have dinner with our family tonight?" I of course jump at all these offers and say "sure!" So when you want to help the families be very specific in your questions. Most people won't come and ask for certain things but will take you up on an offer. Like with the snow. I shoveled my driveway the first time it snowed but when my friends found out they weren't too happy with me. Of course I have a hard time calling one of their hubbies to come do it for me. But now as soon as it snows there is someone out there shoveling before I can even think about doing it myself. So again just come right out and ask them if you can do specific services. Basically think of all the things your hubby does for you and things you don't want to have to take your kids with you to do. Then ask the wives if you can help them out with those things. Like I got a sitter when I got my taxes done or last time i had to get my oil changed on my car. Those were 2 things I didn't want to drag my kids to. And just make sure they have friends and a social life. Play dates and girls night out are what's getting me through this year.
You've gotten such great ideas! We've been through a couple deployments so here is my two cents: be specific! Like a previous poster said, whenever someone would ask if I needed anything I would automatically say no but if they said, can I bring you dinner on Wednesday I would take that offer! It's great that you've already had guys step up to say they would help; I suggest setting up something a little more structured like Bob will mow the yard every other week in May and John will do it in June etc...'cause even with the best intentions life gets in the way & people forget. Also seconding what someone else said, having someone I could call at 10 at night or 2 in the morning when the kids were sick & I needed something or if there were an emergency room trip would have been HUGE! Not having to drag all of the kids out for something like taxes or dr. appointments is also a big blessing. It's hard to concentrate on what the dr. is telling you when there are 2 or 3 kids hanging on. Remember that these wives are people with outside interests too - they are not just the wife who has a deployed husband. People asking how my husband was doing was great & appreciated - if that's the only thing they ever asked about or talked about with me then it typically was a very "surface" type relationship - not necessarily shallow since I knew they cared but not anything deeper. Taking a personal interest in what they like, think, enjoy can go a long way to helping with some of the loneliness. It is so wonderful that you guys are doing this! Mucho blessings :-)
Keep their hubbys on the prayer list and make sure you continue to reassure her they are on it.
If they dont have webcams that would be a great gift to give to them so they can video chat while hubbys are over there... that was a lifesaver for my DIL while my son was deployed.
Maybe get some of the boys to go over a couple of times a week to make sure trash is out and dog poop is picked up in the yard.
Maybe ask the wives to write down things that she usually depends on her hubby for and find some volunteers to fill those needs.
Make sure they have lots of phone numbers to call if they are feeling scared or lonely or just need to talk.
Maybe a coupon book for some babysitting so mom can go out shopping or get her nails done and have a tiny bit of respite from the kids.
Continued prayers for patience and endurance while home alone without Dad.
When my husband was gone, a friend came over every few weeks and deep cleaned my house, like the base boards, and fans, the stuff that I would do, but that get kind of tireing when it is just you, and you have been dealing with kids who are still having trouble dealing with Daddy being gone. That takes effort and energy, and they need more of your time. Driving the kids to school or classes, taking them out on a fun outing to a park so that Mom can just be alone, that is good too. A list of people she can call if something happens to her...like in case of emergency. I always worried about how I would get to the emegency room, or who would take care of my kids if I got too sick to do it. Having a plan and people lined up is a very good feeling of security.
Tell them too, that when you all say, "if there is anything you need" you really mean it, and also remind them to keep a list in their purse for those times that people ask...if you have something that needs to be done, when someone says that, and they will, pull out the list, and let them choose.
Meals are always welcomed, but not like for days in a row, it is usually pasta, and I know that when someone organized meals for us, it was great for a few days, but then my kids got kind of tired of pasta. Not that we did nto appreciate it, just that pasta is kind of a universal gift meal, so spead them out...maybe every other Tuesday, or something like that.
M.
I agree with the other posters!
Specific and or scheduled help!
Having a phone list with available babysitters for appointments, emergencies, etc., and having people just call and say "I'm taking the kids for you tomorrow, will that work?" would be awesome. How about "Can I come over and help you pick up the house and clean a little?" Or (my personal favorite) - "I'm coming over this evening to help you with dinner and getting kids bathed and ready for bed"! Oh I'd give a million dollars for that phone call!
Getting meals brought over is a lifesaver sometimes. You could all pitch in and do a girls day at one of the 'Dreamdinners' places so their freezers are stocked too.
And having help with yardwork (and snow) is great too.
And when you ask if we need help and we say "no, that's ok" - we don't really mean it.
Thank you for supporting your military families! And for recognizing that military spouses carry a heavy burden and are often overlooked. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sounds like they have the major stuff covered. I wish I had such a wonderful group of moms for my husbands year long deployment. Just keep being the amazing friends you are. Be there to listen, read up on what a military wife goes through during the deployment and just be there. It's so wonderful you are all taking care of these woman.
My husband is currently deployed and I'm in a new neighborhood (about 6 months now) and I have to say the people have been GREAT, but it is my own fault for not taking them up on much help. The lawn and yardwork is essential...as is snow-shoveling, etc. Days I woke up and my driveway was cleared and my car cleaned off of snow, I almost wanted to cry!
Give the moms a list, with home phones, cell phones, emails and info like if you're willing to be called at 2am if she has to bring one child to the ER. (I was in that predicament and had no one to call...and it was a scary night...but we all did ok in the end). One woman set up on "Care calendar" a weekly dinner to be delivered to our house by one of the neighbors. Honestly, a meal that I didn't have to make was priceless! After 3 months I feel comfortable stopping that since we're on our feet and driving on, but won't hesitate to ask for a meal or 2 if we all get sick again! Babysitting...PRICELESS. I don't take people up on it,but I NEED TO. I'm starting to go stir crazy. Seriously. Just having someone to watch the kids for an hour while mom takes a walk, or goes to a gym, or a counselor or a Dr. appt, or a pedicure, whatever. Or someone to watch the kids or kid spur of the moment if something arises (that is what stresses me out the most). Can you give them a lift if the car needs to go in for maintenance? Is there a handyman around that can check occasionally for issues in the house? For me, just having someone call and say, "I don't care the state of your house...I'm expecting a disaster area, but I'm bringing some iced tea or ice cream or whatever for a short visit...if that's ok with you. "
Thanks for helping these moms out...military moms are a strong proud group and sometimes have a really tough time asking for or accepting help...so please don't stop asking!
OH, and PS...depending on where the families live, they may or may not have access to the childcare mentioned in a previous post...we are a National Guard family (husband is full time ARNG though) and we live in a civilian community, so we do not have the support, activities, etc. offered to people living near a post.
Have them over for a cook out in the summer. Attend some local events together. Have a girls night out or a shopping trip to a spa or something for them together or separately. The one thing I wished the most was someone just stopping by to say Hi, how are you? No feeling of obligation just carrying when hubby was away.
If you say you will be there to help out really mean it not just say it and not do anything when called upon. It's bad enough hubby isn't there and when something happens someone who said they would be there doesn't step up to the plate and leaves you hanging out there to dry and fend for yourself.
Other than that you sound like you guys have some good plans.
The other S.
look at it like they are a single mom. now when my husband got deployed in the gulf war and I know things will change between then and now. we didnt have an income for a month. we had my measly income. so check the food level help work on the cars change the oil and such. babysitting is wonderful. if they dont get pay for a month they may need food and food stamps might not help cause it is temporary and by the time you go through all the red tape the check is there. if they own thier house and something breaks down minor home repairs ex light switch or new door knob etc. if they get food from the food bank there will be no meat there. just non perishables. milk if they have babies. clothes can generally wait a month. but these other things are a need now basis. medications ex tylenol for the kids if necessary. personal items till the check comes in.and we all need at least one night to ourselves about every month or 2 have a slumber party so they all get a chance to get out. diapers for the baby. incase the check gets held back a month. and tell them thier cars CANNOT BE REPOSSED BECAUSE HE IS ON DEPLOYMENT at least it wasnt in the 90s. the bank may tell them they can but that is bull and have them get a hold of a jag and get power of attorney. they tried to reposses my car while husband was on deployment I was able to call him and tell him (this was due to the checks being held back ) and he told his commander who told a jag. the jag called the bank and I never heard another word and never lost my car. let them know jags will be their best friend.
Really the only thing I can think to add to the other moms is to be a grown up to talk to on a regular basis. I missed having another adult to talk to every day while my husband was deployed. I was home all day with the kids and only had adult interaction a couple of days a week at church.
I agree with being specific with your offers. I never said yes when someone asked if there was anything they could do. But I so appreciated everything that was done.
Bless you for taking so much interest and care for these women and their families during this time.
