My 5 year old granddaughter is going through a rough time. Her mom and dad have been split up for at least 3 years with my son having her and her brother for the majority of those 3 years with no, or minimal contact with the mom. The kids were granted visitation with their mom last year. My son also has a girlfriend that is now his fiancée. My 5 year old granddaughter is very stubborn and has started throwing up every time she eats dinner at home (with her dad and his fiancée). The fiancée is at her wits end and doesn't know how to get threw to my granddaughter. What can we do?
Additional note: As far as I know she doesn't do this at her mom's house. She doesn't do it when she's at my house unless she stuff her mouth too full. She has a VERY sensitive gag reflex! My son's fiancée says that she may eat only about 5 bites of something and then she throws up. She doesn't do this at head start or her other preschool.
Has this been discussed with their pediatrician? Look at medical reasons first before moving on to behavioral issues, then consider a therapist who works with children - she sounds like she needs professional help.
Perhaps they are pressing her to much to eat what she's served. A parent doesn't win anything by being a dictator about food and or mealtimes.
I hope you can visit with your granddaughter and find out just what is happening during mealtime there.
Doctor, then therapist. Seriously, figure out what's going on. If her life is in that much turmoil, she needs help to deal with it. She may be a very sensitive kid, and considering mom isn't in the picture, and now dad has a new woman, what's she going to think? She probably thinks that dad's going to abandon her for someone else. Defiance is the last thing I would consider. The poor kid's probably miserable and afraid to count on anyone being there for her.
You say that the fiancee is at her wit's end. What does she do when the girl throws up? How does she act? How does the father act?
If I were the father, I'd talk to the pediatrician and ask for a play therapist to come to the house and see what the family dynamic is like. I'd have dinnertime be part of this.
The father and fiancee need to have professional help to deal with it.
Truth be told, I would not marry a man whose child did this when I was present. It's too much of a minefield, in my mind.
I don't know if you feel that this woman is not good for your son or not. I feel sorry for everyone involved, but what is absolutely necessary is that the girl get EXPERT help. If that means your son and his fiancee get counseling to learn how to manage this, then they should do this.
Yeah… I don't see a five year old throwing up out of spite. That's ridiculous. It sounds like stress induced or that she has undiagnosed allergies to something she is being told to eat. The woman can't get threw [sic] to her because she's not doing it on purpose, and as long as she continues to misunderstand the child, the child will continue to feel extreme stress.
"get through to her" about what?
What does your son have to say about this? how doeshe act when there are issueswith his daughter?
Not defiance, in terms of if you punish, it will cure it. She needs a family therapist. they need to fix issues and communicate better. She needs to feel like she is listened to. Her stubbornness might get her the help she really needs.
If you ignore or punish, this just might turn into a serious eating disorder.
Get help.
I would take her to the doctor to rule out a medical problem and suggestions for how to hanle this. It does sound like it's caused by emotions. Urge the fiance to stop trying to get through to her. Your granddaughter needs for her to talk calmly and sympathetically to her as she helps her clean up.
Her father and fiance need to back off from trying to ge t her eat. Provide the food and let her decide whether or not to eat. She will not be harmed by not eating in this situation. She needs love and understanding. She is likely anxious and uncomfortable. She is not doing this because she's stubborn. She is doing this either because she is upset or because she needs to alliwed to have some power.
What are your son, his fiance and granddaughter's feelings qnd attitude? Is your grandaughter angry and throwing a tantrum when she vomits? Or is she crying or quiet? Are the adults angry with her? Or do they quietly accept her while calmly encouraging her to eat ? Do they firmly and in frustration insist that she stop vomiting and that she must eat?
With this history in her brief life I suggest she feels helpless and and is trying to gain a power in the only way she knows so she will feel safer.
One way his father and fiance can help is to be sympathetic while allowing her to have choices. Your use of the words "get thru to her" makes it sound like they feel that they have to have control when what she needs is to know that she also needs to have some control. This situation may have become a power struggle. The way the adults can be back in control is to share their power with her. Allow her to not eat. Be friendly and accepting. Give her coices of foods.
Above all they need to give her time and positive experiences to build her trust in them.
I would find out why with help of a doctor.
-Does she make herself throw-up (sticking fingers down her throat for example)?
-Could she have an intolerance to certain food that is now becoming more obvious (her throwing up after dairy for example)?
-You know her better than us, but I have a hard time thinking it would be defiance. Do you know if your granddaughter throw-up when she eats at her mom's house?
I also do not know what she needs to "get through" to her boyfriend's daughter.
It sounds to me like the stress over the situation (and don't tell me there isn't any - this sounds like a very stress filled, drama type situation with mom, dad, girlfriend, custody, etc)...anyhow, sounds like the stress that probably attacks her when she sits down with these people to eat literally makes her sick to her stomach.
Consider the fact that she doesn't do it anywhere else. Even if she IS doing it on purpose (unlikely, but not impossible) - that really says the same thing. She's stressed.
Without other details about WHY she's so stressed, I can't offer any advice.
5 year olds experiencing this response are not faking it - they are not able to "stomach" the situation. this five year old needs to be able to talk with someone outside the drama of this situation who provides her some emotional safety, like a child psychologist. Parents have no idea how their divorce impacts the thinking and feelings of a small child and it is helpful to get outside help (not from someone who will give her drugs for this to fix her, but someone compassionate and skilled at communications with a five year old so she can release her feelings other ways than by throwing up. Many children are hypersensitive to the denied feelings of others. So if the fiance and father are feeling anything they are not expressing, she may be ingesting those on top of her own feelings and just not be able to handle it. Please get her compassionate outside help!
I think I would start by asking more questions about what happens at meal time there. As someone else suggested, are they forcing her to eat what is on her plate? Do they say she has to eat XYZ before she's allowed to get up or something? If so, that could be part of the problem…and they need to quit it. Is she trying to eat super fast so that she can do something…like are they saying if you finish your dinner in 5 minutes you can watch TV or something? If her gag reflex is so sensitive maybe she is stuffing her mouth to get something (or get out of something) and she's vomiting.
If none of these things are happening, then yeah, I guess I would ask the pediatrician. It definitely sounds like it could be stress, stress can manifest itself in strange ways, but if it's only happening in one place, I would say the stress is sourcing from that one place.
Hi! I'm sorry to hear your granddaughter is going through this. Ruling out anything medical would be a good place to start. After she has been checked up by her pediatrician, you may want to look for a good child psychiatrist. A child psychiatrist is a physician so they can keep their eyes open for co occurring medical conditions. Many also do family and individual play therapy - your granddaughter may need both kinds of therapy. They may also refer you to other therapists like social workers. Take care.
