First Week in School, Disruptive in Class, tantrums...how Do I Approach This?

Sounds like, he is testing his teacher. Once she nips this in the bud, his behavior should improve.

I've seen this many times. I have completed my 15th year working for Northside I.S.D.

Good Luck.

You are not a failure. You are the mother of a 5 year old boy who has just experienced a huge change in his life. He sounds very immature. This is not unusual for 5 year old boys. It is WONDERFUL that he loves school. You can work with that.

Was he in day care before this? If not. This could be a very long "structured" day for him. He is used to doing what he wants and following his own schedule.

Make sure he gets enough sleep at night. Make sure he is getting enough breakfast and lunch. I would also suggest that every afternoon when you pick him up, give him a good healthy snack and then take him to swim, the playground, riding his bike for a long distance, whatever.. Maybe try to teach him a new activity. Roller skating, hitting a ball with a bat, a tennis racket, rock climbing.. so he can work off that energy. Maybe invite a classmate to go to your home and play for an hour and a half once a week.. You can use this to motivate and reward "good behavior" at school.

Then let him come home and have quiet time. Try to keep the evening at a slow pace. Keep dinner quiet but with lots of conversation, then get him into a quiet bath ritual. No TV.. it will rile him up. Puzzles, playing cars, board games.. things with his family. Read him a book and see if he will go to bed a little earlier. Try 15 minutes earlier each week till you are sure he is getting enough sleep. You may need to put up black out shades. I used to hang quilts this time of year in my daughters room.

Explain to him the type of behaviors that are expected of him while at school. No biting, hitting, spitting or yelling are ever allowed. He is expected to stay in his chair as long as the teacher says. He must pay attention to what the teacher is talking about. This is what big boys in school do. That if he is getting frustrated, he needs to raise his hand and let the teacher know. He may need a few minutes to sit quietly. Also ask the teacher if she has noticed the time of day this behavior begins and see if you can give him some suggestions on how to express his needs without all of the "drama".

This is a huge adjustment. Do not take it personally I promise the teachers do not sit around and think parents are "bad". They want all of their students to succeed. Just focus on how to help your son succeed.

How's his diet and sleep?
Can you set an appt to observe the class?

I think it would be good to physically be there and get a feel for the teacher. Some are really tired of kindergarteners but they get stuck there for "one more year" anyway. If that's the case, get him moved!

You're not a parental failure, I promise you. It might take some time for your son to get with the flow of kindergarten and that is okay!!! But you really need to understand the flow of his classroom yourself. And that way you'll have a chance to talk to the teacher and get to know her, too. Best of luck~

questions for the teacher: What do you think started these tantrums...he wasn't doing them at the beginning of the week...why now?
How did you handle this when it happened? Did he gain attention from doing this (even if negative?)

Is he being overlooked with positive reinforcement and is seeking any kind of attention? Is he frustrated with work? Is he bored? Does he have low blood sugar or an energy dip before this starts?

Figuring out what he's trying to do or say by throwing the fits might help you figure out how to stop them.

Our fifth child has exhibited the same behavior (right down to the spitting) as we sit down to home school (none of the others did this and I'll be dog gonned if I can figure the little guy out (aged 4))...but we've tried to be proactive in dealing with him rather than just reacting to his fits. He seems to be maturing and the extreme behavior is less frequent. We even sought out counseling to try to give us ideas as to why he'd react the way he did. Dad is spending more time with him. He's being included with the big brothers in games more. We're giving as much positive attention, and challenging him more academically. He's an insistent little boy and doesn't like to be overlooked...anyway these are things we're trying. Will be interested in finding out how you handle this or information the teacher may share from her expertise.

Blessings to you on this challenge!

Hi M.,

I'm sorry to hear your son is hitting a few bumps with the start of school. It is quite normal for kids to feel a bit anxious and even act up a bit as they adjust to a new environment and routine. This is not the first time your son's teacher has had to deal with helping her students through rough patches. Talk with her regularly seeking advice on how to support her and your son, speak positively about school with your son, encourage him to do his best and obey the rules and give it a few weeks!

All children mature at different paces. Good teachers know how to handle these situations and encourage improvements. With encouragement and consistant messages and actions from his teacher and you, he'll be fine.

Good luck,
Parent Coach J. B

I agree with Laurie A. Read hers again :)

Teacher's have it tough. Make sure you communicate with his teacher to know you are working WITH her on this problem.
If she knows you care, it will help. Communicate and support her actions when and if she needs to discipline him.
Work as a team and ask her advice.

And this should go w/o saying but every day he misbehaves, you take away something he loves after school whether it's a toy or TV time.

He is 5yrs old and just starting K. Your previous poster gave great advice. Is he having problems all during the day, or at certain times? Transitions are very hard at this age, and many kids act out between activities. When is he sitting and behaving well and when is he acting out? See if you can find the answers to those two situations. Also, make sure nothing else is going on, like someone teasing him, or egging him on at times. Finally, K has changed a lot over the years and your child may need more movement time than he is getting in class.

If working with the teacher and your son you are still aren't getting more appropriate behavior, you may want to talk to the teacher about a behavior chart specifically for your son. She will know what one is, and you can help reinforce the chart at home, enough stars earned and he can get a prize. One piece of advice, at this age a behavior chart should not target anymore than 2 behaviors. Anymore and your son may be overwhelmed.

I, too, agree with Laurie. Just keep in mind that he has never been in school before . . . EVER. He doesn't understand the rules and expectations, and he can't possibly be expected to know how to behave all of a sudden when thrown in the deep end of the pool! My son also started kindergarten this week, and I too got a note home from school on the second day. Like you, I was quite upset about it, but realize that it's nothing personal to me or to my son. It's just a note from the teacher pointing out a behavior that could become a huge problem later on down the line if we don't nip it in the bud now. So I did my best, let the teacher know as much, and we work together for him to get the best education possible. Give him a little guidance and a little time to adjust.

speaking from experience I would suggest to set up a parent teacher conference immediately. Get the school counselor involved if needed, that is what they are there for.

My son is a very sweet and polite boy, but he has some issues with self control. Specifically controlling his talking. We've had lots of problems but have been successful with parent teacher conferences and meetings with the school counselor.

There could be many reasons why your son is having issues. It's important to find out what the underlying problem is, and I'm sure it has nothing to do with your parenting skills.

It's also important for you to show the school that you are an involved parent and you are willing to have meetings and work with them to get to the bottom of things, otherwise they will automatically blame you for the issues.

Hang in there I'm sure you will get through it!

I'm sure you'll get lots of good advice -- my only suggestion is to calm down and wait. If his behavior is far away from what you have seen in the past, he is probably going to settle in pretty soon. It will help if the teacher sees you are concerned and engaged, and genuinely working with the teacher, and vice versa, can have amazing effects -- all the adults on the same page makes such a difference for the kid. But remember that this is brand new for him and he hasn't shown these tendencies in the past, so he's likely to move through this chaotic adjustment period and settle down. If for some reason he doesn't in another couple of weeks of coordinated, calm tweaks, I know from experience that you can find excellent support from the school in helping him to succeed, but I doubt it will ever come to that. Staying calm and not "catastrophizing" helps resolve things quicker.

Good luck!
M.

Hi M.,

You most certainly have not failed as a parent! It's perfectly normal for children (and parents) to experience separation anxiety when they start school. This can manifest itself in many different forms. Some kids cry, other act out, while others may withdraw.

Naturally, we want to do everything possible to (1) encourage them, (2) reassure them, and (3) motivate them. You are certainly on the right track by speaking to the teacher about the matter. Most Kindergarten teachers know and expect the kids to experience some separation anxiety. To what extent, is dependent on each child, their personality, if they had a stay at home parent, have school aged siblings, had daycare experience, etc.

Having been through this with my own four children, here are a few suggestions/tools that have worked well for me.

(1) Like you, I spoke with the teacher...Then, I spoke with my child. I was very enthusiatic about school, making new friends, attending school parties, etc when I spoke with them. The teacher and I communicated daily via email. This allowed me to know how the day went before my child came home. I found my kids perception of an event was far more extreme then the actual event which occurred. However, in their eyes it was that BAD! I'd try and explain why a child may have done ______. I'd tell them something like, "Maybe they miss their mom, are afraid because they don't know anyone yet, or they may have been just having a bad day." Then, I'd suggest "making them your friend. Ask them to sit by you at lunch or play kickball with you at recess." If they weren't comfortable saying this to them, I'd walk them to class in the a.m. and "help" them ask the child. I'd also be sure to send a little something special in their lunch to share with their new friend. It really helped them to feel like they had some control in the situation. So while they were helping others, they were helping themselves too!

(2) The teachers have a rewards/consequences system for the kids. So, I would encourage the positive behavior with my own personal rewards/consequences system. Don't get me wrong, I am not bribing them to be good. If they ended their day on the bear (good) or honey pot (extra good), Mon - Fri I would take them for an ice cream, pick a day the next week for me to join them for lunch, let them pick dinner, or a movie for family movie night, etc. If they didn't achieve this, we'd discuss what happened and I'd have them tell me what they should do different next time, so they achieve their goals. I found they were more anxious to achieve goals they set for themselves versus telling them what they should do. It helped then and still does today for problem solving and conflict resolution.

(3) As for the negative behaviors, I go back to "Treat others the way you would like to be treated." Instead of telling them why spitting in class or at someone is wrong, I have them tell me. Yes, I ask a lot of questions. It may take 30 minutes vs. 3, but it's well worth the time spent. It's difficult not to get discouraged or upset when our kids act in undesirable ways; especially, when we know that's not really who our kids are. I'd ask ?'s like...Why did you spit on Jon? Do you think that was the right thing to do? How would you feel if Jon spit on you? Would you like it? I bet Jon didn't either. What should you have done? What are you going to do next time _____ happens? When you see Jon tomorrow, what are you going to do? I'm looking for the apology. If they seem apprehensive, again I'd go with them, make sure they looked them in the eye, apologize for their action, tell them it won't happen again, and agree to be friends. I've only had once instance in which it did not work. That is when I made sure they were separated in class. My child had done everything I taught him and the child kept on relentlessly. The teacher did contact his parents directly. This alleviated the majority of the problem.

(4)As for listening...Kids at age 5 have very short attention spans. To help him adjust, I'd suggest creating times at home that require the same skills. I.e.-reading a bedtime story. Have him find the "rabbit" in the story. Ask him what he thinks will happen next. Play a game like the card game Memory for 10 minutes. You may need to start by using a timer, but you'll soon find they play well past 10 minutes and stop asking if they can go ___________. There are also some great interactive CD's available that play songs asking the kids to "touch their toes", "reach for the sky", etc. These are great to increase their focus and listening skills. Better then that, they're fun! I'd pause it and ask what we were supposed to do. If they didn't know I'd go back and remind them to listen very closely. After awhile, they started asking me, "Mom, are you listening?" It was too cute and very effective!

(5) Finally, (and I will get off my soapbox), ask the teacher if she has read the story The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn. The teachers in our district share this story consistently.

It's about a little raccoon going to Kindergarten. He's experiencing separation anxiety and other emotions about going to school. Mom gives him a kiss in the middle of his palm and tells him whenever he feels lonely or misses her, he can just press his palm to his cheek and feel her love go straight to his heart. The kiss won't wear off and will be with him wherever he goes. He even leaves mom a "special kiss" in case she misses him during the day! :)

I love this story & it is now a practice in our home for everything. It's used every time we part.

This year the teacher sent a letter, after sharing the story with the class, asking us to trace our hand and she created a special place in the classroom for them to be displayed. Now the kids can see and touch mom's hand anytime they need to feel our love. I just love the whole concept. It truly does help the kids with the transition. Of course, you can get the book and share it with your son and create your own special little secret. ;-)

I wish you all the best! You're doing a great job as a mom. I hope your little guy has a great week and a wonderful year!

J. F.
http://www.4MeAndMom.com

This reminds me of a frined of mine who went through the same thing with her son. Caught her compltetely off guard, and it was very odd for this boy to be getting in trouble. As it turns out he was over tired, and hungry. In Kinder here rest times are optional, so his teacher chose not to do them. She also often forgot to have a snack time for the kids. The boy was still used to taking daily naps and of course snacks. Once the mom realized this. She worked with the teacher to make sure there were snack times, and she put her son to bed earlier. I can;t remember if it was 7:00 or 7:30, but it was suprisingly earlier, but it is what he needed, and it fixed the behavior problem.

Hi M.,
No you have not failed as a parent. It may be that your son is not really ready for the kindergarten experience. It would not hurt him to stay out one year and mature a little more. He is acting out because he does not know how else to get attention he thinks he is missing. The teacher has to spend her time split with all the others in the classroom
I had a son and a grandson who experienced the same issues- holding them back a year at this stage in their live is the best you can do for him. Next year he will be really ready. If in the meantime you have the opportunity to send him to a daycare type school maybe 3 days a week, just to get him in the swing- that would be good too. Texas law actually says you do not have to start first grade before age 7 - My sister held all 4 of her children out until that time and they did marvelously in school in later years.
good luck and blessings

u better getting it under control now....imagine if u don't, u'll have worse behaviors from a teenager....consult w/ ur school counselor for direction. good luck

is he getting plenty of sleep? i noticed that when kids havent gotten enough sleep they were horrid. also if you can take a day off of work and go to his school wait outside the class room door and when you hear him miss behaving open the door tell him to go to you and talk to him make him have a time out in the hall. you havent failed at all he just thinks he can have fun because the teacher is so busy. good luck. also time out at home if he didnt behave.

I believe he is testing the limits to see just how far he can go. You do need to nip this in the bud before it gets out of hand. The last thing you want is for the school to label him as ADHD and force medication on him (I have seen this happen).

Meet with the teacher and go over some strategies. You both need to be on the same page and speaking the same language. If the teacher is worth her salt, she can and will help you with this.

Try a reward system. If your son comes home for 2 days with no incidents, he gets a piece of candy (whatever is his favorite thing- something worth it for him) then try 3,4, then the whole week.

Good Luck!

M.,
I have twin 5 yr old girls who also just started Kindergarten.
Thes first two days were great, the last two not so great. thurs one had on her daily paper that she was not accepting discipline from the teacher. Friday the other one got the same type note, misbehaving & disobeying. then they were both rowdy on the bus on the way home.
I myself & giving 3 licks on the behind everytime they misbehave at school. I know they are keyed up & excited & they are trying out the teacher to see where the boundaries are. You know us moms let them get away with more than they can get away with at school or anywhere else.
Because mine are 5 going on 6, they do understand that regardless that this is a big adjustment for them, they must behave & mind their teacher & bus driver. So I am reinforcing punishment at home, because I feel if I let this slide due to the fact it "different" than their normal home routine & schedule, they will always act out at any change, when they should be learning its time to be a big girl & behave themselves. Or else everytime change comes about in their life they are going to act out in bad behavior rather than learning to cope with the change & make it a pleasant & enjoyable time in their life. Im not cold hearted at all, i just feel they need to understand they must behave & that there will be consequences if they dont. I am eagerly reading your responses you receive to help me out even further, with my kindergarten girls :)