Firefighter Husband...

Wow, you two do have a lot going on. I am not sure I and my husband could have both been in school/training at the same time with a 2 year old.

I know you are doing this so you can both have wonderful careers and good incomes. A home is also a wonderful goal. But when you have a child, what should be both of your top priority?

Maybe one if you could cut back on schooling? Not take the schooling or training full time? Is there a way to do this? I know it sounds terrible to say that, but I know in our relationship and home life, we have had to take turns, with our careers and goals while our child was young. Actually we waited 10 years to have our child so that we could be there for her as a family.

When Our daughter was first born, I was a buyer for a large Dept store and traveled a lot. She was 6 weeks old and I had a buying trip for 2 weeks. My husband cared for her and worked in town that entire time on his own. He worked at a Television station and had to go and film a political convention out of state for 10 days, so then I was totally in charge. Then during the Christmas holidays, while a buyer and then the years as a store manager, there were times I was working 18 hours a day for weeks, so my husband was really the main caregiver. And when he had assignments It fell on me..

These are the things that we just had to do. It was hard, but we knew, just by looking at each other what we were thinking. "I love you" could be said just be a wink. Or by a little exhausted wiggle of the fingers..

We left post it note messages to each other on the bathroom mirror. Back then we did not have computers and cell phones so there were lots of quick voice mails left to each other. Just saying the words. "I miss you", said everything.. It meant, I love you, I appreciate you and I a know this will not be forever.

Our top priority at that time was our daughter and that was fine with both of us. We knew we as a couple were fine and for a while, it was our daughter that would be both of our top priority.. When we did have a moment together to just plop down on the sofa, sometimes we were so exhausted.. just touching shoulders was enough.

Have a sit down with each other and just state what you are feeling. Reassure each other you know that this is hard on both of you, but you know when you reach your goals it will have been worth it. Also discuss, some code words. for "I love you",
"I miss you", "I need help", "I am freaking out" and "Code red!. I am totally about to loose it and really need you here top priority!"

http://www.fireproofmymarriage.com/

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

It's good info- I like it, personally. You have to make the time to stay connected. Make sure days off are family days. Make sure dad spends
special time with your boy. You're moving in a positive direction, but you have to literally carve out time to be a family, and carve out time to be husband and wife. Make your moments count. Schedule it. Send sexy text messages to him. Slip a love note in his pocket. Tell him what you want and need from him.

You have to support each other and always show your appreciation, even if the other hasn't done so...it is contagious. Make each other feel good for the work you do and dream of your future, go ahead.

I had a traveling husband and it was hard, but it was for us and we are together still 14 years later.

Yes it's hard to have a goal oriented person who feels they do all the "work". I work in a hospital and see many who are going to school for their RN and have spouses/ex's who are firefighters. The line of work has a tendency to consume days at a time and only the most diligent to their relationship survive. You guys will have a challenging time the next 2-3 years while you are perfecting your careers. A little get away doesn't have to be expensive and it even could be done with a staycation while someone else watches your child at their house. A few nights of candlelight dinners, a day or two in bed together and a day or 2 of being tourists right in your own area can go a long way. Also start the time together with a sit down to air out dirty laundry and lay ground rules for only having fun the next couple of days. Then set a goal of having 1 date night a month after that. I know it's not alot, but with school and everything don't add one more stress. Do the preventative medicine it's worth it.

Your a young couple who is striving for a better life. Everything both of you are doing is so that your life down the road will be wonderful. Your both working hard on this and raising a child. All good things come to those who wait. You need to steal moments. You need to give those I love you looks at the dinner table or in passing while your both working for a better life. When in bed talk and giggle and love each other. Let each other know that you know we are so busy and dont forget your here for each other. no matter what!! Marriage is also work.....Keep the communication open all the time! Good luck now go call your man or grab a kiss!!

You DO have a lot on your plate! Put off nursing school for awhile. When my son was little and asking where Daddy was, I'd tell my son he's working hard for us because he loves us so much. And what 2 yr old wouldn't love a visit to a fire house now and then? We didn't take vacations for a long time and it was fine. We'd have occasional picnics on the living room floor, or a back yard camp fire and roast hot dogs and marshmallows. It was cheap fun, but all our money was tied up in the house at first. When my son was 4 yrs, we finally took out first trip to the beach. Leave love notes to each other on the fridge or bathroom mirror or in his lunch (if he brown bags it). You will get through this, and when you look back on it years from now, you'll wonder how you did it. You will be fine!

My first thought was, can one of your postpone your schooling until the other one finishes? I know you are doing it so that you can provide a wonderful home for your child and yourselves...and be more secure in this scary economical world we are in right now...BUT...you need to protect your family and your relationship with your husband, or what is the purpose of all of this?
Do you have a friend with young children that you could trade off "date night babysitting" with? Make it a goal to have a "just the two of you night" at least once a month. Spend that time just enjoying each other, remind yourself daily of why you love this man, and remind HIM of how much you love him!! Like one of the other Moms' said...just a short text saying "I love you, I miss you..." can do wonders to lift your spirits if you are having a rough day!!
Also ask your husband to schedule in Daddy time everyday...even if it is just sitting on the sofa to read a couple of books to your son...or going out into the back yard to play tag or throw a baseball...he needs to be an active participant in your sons life.
Don't let work,school and saving for a new home shove the things that have a lasting importance...family...making wonderful memories with your son and loving each other...to the back burner!!!
Good luck...it isn't easy..but it is worth it .

S.,

I'm in the same boat. My husband IS an RN and works 7 days a week so I can stay home full-time with my 3 year old son and 9 month old daughter. It's a sacrifice to keep my kids out of day care. My son, too, asks where daddy is. But, he has learned that "daddy goes to work" and has accepted this and is doing famously. He often pretends HE is going to work to make money. He brings "it" back to me and is very proud of himself. Your husband seems to be making his contribution to the family and so are you. It seems pretty equal to me. I complain to my husband that I am tired all of the time and he complains to me. We are both sick and tired, but our kids are happy and fed and have clothes on their backs, and that is what is most important. My husband and I do go on 1-2 week long vacations together alone to "find ourselves" again. It seems you are "living the american dream" and your issues are no different than many others...just keep plugging along and, as they say, "this too shall pass". Also, build your husband up....tell him he is doing a great job....I would hope he would reciprocate. Now that you have a child, everything you do should be about him....not, of course, neglecting your marriage. Good luck and you are doing fine!

My husband is a police officer so I can relate to the shift work and the crazy schedule. We get through it, but sometimes it is really hard. Especially when one of the boys is going through a particularly difficult stage. We try to make best use of our time together. I have to say that I credit him to that. I always want to finish cleaning up or throw a load of laundry in...but he reminds me that all of that stuff will be there later, that we need to sit down and smell the roses, so to speak. Our parents are very good with telling us to go on a "date" and they watch the boys. I'd say about every couple of months we do that!

Our 2 year old is always asking where daddy is. You know what helped, we got him a few police cars and he goes over to them and says "poees, daee". He knows daddy is a police officer and thinks of him every time he plays with those cars.

We go and visit down at the station every now and then too. Police and fire fighters get some down time if something crazy isn't going on. So, we'll pack up dinner and go eat with him. They boys love it, they get to see all of the cars and guys in their uniforms.

Good luck, it is hard, you HAVE to work on it. Don't just keep letting it go, because one day you may wake up and find that you can't get it back!

Do not start nursing school- just wait. Nursing school will be there when your husband finishes. If you need some time to recover from all the children including yours... start taking the time and do not feel guilty for it. You can not be there for your husband if you are exhausted and you will end up resenting him. (6 mos of therapy speaking here- still going) Once I started taking care of me and putting me first since he wasn't I resented mine much less. I have put nursing school on the back burner until my 2 yr old goes to kinder. That way I can have that time with her. I will never get it back so I take care of me and I take care of us. Praying that all works out for you!

My husband was gone alot also through out our marriage, one of the things that I did for my little ones was find a cartoon that I knew would have something on it that had a person that did the same kind of work. Or you could take a picture of dad in uniform and let him see it. Have it inlarged or even a DVD of firemen working so he can see it.

Ok, first off I want to tell you that you ARE appreciated for all that you do for your family. Now your problem, I want you to know that you are not alone. You have at least one person (me) that shares your situation. My husband is not a firefigher he works for the university during the day and the hospital at night. He leaves by 7 or 8 in the morning and gets home between 11 and 1 in the morning and works 2 weekends a month plus he picks up shifts for his buds who need help. Now I feel just like you. My marriage on the rocks have had sex once this year, we have older kids I don't know if that makes it easier or harder we have 4 boys 13,12,10and5. He tries every Tuesday during the summer to take one of them to work with him a week and they love it but I feel criticized all the time because we have no time for communication. He has had 3 heart attacks in the last 3 years and the last one last year put him on life support for a week. I don't work I am a stay home mom but financially we ad fine so I am trying to talk him into at least cutting his hours in half. Have you talked to him about scholarships and grants for school instead of a second job??
I guess that would be my advice. Even taking out a loan to help support you. Your marriage is worth it. Try scholarships and grants first then go for the loans. It's really nothing more Ghana credit card payment with no intrest. It would be worth it to me to help him have so much less to do and more time for you guys.

Are you allowed to "pop" in at his station? I'd make sure he saw Daddy everyday and that you did too!! Doesn't have to be for long - but a kiss and hug can go along way.

I do agree that taking turns at schooling while your son is young would be a good thing. You'll never get these years back. I am at SAHM and my husband traveled extensively when we were first married and when our kids were young. I hate it that neither of them have a bonded relationship with him, but he was never there.....now they're both in their late teens and it's just too late - he doesn't even know how to begin and now they've got lives of their own. Don't let that happen - it's heart breaking.

We just had our 30th anniversary and have had similar situation. Not only has my husband been a shift worker (10-12 hour days) all of those years, but also 25 years as a volunteer fireman which even disrupts us in the middle of the night and at mealtimes. I can remember times when our children were very young and I would be desperate for adult conversation. We have seen many of his coworkers' marriages fall apart. What made ours work?... My husband is great about calling home just to say "I love you" whereas I am more likely to leave a note for him to find when he gets in late at night, or we send text messages during the day. We've made sure that his days off were also our "days off" from errands, heavy housework, doctor appointments (if avoidable). Those days were for family time. Yes, saving money for a house is important, but more important is a happy, healthy family. Perhaps someone you babysit for could reciprocate by keeping your little guy for a night or two so you and your husband can get some time alone to recharge. Once a year we either read a marriage enrichment book together or take a class through our church. I highly recommend the "fireproof your marriage" website which was mentioned in a previous post. Marriage is a commitment and requires some work, even when we are exhausted.

I don't know where you live, but you can get on Orbitz an find some really good deals. To even just drive to the next City or State can be a cheap vacation. You can explore a new place while spending that quality time you need. You can get a hotel for really cheap price. My family went to Ruidoso, NM for about $500. We were gone a week. We drove the 11 hours and then on Orbitz we got our room at Best Western for $37 a night. It came with free breakfast, so that took care of the cost of one of our meals. Then we just explored whatever there was to do there. We didn't do the skiing because we had a little one with us, but we did enjoy hiking and playing in the snow. You don't have to spend a lot or go far to make a small vacation or getaway. Good luck to you and I'm sure this temporary situation will not cause you to divorce unless there is something else straining the relationship.

My husband went to school full time. He finished in three years. At the same time he held a full time job at night and drove a cab on weekends. During that time we had our first child. I remember how lonely it was at times. We did survive it and have been married 61 years. Hang in there. Do find some time together as a family and especially as husband and wife.

I am also a firefighters wife, and a stay at home mother of 3. I can relate to your feeling like you are the only one raising your child. My sweet husband also works 2 other jobs and when he's home he like to take it easy unless I have a project I requested him make for our family. As far as divorce rates with firefighters...please never compare your relationship with a statistic! Believe in your marriage and put your husband first and blessings will ignite between the two of you. Always communicate your feelings with him in a "this is how I feel" approach and never complain about his faults just talk it out. When my husband and I included God in our love triangle, we grew closer each day and continue to appreciate and respect each other more. As a family we read scriptures and have family prayer every day. That builds an unbreakable bond that will grow stronger as we endure to the end. May blessings come to your family as they must surely when you look to the Lord!

Wow I think we have similar lives. My husband is also a Firefighter/EMT. he is the fire chief and the fire marshall of our town. He works for our home town and also for a chemical company as a firefighter. He too is at work ALL the time. If not at work he is doing something for work while at home. TV is his only down time. I have felt the same way you are feeling now. We have been married for 28 years. Our marriage has gone thru all these up and downs over the years. I felt negleted, esp. when our 3 children were young. It never failed when we were doing something as a family that fire alarm would go off and away my husband would go. After a few years I got a job teaching preschool and keeping kids to suplement our income. We have gone to counseling together when it got to be to much. Things improved when we made time for each other. Makeing time is so hard but very important. I am proud of my husband and I know he is doing what most men will never do. This job of his is so dangerous. your son will look upon his father as a hero. Just remind your husband he needs to give you and your son time also. your marriage can work if you both commit time and lots of love.