Fetal Demise

hello,

I recently went thru the same thing at the end of august. i went to the doctor and find out my baby had died at 8 weeks when i was 11 weeks along. it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. i did all the research and had decided on a d&c , it seems the simpliest and healtiest way to go. i am here to talk or answer any questions you have.

I know many women who have opted for either one, but I have foudn that the moms who chose to deliver, felt that it helped them emotionally feel that they had completed the cycle. Whatever you choose, my heart goes out to you.

A.,
I'm sorry I don't know anything about this, but I wanted to say I'm so sorry for you. One of my best friends had this happen to her, too (she delivered vaginally but the baby was 36 weeks). She now has 2 beautiful boys.
M.

Dear A.,
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby. I imagine that you must be feeling blindsided, and confused as to what will happen next. I see that there are many posts here, many of which discuss D&C or miscarriage experiences. Although I know that people mean well and are trying to relate, I would advise you to keep in mind that, from a medical standpoint, your experience will not be the same as theirs. A first trimester miscarriage is nothing like what you will experience, whether you do it naturally or have the D&E. I have been through both procedures; the recovery from the D&E was complicated whereas the D&C's were very straightforward. I have gone thru natural miscarriage and also, 'missed miscarriage' where the loss had not begun naturally yet. I did not have the option of natural delivery for my 2nd trimester loss because they thought I had an intrauterine infection. I had to have a D&E and they asked me what I wanted to do with 'the tissue' after the procedure, and I told them that I didn't want to see it (when they referred to it as 'tissue', I imagined the worst and it scared me because I thought I would be too traumatized). As it turns out though, my daughter was already in position to come out before they began the procedure, so as soon as they inserved the speculum, she came out completely whole and beautiful. Unfortunately, becasue of what I had already told them, I never got to hold her, or get pictures of her. My point ins sharing all of this with you is to say that, I regret that to this day (not being able to hold her and say goodbye). Even though fetuses at that age are very small, with translucent skin (so they appear red, not 'skin colored'), everyone I know who has gotten photos from babies as young as 16 weeks gestation and as old as 40 weeks cherishes those photos like no others. I would give anything to have the same experience but it is too late for me. I see that a couple of people have shared information about a wonderful organization called www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org which is a group of photographers who will come and take photos of you with your precious baby, and it's free. You might not think this is something you'd never want to do, but I would strongly urge you to consider it because you will be so grateful later on to have those photos. You will grieve this loss in your own way, just give it time. I would strongly urge you to read Megan B's post (one of the earliest posts on here) to get a realistic idea of what you might expect. Sadly, I know many people who have suffered losses such as yours and they ALL agree that having the chance to hold their baby and say goodbye was, by far, the most healing aspect of their horrible experience. And ALL of those who didn't have that opportunity wish that they had. Some were afraid at the time, and now regret it, and some simply didh't have the opportunity as they didn't know that they could ask the hospital for that chance. In any case, I hope that this information helps you in some way. I know that you will be getting advice from all directions and in the end, you will need to listen to your heart. Anyway, my point is...please don't be afraid of being traumatized by seeing your baby, because you will be probably be more traumatized if you don't. I am not trying to speak for you, only to base that on what i have seen through my own experience and from the support group that i belong to, called Empty Cradle. We provide support to bereaved parents who have lost babies due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death. I would urge you to get in touch with us if you think it would help www.emptycradle.org. My heart is with you and your family as you begin the grieving process. Please feel free to contact me offline if I can help in any way. Sorry this post is so long and rambling. I wish you all the best in your recovery. Take care <hugs>

Please A., be VERY SURE your baby has died before you do anything at all.

I was told the exact thing and was told that the best thing would be to "Just go across the street and have a DNC." The doctor even picked up the phone to make the call and let them know I was coming over. He had made the determination that my baby was dead based on both physical exam and ultra sound.

Thank the Lord, I was in too much shock to make such a decision. I walked out the door and went home. I grieved the death of my first-conceived child for a month. It was the worst month of my life. Then I made an appointment to go back to the Doctor and discuss my options.

When I went in for my appointment, he did an ultrasound, and my baby had grown a little bit, and had a heart beat. HE HAD BEEN WRONG!!!!!! My baby was NOT DEAD!!!!

I ended up having a C-section to bring my beautiful first-born son into the world. He was 8 1/2 pounds.

Today, my little Tony is a Fireman/Paramedic in the City of Riverside, California. He is 21 years old. He is a whopping 6'2" and weighs 220. He is the epitome of health and intelligence.

My advice, get a second opinion, and even then, WAIT!!!

A., I am praying for you.

Hugs and blessings,
K.

A.,

I'm so sorry that you have to make this decision. I work in Labor and Delivery and we have a program called Resolve Through Sharing (RTS). We help our moms deliver their baby and make precious memories for them. We encourage both parents to participate in bathing and dressing the baby and taking pictures. Often times parents aren't ready to do all that. If that's the case, we suggest that they let us take pictures and let us keep them for them in case they change their mind. There are very, very few families that don't come back. There is also a volunteer organization that will take pictures called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. You can check out the websites for both of these programs (keep in mind that the pictures on the NILMDTS website are of babies that have passed, they are very talented at what they do).

I personally feel that delivering the baby provides for much needed closure. Remember, men and women grieve in very different ways. It is important that neither of you judge each other for how you grieve the loss you are enduring. And when a baby is lost in the womb, no one but another mother who has had the same type of loss can truly understand.

Just know that you are not alone, A.. I hope that you somehow find some peace and comfort throughout this experience.

My thoughts are with you.

HI A.,

I am so sorry for your loss! Our little girl was stillborn at 36 weeks so I understand your pain. Labor for me was 36 hours b/c she was my firstborn. If this is not your first, it may not take as long and they can just drug you up pretty good. If there are no risks with having a D&E at 20 weeks in regards to having further vaginal deliveries, it would probably be less emotional than a long labor, obviously quicker, but you would have to be OK with not seeing your baby. You would get to hold your baby if you delivered, which was very healing for us. We kept our little girl with us until I had to leave the hospital. No nurse dared take her away from us. Kinda weird maybe, but we wanted every minute we could have with her this side of Heaven. I wanted a C-section but my doctor didn't advise me to do it, so when you are in shock and grief, you may also want to consider taking the advice of your doctor. But I agree with the other ladies, go with your heart and what you need. Again, I am so sorry for you. You can write or call me anytime. There is also a GREAT support group through Loma Linda Hospital which I would encourage you to go to. The ladies are wonderful and it helps you deal with the wide range of emotions you will go through, letting you know you are not alone. I can give your more info. later. Praying for you today! K.

First off, big hugs to you... I know this is very difficult.

My friend, at 20 weeks as well, had that happen. Right from the Doctor's office, she had to go to the hospital.. .and she delivered vaginally. She said it was an experience that was not easy...since the "labor" was induced and her baby was not alive.
More than anything, it was an emotional ordeal. To this day, she does not like to talk about it. At this age of her baby, 20-weeks... the Doctor did not do a D & C. I think also because the hospital she was at, did not "do" D & C's at this age of a fetus.

I think more than anything, at least for my friend, it is the "imagery" and the emotions with which you have, that will determine what you wish to do. And yes, how you want to handle the "funeral" type of decisions afterward, or depending on your personal beliefs along with Hubby... what you want to do after for baby.

For my friend, she says although the labor/delivery was an emotional wrenching to go through... she could not bear a D&C to "deliver" her baby... she wanted her "baby" to be "whole."

I know, it is mind-boggling... and it is very personal... if anything, I would ask & sit down with your Doctor about the risks/complications with each type of procedure, and what you can expect. Then, from there, it will be a decision which your heart is telling you. Each woman is different...

All the best, and take care,
Susan

I have experienced this and decided to deliver so that there could be an autopsy to discover if there was any chance of it being genetic. Only reason I went through the ordeal. Figure this is a bit of info that is important.

I am so sorry for you loss. I lost my first child to fetal demise in my 38th week of pregnancy. The pain from that loss is indescribable. I had a c-section and then held my daughter before she went into the morgue. Yes, it sounds horrible and it is. After an autopsy and my release from the hospital a few days later, we had the funeral. It was extremely difficult, as I'm sure you can imagine, but it was nice to have validation for her life and pay the proper respect that she deserved. I visit her grave and bring her flowers several times a year. It is nice to have a physical memorial.

Also, the photos that can be taken of your baby, along with the footprints, locks of hair, and clothing that she is put in for the photos will become the most priceless treasure you'll ever have. I have a scrapbook/album of everything, however, relating to my Sarah. And if you choose a burial, you will have the one and only opportunity to dress your baby.

When I first found out that my baby would be stillborn, I told the doctor that I did not want to see her. The second she was taken out of me, I ordered the medical team to bring her to me immediately. My maternal instinct kicked in immediately and all I wanted to do was hold her for as long as possible, which I then did. And like some other people have said, the baby comes out looking beautiful, like a sleeping baby, and the pictures look beautiful and are a great comfort to have.

I've also had a D&C for a miscarriage, which pales in comparison. So I guess the question for you comes down to if you induce labor, will you be able to hold and then bury your baby, if that is what you want, or would you prefer a D&C and never have to deal with it physically again? The emotional pain will be there either way.

I hope this helps. Let me know if I can be of anymore assistance. And again, I am so sorry for your loss and feel your pain.

K.

Hi A.,
I'm so sorry for you. I too lost my baby last year in September. I had to have a D&C because I had some problems. I wish I had been able to see my baby thru delivery, I think it would have been easier for me to say goodbye. The LORD gave me a dream the morning that I found out. I seen her in the dream and had even named her Natalie, she was perfect. I will be praying for you in time of mourning. God bless you.
J. V.

Hi A.! As with the other moms below, I went through the same experience, at 14 weeks. I was newly married, had already been through one miscarriage and we were excited to be parents. My doctor, a maternal-fetal expert (I was 40 at the time so I had sought out a more credentialed doctor), advised me to go the natural route on the theory that any accidental nicking or tearing to my uterus by the surgurical procedure would delay our efforts to get pregnant while my body healed.

It took me four days to pass the fetus, and was emotionally draining, but it was the right thing for us to do as a family. I don't think that four days is the norm, but I seemed to have some emotional issues "giving up" my baby. It's a whole other long story, but an angel appeared in the form of my hospital room janitor and she walked me through a guided meditation that allowed me to relax and release the fetus.

I'm pleased to report that we went on to give birth to our beautiful little girl, who is now 6-1/2 years old. To help us get past the loss of our 14 week baby, my husband and I both wrote letters and released them with balloons. It was a very cathartic exercise.

Skip the internet and go with your gut. And know that you did a beautiful thing giving your body to a little soul who was ready only to make a partial journey into this life. For more on this, read Embraced By The Light by Betty Eadie.

Good luck! Whatever decision you make is the best for YOU. Make your decision and don't listen to anybody who tells you you should have done it differently. XXOXX.

Dear A.,

I am so sorry for you. I have a good friend who has been through this twice, and she had surgery both times. I don't know why, however. It's not something I've wanted to ask about in too much detail out of respect to her. If I were you, I'd sit down with the doctor and go over what each procedure entails and what sounds the best to you.

Best wishes,
D.

There is no right or wrong answer. And I agree...it is a highly personal decision, and which ever way you go will be the best for you.

My empathy and hugs, I've had many miscarriages, but the little girl I lost @ 20 weeks was the hardest.

I had a D&C. One of my cousins had had a near full-term stillbirth, and it broke all of our hearts. 11 hours of intense labor, for naught, and she knew it (having been diagnosed weeks earlier). I'm sure that experience of watching her choice colored my decision years later. It was hard enough just going through "this"...I wasn't about to go through labor and then "this" as well if I didn't have to. Especially knowing as much about pitocin (and how painful and sometimes dangerous it is) as I did.

The D&C was still miserable(emotionally), and physically nauseating, but it was quick and physically painless.

On a side note: I grew up in Japan, and frequently visited the cemeteries for unborn children with my caretaker Miyoko-san. She had miscarried 3 children and visited their gaves. Most of the time she was happy, sometimes grave, but she always talked to them & brought a little something and left it there for them; a toy, a book, babyshoes. I've found it extremely comforting in my own trials to think of a place and a people who so publicly recognize what these children mean to their mothers and family, and who not only give them an outlet, but a place. A special place. A place where everyone who is there is mourning the loss of a child they never got to know, and paying respect to their spirits. I've tried to look them up online though, and have had a frightful time. Here in the west people seem to get tunnel vision on the idea of abortion and miss the whole concept.

May peace find you.

Hi A.,

I am very sorry to hear of your baby. My niece went through a very similar situation. Her baby was in very rare condition and would not survive, so she was given the decision to induce or wait to see if she went to full term. With his condition, once he was born he was expected to die within hours of his birth.

My mother, her mother, and the babies father were there for the birth of 20 weeks and then the baby was given a funeral.

There is a group of volunteers who made him a tiny outfit to fit. He was given a hat, mittens, socks, and a gown.

I am just getting started with a photography group, Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/pageDisplay.php?page.... Take a look and see if you are interested in this. You can enter your zip code and find photographers near you. This a volunteer service so there is no charge to you. If you are interested, make your arrangements before you go into the hospital or call the hospital ahead of time and find out what their policies are for such service. Here, most often the hospital calls us, but I think that is because people are not aware of this service.

I hope this bit of sharing helps.

Take care.
C.

First let me say, I'm so sorry. I lost twin girls at 24 weeks of pregnancy last year and it was the worst and hardest thing that I've ever gone through.

I think once the baby is aged past 20 weeks, you don't get a choice and they will induce labor. After 20 weeks, you're also required to do something with their remains. We opted to cremate.

I had previously been pregnant and had a baby boy, so my body "knew what to do"...I was also very ill at the time, so my labor really didn't take that long, but it's all individual. I've never had a D&C, but have friends who have and no one reported any problems.

One thing I would ask yourself is do you want to see and hold your baby? I'm so greatful that I was able to do that. It makes them more real to me. I remember what they were like and now think of the features they have and whether they would have looked like which one of their two brothers. I have their footprints and their handprints and I treasure those things.

That may or may not be something you want, but for me it still brings me comfort and gives me something concrete to hold and look at to remember them.

Best wishes for you and your family. And as a note of hope, we were able to get pregnant again three months after our loss and I now have another sweet little boy.

Take care of yourself!
-M

Hi A.,
So sorry for your lose!! I have been there. I had to make this same decision. A heart breaking decision!
I cant tell you what to do, or what is easier. But I will share my experience with you.
I found out at 16 weeks that my baby had died. I was having no signs of miscarriage. We waited a couple more weeks, and still no miscarriage symptoms. I couldnt bare the heartache any longer and asked for a D&C.
My husband and I were dealing with other circustances at the time. My inlaws were recently killed in a car accident. The heartache and stress of both loses was to overwhelming. I am a Christian, and dont believe in abortion. But considering that there was not a heartbeat, I was not ending life.
I have gone on to have 2 more beautiful healthy babies. A total of 3.
May God bless you and be with you in this time.
If you need to chat feel free to email. Take Care. Heidi

I am so so sorry for your loss! I had a D&C a couple of weeks ago, at 15 weeks pregnant. There is no easy answer. I am sure whatever you decide will be for the best. There is a bit of a disconnect with the surgical procedure as you don't see the baby and you are asleep and when you awake, you are no longer pregnant. It was weird. However, it was helpful for me, to be done and be able to begin the grieving process.

There are many, many women praying for you now! I hope as painful as this process is, you are able to take the time to grieve.

Be sure to reach out to those around you and let them surround you with love.

This happened to me as well. The doctor advised against the procedure, as the body can take care of the issue itself. She said if for some reason my body didn't do what it was supposed to do, then the procedure would be necessary. Just remember that every hospital procedure, no matter how minor, carries risks. You don't want to do anything that will carry the potential of reducing your chances of carrying a baby in the future unless that procedure is absolutely necessary. Going through labor and delivery was excruciating, both physically and mentally, because I hadn't been through childbirth classes yet. But in the end, I'm so glad I went through it. I feel like it really helped me to have some closure. I did have to have forceps help, but I delivered the placenta no problem, so the uterine scraping was not necessary. I have 3 children now, and I'm so glad that I didn't do anything that would have risked the integrity of my uterus for future children. You always have that procedure to fall back on as a last resort. Also, since you will go through labor and delivery, your body puts out all the necessary hormones and signals to your body that you have delivered, so you will likely be ready to conceive again much sooner than if your baby is surgically removed. I was pregnant again, with my daughter, exactly one month after my loss, and she was perfectly healthy and full term. I know this isn't easy. I'm so sorry for your loss, and wish you luck with this.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I can't imagine how painful this must be for you.

I know nothing of the medical issues but personally I would want to do this as quickly as possible. The idea of this taking days would make me nutty. Also, labor is not fun or easy and I think I would want to reserve that for a happier ending. Best of luck.

I'm really sorry for your loss! I have had three miscarriages. I myself like to go the natural way even if it takes longer. I but everyone is different. I would let your husband get involved with this. He will be effected too. Prayer is a good thing, it really helps you during this hard time, and help you decide. Good luck. M. R.

Hi A.-

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I have not lost a baby at 20 weeks, but I have had several miscarriages, the furthest one being 13 1/2 weeks. With that one my doctor didn't believe in a D&C so I had to go wait days and go into labor and deliver it. Well I ended up hemmoraging and it ended up being am emergency D&C, among other complications.

My friend lost her baby at 20 weeks and she did choose to go the D&E route. As awful as it was, she did choose this route.

Please know that you are in my heart and prayers. You lost your baby, and will be grieving. Please take care of your self, and understand that it is natural to grieve and be sad.

Please do the D&E. Dont' put yourself throw any more stress than you need to. I had to do the same thing in August--the hardest part is the emotional side to it. Please please please get counseling as well.

I am so sorry. I made the same decision at 14 weeks. I had it removed, I was put under in and out in about 4 hours. I thought I could handle it emotionally, but, it was harder than I had anticipated. It won't be easy. I am sorry you must go through this.

Dear A.,

I am so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks along 13 years ago. At first I thought I would tough it out and let the fetus pass naturally but by evening I was in terrible pain similar to labor pains. The following morning I went in for the D&C. The pain and the anguish was over immediately. I could have gone back to work the next day but I took a few days off and felt better about it spiritually and physically. I definitely recommond going with the D&C. My mother in law went through a miscarriage in the 60's, when a D&C was not offered, and she said it took two weeks of pain and passing for it to be over. Good luck and I said a little prayer for you and your angel.

My advice is to have a D&C. You would not have to wait to deliver vaginally. By choosing to have the D&C you go in they put you under and you are done in a matter of minutes. I had a D&C several years ago for the same reason and I am glad I choose the D&C. My thoughts are with you.

Oh God bless you A.,
I'm so very sorry for you and your family. My sister had the same thing happen with her first and went through a delivery. It was just horrible for her to go through. I wouldn't recomend that to anyone, but you do what ever you think is best for YOU at this point. I WILL be praying for you darlin. God bless and keep you in His tender care,
V.

Oh A., I'm so sorry.
I went through the EXACT same thing (20 weeks, found out at the ultrasound that our son had died due to a cord accident).
I decided to go through delivery and it was the best decision for me and the family. Labor only took a few hours, and once I delivered, the nurses cleaned our son, wrapped him in a blanket and hat, and we got to hold him and say goodbye. The chaplin came in and anointed him, and we named him. Along with everything, the nurses gave us a teddy bear with a hosiptal ID on its ankle. The bear was abou the same size as our son was, so to this day, we call him by my son's name, and holding him can be quite comforting.
Afterwards, we decided to have him cremated, and he now sits in a beautiful urn (it doesn't look ominous... it looks like a little baby's letter block).
All of this allowed my other 3 kids to feel connected to our lost son, and he will never be forgotten. I didn't want to think of him as "just" a miscarrage (please don't think I mean miscarrages are not horrible things for mom's to go through). I wanted to make sure he was honored as a member of the family.
It's been 4 years, and we (kids's and all) still talk about him. My middle son named his art project (a sculpture of a frog) by his lost brother's name, and my 23 month daughter LOVES to hug and kiss the teddybear, and call it by his name.
May God Bless and comfort you and your family through this difficlut time!

I went through this before I had my daughter. I chose to have a D&C and it was a quick way to deal with such a horible situation. I was told, if everything did not clear out naturally, I would have to have a D&C anyway, so I went ahead with it. I am very glad I did and I got pregnant successfully just two months afterwards. You are only out for about a week and the process of natural labor can be painful and take a while to completely clear out.

Good luck on what you decide. I wish you the best.

Oh A., I am so sorry about your news. My best friend had the same thing happen at 18 weeks. Unfortunately in Long Beach, the only place (doctor or hospital) that would do a D&E was Planned Parenthood. She had to drive all the way up to UCLA medical center to have the procedure. Luckily she had her husband to drive her there twice and her mother to care for her two other children. Are you sure that you can have a D&E at your local hospital? That might influence your decision.

I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. My doctor gave me the option of inducing labor or a D&C. He said that if I was his wife he would suggest the D&C because then he can be sure that there is nothing left behind that can cause infection, plus, it is over and done with. You can go home and start grieving that evening. The other way you are waiting around for days. You can't go out because it might happen at any time. Another friend who miscarried at 13 weeks waited for over two weeks before she actually expelled! It wasn't until then that she was able to grieve. And it wasn't over for her. Her doctor still needed to do a D&C to make sure there was nothing left behind. Why not have all done at once so you can get on with your life. The holidays are coming and you will want to be able to take comfort in you family instead of anxiously waiting for all of this to be over.

The best of luck to you!

Jen

Hello A., I am sorry that I don't have any advice or words of wisdom for you. I just wanted you to know that you are in my prayers as you go through this most challenging time of your life. I wish only the best for you and your decision. Many hugs to you!

Hi, A.,

I'm sorry that you are in this situation.

I become pregnant twice before becoming pregnant with my first live child. As I was almost 40 and was going through intensive high-tech fertility treatment, I wanted to fight for the lives of my offspring. Therefore, in both of my first two pregnancies, I opted not to get a D&C--even though I believed my doctors who said that the embryos didn't have a chance. I think that miscarrying naturally, although very uncomfortable, was the better choice in my first pregancy. This miscarriage occurred in one day. On the contrary, I think that miscarrying naturally, might not have been the better choice in my second pregnancy. That miscarriage took about three weeks.

Do whatever feels reasonable to YOU.

Sincerely,
Lynne E

First of all, I am so sorry to hear your news. I have had four miscarriages, two of which I discovered at ultasound appointments when the baby had already died. Please go for the D & C. I know it is a surgical procedure, but it is far less traumatic than the delivery option. I have had two D & Cs and had no complications. There was some bleeding after, but it went away quickly, and then it was over. Please seek counseling for your loss, too. There are some wonderful miscarriage support groups out there. Good luck, and again, I am so sorry.

Hi A.,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have had 2 miscarraiges myself this year. I did not have a d&c with either one. If I were to miscarry again I would have the d&c. My recovery for each one took about 3-4 weeks. For me it was harder to heal emotionally because it took that long for my body to recover physically. I know its a difficult decision to make but I hope my own experience might be helpful. May God Bless You.

C.

I'm so sorry for you. Although I have never been through this, I would think that going through labor would be a lot of added stress on top of your loss. A d&e would probably be the easier route for you to take. I would just ask your Dr. (if you like and trust her advice) and go from there. Good luck and God bless.

I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks and decided to do it at home - not quite you situation, but similar in that I was offered a D&C but refused. I must tell you that it was horrible. It was physically and emotionally very traumatic and I ended up in the ER because of the pain (and after passing out in my bathroom), getting a D&C afterwards to make sure everything had been expelled, and having a very clinically minded doctor who told me it was no big deal because this (miscarriage) happens all the time. Knowing all this now, I would have opted to see a different doctor and do the D&C after having a few days to absorb the fact that my baby's heart had stopped beating. On the other hand, I felt like I had to let my body do what nature intended so that I was SURE my baby was not going to miraculously come back to life, or that the ultrasound machine was broken (all four times I went in to recheck just to be SURE) - I just so badly wanted it to be untrue. So do what your heart tells you is right so that you'll have no regrets on your decision later and questioning yourself. On a positive note, I now have two beautiful charming children (I suffered one more miscarraige after my son was born) and I realize that had I carried either one of the other two babies to term that I wouldn't have the kids that God did give me. I am also forever grateful for the kids I have, and I never take them for granted because I know how quickly the joy of pregnancy and motherhood can be snatched away. WHEN you become a mother of a full term baby, it will be SO special! In the meantime you are allowed to feel as crappy as you want to, because this situation is just that... crappy. I'm so sorry for your loss, I will be praying for you. K.

HI A.,

I haven't had this happen to me, but my thought is this. At 20 weeks your baby is formed and not just a mass of tissue, I think if I were in this situation I would want to deliver naturally and have a funeral. If you can bear to do this and its what you and your husband want maybe dress him/her and have pictures taken. My sister volunteers for nowilaymedowntosleep.org, a nonprofit organization which sends a photographer to take pictures....A. I am so sorry for your loss, and God bless you....take care, M.

I would definately recommend the D&C. I had the same situation with my baby that was 15 weeks along, and my sister's when hers was 16 weeks. I had the D&C, she didn't. Shad many complications, bleeding and pain for the next month before anything passed and she regrets her decision to this day. It's much quicker and will allow you to start the greiving process that much sooner! Good luck!

I am so sorry. That must be really hard. I would probably opt for the D&E. I got one to remove a blighted ovum. (An empty egg sac that did not contain a baby.) It was not that bad. I was put under just so I would not have to truly go through it and remember it. I think delivering would compound your grief and just be an additional sad and hard thing to have to go through. Good luck!

A.,
So sorry for your loss, this is a very hard thing to go through. You need to decide how emotionally strong you are to deal with this. I was a mess when I lost at 8 weeks so I opted for a D&C. I wanted this to be over as soon as possible, they put me under and I was done in about 1 hour. The quicker I was able to move on to the next phase the better. Not to mention my Doc said that by not doing the D&C I was leaving the possibility for infection and eliminating the chance of getting pregnant ever again.

A.
first off all, i am sooo very sorry for what you are going through. i speak first hand when i say that i know what you are going through. i had a similar thing happen to me at 22 weeks. regarding the emotional side of it, you are going to have to mourn this loss. in my case, i was initially in total shock. i just wanted to get things done and get to the next phase. now regarding your decision, i chose to deliver. i went to a place called eve's surgical center. they were wonderful in the worse situation. i can't speak highly enough about them. they give you some options regarding how you want things handled. anyways, if you need to email me, we can talk. i know it would have been helpful for me if i had someone who went through a similar thing.
T.

My heart goes out to you. But I think you need to ask yourself and husband a very important question. Do you want to see or hold him/her. For some people this is an important part of the greiving process. My good friend lost her first baby at 14 weeks and delivered spontaneously, then her second pregnancy she lost at 23 in which she also delivered (after being induced). She got to hold him, name him, get footprints a lock of hair etc. They had him cremated and his ashes spread somewhere special. She is so grateful to have gotten to do those things. I think after a certain gestation you are entitled to an autopsy if you wish. She opted for this as this was her second baby to have died and they wanted to know if there was something genetic going on. Personally I think the healthiest thing to do is deliver. Wishing peace to you and your family.

sorry for your lost, A.. i lost two, in late miscarriages, did both by deliveries, back then i didn't even know about choices. so ask your dr. might depend on the size of the baby. tell them ahead of time if you do not want to see the child. both deliveries were quick in my case. no matter what you decide, niether procedure will take away the pain in your heart in the coming years . . . sorry.

I'm sorry for your loss. This is a difficult time, I know. I waited and misscarried naturally )vaginally). It wasn't bad. My husband is a doctor and he wanted to avoid any procedures if possible, so that is why I didn't have a D&C, although I would have if things didn't progress as they should have.

My best to you.

I'm sorry. I went through this as well. My choices were to have a D&C or to naturally miscarry (your body will start a menstrual cycle). I chose to naturally miscarry since it took me 3 years to conceive and a D&C may leave scar tissue. It took about a month, there was no bleeding until the actual miscarry. I contracted for 2-3 days,which I dilated and went to the bathroom...I had fears of what it would look like, would I bleed without notice etc. so I will tell you, as a woman that went through it,I was happy I did it naturally,the mass was like a bloody tampon in size and appearance, it was pretty agressive contractions and medication would have been helpful to get through event. I mourned the loss, it happens more often than, I knew. Going through the 3 day process allowed me to grieve my little one and heal. we started trying again, remind you that it took 3yrs. to get pregnant and then miscarry, and we got pregnant immediately!! What a blessing!!

I don't have advice but my prayers and thoughts are with you.

Dear A.,

I'm so sorry you are faced with this situation and heart-wrenching decision. I had two miscarriages - no signs of problems until I went in for ultrasounds and no heartbeat or "pregnancy is not progressing". They weren't as far along as 20 weeks, so I had a D&C in both situations. I was awake during the procedure. The hardest part was that my husband and I grieved so differently. I felt so bonded and attached and he was ready to move on rather quickly. I'm not sure if he was trying to be strong for me or that was how he really felt, but it was difficult. I read some of the responses and you've had recommendations for both choices. I hope you can decide which procedure will give you the best "closure" (not forgetting your baby), but being able to move on. I think that's something only you can decide. I wish you peace and strength during this difficult time.

A.-I am so sorry for your loss. I think it would be best to have the D&C. It is very fast and you are asleep during the procedure. You will not have to go through labor and delivery pain accopmanied by the mourning you are going through. It is just too much to deal with. I have a very good friend who had the same experience as you and she delivered the fetus in the hospital instead of a D&C. She was very traumatized by the event. If it was me I would do the D&C. Best of luck.

I'm so sorry for you. I had a miscarriage years ago, and had a D&C. It was quick and painless. In my opinion, you should probably do that so as not to prolong it. My prayers are with you.

Please think of yourself and everyone who loves you and consider a D&E. The toll it would take mentally on you to induce and deliver could make a tragic situation even worse. This is just my opinion. God Bless.

I am so sorry for your loss! May God Bless you and yours!

Aww A., I am so sorry to hear this, bless your heart, this is so hard for you to do. The D& E is fast, it might be less emotional, knowing that you don't have to go through all of the pain for days. But this is a decission best for you to make, I am lighting a candle for you and sending prayers, of healing.

Blessings sent..

im sorry you have to go through that. it must be difficult for you and your family. what i think is that you should talk to your husband and decide what to do their. i read a post that some hospitals will let you bathe and dress your baby so you can have memories of the lil one. i think that would be nice to do because this baby will not be forgotten. i know if it were me i think i would go and deliver with only me and my husband in the room let the drs clean the baby and wrap him/her in a blanket and then leave the room so we can have our private mourning time with our lost one. then we can get the pictures and just spend time and come to terms with the loss. i hope this helps you in your difficult decision again im sorry.

A.,

Your loss is probably more than I can imagine. I have a very close friend who had a baby die at 40 weeks gestation. She opted for a c section. I think it's such a personal decision. Just wanted to offer my sorrow for the pain you are experiencing. She is part of a group called Mother's of Angels on line. It's been very helpful to her...
M.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Continue to take care of yourself spiritually and emotionally. Look to friends and family for comfort and support. Hugs to you.
J.

I went through this many years ago and opted for the D&C. The thought of waiting for the inevitable didn't seem to be right for me. It is a most personal choice to make. Rest assured there is no right or wrong way to go. I would say you should make sure you understand what is involved in either procedure. Hemorrahaging is a risk you take going through labor, but I would ask your doctor about your particular situation. Some say you have more closure going through delivery, some feel that is harder emotionally to experience. No matter which way you choose to go, it is an emotional roller coaster afterwards. I highly recommend meditation to help you through the months to come. There are several techniques. Just pick one that resonates with you. You can google "meditation" and find many sites that can lead you. A support group is a great thing to do for yourself. Again, do what works best for you, just be aware that this is a great loss and give yourself time to heal.

Hi A.-

I am so sorry. I know how awful it is to lose a baby at 20 weeks - as I myself lost my baby boy at 19 weeks. I opt for the D & E - as I felt that it was the least painful for me. Many women don't have the choice because a lot of OB's will not do D & E's which is why some go into labor etc - I just couldn't imagine having the strength or energy to go through labor knowing the outcome. If you have a good doctor - you can be assured that the procedure is safe and (physically) painless. My OB is the only one in the South Bay that does the procedure and he is very skilled and has a huge heart - which helped me through. If you need a referral for a doc - let me know - ____@____.com
Take care - Just to let you know - I went on to have a beautiful& healthy baby boy - it did take my body some time to recover - but I was pregnant 9 months after the procedure.

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. Here's my take on things. If you have a D&C, then it's kind of similar to an abortion, but if you deliver vaginally, you may be able to have a memorial or some type of service to say goodbye. You may be able to bury your baby or have his/her remains cremated. Again, I am so sorry. I can't even imagine what you are going through.