Feelings About Husband's Past

Just get it all out there! You guys will never feel complete until you're able to discuss BOTH of your pasts with each other without all this emotion attached. He has a past, and he knows it upsets you, but the past is still there. There are still people in his life that he cares about, and that are important to him. If he knows that the existence of those people upsets you to no end, he's more likely to keep those relationships secret - which is never good for anyone. You guys just need to start talking about things. For starters, ask him to tell you about his first wife. How did they meet? Why did they divorce? What was she like? Then move on to the second, and even ex girlfriends. When you have some background about these people, they won't seem like enigmas to you, and you won't spend as much time thinking about who they might be or what they might represent. Then, it's time to open up about YOUR past. You can't expect your husband to spill all of you're not willing to do so as well. Trust HAS to start with communication.

There is two seperate problems going on here. First one is your insecurity with his past. Both my husband and I grew up in the area we are in, but didn't meet until we were in our early 20s. He was a bit more wild and had more girl friends and I was quite conservative and the two serious relationships I had wasn't from here so we don't run into them at all, it is easy to put the past in the past. My husband's ex serious girl friend has the same name as I do and we have met many times. The way I like to look at it is that our past experiences make us who we are today, take away a experience and perhaps you will take away a part of yourself that taught you a important lesson. Take away my first marriage and chances are I wouldn't have had the patience to deal with some problems that came up in my second marriage. Those past relationships help shape your husband into the person you met and fell in love with and if the previous marriages were good, they would still be married. When the friends start bringing up his ex, smile and say "she must have been great" and leave it as that. His friends are trying to either include you in the past or to irratate you in which your husband should change the subject out of respect for you.

Now on to the second part of the problem. Whether you have reason to be mad or not isn't relievent, the fact that you asked your husband not to have contact with the women and he still accepts them into face book is pushing your feelings aside and that is reason to be upset with him. Sit down and talk with him and tell him that while you don't feel threatened by the women, you don't feel comfortable with his private conversations and attention to women he has had a past with. If he still doesn't pay attention, start talking about your past and see if he changes his tune. Some time it only takes the shoe being on the other foot to see the other's point of view.

Now for the last words of wisdom(???) from this old grandma who has been married for 27 years now. I use to make appointments for my husbands ex girlfriend to cut my husbands hair while she was doing that. I heard from his sister how close they were and others who have known them both. I would rather trust the past is in the past and show a sign of togetherness with my husband then to act the jealous or wronged wife and have them feel I am insecure and that might look as if there is a problem in the marriage. Mostly I remember that what happened before we met and relationships he had before only happened because he hadn't found that one person who would put up with him for all these years....lol... me! I also remember that before we met girlfriends are better then if there would be after we met girlfriends.

Now I am ornery enough that when my husbands ex and I were at the same gathering and sit and visited a while, tell my husband that we were sitting comparing notes about him...lol. That is enough for him not to want us around each other much.

A.-
Probably hard to hear but....you moved to his area where he has a past. You are not going to be able to get away from that. Plus, it is always fun for people who have known each other for a long time to reminisce. You may not be able to get away from the "date" stories but if there are a few "key" friends that you might drop the word with that it is time to stop talking about the ex-wife, than I would do it. You can ask them to quietly spread the word. If there is no one you feel comfortable doing that with then - if a story starts up you do not want to hear - tactfully change the subject with a joke or ask if anyone needs another drink, etc.....at least if you leave the room to get drinks then you won't hear the story.
As far as Facebook, I wouldn't worry. I am friends with an ex on FB. I am a single mom and he is married (14 years) with 4 kids. The Facebook site is his family site so I am sure she knows he & I are friends on it. We talk a bit now & again but that is all. I do not even find him attractive any more. If there was something to worry about, he wouldn't keep it in the open where everyone could see it.
It is hard with three young children. See if some of those friends that like to talk about the ex will give you guys a night alone while they watch your kids. Or offer to watch their kids in exchange. Another thing you can try is that after the kids get to bed take half an hour and devote it to each other, even if someone has to be woken up. Give each other a massage with body oil or share a bowl of ice cream. Sit and tell each other about your day. Take 10 min and write each other a note. The next 10 or 15 discuss how you feel or what you are thinking because of the note. And for 5 or 10 just sit and hug each other. Touching is what is needed between you. I think you will find your closeness & your trust of him will strengthen. Hope this helps-
J.

I think I know how you feel. We moved to the place where my husband grew up, away from my hometown which was what I wanted. My husband claimed he mentioned it, but I dont recall him telling me that his ex-girlfriends house is about 1/4 mile down the road from us if that. We live out in the country so her paretns are practically our neighbors. When our daughter was born he invited her family (she came too) over to our house. She and her family held my daughter when she was first born, yet if I so much as say my exboyfriends name he gets upset. He is still friends with her brothers and sister and parents and they come over to our house almost every month. In fact, her mother stopped over just the other day. They were never married, but they dated for 4 years and he met me a year later. I really am not the super jealous protective type, but like you said its just upsetting to have his past in what is supposed to be our present. Needless to say, I dont have much advice I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

I am sorry to say this, because I know it is not what you want to hear -- but YES, I think you are over reacting.

A person's past is part of what makes them the person they are today -- and having someone as a "Friend" on facebook is very different than a "friend" he is meeting for lunch once a month.

Jealousy is VERY common -- I think it is just in our nature to want to protect the things we love in our life and past girl friends and wives are often seen as "threats".

Although my situation is not exactly the same, my husband was know as a "player" back in the day and sometimes when we get together with old friends they like to remind him of this -- I just join in the fun and roll with things.

The way I look at it is, my husband can talk to whomever he wants and about his past if he wants because his PRESENT is with me and daily he shows how much he cares.

I'd take some time to evaluate if your feelings are REALLY over just his past or if it is about issues in your current relationship.

Good Luck.

well been there-did that...youve got every right to feel insecure,angry,hurt,disengaged,frustrated etc....however all the crying,fighting,accusations,confrontations,and demands arent going to change who or what he does.all these things do not keep a man from cheating or lying-when your around his friends and they start up on ex,s...tell them its not appropriate an you dont care to hear it anymore-these folks are straight disrespecting you,&and your whole family.you have 2 choices here-tolerate the bad behavior and keep fighting-or focus on you an the kids-ignore him for a while take care of you-if you keep up at this rate-your self esteem an worth will be gone.you cant change his bad behavior-you have no control over him.but you do have control over you and your life.im sorry you have to go thru this.but go for the gusto...take care of you...as far as i see it-what hes doing is no different than sleeping with someone...the attention he gives on the computer-should be goin to you.if you wish to chat further-feel free to email.good luck.

I know this probably won't be the popular suggestion but if it really bothers you so much that they talk about his ex girlfriends/wives, then try changing the subject to your ex's or THEIR significant others' ex's. Maybe having the shoes on the other feet will get them to realize that it's not too cool to hear about. When they start talking about them just say "So, do you have any crazy ex's we can talk about - HEY EVERYONE, lets talk about "Bob"'s ex girlfriends since he's so stuck in the past". Or ask your hubby sometime about his friends' past relationships and then bring it up when they are around.
Sometimes people really don't get it until it's them that's put on the spot.
Hope this helps,
J.

No it's not good to have ex's all over a myspace or facebook. I can relate directly to this. My fiance had his ex's all over his myspace and he and I just broke up and 3days after our breakup he had a new girlfriend but not really new she was one of his ex's on his myspace. We have a child together too and now my myspace is being harassed and stalked by his new girlfriend etc.

Myspace/Facebook is great if you keep it strictly to friends and family like I do. When you got ex's and such it creates a mess. I think Facebook is for any age and Myspace is for late 20's and younger in my opinion.

Men just dont' get it! I know how you feel, I am a second wife and my husband was quite the player in the past. He has several exe's on his page, and it has bothered me quite a bit. We have argued a lot about this, and the more we argue the more stubborn he gets about this. Finally, I have started inviting my exe's to be friends, it is amazing how fast they get the idea when it is done back to them! Maybe try this, it sounds a little petty, but it does make a nice deal maker I'll get rid of mine/you get rid of yours type thing. Also, with his friends, it sounds like they are really trying to goad you, I would ignore their comments, they will cut, but the less of a reaction they get from you, the less they will talk about his ex.

Hi A.:
I have a few suggestions when people regale you with stories about his ex-wife, smile sweetly then say firmly "you know I heard that story" or "you know I'm not interested in hearing any more stories about her" keep telling them you are not interested in hearing the stories, it may take a while but they will get the idea.
Since you are still fairly new in town try making friends with these women.
Also stop being co-parents and start dating again. Find a babysitter and go out once a week. Even if your budget doesn't allow a real date like dinner and dancing you can go out for a picnic in the park and talk. The point is getting time alone together and reconnecting as a couple.

You will just have to accept that he has a past, and you are going to hear about it. People don't just 'forget' when someone new comes along. It's tough to deal with, I know. But you need to. Tell your husband you don't like it when his friends talk about his ex. Come up with a secret 'signal' you can give him when this situation arises, so he can put a stop to it. If he truly loves you, he will be happy to do this for you. As far as the Facebook page goes, I agree with a previous poster, set a 'policy' that Facebook is for friends only, no past romantic relationships.

Talk to your hubby about setting one night a week for a date night. If money is tight, you don't have to spend any money. Go for a drive, a walk, find free events to go to. You could go to your library and check out free passes to museums, zoos, etc. in your area (most libraries offer this service). If you can't leave your house, set a movie night or two a week for when the kids are all asleep. Or set a night where you both go to bed early and you can watch tv together, or talk, or ...!!

Good luck!

First, I think you're totally in the right to be upset to find out your husband was married another time when you didn't know about it! Maybe he really did think he told you in passing (a little fishy, but whatever). But now he has to be understanding of why you're having a few trust issues.

Second, he needs to get all of your couple friends on the same page -- no stories about his ex's because it's disrespectful to you. They may have had a grand ol' time but that was the past and this is the present. Of course a name will probably come up here and there, but there should definitely be no "regaling." It is his responsibility to make this clear to them and I suggest you have him do it in an e-mail or on the phone where you can hear so there isn't any "oh my wife wants me to do this" stuff.

But the Facebook thing is tricky. FB friends are usually just that - people you have known sometime throughout life and have "reconnected" with but don't talk to much. So try to let that slide. I have ex's on mine and my husband knows about it, but we don't talk very much. And I don't have ex's on there that make him feel threatened. So let your husband know that you don't mind him having his first wife from when he was 20-something on there because you like her and have met her, but explain why the others make you uncomfortable. If he can't understand this, then you have a reason to go crazy b/c he will be totally disregarding your feelings. Maybe point out that it's important for your children to grow up in an environment where their parents are a team and have each others' backs - would either of you totally disregard their feelings if soemthing made them uncomfortable, even if you didn't understand it? He should give you the same benefit of the doubt.

Good luck!

I don't know how typical I am (probably not very!) but my husband and I are having one of his ex's and her current partner over for dinner one night this month. I will admit that I was uncomfortable when I first met her, but once I set aside the past and opened up, I was able to see her for the person she is and not just that she was one of Jared's ex's. We are involved in a very large social community that has many get togethers a month and we both routinely run into ex's. Neither of us are all that uncomfortable about it. I think the key is to let the past be the past and focus on the present. My husband and I also are very open and honest with each other and we talk about our feelings regarding each others' ex's. Another important thing is security in your relationship and as a person in general. If these people are truly from your husband's past, does it really matter? Like I said, I don't know if I'm a typical example, but I hope that even a different point of view might help!

Well, I think you know exactly what the problem is, you hit it right on the head. Have you talked with your husband about how you feel and specifically what the problem is? Do you think he has enough married guy friends and family members that can help him to see the difference between how a guy acts when dating vs when married? It IS different, and an adjustment. These friends of his you mention hanging out with - are they married guys/gals, do they get how things are different for you two? Have you mentioned to them that you don't want to hear the old stories, or do you walk away or change the topic when they start in? Perhaps this ex-wife is part of their "good ol' times" - like my husband's buddies ALWAYS get to talking about their drinking craziness (from 10 yrs ago when in college) whenever they get together. Maybe their recollections aren't going to stop - maybe you and hubby just need to have more "couples" evenings for you to hang with your parent friends instead? Maybe his friends are stuck in that time period of their lives - maybe you and hubby need to move on to add friends more appropriate to your current life? I'm sure that what you say about 3 kids under 3 is true as well - get a babysitter you trust, get some mommy-daddy time.

Good luck to you!

Wow! You guys have went through a lot in a short amount of time- 5 years with 3 kids and marriage! So, I don't think you have ever dealt with this issue of "coming to the marriage" and leaving the past behind. My husband and I went through this about 5 years after we met as well. He felt it was ok to be friends with females at work- now I met the females and a couple of them were after my husband. I told him he could chose to end the friendships or I was leaving because this was not acceptable. This was a long, painful drawn out ordeal as husband felt like I was trying to control him. I share all of this because the whole thing makes my heart ache and when I read your story it sounds so familiar.

I think you need to stand up to your husband's friends and tell them "they are ex'es for a reason- let's just let them in the past and enjoy our time together." As for your husband's friendships on Facebook. My husband and I both have Facebook accounts, heck my Mother and Mother In Law have Facebook accounts. There are ways to utilize Facebooks for social networking that do not involve looking for relationships outside of your marriage. I agree that it helps to have someone else offer how they would feel about relationships with ex's but ultimately he chose you as his wife and your feelings trump any feelings his girl friends have.

He needs to leave his past behind, and his friends do as well. Otherwise it may be time for new friends. Stand up for yourself and your feelings- you deserve it!

It doesn't sound like your husband is cheating, or even considering it. Maybe the issue is that you don't feel important, and when the people in his life keep talking about his ex, you feel even less important.

The weekly date night idea that other people have suggested sounds critical. You should let your husband know that you love him very much, and you want to enjoy time with him, and know that you are very important to him.

Good luck, and do post again to let us know how it goes.

Well, I can't say I've necessarily been in your position, but I do think it boils down to trust. If you trust him, and in your relationship, if he is being the father and husband he should be, I guess I would try not to worry about it too much. My husband had a long-term girlfriend before me, who happens to be the best friend of my sister-in-law (his brother's wife), so we have had to deal with that from time to time, including her being the maid of honor to his best man at the wedding. He isn't friends with her, but he does speak fondly of several of the other ex-girlfriends he has, and if he chose to get in touch with them, as long as I knew about it, I don't think it would bother me. I don't know what to tell you about the friends who are talking about his ex, maybe they are trying to impress upon you how good it is you are with him, that she was fun, but not the right fit? Good luck.

If it were me, I'd try very hard to try to look at this from another perspective. First of all, Facebook friends aren't necessarily these super close and personal relationships. Personally, I've stopped using Facebook for the most part and I find that I have lots more free time to do stuff that really needs to get done. Secondly, I think it's ok to be "friends" (if you can even call it that) with someone you used to be close to. I was considering being Facebook friends with an ex (boyfriend), but if I had done that, I would have first asked to be friends with his wife (someone I'm acquainted with). Perhaps you could add this ex-wife as a friend of yours. Third, if you're tired of this being in your face all the time, then turn your face away. Get off Facebook (a fake reality anyway) and enjoy your real relationship with your husband, who, by the way, sounds like a great guy. You're lucky to have him.

Hi A.,
First of all, forgive me for all the tangents. I'm concerned that there is alot more going on here than at first glance. If he is being faithful to you then know that no matter what is in his past he is choosing you everyday. I know that I personally don't believe that men and women can be friends for long since usually someone's feelings grow. If you feel the same then I would talk with him about this. I'm also thinking that you may feel neglected between your busy mommy life and everyone talking about his past. Maybe the two of you could have a romantic evening? I'm sorry people don't seem to be taken with you like with his past. Maybe it's time he/you moved on to other fiends and networks. Lastly, I'm not sure how far you moved but could you be homesick as well? It seems like you're not getting alot of support. Maybe you could find a way to get more support from the people of your past. Good Luck and have a great Mother's Day..You deserve it!!!

I strongly urge you to seek some personal counseling before you sabotage this marriage.You have been hurt in the past and that is coloring your relationship viewpoint. If you are "losing it" over him having an ex girlfriend as a Facebook friend there has been a loss of perspective on your part and you increase the chance that your fears will become reality. Once you have a handle on your issues, some relationship coaching would help the 2 of you process all this in a safe environment so that both of you can express your comfort zone with regards to exes and friendship.

My DH is very good friends with his ex-wife. They get together regularly for coffee, have taken our son to events together, etc. I have no problem with it. He has chosen to be with me everyday and he chose not to be with her everyday. Neither he nor I care if the other has contact with exes because we both have confidence in ourselves and each other. I am NOT saying you need to be comfortable with the same situation but you do need to get a better handle and understand your insecurities and what a reasonable expectation/reaction is in your individual circumstances.

My personal opinion...ex's should be left in the past. Completely. There should be no discussion of them or talking to them, especially if you are married. Some people may find this outrageous and argue that they are still great friends with their ex, but no matter what you do, the thought or mention or sight of an ex only reminds you of the feelings you used to have for that person. There is no way to escape the memory of the intimacy when you see or speak to an ex. Marriage is a vow and committment between 2 people, not only physically but mentally as well. You may physically trust your husband, but you need peace of mind also. You need to know that he is thinking of only you in intimate ways. So I completely agree with you, it will just be hard to make him see it that way. Any way you could show him how it feels by meeting up with old friends/ex's from your past? Even if on Facebook? Men usually need visual learning experiences as opposed to us trying to talk to them about it. Hopefully he can learn to leave the past where it belongs and focus on the present and the future...it is a great place to be when you're not always looking back! Good luck

I don't think you're over reacting. I think your husband should respect your feelings and make sure that his friends do to. I think it's very rude for them to talk about her all the time. It would make me feel like they were comparing me to her and that's not right. I have learned from experience that making time for you and your husband will make a lot of difference in your relationship and will make you feel better about things also. Good luck!

This sounds almost like a personal computer problem. Facebook and my space, I think, are not for adults. They are for teenagers. Call me insecure, but if I had a husband or boyfriend who spent any amount of time on these sights, I could not feel secure. It happened once actually. My boyfirend at the time. Quiet. Nice guy. Loyal too, but he had all of these 'friends' on his my space. I at first felt that I didn't have a right to say anything about it when we first started dating, because these were his 'friends' before I ever came along. But it bothered me. His secret e-mails. The pictures of the girls. Sorry, I don't think it is appropriot. Call me conservative. That's fine. But if his (yours too)internet activity bothers you, maybe it is time to give up the facebook. I dunno, it's a whole new world out there these days. Good luck.

That is strange I am dealing with the same similar issue. You have to embrace the these friendships and know that he loves you. Find it somewhere in your heart to say that I can also so befriend his friends. And always show love and kindiness it takes away from them always talking about the ex's. Whatever your gift is or whatever he liked about you when you two first were dating share that person with them and him all over again. This will help him remember why the ex's are the ex's and not the wife.

Love ya,

S.

I will make you feel a little better.

I had a similar issue with Facebook and my husband. I mentioned to him that if he gets a friend request from 2 specific women, that I would appreciate it if he did not accept them out of respect for me. One has sent him one, one has not.

These are 2 girls that were AWFUL to me in high school. Yes, I know, it was high school (13 years ago), but we dated all throughout high school and he cheated on me with one of them and it's not a great memory (although I certainly don't dwell on it). Also, the two girls together were really terrible to me for no reason. I have nothing against them now obviously, girls will be girls, I do not feel threatened in any way by them, and I trust my husband anyway, but since my husband and I are "high school sweethearts" and everyone obviously knows the history, it would still feel really awkward if my husband was "friends" with the girl that he cheated on me with because everyone knew about it. I think it makes our relationship look less credible to those who don't know us that well anymore. And it just makes me look really foolish. I think there's no need for it.

He has agreed to respect my wishes and has not responded to the one friend request he received. At some point I may change my mind, but for now that's how I feel.

If you were all friends, that would be one thing. If you're not though, then I think he should let the past be the past out of respect for you.