Feeling Guilty - Lebanon, IN

It's going to be GREAT!!! My kids are very close in age (18.5 months age difference) They are the best of buddies. My 1st child a girl didn't even really notice the difference when we brought my son home (she is pretty easy going in personality)and has never remembered life without him. They adore each other (now 3.5 & 2) and hardly know what to do with themselves (little exaggeration) when one is off doing something with the other parent. They even say "we love each other" all the time. They build forts, play cars, play babies, and love all the same shows, characters, etc! You are going to love how close they will be. It's really going to be GREAT! The first year will be hard just because they will both be so little, but after that you'll be coasting girl! You are going to LOVE watching them play together. My favorite sound is hearing them giggle at each other. My brother and i were that close in age also and we are still good friends to this day! I'm telling you, you are going to love it (after the first year.) :)

I think it's normal to feel that way. You are going to have your hands full though and will feel like you have to abandon one for the other often I'd say. Just remember there is only one of you and you're doing the best you can to give each of your children equal parts of you. I have found it very effective to make time to spend one on one with each child while the other is hanging out with dad or someone else. This is even more important as they get older. As long as you have a strong bond with them both, they will not feel abandoned or less loved. Don't put so much pressure on yourself.

I had similiar feelings about 30 years ago, my first 2 are now 30 and 31. The one thing I can remember most is after the second one comes have your wonderful husband help with the new baby and you take some one on one with the oldest. These 2 daughters where very close growing up. Sometimes the love hate would kick in but they will know you love them both.

Awwww! For some reason I get what you are saying even though it has not happened to me. It makes perfect sense though! You two are like two peas in a pod I am sure and now a newbie is to come into the picture. The little one now, from YOUR view point, may feel threatened but that is YOUR view point! :) I think as long as you give them both the love and care they need everything should be fine. The baby that you have now won't know any different. I know that I would feel the same way though. Very normal to me!

A.,
Don't beat yourself up, being pregnant again is a great thing. I completely understand how you feel, I have a 18 month old and a 2 month old. I found out I was pregnant again when my first son was about 8 months. I was breastfeeding him and had to stop because I wasn't producing enough because of the new pregnancy. I felt sad for him and thought he wouldn't get enough attention. After the birth of my second son, everything has been wonderful. Being so young, my older son doesn't even know that the baby hasn't always been there. He is very sweet w/ the baby. Just set aside time for the older child and he'll be fine. Congratulation!!

I know you wrote this a month ago but it really hit home for me. I had a 6 month old when I found out i was pregnant with my second. When I was pregnant I didn't feel much guilt because I was just so excited. I can remember after delivery I cried and cried for a few weeks because I felt so guilty, but the doctor told me it was TOTALLY normal. Now my youngest is 14 months and they are the best of friends. Good luck and the guilt doesn't last for too long!

A.,
Hi! A great Peds. office is Westside Pediatrics. Dr. Becky Bosomworth is great and also Dr. Campbell. I can't remember her first name. My kids use to go to Dr. Bosomworth before we moved and they absolutely loved her. It is Alexandria Dr. by the post office.

OOPS sorry, posted this on the wrong message!!!!!

A. --

I just go back from a conference honoring women and their ability to birth babies. One of the topics was loving additional children and the feelings most women have about 'can I love the other just as much and not reduce the love for the other?'

I don't know if you're familiar with the famous and legendary author, Penny Simkin. She gave a wonderful analogy of loving additional children: Imagine a lit candle surrounded by several other unlit candles. As the candle lights each one and creates flame for each, the original flame remains unchaged. We are certainly able to love other children just as much without changing our original flame of love for the first. :)

Blessings to you! Enjoy!!

Hi A.

I am planning to have another child and my daughter is 2. I'm not even pregnant yet, but I have experienced the same guilty feelings. I wirry about her adjusting and how I will spend the same time and love the new one like I have with her and still continue to do the things we do together. I think (and hope) this is perfectly normal. I know in reality that we will love the new baby just as we have our daughter.

Good luck - your children are lucky to have such a great mother!

That is EXACTLY how I felt when I found out I was pregnant with my second! That's crazy! My daughter was 6 months old when I found out I was pregnant. I felt like she would get jipped as a 1 year old because at the time I was first hand experiencing how much time and energy it took to care for a baby. I just couldn't imagine having two of them to care for. I actually had a really hard time with it for the entire first year of my second's life. I was exhausted from taking care of a toddler and being pregnant, then it went straight to sleepless nights with a newborn and getting up bright and early with a full-of-energy toddler. It was horrible having to go to the hospital to have my son because my little baby girl was only 15 months old and had never been away from me overnight before. It's so ironic looking back though, because I started out feeling guilty about my son taking away attention from my daughter, but then after that first year, I felt totally guilty about not "enjoying" my son as much as he had deserved to be enjoyed during that first baby year. It seemed that first year like he was just more of a nuisance than an enjoyment. Once I had them both out of the baby phase and into the toddler phase, it got a little easier to handle because I was getting some sleep at night, and I started feeling guilty again because I felt like the whole first year of my son's life and the first two years of my daughter's life were spent with them being stuck with an overexerted, frustrated, at-her-wits-end mother. What I'm trying to say is that no matter what circumstances we come across as a mother, we will ALWAYS have something to feel "guilty" about. We could be like mary poppins, and look back and say "Man, I should've taught them more songs". We as mothers are our worst critics. So, yes, it's totally normal to feel the way you're feeling right now. Like I said, I felt the EXACT same way about the EXACT same thing. But, keep in mind that no matter what's going on, it's natural to feel guilty about things that have to do with your children. Also, another thing to get excited about is that your first child will have zero issues of being jealous, unlike kids who become a big brother/sister at 3 or 4 years old! It's nuts because you worry so much, but he's so young that after the new baby comes home, he won't even remember him/her not being there. My daughter couldn't have cared less about her little brother. It was like he had always been around. Now, they are 3 1/2 and almost 5 and play together really well. We have a lot of fighting, but we also have a lot of great playtime.

I'm sure most moms go through that. Do you breastfeed? That is one spectacular way to keep a connection. Buy the book "Adventures in Tandem Nursing" and enjoy every minute alone with the first until you have the second and then enjoy the family!
Good Luck:)