Feeling Discouraged, Need Help/advice

Hi A. B, I don't have a similar issue, but I do have one thing to say. You're not a shitty mom since shitty moms don't KNOW they're shitty, see?

I can tell by the honesty in this post that you are gonna rise above and make it through this standing up.

:)

I'm so sorry. I don't have any advice for your younger son, except to talk to the occupational therapist (which is probably not very helpful).

I do have 1 piece of advice for restoring your relationship with your older son. Once a week, plan a mother-son date with just him while your husband is with your younger son. It can be breakfast out on a Saturday morning, a dinner date with just the two of you (even if it's just at Bob Evans or fast food). Just something where you and he can spend one-on-one time that isn't interrupted/taken over by his younger brother's challenges. Your older son deserves it, and so do you.

Get as much info from the therapist as you can about what exactly his sensory processing issues are. There are SO MANY different ways he could be having trouble. My son is a sensory seeker, and loves input, but a loud startle will cause him to flinch as if he's been hit.

This video was circulating for a while - it's autism related, but sensory issue specific: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcS2VUoe12M

You're not a failure. This stuff is confusing. Your son may need to have lots of preparation about how things go - social stories might be helpful.

Definitely use the sitter so you can catch a break. The anxiety that builds isn't good for any of you. Use the sitter so you can have time with your older child so you can keep that relationship nourished.

With a challenging kid like yours, schedules, guidelines and boundaries are going to be your best friends. You need to be strong and firm with discipline. No wishy/washy stuff. (I learned that the HARD way). When you go out in public, you need to be prepared to leave at any minute, with or without your errands/chores complete. It sounds as though his behavior has less to do with his processing disorder and more to do with a very willful and aggressive personality. I, too, have felt like a crappy mom, you'll get over it... eventually. You're doing the best you can do.
Best of luck!

I can't tell you how often I've felt shitty. Check out scarymommy.com to see a lot of other women who feel shitty. You've been handed an unfair lot in life, but it doesn't get better without you. So as shitty as you feel, try to remember you are the solution.

My son is 15 now, I look back and think it wasn't so bad. Then I read stories like this and remember, oh yeah, it was that bad. Yes, my son's autism is now a childbirth story, all whitewashed and wonderful.

I hated the tantrums in public but even more I hated the people who would actually say, have you tried spanking him. Oh, you think he is loud now let me whack him, then you can fully define loud!

I was lucky because my older two were driving by the time my youngest was being lost in the shuffle. They took her places, sometimes they watched their brother while I did stuff with her. It was a team effort.

My two older kids were not perfect but they were about as perfect as kids can be. I knew I knew how to raise good disciplined kids but everything I did with them made things worse. His doctor always said there is nothing you can do, he just has to age. It is true as he aged and started making all the neural connections it was almost amazing to watch. I suppose that is why it doesn't seem so bad looking back.

Still at three, you do have a long way to go. I wish I could make that sound more hopeful but it really is a long journey. We got his meds right in third grade, then started stripping them away in sixth grade. He now just takes Vyvance for his ADHD. He has an odd way of looking at the world buy behavior wise, he is perfect. No temper, nothing. Okay he calls his little sister names but that ruddy fool loves to press his buttons!

Find a psychiatrist you trust. I just realized they have only diagnosed him with sensory issues. Yeah, those are spectrum symptoms. Next time I am at my son's appointment I really need to remember to ask why so many people want to act like that is the only diagnosis. I mean doctors, not you. I have sensory issues, makes me do some odd things to calm down. So does my son but his temper, those insane tantrums that come from no where, that is autism spectrum.

After reading Doris's advice I want to add, when my oldest would lose his mind I would pull him in like she described, he would calm down quite easily. My second son, the one with spectrum fought against me with every fiber of his being. It is worth a try but if it doesn't work don't feel you are a failure, just accept it doesn't work with this child, try something different.

I remember when he had night terrors, nothing could stop him but I had to protect him. I had to stay close but it caused many black eyes. My point is sometimes we get hurt protecting our kids..but then turn out well for it.

You aren't a shitty mom. A shitty mom wouldn't care. Nope you are a good mom who just doesn't know how to deal with a difficult situation.

Give the ped's office a call and see if they can give you a referral to an occupational therapist who can work with you and your son to address his issues and give you the things you need in your mama toolbox of solutions to help your son.

A., I'm trying to click on flowers for so many posters here, but my computer is oh so slow for some reason...

You have some good advice here. I hope that you will really consider Julie's advice. You lose nothing if your child isn't on the spectrum, but I really do suspect that he is and you need to address it.

Regarding tantrums in your home, try sitting with you back against the floor with your arms wrapped around his arms so that he can't flail, and your legs over his so that he can't kick. Keep your head to the side of his so that he can't head butt you in the face. Sing softly into his ear or whisper "You're okay". He will still tantrum, but he will know on some level that he is safe and not alone. He will scream until he tires out but you will outlast him.

I read all this here on MP from a mom who had a child like yours. She said he was still difficult as a teen and when he would get stressed and started clenching his hands, she would put her hand on his shoulder and he would start to relax. He was used to her calming him down like that. I thought that this sounded like a really good idea.

I don't think I'd wait until his 3 year check up to talk to the doctor.

Thinking of you...

You feel your younger son has taken over all your lives?
That's kind of unfair to everyone.
If taking your younger son out in public has become such a problem - leave him home with a sitter and the rest of the family go out and do what you need to do.
He might out grow it or need some help (or even some meds) but allowing him to hold your whole family hostage is causing a whole lot of stress every which way around.
You all need to take breaks - it will save your collective sanity.

Does your counselor know anything about helping you cope with your kids? Does the counselor ever do some role-playing with you, or help you script ways to handle each boy when he's having issues? I hope the counseling is about more than bucking you up and is, in addition, giving you some specific, day-to-day coping strategies. If not--please ask your son's doctor for a referral for a professional YOU can see to help you devise ways to handle your younger son. His needs will drain you if you don't. You may have to be demanding and assertive and insist on help with figuring out a schedule and activities and a structured way to keep your older child engaged while your younger one gets the help he needs without consuming all your attention and energy.

You only mention your husband toward the very end of the post, and only say that he just says "hang in there." I hope and pray he's DOING some things and not just giving you a platitude and then tuning out. Does he take your older son out frequently, so that son gets one on one time with dad? Does he take over with your younger son, so that you get one on one time with your older son? (The older child desperately needs and wants attention since he knows his younger sibling is getting it -- the older one is likely acting out because he sees that what looks like bad behavior in his brother gets your attention.) If your husband is not fully on board here, going to doctor appointments alongside you every chance he gets, giving you time "off" from your kids, working with your sons on their needs -- then you and he need to have a serious reassessment of dad's role here. You should not be doing it alone. I hope you're not.

You AND he can do this but it means you both have to be equally on board. If dad works outside the home and comes in and says "I'm the breadwinner" and/or "I'm too worn out to deal with this," sorry, that doesn't fly at this point in your kids' lives or in your own life.

Don't go back to work just now. Your sons are both confused; one is trying to process a confusing world and the other is trying to figure out why he's expected to be the supportive "big boy" when he really still just wants your attention. I know it may seem that they behave better for others but that is only because they feel safe and secure enough with you, mom, to let down their guard and relax enough to, well, act out. It's the kind of back-handed compliment parents get! But no one can replace you or dad at this stage when things are so tough.

You are a good mom, who is seeking answers!

I have done a lot of food changes with my kids. - I could not figure out why my son would go "nuts" after fruit snacks.. Why? It was the fructose.

Currently my son is Gluten free, Fructose, Corn Syrup, High fructose corn syrup, and the Dyes. We avoid all of those as well as chocolate.

Fructose, Corn Syrup, High fructose corn syrup Make my son very grumpy and hard to deal with. When I had him tested for sensitivity's.. all those came up and she said that those foods for him effect his personality.

Good luck.

So sorry you are feeling this way, your exasperation is very obvious from your writing. I love what Veruca says- that this only gets better with you! I have a friend whose son was diagnosed with SPD at age 5, and she took it pretty hard. She felt that she was handed a very crappy hand, and it was unfair. And she's right! She worked through those feelings, and is now able to focus on integrating this new reality into their lives. She still gets down sometimes, and is exhausted. And I've heard her stories about the tantrums, they sound awful. But on good days, she just knows this is their life, and it's ok! She took OT seriously which helped a lot. She can now tell the difference between a SPD tantrum and a 'regular' one, which is helpful to know how to deal with them. She has worked well with the school, and basically just keeps on top of everything.

Find an online group of SPD moms, read some books, and take it all in. Slowly, you will figure out how to manage everything. Not perfectly, but none of us do that anyway! You didn't create this problem, but you are the solution.

Be sad about it when you need to, but also be strong about when you can. And work on being more strong than sad- slowly the balance will shift. If you didn't care, you wouldn't be so upset, so you are obviously doing a great job as a mom. Oh, and make sure to take care of yourself, too! Good luck, and keep us posted!

I just went through something similar, though not as bad, but it has gotten completely better over the past about 5 months, so hang in there! A couple things that worked for me: my 4yo is really strong willed, would flip easily and become aggressive. I tried consequences and timeouts but no effect on him (had worked like a charm on his brother!) I searched for solutions online and found that people recommend not using those techniques on kids like him- they are experiencing really strong, overwhelming emotions when they flip out and your support helps. So as much as it sucks in the moment, try staying with him during the tantrum. Physical pressure helps- so I would offer a hug or ask if he wanted to throw pillows or kick a ball, for example. People also recommend deep breathing (we called them dragon breaths), but that would only help if I could catch him before the flip (& there was no telling what was going to set him off sometimes). It's not perfect, but I did notice the duration of tantrums shortened. Then he needs to fix whatever he did, so pick up the thrown toys, make an apology for brother (this is especially important b/c it lets the other child know you're not tolerating him getting hurt by the little brother). The other thing that helped was that I switched his preschool. I work, but I probably would have gone insane if I'd had to deal with that dynamic all day! I put him In a super structured ( in my case Montessori) school. I was really hesitant since he's really not at all a structured kind of guy, but he has really thrived there and I believe the environment has really improved his behavior. To be clear, I'm not saying your home environment is bad, but moving my son from a good school to a really different school really helped, so a similar switch might benefit you too. I'm guessing he needed some real structure in his environment. Specifically, what I notice about his new school is all the kids have their own work spaces, so he's not bothered and set off by others interrupting him.
Anyway, I'm sure it will get better for you, and maybe what worked for me will speed it along for you.

Research the Autisim Diet. Most kids on the Autisim Spectrum have intense food sensitivities. Dairy, Gluten, MSG, red dye and many other things trigger the violent outbursts, tantrums and meltdowns. You may have to experiment with his diet by taking certain foods out then adding them in one at a time. This will take time but you will find the source of his violent behavior.