Feel Out of Control

Kids go through stages. Some take longer than others. It may even seem like forever. Remember this phrase, "This too shall soon pass." And it's hard to hear that when you are so stresses out, but trust me, it's true. I subscribe to Parents and Parenting magazine. These magazines had plethoras of info for each stage. If you can't afford them, they have them available at most libraries. I also read A LOT, I talked to EVERYONE, and I created a network of mommies to call when I was stressed out. When I need to cry, I call my mom. My son for months, cried hisself to sleep at night. I read that if they aren't exerting energy enough, they needed to do that in order to fall asleep. SO, i tried to stimulate him more, which helped. I also talked to him constantly, mommy's going into the kitchen to get some water. I will be right back, or I have to go take this load of laundry to the washer...etc. Time has no meaning for children. Even my five year old hasn't totally grasped the concepy of time yet. So, I tried not to say, in a minute. It helps them to know that you are coming back. I used a lot of time outs at this age, which sounds weird, but if he was missbehaving, I would warn him, and then if her didn't listen, he had a time out in his crib. Which I later learned was a horrible idea, and decieed a potable crib or a playyard would work better. Give him a pot and a wooden spoon, boys love to make noise. Invest in ear plugs so you won't get a headache. We bought these magnetic locks for our cabinets that made our lives so much simpler. You also have to remove them from temptation, and offer and alternative to what their doing when they are doing something "bad". As a distraction. Take them to another room to help them forget the temptation as well. Keep to the bedtime routine, and close the door. Check on him every five- then -ten-then fifteen minutes if he's crying. DO not take him out of the bed. LAy him back down, cover him up, rub his back a few times, and tell him you love him.
These things take time, which is hard. I often had to go outside and breathe while he was screaming for me.
As far as the not wanting his father, it's hard for him because his dad sounds so busy, and is not there consistantly for him. KIDS thrive on consistance, that's why we schedule their lives and ours around naptimes and bedtimes. So, it would be a great idea to set aside so just daddy time. On a regular basis without you. Go to the store, or take a walk or whatever for a few hours. They need to bond, and time to do it. Even at that young age, kids know who is the constant in their lives, and right now that is you. So I hope this helps. GOod luck, and as crazy as it sounds, email me if you need to vent at someone. ____@____.com.

I think at ten months everything he is doing is completely normal. Kids do test their boundries because that's how they learn about this complicating world around them. He cries for his mommy because he loves his mommy and she is his comforter. He is probably not use to daddy, and giving him and daddy time alone to play is a great idea to help with that.

Children need to be loved, held, and given attention. Just remember there's a time for everything. My best guess is that if you keep him on a schedule and stay consistent things will work out. The more off schedule, and non consistent things are for him the more difficult he will be. I don't think you have to tap his hand to discipline him. There are lots of things you can do to adress problems. I usually leave hitting for extreme circumstances, like repeated deliberately doing what I ask not be done, or deliberately hurting others after being asked to stop. The no, word is so easy for us to use, since we all heard it so much. I think the more they hear no, the less effective it becomes. It may be a better idea to say what you want, rather than what you don't want, and be more specific. Ie. rather than saying 'no' if he sits on a table, say something like, "Sit on the chair."

The playing drums on the table is aggrevating, but also normal. I would find a couple pots and pans that he can drum on and take him somewhere whithout a lot of stuff around and let him drum on that for a while. Outside on a blanket might be a good place. I think it's a good idea to use the aggrevating moments as a time to observe why he's doing it and finding a way to let him do it in a less aggrevating and more productive way. For example a lot of kids love to play in water, wich is a great learning experience, but extremely messy. So taking some containers full of water outside, with a couple things for them to play with in it can be a good way to let them play and learn, without making a huge mess inside.

S.,

You are right, if you don't fix it now, it will be a problem later. My son is 5 years and we experienced the same type of behavior and didn't correct it until this year. It also caused a lot of stress on my marriage.

What I realized is that we were teaching him that the bad behavior he was showing to get his way worked. We catered to his every whim and it back fired on us. I will say though, I would rule out an illness with your doctor before you try any corrective measures. My son had chronic ear infections and this started his not wanting to sleep at night.

Once you've ruled out illness the best thing you can do is be consistant. I've have been seeing a child psychologist to address my son's behavior issues and she told me to give him a command (no you cannot have that cookie, etc.) and then stick to it. I found myself giving in a lot because it was easier. She then said if he doesn't stop acting out give him a warning that there will be a consequence and if he doesn't stop follow through with the consequence (even if he then suddenly tries to comply).

I realize your son is much younger than mine, but you can figure out ways to make it work for any age I think. We have found it to be helpful. I hope this helps you.

About the bedtime thing, is he taking a later nap or longer? my son started taking a later and longer nap and that has effected the bedtime issue but now I nap him early and he's getting back to a earlier bedtime. But I think it does turn to a habit and they try to see how far they can get. I would let him cry in his crib for awhile that's what I do because you can tell by the way they cry if they are ok or not. Crying should make him tired hopefully. I think all kids go through the naughty stage as I call it where they try to test their boundaries and see how far they can get. I know all 3 of my boys have and I'm sure my 4th one here will too. You just have to be patient if you can and take lots of deep breaths. Just remember you are the adult and parent. I think he will grow out of it. stay strong and hang in there. sorry don't have too much advice.

Hello S., First off I'd like to address the hitting...you are tapping him or whatever you say but you have to remember he is an infant and he doesn't understand what he is being hit for. What your instilling in him is everytime someone does something he doesn't want them to do you should slap thier hand. Secondly, at his age and being that you are his Mom and home with him most of the time he is only going to want you. It is what he is used to, that is normal...you should schedule some Daddy son time at least once a week where you exit the entire picture and let them be alone. As for his crying, it sounds as if you are giving in and the more you do that the more it will happen. You have to train and ween him. Be persistent. I know it is difficult because it is our babies and we hate to see them unhappy but in a social world when he gets older and he does that ion public people are going to look at you like the bad parent instead of him as the bad child...it gets pretty embarassing as well! It is healthy to let them cry. It is not healthy to give in to thier cry...I promise you he will not cry forever. It is essential for you to set and maintain a schedule for them at this age it will benefit in the future. My daughter is eight and she goes to bed at 8pm everyday during the week...9pm on Friday and Saturday...NO EXCEPTIONS! I wish you lots of luck! God Bless!

I would say first off get locks for all your cabinets, not only because he does not listen to being told no, but just for safety. Second, you have a good start with a routine at bed time, I would say you know feed him dinner, give me a bath, go in his room dim the lights and read him a book and while you are reading let him drink his bottle and then lay in in the crib and let him cry if he needs to. And he probably will, almost a guarantee. But once he/his body gets use to the same routine everynight it should get better. And it will be difficult, especially if you are out with family or something and it comes time for bath time. He may not need the bath, but always be aware of the time and try to wind him down the same every night.
As far as the light discipline go, if you dont agree with spanking, then only thing you can keep doing it the tap on the hand, but it will lose effectiveness ust because he will know that that is all that will happen to him. Kids start developing habits early. And it sounds like he knows mommy will hold him and cuddle him and he wants you more than daddy. Not uncommon at all. You just have to stick to your guns. he will also learn how long he has to fuss and fight to get his way. It is good you know that it can turn into bad habits, and believe it or not most bad habits are formed by 2 or 3yrs old. Read up on it and discuss with your husband the plan (s) and then keep to it, no matter what!

Hi S.,

I want to offer some advice to you as to learning to adapt to motherhood. Childproof your home! You don't have to spend alot of money either. Try going to walmart and buying those plastic/childproof clamps for the cabinets +outlet covers. You probably won't spend more then $10/$15. Try rocking your son to sleep in the darkness to the sound of peaceful-calming music @ the same time everynight.Alot of times children cry because they are restless. My daughter is 9 and still does that. I am able to ask her if she is tired and she responds "Yes Mommy",then I take her to her room for a nap.Your baby is obviously unable to tell you that he is just restless. So, as long as he is not hungry, wet or sick-let's just assume that he needs a nap. Develop a naptime for him everyday. If he goes to a sitter,make sure that they are aware of his nap schedule (1 hour will do,if more then an hour he will probably have difficulty sleeping at night).Be prompt when waking him up. The time that you rock him to sleep will then develop into his bedtime and he will then fall to sleep on his own. If he crys try floor play w/him on a blanket with soft toys. If he continues to cry,you can just ignore him for a little while and leave him to play with soft toys on the blanket. Try putting on childrens television programs in the room which he is in like "Dora the explorer". You may be surprised that just the sounds that he hears will capture his attention and calm him. If he continues to cry. Put on some peacefull music for the two of you ( I love kenny Latimore myself). Turn the music up just a little below the babys volume and you will find peace for yourself and he will find peace for himself within the music. I have done all of these things and trust me they work. My daughter is 9 and I am constantly reminded of my wonderful parenting skills over the years.

Hi;
If I was you I would let him cry like that he understand that crying will not get you anywhere. It's hard and expecially if is your first one but you need to do it. My first son still doing that when is time to go to bed and he is 5 already and is because we let him get away from it just because he is crying. When my 18 month baby was born I didn't make the same mistake and by 7:00 he is in bed and he don't complain and he don't cry but we still struggling with the old one still. If you don't want to be on the same situation you better cut it now than feel sorry later like I do.

S.: You certainly sound mature for your age! Talk about feeling out of control? Oh, let me tell you...I can fully relate. I have a son who is 3 1/2 (he'll be 4 in May). He does exactly the same thing as your son (who is only ten months)! It should be called the "terrible threes", not two's! As far as your son goes...I think, since he's only 10 months old, he is just beginning to explore his environment (If you know what I mean). Definitely discipline him (gently, as you do), even a time out in his bedroom will do (for a minute or two...don't want to keep him in his room all day...although...ha ha). Please e-mail me anytime at ____@____.com And tell your hubby thanks!!!!!!!

Hi S. ...

First of all , bless your heart ... I understand ! I think many , if not all of us , do.

Secondly , I agree with much of what I read others say ... that his crying cannot be "rewarded" by your giving in , and that consistency is king. My daughter has absolutely BULLIED me with her screaming in the past , until I realized I had to put a stop to it. Kids will use whatever works to get their way , and a lot of times it's rattling your nerves so badly that the parents finally say " Okay , whatever ! ".
Mine is 2 and a half , and it's always a work in progress , trial and error. Everyone has to find what works for them , and stick to it ; same thing , every time.

A good book to get is either the Supernanny's book ( I think her name is Jo Frost ) or Nanny 911. Those women are experts , and those books have more great tips that what I could possibly type out here. I bought my Nanny 911 book off of half.com for about $8.00 , and it has helped a lot.

God bless you in your efforts , and know it'll get better. :0)
~ A.

Definitely set a bedtime schedule for son. I have a three year old son and a routine will set them more at ease with what to expect. I give my son a bath and he can watch half an hour of TV, then we brush his teeth and he knows that story time is next. When he had trouble going to sleep at first I would sit on the floor and not respond to his crying, but he had the security of seeing me. The trick is not to respond to the crying. When your sitting on the floor look down and do not acknowledge them. Eventually they will calm down and fall asleep on their own. You can gradually work your way out of the room. If you perform the same routine every night, then they know what is expected of them.
About the banging on the tabel, etc. I have found that removing them from room and giving them something else to do. Explaining to them that behavior is not acceptable, they might not understand right away, repetition is key. Be strong and consistant and it will work, I have been through it. You can do it as long as you are consistant.

First, put the baby on a schedule. If his bath is 6:30 or 7:00, then bed should be soon after. Try reading to him or telling him a story right after his bath and while he has a bottle. Then rock him in your arms for about 10 minutes then put him in bed. My kids are in the tub by 7:00 and in bed by 7:30-8:00. My 23 month old doesn't always go to sleep right away, but my 6 yr old does. We have to hold her a time or 2 again some nights, but she knows that bath is before bed so she does not cry when we put her in bed.

As far as the crying during the day, try to sit with him and get him involved with a toy or 2. We used a play yard and the baby would sit and play for hours at a time. She always had a bottle with her and for an hour or 2 a day, I would put the tv on and she would laugh and sing along with "Noggin".

Redirect when the child is doing something you don't want him to do. It works better than saying "no".

Good luck!!

S.,

Everything you described is perfectly normal for a baby his age. My son is now 27 months and has been into EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME! It drove me insane since my daughter (who is 12 years old) did not do any of that and has been a rule follower since the beginning. It could be just a boy thing or it could be just your son's personality. We put our house in lock down mode from the beginning until he figured out how to open the cabinet locks, pop the gate lock and open the french door locks. Have major patience and protect your valuables and him. It will pass. Good luck.

K.