Feel like a Horrible Mom

You're not a terrible mom! Unless I'm missing something, you haven't done one, single, solitary thing even remotely wrong. You're doing great.

The thing to be aware of is, toddlers can't handle transitions. Their systems short-circuit, and they go haywire. That's a normal, healthy part of development. It's like, when babies learn to talk, they take a few tumbles, right. Step, step, boom -- down in the diapered little butt. And that's important, because it teaches them how not to fall, and also how TO fall safely.

Well, your daughter is just at the next step of that. She's had an important transition, and she's in the middle of "falling" in a developmentally valuable way. The next transition (maybe to the potty) will be a little easier for her, because she's learning how to manage change.

For you, all you really have to do is be the calm port in the storm. If she gets upset about something that is not, in all actuality, a nuclear war, then you signal that it's no big deal by NOT getting upset. That's harder than it sounds, because tantrums are upsetting. But if you act calm, she'll mirror your calm.

That and, I have a friend who's a Montessori teacher, and one of the smartest people I've ever met. In her classroom, she has a "jumping corner." If the kids have more energy than they know what to do with, she just says, "Oh, look! You have lots of energy today! Let's head over the jumping corner!" That teaches them to redirect their energy in a healthy way, without punishing, or shaming, without buying expensive equipment, without signing up for expensive classes, or any of that.

Oh, honey, there is so much going on here, and it's not a matter of fault. Her age plays a big part in how she is responding to her environment. Also, if she's not going to sleep until too late, that builds and creates a perpetually tired little one. You know what THAT means: nobody's happy. I have occasionally taken a day at home to let my toddler recuperate from his schedule.

There is no way to know if it's the perfect time for a toddler bed until you try it. You gave it great consideration and made a decision based on your conclusions. Even now, there is no right or wrong. It's about how you guys adapt to the change and how it works for you.

You're not doing anything wrong. You consider your options and weigh the costs. If it works like you want it to then YEA. If not, then you regroup and figure it out.

Parenting is not for wusses. Not good parenting. When it's so important to you to do "the right thing" then it makes sense that you would question your decisions sometimes. Just always know that you are making the right decisions for the moment. When you see that you might need to change direction, just do it. No shame at all.

It was a transition when I moved my boys to their toddler beds, we did it for each of them at 16 months. I put a baby gate at the door so they could not get out and just let them be. My younger son got it right away because he was sharing a room with his older brother, so he had a role model, but that was not the case with my oldest. The first night he fell asleep on the floor at the door. The next night I found him in a pile of toys, the 3rd night he was under his bed. I would just pick him up and put him in bed so he would wake up there, and after a few nights he figure it out. I never stood there and forced him to stay in the bed, I just made sure things were baby proof in his room and let him find his own way. It may have cost him some sleep for a few nights, but thats not a big deal.

As for the tantrums, I do not tolerate that. I do not yell if it happens, I put them in their room alone so no one has to listen to them and tell them they can come out when they can be calm and respectful. They do it for the attention, when you take away the attention then the behavior no longer has any payout.

put the potty chair away. Put the toddler bed back and the crib away. And get a gate for her room. Totally child proof the room so she can't hurt herself. we put my sons chest in his closet for almost a year we we first moved him to toddler bed as we were afraid he would pull it over. put the toys away and when you put her to bed either shut the door or put the gate up. we got up more than once in the morning to my son sound asleep at the gate lol. it won't hurt them. but falling out of the crib could.

Sounds like you have a lot of great advice already. I don't have much new to add, but I wanted to reassure you that you're doing the right thing. While normally I would say 20 months is on the young side for a toddler bed, you're absolutely right that the crib is not safe now that she's such a climber. Getting the toddler bed was the right thing to do. Keeping her in it is tough, but she'll figure it out. Super Nanny always said the key is not to engage her when she gets out. Without saying a word, take her hand and calmly walk her back to bed. If she's not getting attention, she'll have less incentive to get up.

Also, definitely don't do potty training right now. It's so not worth the battles you're going to face. She's not ready.

I get very frustrated with my children and then feel guilty about it as well. Don't beat yourself up - it's normal. I don't understand the moms that are always so calm!! I know though that, the more frustrated I am, the more upset they get. So, the key (and it is HARD) is to stay calm even when they are crazy, so they will eventually calm down to match your behavior as well. Of course, if she's in physical danger, be as crazy as you need to be!

What is your usual bedtime ritual? Are you still following it? Having a child climb in or out of a crib doesn't always mean it's time to get rid of the crib (yes they often fall in or out - so put cushions on the floor). On the other hand, children all over the world don't sleep in cribs so there's no natural affinity to sleeping with bars around you. But it may make her feel secure. At his point, however, she's just confused. 20 month is still a baby - technically a toddler - but still a baby. Also waaaaay to early to toilet train (except for that 1 in a 100,000 kid).

Could be that baby is also just hitting a new developemental stage at the same time you changed beds. They do that - as soon as we get them into a routine that works well for them and for us - we get used to it - then bam - they change, they grow, they develop. Maybe her daytime nap needs to be adjusted?

I put my son in the lower level of a trundle bed when he was about 20 months and it worked fine - but he was and still is just an easy going kid. It would not have worked for my daughter.

There's no perfect answer to this other than patience. At bedtime sit on the toddler bed with her, cuddle her on your lap and read a couple of books. When she lays down sit on the floor next to her and stroke her forehead gently, or her back or tummy - which ever one helps her sleep. Help her get comfortable with the bed.

We never used toddler beds - we just had regular single beds with the boxspring on the floor and a little fence type guard rail that tucked under the mattress. That way when I was exhausted I could just climb into bed with them! Probably not the best method but now at 14 & 17 they don't seem any worse for it.

I think we get impatient with our kids and yell or get grouchy when we're tired and anticipate things should go smoothly and they don't. Or when we're mad at our husband, mother, boss, etc. Instead, prepare yourself that bedtime won't be smooth. prepare yourself to lie down on the floor next to her bed if you need to. Sleep is so wonderful and nothing can replace it!

Hi J.,

I think you are a very normal mom with a very normal kid. When I worked with toddlers, our group was from 20-30 months-- and there was a reason we moved them up at this age. Your daughter is right on the cusp of two, and while there is no certainty that every child has 'terrible twos' (mine, for instance, had breezy twos but I was ready to run away from home when he hit three!), it sounds like your girl is really, really typical.

Other than telling you that you aren't a bad parent (hey, if you aren't giving into the tantrums, that is half the battle right there!), I think some information would be the best thing I can offer. So here are a couple of links you might want to have a look at. I like this particular site because it is meant for caregivers, and offers a lot of constructive advice at the end of the list of developmental characteristics:

http://www.allthedaze.com/development3.html

(I want to add to this that the spectrum for those developmental characteristics is for 2-3 years, so do NOT consider the developmental delay warning signs as significant until your child is a full three and a half. For example, it lists 'does not engage in pretend play' as one of the warnings... early twos may not do this either. Just thought you should be aware of that.)

Toddlers also thrive on predictability. I think leaving the option of the crib in the room is fine so long as there are no safety issues involved. If that does become a problem, then rethink. Ultimately, kids LOVE their routines, so choose what works overall and go forward.

Regarding bedtime and staying in bed: been there, done that-- what I strongly suggest is, once you have committed to the bed-- make a plan that you will be *teaching* her to stay in her bed, and understand that this is a process. When my son moved to his own bed and kept popping out of his room, I decided that we needed to make this a priority. So, we planned that one adult would be camped out in the hallway next to his room. I actually made a little bed out there, had my laptop, books, crossword puzzles (things I find entertaining) and was just ready to do my job of teaching my son. That first night, every time he popped out of bed, I put him back in with one word: "Bedtime." That was it. No other talking, no eye contact, just put him back in bed. No rewards, no cajoling, NO EXTRA HUGS AND KISSES (I put this in all caps because parents undermine their efforts by trying to be lovey and nice. This isn't about nice, this is about teaching them where they need to be. That this is a matter-of-fact reality-- when it is bedtime, you stay in bed. ) We had about five or six pop-ups the first night, and after the first time, I said nothing. Just kept myself calm and emotionally neutral (this is really helpful, not to engage or threaten, because it IS a big pain in the butt to do), and put him back in bed. I slept in the hall most of that night, because he got out of bed at one in the morning as well. The second night, he only got up two or three times, the third (my husband took that shift) just once..... So, be prepared, it may take a while, but if you are consistent, you don't let her stay up with you, you don't lay down with her-- NO payoff whatsoever for her getting up, she will eventually 'get it'.

You have a whole lot of development happening at this time. Here is also a list of developmental markers for potty training readiness:

http://www.iidc.indiana.edu/styles/iidc/defiles/ECC/CCR-T...

The font isn't great, but the information is spot-on. (note, the link at the bottom of article doesn't work.)

Hang in there, J.. You WILL again enter a season where your child has a sunnier disposition and is happy with life. Toddlerhood holds so many challenges for us as parents, so be sure you get some parenting breaks, be it a night out with your girlfriends or some time alone at home while your husband takes your daughter out. I actually told my husband that I needed some time alone and he found a cheap rate on a hotel room downtown for an evening on a Saturday. It was great-- met up with a friend for dinner, had a quiet evening alone, and met a girlfriend for breakfast before they picked me back up at checkout. Sorry for the length of this, but I believe strongly in sharing good information. Good luck!

Okay 1..she is 100 percent acting normal for this age. So breathe and move past that. Redirect like you have been. You are not a horrible mom because your kid isn't 100 percent polite and listens to everything you say. NO KID listens to every single thing their parent says. No kid. I call bs on any parent out there who says their kid does.

So with that aside...if she isn't read for the toddler bed then she just isn't. It seems you made the right decision putting the crib back in.

You are not a horrible mom!

You will try many, many things with your daughter and some will work, some won't work and with some, the timing is just not right yet.
That doesn't make you a bad mom. They don't come with instructions, lol!
You haven't broken her! You can't read her mind and mistakes and miss steps are part of mothering. You need to get comfortable with that idea.

Pick a disapline and stick with it. Love and Logic is a good one and I've heard good things about 123Magic. You can find them at the library or buy the books. Kids need for you to be in charge. It's good for you and her for you to just carry her out when she is pitching a fit. She needs to know who is boss. You can find ways to disapline her without yelling but if you don't get frustrated with a toddler's behavior, you are better than everybody else!

Sometimes kids need to drop or rearrange naps in order to be tired at bedtime. Try something different with her schedule.

Parenting is not for sissys. You will be stronger than you ever thought possible. She will push your buttons. Give her limits. Give her love. With both, she will be ok. Without one or the other, you've got trouble.

You've already gotten great advice. Just wanted to share another consideration. You might think about teaching her a few sign language words so she can communicate with you.

My daughter started screeching when she was a little younger than yours and it drove me CRAZY. I remember leaving Cheddars after trying to enjoy dinner with my husband. I knew I had to do something because she was getting so frustrated because I was taking so long to figure out what she needed (and to be honest she's not the patient calm sort of kid). I bought a DVD called signing with baby and it changed our lives. In very short order she learned 20 signs and we could communicate easily. Screeching gone. She and I still use it some when I want her to stop doing something but maybe we're out in public and I don't want her to be embarrassed. One time in gymnastics she was goofing off and she caught my eye. I signed stop and listen to her and she straightened up. Her coach caught the end of my sign and asked me if she had hearing issues and I said no, just reminding her to pay attention.

It may not work but I think a toddler has a lot to say without the verbal skills to do it. It worked wonders for us with both our kids although my son didn't learn as many signs because he wasn't as verbal or the same temperament as my daughter.

Sign language doesn't impede learning to talk either. Both my kids learned to talk and their vocabularies were above average.

Blessings and you are doing a great job!

L.

In my opinion, yes--too early for the toddler bed.
If not climbing out--leave her there til 3 yrs.
Basically--if it ain't broke, don't fix! Lol
Remove toddler bed for another year.
As for the tantrums? Keep calm & remove her every. Single. Time.
Even if it means going back to the store solo later.
Hard? Sure. But ultimately effective! Keep it up.

Get the book 1-2-3 Magic!

You are doing fine! Welcome to the "terrible twos"! This sounds like really normal 20 month old behavior. The books dont always mention that the terrible twos starts at about 18mos and lasts until they are 3!

I'd go back to the crib. Its not too late, and she is still very young. I'd remove the toddler bed from her room and try again in a few months.

And regarding the public tantrums - you are doing the right thing. If you were to give her that sucker because she was crying, THEN you would be creating a monster. But you said you took her out kicking and screaming, so it does not sound to me like you gave in!

My advice to you is to simply work on being consistent with discipline. Not saying that you are not doing it already, but your baby is now at the age where she will notice things like inconsistancies with her parents reactions, and if crying and/or screaming ever gets her a positive result, she will try it over and over again. IMO, consistent discipline is the best advice for any mom dealing with a baby who is entering the 2s where they are testing their limits and developing their own likes/dislikes, etc. This race is a marathon, not a sprint, so just set some rules, stick to your guns, and wait it out :)

Honestly, toddler beds are for toddlers not kids about to start pre-school. The baby bed mattresses only go up to a certain weight as it is.

Toddlers are babies that are toddling, learning to pull up and walk but not walking and running well. I don't think a 2 year old is a toddler. I think they are a pre-schooler.

I had each of my grand kids in a toddler bed by the time they were 15 months. In child care we start training the baby's to sleep on a cot by 11 months of age and get them down to one nap during the day. When they move up to the toddler room at 12 months they only take one nap and they sleep on cots.

So moving a kiddo that age is normal for me. If they're doing it at child care they may as well do it at home too. So we did and each time they got in bed and went to sleep. No big deal because to them it was bedtime not play time or anything else.

If you are still having such a hard time with her then put a baby gate in her doorway and put the baby monitor right there so you can hear her and hear if she knocks the gate down.

She'll get used to it eventually. The thinking is....even if she is not asleep she can play and entertain herself if her room is totally babyproofed with any shelves and furniture anchored to the all with L brackets on the top and the shelves themselves fastened with them too. This makes her room safe even if she does climb on them. NO small toys or toys that have small parts. If any part of a toy will possibly come off and it will fit through a toilet paper tube then it's not an age appropriate toy.

Her room should be her refuge, her safe place and it's up to you to make it that way. Google baby proofing a room and choke hazards.

She'll get used to it. Put a baby gate on the doorway, take out things she might hurt herself on, and keep putting her quietly and firmly back to bed when she gets up. It's new. She'll get past the novelty or at least learn to sleep on the floor.

Also, if you don't have a good bedtime routine (we didn't), then make one. It can make a huge difference. 1 to 1.5 hours ahead of bedtime, wind her down. Make it predictable. Ours is so routine the cats start bothering me for food when DD gets her bedtime book. They know it's almost dinner time for them. And I have found that a bath is a great way for a child to play but also relax and get cozy (warm jammies, book, cuddles). My DD used to be an 11PM kid, too...we got past it with a better routine.

I think you are right to delay potty training. One big transition at a time. I'd wait til she was at least 2-2.5.

Sounds like she's hitting the "terrible twos" a little early but I think that is normal. You did not take her out too soon. My oldest was in a toddler bed at 1 and yes he has some issues but was ok. And youngest because he was a climber as well was out of the crib at 7 months and into a pack in play until 9 months then in a toddler bed or our bed which ever we could get him to sleep in. They are both very healthy well adjusted children.

Per your SWH: J., you misunderstand. I did not say your daughter IS a monster. Of course she's not a monster. She's TWO!!!!! But giving into her everytime she screams for a sucker at the store WILL create a monster because she will tantrum like nobody's business to get what she wants. Giving into her turns her into this.

Get the Berenstain Bears book "The Berenstain Bears Get the Gimmees". Read it. Look at the pictures. This is what a child in a store screaming for what they want looks like. As a mother, it is your job to prevent this kind of behavior. How I explained to you is how you prevent this kind of behavior.

I promise, it will only get worse. Then you really WILL feel like a terrible mom. I know what I'm talking about. I've raised TWO spirited boys. I had to do the same thing. One learned faster and one took longer because of his difficult temperment. It all has to do with temperment.
Original:
You've given her a taste of freedom, and she's running with it. Too late to put her back in the actual crib. Instead, you make her ROOM her crib.

Stop trying to keep her in the bed. Make sure that the room is 100% childproofed, turn the doorknob around on the door so that the lock is on the outside, and close the door, lock it and leave. She will get bored in a room with nothing but a night light and go to sleep if you leave her alone. Yes, she may cry, but no matter. It's bed time and time for sleep.

Children eventually sleep where it's most comfortable. When she realizes that you aren't going to come in and entertain her with gotobed, gotobed, gotobed ad nauseum, she will eventually sleep in that bed.

Yelling doesn't do any good. Walking away does.

As far as the store is concerned, oh yeah, you are creating a monster. Either stop taking her to the store and do your errands after your husband comes home, or pick her up from her tantrum and take her to the car and strap her in her seat and stand outside of the car pretending to read a book. Let her cry. When she is done crying, no matter HOW long it takes, ask her if she's ready to behave and then take her back in the store and start over again. If you tell the clerk not to put away your cart, they will understand.

Every single time you give in to a child who is demanding and tantruming, you are making it worse. NEVER do that.

What helps me is to remember they have so very little control and influence in their world YET they are figuring out they can make choices. Holy smokes. I think that makes for a tough situation for everyone. They want to choose but they haven't figured out what they get a vote on. Also when they decide to cast a vote, it's with their entire tiny being thrown in the ring. In my opinion this is why small things can get blown way, way, way out of proportion in a matter of seconds.

We tried to move to the toddler bed. It was an epic fail so we backed off which is what worked for us. I recently visited with our pediatrician and he supported that notion wholeheartedly - do what works for your family. He said there are very few hills worth dying on and if you are constantly battling, it only wears everyone out. He also said picking battles carefully is NOT the same thing as being a waffle, wimp parent. It simply means you have figured out what mostly works and trying to head meltdowns off before they happen. He said parenting is a long term journey so try to be overall consistent to achieve the best results. He also said to brace for repeat boundary testing. We have thought a phase was done only to revisit it again a few months down the road. All typical - yesterday it was no; is it still no? They are trying to figure life out which includes testing boundaries, frequently and strongly.

For me if I think I am going to lose my cool, I close my eyes and count backwards from 100. Or I go put myself in mom timeout - I go to my closet, close the door and repeat a helpful phrase. Whispering too keeps me from yelling. It's hard to maintain anger when I whisper.

Toddlerdom is rough on everybody and not every approach works for every kid. You are not a bad mom if you care and you obviously care becuase you are asking questions and seeking help. Good luck and may you find your balance which works for family.

You're doing a great job.

I suggest putting a baby gate on her room. Put her in bed, shut off the light, and walk out. Be sure all distracting or light emitting toys have been put away where she can't get them.

Don't go back and put her into bed. Let her do her thing in the dark room until she's asleep and then once it's been silent for a while, peek in. Put her back in bed when you know she's out.

Repeat each night. Eventually she'll know that you're not coming to get her and it's bedtime.

Worry about potty training later. After she's sleeping in her bed.

You are by no means a horrible mom. This is very typical behavior for a child her age. Tantrums are how they express their frustration when they want what they want. They aren't able to really verbalize or rationalize, so they throw fits. You're not doing anything wrong.

As for bed time, take the crib away again. You are correct that it is not safe for her. Christy Lee had great advice. If you baby proof the room (anchor the furniture, put plugs in all the sockets, make sure there is nothing she can pull down on herself, and put a baby gate on the door, you don't have to go in there if she doesn't stay in her bed. Turn off the light, and have a night light on, and she'll get sleepy after awhile. If you go in every time she gets out of bed, she'll see that she's getting your attention and will keep doing it.

Best of luck!

Updated

You are by no means a horrible mom. This is very typical behavior for a child her age. Tantrums are how they express their frustration when they want what they want. They aren't able to really verbalize or rationalize, so they throw fits. You're not doing anything wrong.

As for bed time, take the crib away again. You are correct that it is not safe for her. Christy Lee had great advice. If you baby proof the room (anchor the furniture, put plugs in all the sockets, make sure there is nothing she can pull down on herself, and put a baby gate on the door, you don't have to go in there if she doesn't stay in her bed. Turn off the light, and have a night light on, and she'll get sleepy after awhile. If you go in every time she gets out of bed, she'll see that she's getting your attention and will keep doing it.

Best of luck!

The epic meltdowns are very likely because she isn't sleeping well right now. She sounds overtired. When you think about it, moving to a big girl bed is freakin' amazing in her world view. I wouldn't sleep either, if I were her. Rest assured the novelty will wear off and she WILL get used to it. You sound like a great mom. Hang in there!

Here is an idea if you want to go back to the crib for a while. Take the springs out of the crib and just put the mattress on the floor inside the crib. It gave us a few extra months before we had to move our daughter. Good luck!

She's almost two. Every child -except for the very rare super easy ones- needs a fair amount of discipline at this age to behave well. My three sure did. Calm and consistent enforcement after fair warning. If your discipline is effective, you won't need to get frustrated and yell, and you can focus more on the positive. At such a young age, the starker and more immediate and definite the difference is in your reaction for right behavior and wrong behavior, the better she will learn.

She is old enough to understand, "do not get out of bed, do not throw fits, do not climb certain things" etc... but not without enforcing consequences for disobeying those requests. Sounds to me like it's not really all about the bed if she's acting out in these different areas-which are all normal.

When she throws a fit and gets dragged screaming from a store, she has no idea she shouldn't do that again unless you give her an immediate consequence after your warning when she starts. One warning, and if she continues for even a few seconds, then off to the bathroom to enforce and then right back to shopping for another shot at acting rightly. Don't let her victoriously derail your errands or she'll do this for months-maybe even years.

The book "Back to Basics Discipline" by Janet Campbell Matson is great.