Father and Sensitive Son

I think you both need to read the book "Wild at Heart" by John Elderege.

Here's the thing....you're ALL normal and need to quit fighting about it.

I would ask your DH, "Is this working for you and for him? No, right? So can you at least try to relate to him in a different way and see if that's better?"

Is your DH a tough guy and wants his son to be tough? Is he unable to see that DS just needs to be met on his own terms?

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and the associated books may be a good study for you and DH. It gave me a lot of tips to use with DD without being so negative and pointed out that discipline does not need to be punishment.

What is a typical bad interaction? And can you tell your DH how you feel in similar situations so maybe your grown up words can explain what your son might feel?

I would also give your son words. "Dad, this music scares me. I'm going to the other room until this scene is over." Or "I'm nervous. Please hold my hand." And then ask your DH to really listen to the kid. If your DH can be sensitive to your needs, he can learn to handle his son's, too.

"How to Talk so Kids Will Listen" IS a great book! Simple and to the point.

I had the same issues with my DH and my son. I think it came down to our own parents parenting styles, too. Mine were much more patient than his were. He felt that to "discipline" our son he had to be harsh.

I talked to him at a time when we were not dealing with an issue. I explained that disciplining a child means to teach him right and wrong. TEACH him, not necessarily punish him. And that you don't need to need harsh with a child. You SHOULDN'T be harsh. I explained that I wanted them to have a good relationship and for our son to not be afraid of him. (Yes - I explined there is a BIG difference between respect and fear - also a difference between our parents' styles I believe)

Does it change over night? Nope! Took time. But it has improved.I also made sure to think my husband and point out to him when he was more patient and got the same results as he would have by "yelling" at our son, but with out the tears involved.

I also talked with Hubby about how our son crying when he is in trouble is not a bad thing. He feels bad. That is o.k. I asked him if he would rather have our son not care if he was in trouble. Of course, he said no, it was good that he cared. I said that it is when a child is in "trouble" and they don't react or care that there is an issue. Son getting upset meant he had a good heart. That helped too :)

Good luck! Playing referee is no fun!

Sensitive how? Like sensory issues or just a tender little heart?
My son was like that--quiet, thoughtful, etc when he was 3-4-5.
My husband is a string, tough Marine.
My son solved the problem himself after showing us a project on treating others with kindness that they did at school.
You know the O. where you cut a heart our of paper, them crumple it up & show that even though you can get it back to "normal" again, the wrinkles stay in the paper for good?
I think it made us ALL think about how a harsh word or thoughtless comment can do a little damage to our hearts if we're not careful.
I'll add this, neither I nor my husband hesitates to apologize to our son if we do something he finds hurtful.
It takes a very STRONG man to apologize sincerely to a child.
Can you just talk to your husband about this?
Show him these answers?

How well versed is your pediatrician on this issue, particularly in your son's case? It might take your child's doctor to explain it to your husband, maybe give him some tools for relating with him and a general guideline for expectations.

How does your husband relate to you when it comes to your sensitivity? If he sees it as a weakness, then it's difficult to see that in his little boy. He's got an idea of what a boy--HIS boy--is supposed to be like, and he'll need to learn to accept him for who he actually is. Not as easy as it sounds.

Sounds like a compromise is necessary. Your husband shouldn't bark and discipline every time your son cries, but you shouldn't always sympathise either, this does tend to make lots of kids super whiny and more prone to crying. I've taken a medium stance on it. Two of my kids are VERY sensitive. I can gage whether they need a firm, "Knock it off" type thing or if it's a legit sensitivity issue. Their dad is the same. SOME tolerance but not too much. tangent: We just read about how the Spartan army was trained....BOY do we baby little boys today-which is fine to an extent. Your son probably CAN handle a bit more toughness to toughen him up. Your husband could step back a bit when he sees you meet him half way. I have a very manly extended family with pretty much no tolerance for wimpy behavior in boys. In a way, they're firmer than I am personally comfortable with in my own home, but there is no denying they have tough, resilient, confident boys who become tough confident men. This "mommy sympathises" all the time thing probably really burns your husband. My husband would't like it. Not saying you're wrong, just saying you guys do need to parent together on this. And a boy's primary role model is dad, so DON'T undermine him if at all possible. This feeds your son's behavior and makes everything worse for everyone.

Maybe you should not always "save your son." Let your husband handle him by himself. Your son is going to have to go out in the real world and you cannot always be there to save him. Better he should learn that different people handle situations and reactions differently at home. This way he won't be surprised when he ventures out there without you.

what techniques are you teaching your son to cope as an alternative to crying? By 4 he *should* have a bit more control.

There IS parenting counseling.... it's just called marriage counseling. And they will work with BOTH of you to get you on the same page with how you parent your son. Neither of you are "right" but both of you may have valid "points". By you stepping in, however, you are undermining your husband and also not letting him see what will or won't work. However, I understand your impulse to "save" your son.

Remember that the best way to change someone else is to look at your own behavior first.
Also - the best gift you can give your son is NOT to save him from whatever might be adversarial, but instead to give him the tools to cope in a way that is helpful to him and respectful to everyone involved.

I agree with Patty. My son and hubby were the same way a few years ago. Now that i have stepped back things have so improved. They still have their moments but you know my son KNOWS his daddy loves him. And in your hubbys defense he probably gets your son more than you think. That is the way it was in our family.
You sound like an amazing mom.
Many blessings

I can not tolerate crying, unless it is for a very good reason (blood or bone). I understand sometimes kids just need to cry for no reason, and some kids cry for no reason more than others. I just make sure that crying never gets them their way, and when possible I make sure that the crying is not done where I have to listen to it. I would simply say "if you are going to cry you need to go to your room. Come out when you are done." I kind of treat crying like masturbation. It is ok to do it, but keep it to yourself.

Does your husband think that your son uses crying to manipulate you? Is there any chance this is true, at least some of the time?

I have a son that is sensitive too. He's almost 7 and still doesn't want to watch a movie with a scene that might be scary. BUT - when he was younger, he also starting crying for every little thing, and sometimes it was to get attention from me. So we implemented a rule - crying isn't wrong or bad. Everyone needs a good cry sometimes. But if you need to cry, you go to your room and hug your lovey to cry. It works because if he's sad or upset, having a moment alone to pull himself together helps. Once he's calm, I'll usually go into his room and talk it out for a minute to make sure he's ok. And he stopped crying to get attention, because going to his room was the opposite of what he really wanted in that situation.

You might think about something like this, because your son needs to learn to calm himself. And you need to make sure he's not using his tears as a way to manipulate.

My husband could not stand whining and crying. We would send them to their room until they could come out and talk about what was bothering them in a coherent way or until they felt better.
It actually worked better then me and all my empathy. Our kids were alot more pleasant to be around then most their age who were doing the whining and falling on the floor thing. I give my husband all the credit.

There is family counseling and parent coaching. Separate entities.

What is your husband's fear underlying his severity and intolerance? Afraid he's going to raise a 'sissy'? It's a very real fear, and chances are that when he himself showed sad or upset emotions, his own dad may have likely tried to shut that down. So instead of being able to just be present during those moments, there are a lot of emotions happening for him and likely, there is a certain amount of 'risk' in letting your son just be who he is.

I'm always a huge advocate for counseling. If your husband is a reader, Bruno Bettelheim's book "A Good Enough Parent" might help. Some of this your son will likely outgrow as he ages. Some of this tenderness may be with him for a long time, and as he grows older, you can work with therapists to help your son develop coping skills.

I didn't add this to your other post about your son, but one thing my husband does during movies is to sit with my son and just fast forward anything he is finding upsetting. Often, this is a good way to 'watch' movies with a sensitive kid-- they still see some of the action and the sound is removed for a short time. We do preview nearly everything, but if we have to 'miss' part of the movie, we are adults and capable of knowing that we can watch it again at a later time.

There's a fine line with being 'tolerant' and 'playing into' a child's fears. I don't validate unreasonable fears, but we do some role playing (exploring "so, if that did happen, what could you do?"), some reasoning (which goes over about 50% of the time) and we find resources. My son has a sensitivity to getting his hair washed, for example, so I found an OT who gave me some good advice about desensitizing his head with activities *before* washing his hair. There's no magic solution.

Talk with your husband about going to counseling, where he might be able to cultivate some empathy or sympathy for his son. It must be really hard for your son to feel scared and then have his feelings routinely scorned or dismissed. Consider getting a referral from your pediatrician and talking to either an OT or a temperament nurse. Sometimes, getting further, objective insight from a professional who sees kids like this every day is very helpful. I know it was for us.

I suggest that you try stepping back and see if your husband will then also step back some. It's very common for parents to take extreme views in reaction to the other person's view.

This will be very hard to do. I've had some success with it with my daughter who tends to come down really hard on her daughter. I wait until another day to ask if we can talk about the situation. I try to actively listen to her reasons for doing so. Then I mostly say, that I see her viewpoint. If she asks for mine, I give it. If not then I do some hopefully subtle commenting in small sound bites over several days. The soundbites do not directly refer to the incident. For example I ask her how she thinks daughter feels when she cries.

My father was insensitive. He would say he never got angry. LOL When he punished us in anger, my mother stayed out of it and then came to our room afterward and soothed us. She tried to explain how my father was feeling and did make excuses for him. It worked for me i.e I was soothed and learned to understand difficult people well, but not for my brothers who grew up to be angry men, the result of much more verbal mistreatment then the angry punishments. So, I say this is not the best or even a good way to handle it.

But it is important to stay out of the fray when he starts in. Because it makes him even angrier and increases the negative energy. Have all your talks with your husband out of earshot of your son. When he sees that he's the cause of your fight he takes on a sense of responsibility for them.

Try reading up on and practicing non violent communication with your husband. Here is their web sites. http://www.cnvc.org/
This site shows you why and how to practice it. http://www.wikihow.com/Practice-Nonviolent-Communication

And yes there are parenting coaches. Seeing one together would be ideal. If he won't go, go yourself. My daughter gets coaching help from a family counselor who is willing to see the whole family. So far it's just mom and daughter.

I have the same issue with my husband and kids. I have been working on this with them for a while. It took an occupational therapist to diagnose Sensory Processing Disorders for my son for my husband to lighten up a little bit. But, my daughter does not have these issues. She is 3.5 and cries at little things. I think it is because she gets overwhelmed and her brain is moving too fast for her mouth. So, she either repeats the same things over and over but never getting to the point, or she cries because she is frustrated. I have started asking her pointed questions to get her thoughts in order and that seems to really help her. Then, she is able to communicate what she wants or needs to so she doesn't need to cry.

I also do the take a deep breath and hold it a few times until she is calmer. We also will let her go to her room to calm down until she is ready to talk or try again. Maybe its not explaining WHY your son does this, but helping your husband UNDERSTAND that his job as a PARENT is to help his son learn coping skills so that he doesn't need to cry all the time. Maybe look at some SPD stuff and see if it could help you and your husband learn to communicate with each other to/for your son. I am not saying he has one, but I am saying it has a lot of good stuff for parenting sensitive kiddos.

I have a very sensitive son also, and it sometimes drives my husband crazy. He use to yell and fuss at him. We learned that if we have my son go his room when he gets upset, he calms down more quickly. Sometimes he just needs to hash it out on his own and get it out of his system. We give him a few minutes, and then go in and talk it out, give hugs, encouragement, etc. It's helpful too that my son feels like he has a place to go where he can get it all out without repercussions. That also gives my husband a chance to calm down also and think before he speaks to him in a not-so-productive way.
Try not to worry too much- it will get better as he gets older.
Hope this helps.