Family Drama

After four years of being treated this way, I wouldn't even consider making the trip. That's just masochism. Plus, you're teaching your children to jump through hoops for people who don't respect you. You should chat with a psychologist who probably has a very easy response to this behavioral pattern, just to put it in perspective for you. Otherwise, you'll still have this same problem in 5 years, ten years, 15 years, you know?

By the way, my brother's married to an awful woman (he knows that), so I've never travelled 2000 miles to visit them). Why on earth would I use up my vacation time and family money on a woman who is awful? (She's a spousal abuser and screams at her kids too.) I would just spend the whole time cringing at the family dynamics. My other siblings and husbands are in complete agreement that it would be foolish to drive that far to be in that household.

Good luck to you, and please treat yourself kindly.

Dear S. - Family dynamics can be more intense around the holidays. All the expectations around "being happy to be with each other" can put pressure on all of us.

However, you have an opportunity for growth in this experience. It sounds like your BIL and sister are being protective of their daughter, just as you would be of your children. You are experiencing them as being cool and overly involved because you are being cool and distance to their daughter. What made you so angry towards your niece? Families are good places to practice compassion and acceptance, even if we aren't good friends with each other. If you showed some effort to be nice to your niece I imagine your BIL and sister would not have to protect her from you and would feel closer to you. Perhaps there is work to be done to understand your own position with your niece and try to work on your feelings towards her. What do you have to lose? Good luck. Such moments can be our best teacher.
S. W. LCSW, family therapist.

Hi S.,
Have you seen the ads for the movie "Four Christmas's"? This is what it is about, dysfunctional families! I am sorry about your relationship with your niece soured and your sister puts pressure on you about it. A few years ago my brother in law moved in with my mother in law who was grieving from her husbands death, he was supposed to take care of her but all he did was lay around, smoke ciggarettes and eat her food. She gave him an allowance of $1600 per mo, but he still stole $250k from her. She passed last year and we had to go the funeral and listen to him ( in her house that she gave him out right) talk about how she forgave him and all thus BS! And we had to do all the funeral planning with him and he talked and talked, UGH! So just put a smile on your face and remember that AA saying," god grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change and the wisdom to know the difference"! Hang in there, you can't change these people, and maybe your niece has matured some and you won't dislike her as much. And maybe she is hurt by your rejection and was immature in her reaction to that. People in their early twenties can be very immature, I have a step son who is twenty (21 in Feb) who is comically immature, some of the thing's he does are unimaginable for us now! So maybe give her a chance!

Hi S.,

I have been in your situation with my in laws and so I feel for you. If you absolutely have to make the trip, I would try to be as bubbly, light hearted, and happy as you can be. I mean over the top happy. I have found that negative people and feelings are contagious, but the same can go the other way as far as being happy. They are all probably expecting you to be a certain way so don't give them that satisfaction. Show them you are better than them and if they are icy and cold just ignore it and smile and be jovial and happy. In the end, it will leave them scratching their heads, it will show everyone else including your children how well you can handle things and it will make you feel a lot better too. I would be happy to talk more with you if you need too. Good Luck!

Dear S.,
I think you have received excellent advice already, about limiting your contact with the family, arranging other activities for your family, perhaps talking to a therapist about your feelings. I just wanted to add that it is OK not to like your family - I think we often feel guilty if we don't like our family members as people. But clearly your sister, BIL and niece are just not people you would choose to be your friends, and you can let yourself off the hook - you don't have to be anything but polite and superficial!

take care, S.

S.,

There is no law that says you have to like your relatives! However, everyone should be treated with respect (unless something horrible is done to deserve losing it)

That being said, I would go. I would act as though everything is great and leave the past in the past. If anything happens while you are there, or they are overtly rude to you, I would leave the party.

You don't say where you are going, but there is bound to be something else you and your family can do should the atmosphere at your sisters home become hostile. If the kids want to know what's going on, just say you had a disagreement and decided it would be better for everyone to just cool off for a bit. Then do something fun with your family - even if it's just a movie!!

Good luck - Merry Christmas!! (don't forget what the season is REALLY about!)

C.

I just got back from spending a few days in Nebraska with family and was not looking forward to trying to fit a lot into such a short time, not to mention there was a family member there that I didn't care to see - love her because she's family, but haven't appreciated comments or decisions made... We had to find and pay someone to house-sit for our animals, then drive 8 hours in a car with 3 kids-11, 7 & 6. I am also 36, married since August '97 and work in theatre as well! Not that that has anything to do with what you're writing about! Anyway, life is too short - have fun living it!! Just be you and enjoy your holidays and do all that you can to be like a duck - let it roll off your back! I know that's easier said than done!! I also have a fabulous husband whose support was awesome - it gave me a healthy place to vent!!!