Family Christmas

L. this is a tuff one. My daughter is 2 so this will be her 3 christmas. We do Christmas Eve with his family then Christmas day with my fam. This has worked out for us. We also have all the gift's under the tree, then one person plays puts the santa hat on and plays Santa. that person give out one gift at a time and this makes it so much fun. Hope this helps good luck. Keep me up dated on how it goes.
I am 36 and a sahm of a loving 2 yr old girl

It stinks, but I think you are going to have to bend. Imagine if your husband suggested that you never spend another Christmas with your family. Sharing holidays and allowing the other spouse to enjoy a style of holiday celebrating (while you sacrifice celebrating it as you like for that year) is, I think, one of the hardest parts of a marriage. It is necessary though. Perhaps your families live close enough that you can spend time with each in the same holiday season so you don't miss your siblings every other year, perhaps not. If not, perhaps you can find another way/time to see them through the year. Again, I know it stinks, but marriage is a partnership and partnership is sometimes about compromise. In the end, you are choosing your spouse over your family which is so hard, especially so at Christmas, but necessary for a good marriage. At least that is what I think and why I rotate Christmas one year with my husbands family, next with mine - even though Christmas is one of the only times my family gathers from all of their distant places across the US and my family's Christmas is (IMHO) the best celebration ever.

Hi L.
It is never easy trying to juggle two different families with completely different traditions. Think about how you feel about your parents and family and your traditions. I'm sure you wouldn't have it any other way. Now, think about how your husband feels. Don't you think that he feels the same way about his family and his traditions? So why would it be fair to completely abandon his family for Christmas? As far as their comments about religion...not acceptable and either you or hubby need to address that. But as far as everything else, please don't be offended, but you are really sounding pretty selfish. We have all for the most part had our "rocky moments" with our in-laws, but I have learned that if you keep a negative attitude about it it can sometimes make it much worse than it really is. Honestly, who wouldn't rather continue their childhood traditions with their own family?? Realistically, that's not what marriage is about. It took my husband and I a few years to come up with our plan. We go to my husbands parents on Christmas day, Easter dinner and dessert for Thanksgiving. We go to my parents Christmas night, Thanksgiving dinner and Easter dessert. This way there is never a hoiday where anyone feels left out. How would you feel if your husband didn't like your family and expected you to ditch them for Christmas? I'm sure you would not stand for it and neither should he. I'm sorry if I am coming across as harsh, but just try to be fair because you love your husband not because you love his family.
You are both going to have to compromise, and if this involves a few uncomfortable conversations with the in-laws about your feelings,so be it. Bottom line, they are not going away so you may as well try to see the good in them. Good luck!

Hi L.,

I would ABSOLUTELY NOT go to their house for Christmas AT ALL!!!! If your hubby wants to see them for the holidays, then set up a day either a week or so before OR after christmas, and do a gift exchange then.

And how HORRIBLE to denounce the Lord!!!! It made me sick to my stomache when I read that part. A Christian has no right to be around people like that - family or not. They should AT LEAST have the common curtousy to keep their mouths shut when you're there!!!! How AWFUL!!!!!!

Forget about the dog thing - I know it's pathetic - but that'll just make you look like you're finding every little reason not to go there to your husband (unless he feels the same way). I'd stick to the whole - denouncing God, chaotic, & not feeling like Christmas - when it comes to why you don't want to go.

In my home, we visit with my husband's side a few days either before or after Christmas. We visit with my side the weekend before Christmas. That way, on Christmas day, we can Praise the Lord, have Prayer, open gifts at our own leisure, & relax & enjoy the wonderful day. No running around or anything. We get that out of the way before hand. Because let's face it - once Christmas is over - it's over.

Atleast the time leading up to it is still 'exciting' & the holiday spirit is there, leading up to the 'big event'. So that's why we decided to do our 'family parties/gatherings' before hand while the holiday spirit is there.

Sometimes you have to remind yourself that what's important is you & your family. That means YOU, YOUR HUBBY, and YOUR CHILD(ren). When you married each other, it meant that you became your OWN family. You make the decisions together. YOUR side of the family & his side of the family are now "extended' family - since you now have your own. Do what's best for you & yours and don't worry about the extended ones. I'm sure if they're atleast 1/2 decent - they'll understand and won't mind the pre-christmas get together either.

I truly hope this helped you out atleast a little bit. And good luck! Oh & no - you are NOT off base with this situation AT ALL!!!!!

God Bless!
C. B.

have it at your house and lay down the law on how things are going to be done.. although - you do need to ease up a little about how they celebrate.. I have this problem with my in laws.. I was brought up very different than they were, so you have to let go a little on some issues. If you want to see your niece and nephew open your gifts, put them all in a trash bag and pull them aside before or after the gift explosion.. The dog thing - if it's at your house, you can put your foot down on it, but at other people's house you really can't.. you can suggest that you will bring a baby gate and let the dog run around in a room, but there's not a whole lot you can do other than not go (which is what I am doing this year with my family!). marriage is give and take and compromise.. you need to compromise a little.. It is what it is and you can't change them.. good luck

Everyone's feelings are different, and you are not right or wrong for feeling the way you do. But if your husband doesn't share your feelings, keep in mind he was brought up this way, you need to decide what you are willing to swallow as part of your partnership. It's not out of line to bargain the holidays - a lot of people do. But before you settle on your deal - keep in mind that when your daughter is a little older (maybe 3 yrs, definitely by the time she's 4), she is going to want to be IN YOUR OWN HOME for Christmas. She's going to want to sleep in her own bed and wake up to see if Santa came in her own home. So this toting around at Christmas time is likely to only last another year anyway. (If you're lucky, you'll get your side of the family to come to YOUR house). I would throw New Year's into the mix. Most people get that as a holiday, and it's close enough to Christmas to still feel like you are celebrating Christmas, if you want.

Yuck. I've had difficult holidays for YEARS. My husband's parents are divorced and remarried, so on top of the my vs. his family, we have to be equal in how we deal with both sets of folks or they get jealous.

DEFINITELY host. It puts you in control and it's on your territory. You have the perfect excuse-- a baby. It's too hard to travel with them that young and their schedule gets all messed up around the holidays. It will only get worse as the baby gets older, so institute a 'home for the holiday' rule. Kids wants to be in their house Christmas morning anyway. If no one wants to travel on Christmas day, offer to do a big open house on Christmas Eve. Or on New Year's Day. Or even the week before Christmas.

As for the dog, I would say the baby has an allergy and breaks out in a rash if around animals!

The dog you can't do much about. It would be awful to leave him in the car for a whole visit. But set ground rulles about leaving the yard how it was before he got there.
I think you need to think about celebrating at home and share christmas eve alternate years with your family and his. expecting any family to just focus on your child is inappropo. Christmas is about family in traditional families and Jesus in religious ones. Your husband has a family different from yours and you'll have to learn to compromise. This can be the hardest part of marriage. Your "taking him away" from them as most in-laws feel. So sometimes they can be hostile and feel that they should judge before you judge them. Taking christmas off the list will just be more reason they feel judged. Which is not good for anyone. Be polite and accepting, it's what Jesus would do right? Even if they denounced him.

but don't dimminish your feelings also. Make them known to your husband so you have someone who knows how you're feeling.I hope this helps.

Well, with marriage comes some juggling of families. I can understand that they make you feel uncomfortable with their views on religion. The best thing you can do for that is to agree to disagree and not let the topic come up ,which I know may be difficult at Christmas, but if nobody brings it up it will definitely lessen the tension. As long as you can all agree on that, I think the other things will be easier to deal with. You should have your husband talk to his family and make sure they understand how unwelcoming it is to you that they denounce the Lord in your presence. If they have a problem with it, then you have every right to not want to be around that.
As far as how they open presents, well, that's how they do it. I'm assuming your family takes turns opening presents and that's what you're comfortable with. You shouldn't really get upset about that. It's a minor detail.
Now for the dog. We have a dog, so I guess we're dog people, but we've really never brought her anywhere except to my sister's house to play with their dog. It's perfectly reasonable to ask them not to bring their dog to your house and I'm sorry they didn't respect your wishes, but I agree with another comment that you can't take that out on the dog by making it stay in the car. As long as the dog is friendly and doesn't dig up your yard and they clean up after it, it shouldn't be a big deal to have it in your yard. Some people do treat their dogs like family because they are family. Just make sure that your wishes are respected. Make sure your husband is on board with you and can talk to them.
If you want Christmas to be centered around your child and only your child, then you have to start your own tradition and have it at your house. I hate to say it, but you can't expect people to bend over backwards to make a family day about 1 person (even if it is her first Christmas).
As far as rotating holidays, you have to make it fair. If your husband wants to spend just as much time with his family as you do with yours, that's his right. I know lots of couples who have a hard time juggling this, so luckily you're not alone. What my husband and I have always done is see both families on all the holidays unless his mom is away (she travels a lot). His parents are also divorced so that makes for a long day, but we make it work. For example with Christmas, we open our presents here in the morning, then go to his dad's house and spend a couple hours, then to my parents house for the main meal at lunch and if his mom is around, we go there for dessert. That may not be possible for you guys if their is long distances to travel, but what about doing Christmas eve with one family and Christmas day with the other?

I think the most important thing at Christmas is your immediate family(husband,daughter).We personally spend Christmas at home and it's great.We order chinese for lunch my sons' favorite and he gets to spend all day playing with his toys watching movies whatever he wants.Christmas eve we spend with my family.It's a little different for us since my husbands' side is very small.His mom/stepfather aren't very family oriented although they are always invited on Christmas eve and to our house Chritmas day.We leave it up to them if they want to come.I really think of my son first and it just works.Good luck.T.

L.,

My gut tells me that you are justified in your feelings. However, not knowing the people personally, I can't tell for certain. I can share with you that my in-law experience is also not a positive one. My husband and I started off during our engagement dividing the holidays. Thanksgiving with his, Christmas with mine--no splitting the days. Easter was easy because we generally have to work the next day and traveling to his parents house would not have worked (my parents and my husband and I all live in CT, his parents lived in NJ, and about 8 years ago moved to eastern PA). So Easter was assigned to my parents' house. No issues were present. Christmas was also not an issue because we would be at my parents' for Eve and Day, and because my in-law family is so large, my MIL and FIL always had a "family" Christmas the first weekend after New Years. That started to get moved around when problems started popping up in other areas of the family. We were unable (and, quite honestly, eventually became unwilling) to continue to shuffle around all of our holiday plans at that time to accommodate the various changes. Around the same time was our Thanksgiving dilemma. We did it at his parents' house. Everyone in his family knew this. One year, they were unable to host. Not one member of his family was willing to have us go to their dinner. Not one! My family extended the invitation each year, knowing what we had set up, but invited anyway. At the last moment, my parents still took us in. Thanksgiving is always decided upon by my husband--he always chooses my family because of that and now other things that have followed. We now have the same people at dinner, but host it at our house. Eventually, Christmas also went by the wayside--too much had/has happened and since we are never quite sure about when it will be held, we don't want to set up our children in that negative environment.

It is never an easy decision to have to choose a location for holiday meals. I would pray about it, talk it over with your husband, perhaps even with a member of your church or a member of the clergy. You have to do what you think is right. You have to be content with your decision. Your primary concern is/should be your daughter. That is the bottom line. Once we had children, many of these decisions have gotten a bit easier in some ways. I do want them to have a relationship with all of their family--BUT--I do not want that relationship to have ill-effects on them. Once that is determined, then I know I have my answer. NOTHING can compete with the love and care you provide for your child.

Good luck--I will be thinking of you.

Hi L.,

I laughed while reading your post -- I could have written it!! Nice to know I'm not the only one! We alternate Thanksgiving & Christmas with our families. I used to do the same for Easter, but then my MIL made the mistake of doing her passive-aggressive talk with me..."Oh, you'll be spending Easter with your family this year? Well, I knew when my sons got married that they'd spend more time with their wives' families..." Say, what?! Here I had been so FAIR!! It was great -- gave me a viable excuse to say NO MORE EASTERS WITH THEM!! (I wish she would complain about Christmas!!)

I definitely dread each holiday we have to spend with them. The worst part? My husband does too!! He only wants us to go out of GUILT!! A shame...

The past few years, we have been hosting at our house for every "in-law" holiday. For the most part, it's better.

Good luck!

Hi L.. You got some excellent advice so far. I thing the holidays bring out the worst in most people. I have a similar situation as you, without the dog problem. I think marriage is a constant compromise. Try talking it out with you husband calmly and without too much emotion. You know they just are't wired as we are, so he may just react in negative way or tune you out completely (not knowing your husband of course). I think you have to take turns, unfortunately. I think because they don't believe in Christmas, it's totally rediculous that they even celebrate it. These days it's not about religion, it's about the gifts... which is a travasty! Now, the DOG... I am a dog person, and I think they were totally disrespectful of your wishes.. only goes to prove how insensitive they truly are... but you should have your hubby deal with his family. Keeping the dog in the car would be inhumane! What about a garage? Next time tell them to go home if they chose to disregard your rules for your home! How rude! Sounds like your husband's family forgot what Christmas is all about, and cares more about what they getin gifts. Shallow! My family is small so I try to see them every year. We do something really cool in our family. My mother-in-law MUST have everyone attend her Christmas/Thanksgiving/Easter celebration. This won't happen unless she makes consessions. So, she has us all over the following weekend. It's works for us, BUT then we have a week long holiday, etc... but it takes care of that problem. Maybe you should entertain that idea. Good luck to you and God Bless! C.

Hi L., Poor you! It's tough when visits when the in-laws are not pleasant. I suggest you compromise, it's only fair to your husband, who I assume would like to see his family on holidays too... and your daughter should get spend some holiday time with them too (good, bad, and the ugly, they are her family too even if you disagree with some of their ways!). My husband and I alternate Thanksgiving and Christmas with our families, so for example this year we are "scheduled" to spend Christmas with my family, so we will have Thanksgiving with his. Next year we will switch. This has worked out well as our families are aware of this agreement so there is never any question or griping about it anymore between them OR my husband and I. While of course Christmas is not the same spending it without my side of the family, I am still spending it with my husband and children and allowing them to share in all the traditions on both sides! It may not be ideal, but it works for us!

Hi L.. I can understand your frustration of wanting to spend the holiday with your family and the lack of respect that you receive from your in-laws. It's difficult for me to spend a lot of time with my mother-in-law due to the digs that she constantly makes about my husband and I. She's very sly and degrades us both. She is still my husband's mother though. And, my children's grandmother... So, I know that I have to respect their love and adoration for her.

We have made the decision that Christmas is more for our children and decided to host Christmas at our house. We've invited both sides of the family and will institute our own family traditions. This will allow us to be in "control" of what happens on Christmas Day.

I hope that things work out for you. Good luck!

Hi L., There are many of us out here who "feel your pain" on this one! Before my husband and I had children, we tried very hard to see both families at Christmas every year, now that we have children, we've started a new tradition. Our families live 4 hours apart, so we compromise, we spend Christmas Eve/Christmas Morning in our own home with our children...period. Relatives are more than welcome to come and visit, they know where we'll be.

Then we set aside a time outside of the immediate holiday to see each family ex. we may spend the week-end before Christmas with my family, we will go around give all of the gifts out to my nieces and nephews,(and let them open the present then and there!) see my family, have a nice big meal and a quiet special holiday, then we schedule a time to see my husband's family...perhaps New Year's Eve, maybe a week-end two weeks before? Maybe Christmas afternoon/evening you can visit for a night or so.

I do think you need to talk openly and honestly with your husband on this, understand he may have the same feeings about your family at Christmas that you do about his. It needs to be a compromise that you both can live with.

Good Luck! Merry Christmas!!! M.

Hi L.,

How does your husband feel? I mean, if he enjoys spending Christmas with his family then it's not fair to never do so. I know you mentioned briefly that they say mean things to you, but obviously not mean enough for you to stop going completely because you are willing to spend other holidays with them. The denouncing God part does seem a bit excessive. I'm assuming you are raising your daughter in your religion and that your husband is in agreement. So I would suggest asking your husband to speak to his parents about toning down the denouncing. You shouldn't do it because you alluded to some tension. But be sure to prep him to not say things like "L. wanted me to ask you" or "L. is uncomfortable..." He needs to just say "We are raising Emmy to be whatever and are concerned she will be confused hearing her grandparents and uncles say there is no God." You won't be able to shield her from it forever, but maybe long enough to give her a good start in her faith. That said, if they won't tone it down, just teach her that God exists and some people just don't believe and you don't know why. Don't tell her that people who don't believe are going to hell because she will become upset that grammy will burn in hell. I'm serious. I saw this happen before. Good luck.

C.

Hello L.,
We have similar issues with the big debate of the what and where of the Holidays. I believe that the MAIN problem is just that--once you are married and have children of your own--THAT IS YOUR FAMILY!!!! You and your husband need to be on the same page that you want your daughter to be the focal point of your holiday. When you try to please everyone, no one appreciates it and you end up being the most disappointed!! : ) We alternate holidays too, but we have agreed that on Christmas Day, we are staying at our own home and are spending it just the 3 of us and if anyone wants to come over, our door is open, but we are not traveling anywhere.
It is frustrating when no one understands that your child and family comes first. Good Luck!
L.

Hi L.,

It sounds like you are trying to sell the decision you have already made. Are you just looking for permission to diss the in-laws?

Your family is not unique. We all struggle with issues like this. We are used to celebrating in ways that are familiar and comforting to us, however, your family is now primarily your husband, yourself and your daughter. You need to consider his feelings, expectations and needs as well as yours and your daughters. While I wouldn't be concerned about offending the inlaws, you don't want to do anything which causes stress between your husband and yourself.

Sit down and talk with your husband. Tell him your concerns and ask for his input. Together come up with a compromise you can both live with.

If you are raising your daughter as a christian, you will be able to denounce the inlaws comments and teach her she will live in a world filled with non-believers. This could be a valuable opportunity to begin to teach the lessons of faith.

Your daughter will deal with these kinds of comments throughout her life; so many people have begun to eliminate christian beliefs and values from their lives. You cannot avoid all of the individuals who live differently than you. Of course, with your husbands support, speak to the inlaws and let them know you are offended by their comments. Hopefully they will be sensitive enough to try and curb their editorializing.

If you are really lucky, your husband will agree wholeheartedly with your concerns and together you will be a stronger force.

As far as the dog is concerned. If you believe the dog is a danger, you have an obligation to keep your daughter safe. If it is mostly just an annoyance I would encourage tolerance. Best Wishes.

J. L.

Hmmm??? In-laws are the best, aren't they? I know the feeling of not enjoying time as much with my husband's side of the family, which is a new thing since complicated by his father remarrying and everything being done like his new wife wants. One Christmas she invited her brother-in-law who was a recently paroled child molester, didn't of course tell us even though we had traveled 1,000 miles to see them. That was uncomfortable and annoying. So now that we have a little girl, we won't be over if he is being invited and we are both in agreement. But Christmas is tricky, since everyone has it off for holidays. His family is just as important to him as yours is to you. TRead delicately on this issue. He obviously wants his kids to see his family just like they see yours.
I would consider making certain holiday times are shared evenly through out the year. Alternating schedules might be your best bet to meet your and your husband's emotional needs.
maybe do a holiday or new year's party with his side, if he and they are open to it since they're not believers in religion. But my advice is not to harp on that matter too much. Don't get into a fight with your husband over it. It's just not worth it. After all, marriage is 50/50.
Good luck!

Hi L.,
Now is the critical time for you and your husband to start you own holiday traditions. Especially since it is your baby's first 'real' Christmas...they will be more fun each year too. You should plan to stay home. Make it intimate and special for you, hubby and child. Find a way to do this so the other families understand it is and will always be your priority. They will learn to respect this ( or not). Plan time to spend the holiday with them either later in the day, the day before, after or weekend before/after. You need to establish the precedent now or it will be harder to do in the future. I know it is hard to break out of manipulative family situations, but now you must do what is best and right for you and your immediate loved ones. Good luck.

The only thing I can think of to suggest is to go with your husbands wishes. But tell him it only going to happen every two years.

Try to plan the visit so its as short as possible. Arrive on Christmas morning and leave as soon as dinner is over.

You may be able to phase this visit out completely over the years as you decide to make your own family traditions that don't include ANY visiting at all on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.
Stay home with your husband and children and enjoy the holiday together.

Hi L. -

It would be really nice if families could be accommodating at Christmas but it seems like so many cannot. Is it possible for you to arrange a "private" Christmas with just hubbies parents like the weekend before Christmas and then perhaps see your family the day after? That leaves you free to celebrate the day with your husband and daughter. I feel you should start to establish your own traditions in case you have more children and it will start to be more difficult to go around to all the families at this time of year.

Good Luck

the best thing i can recommend is have an open talk with hubby about your concerns. I would phrase it so that the concerns are mostly centered around what you want for your daughter and obviously not put them down. Suggest your ideas and then ask him what he suggests. Good Luck
HC

Dear L.,
Oh, Honey~ your feelings are your feelings, there's no "right"or "wrong" here about them.Honor yourself as a woman and mom and address them.I spent many uncomfortable years trying for my husband's and children's sake to fit in with his hateful mom and judgemental family.
Pffft! Wish I had saved the effort.Long story short, I stopped trying and built a new family tradition with the relatives who meant the most to me and loved me unconditionally~ my husband, our kids and a few of my relatives. Your husband needs to decide where his loyalties lie, and you need to talk with him about it, calmly. You are his wife, his present and future. If he chooses to put his disrespectful, rude family's feelings above yours, you will never feel that he truly supports you. He needs to make a decision here. Will he decide to stand with you and present a united front to his family and the world? Or leave you twisting in the wind?
I hope he chooses you.
In the meantime, life is too short, and holidays too precious, to spend them being overwhelmed, put down, and miserable.
Change is GOOD, Baby! Make some, for yourself AND your daughter.
BIG HUGS, from a now~ Grandma who's been there!

Hi Leanne - Let me start by sharing our solution to a similar problem (however, it was my family and ME that didn't want to go! And we're all local...)

We have created a tradition that we now give our church all the money that we would have spent on gifts (over $1,000) and then we go on vacation! Ooops - we're away... Can't attend. We'll miss you! :-)

Since many of us take an annual vacation, we just take ours then and stay home over other school vacations. Problem solved.

Beyond that however, this goes well beyond holidays.

I think the crux of the problem is was simply stated in that you have made reasonable requests of these people and they have ignored them. And they don't treat you with respect. To my mind, that is the reason to stay away...

Relative to the Holidays - if you celebrate Christmas for religious reasons (you didn't say...), and these people do not - and, in fact, disrespet and denounce your faith, again, I say stay away.

I wonder what it teaches your child as she watches the way you are treated by these people?

Remember this - we teach our children who to be by who we are in the world. PERIOD. So the family that you associate with be a big infulence in who she becomes and how she relates.

So - I totally agree with you and urge you to find another time to see them... It could be as simple as Christmase Eve or sometime during Christmas week.

Please don't ever let anyone compromise your standard - or your child will too! See them at other times - and as Dr. Joy Brown says, be cheerful and stupid. Just don't "get in to it" with them. Smile. And keep quiet. Then leave when you're done.

This will also teach your child tolerance. There are all kinds of people in the world - and how blessed you are to have some of the worst in your own family! (See how God works? He has given you this wonderful provision as a teaching tool for your child. Perfect.)

And not to get into the obvious, but let's not dwell on the safety factor with a "strange" - i.e. new - very small child around the dog that doesn't sound like it's very well trained (treating a dog like a human - and not a dog - is bad training).

If you dwell on this, then they will expect things to change as the child grows up. It's not about the dog.

It's about who they choose to be and who you choose to be. So stand strong in your convictions, but practice and teach tolerance all the while.

Your child will be better for it. (And if it comes down to it, send your husband. Really. Don't make Christmas Day a breaking issue. When you think about it, it's not such a BIG deal - so don't make it one.)

See if you can find Charles Swindoll's quote about Attitude. If you can't find it, let me know and I'll send it to you. It says it all....

Good luck. Be well. You already are blessed!

First of all, I would suggest doing as I did. We agreed on swapping certain holidays. The rest are done at my house and my way if it can't be swapped. If they choose not to come, it's thier choice. Honestly though, your husband NEEDS to stand behind you and support you. I am wondering why they don't respect you. My hubby goes and tells them his side of stories which are very one sided but it has taken us 5 years for me to understand this and his Mom to figure it (half) out. Sense his family isn't religious and denounces God, does he? I would make it very clear that your feelings are different and they ned to respect that and how you want to raise your family and if they can't, personally I wouldn't go. Taking a stand for your faith is what we are called to do. I respect my sister in laws beliefs and she respects ours and when we're in the others house, we know how it goes. I don't shove anything down her throat and she doesn't deny my faith out loud. When hlidays our at my house, we do what we do but not overdoing anything to make her uncomfortable. Understand? The most important thing is to get your husband behind you 100%. Don't place blame anywhere or that will just cause a fight, which is NOT what you want to get him behind you.
I hope this helps.

I never had this problem because all the grandparents live in the same town as us. So we end up "doing the tree" 3 times. It's just too much for the kids, and us. So, what we do is maybe at my parents' house we'll do the tree on Christmas Eve. Then Christmas morning is at our own house, and then Christmas late afternoon/early evening is at the inlaws'. This gives the kids a little "down" time in between.
I think you might have to grin and bear it this year. Do they have one person play "Santa" and hand out the gifts? Maybe that person could be you, it would give you something to focus on other than thinking how nuts they all are! You could have your child sit right next to you, next to the tree, and you hand out the gifts, one to each person. Everyone has to wait until each person has one gift in their hand. Then you all open the gifts together, and show everyone before going on to the next gift for each person. This way, your daughter is right next to you where you can watch her open the presents. She's probably more interested in playing with the boxes this year! Good luck.

My husband has a Very LARGE extended family, his parents are divorced, neither one of them live in the area, and my family is spread around the country. To make everyone happy we split it up like this: Christmas Eve is his father's side of the family; Christmas Day, depending on scheduling, his mother's side; if that doesn't work out we schedule a day after Christmas (Like the following Saturday or Sunday.) And have Christmas at home with just us and other friends and more family. My sister-in-law has her own rule. Christmas Day they DO NOT travel anywhere. They spend it at home, family and friends are more than welcome to come over, but they stay home. Make one of those suggestions to your hubby. By staying home you could start making your own Traditions!!!

Hi L.,

I hate to say it, but I think you need to spend Christmas with your husbands family. It is only fair to him that he sees his family on the holidays. It might be chaotic and crazy for you, but it may be tradition for him. The present opening sounds like how my husbands family does it. Not the same as I am used to, but that is how they have always done it. As far as the dog situation goes, my husband and I are not dog people. That being said, my brother and his wife are and they do not have kids. They treat that dog like royalty. Dogs are members of people's families and they love them as dearly as we love our kids. Again, I don't get it, but that is just my opinion. If they do not respect your wishes and bring the dog to your house you cannot take it out on the dog and expect it to stay in the car. I don't think letting it in the yard is a big deal. Families can be difficult for all dofferent reasons. In a perfect world we would all get along. Just try and keep Christmas to every other year, at least then you get to have it with your family too. Good luck.

L.
I don't mean to sound insensitive,but after reading your letter my first thought is "what does your great husband say or do about this"?
Although your daughter is young,ask yourself.If she was in a relationship with that situation what would you advise her to do.
Remember she will think,whatever you do is acceptable behavior and tolerance.
She will pick up your emotions and vibe in that house so keep that in mind.
Best of Luck in your decision making,but it sounds like you and your husband have some things to figure out together or apart.Figure out what your dealbreakers are.
Roni707

Just to add a little more to what Nicole has said.. it does indeed take a very long time if you open one at a time, but something families have done that I have spent time with is have the children go first, then they can use/play with one of the items they have received while the adults are opening theirs.
It is a stressful situation for you to feel that you have to choose, regardless, but since there is compromise needed in a marriage, it seems that this is the way it will need to be. I agree that maybe your husband could speak up and mention how uncomfortable it is when the denouncing is done, especially in front of your child. Though this should not be mentioned only at Christmas, but beforehand as well.
Good luck & God Bless

Why not just stay at your own home for Christmas? That way you're in control of the situation and can just tell both of your families that they'll need to come to you.

I could go either way with the present thing. My family was always one to just rip into everything and my husband's family opens one at a time. They both have their pros and cons. It takes a REALLY long time when everyone goes individually. If you don't really want to be there in the first place, you don't want to stretch anything out. Can you suggest doing Christmas eve with his family and Christmas Day with yours? Christmas eve would be short and sweet.

Hi L.,
Sorry to hear about your in-laws. I know that the holidays can be a stressful time. When my first son was little we were still traveling to my in-laws for Christmas. I finally put a stop to that when he was around 2. It was too much hassle to travel with a young one and I wanted to have Christmas day just for us. Now we have 3 kids and we still spend Christmas day as a family. We hang out in our pjs, take our time opening presents and have a real simple favorite meal instead of the full blown "holiday dinner" that they never eat anyway. My Mom lives nearby and comes up in the afternoon to give the kids their gifts. Then we spend the weekend before or after with my in-laws. Sometimes we host, sometimes it's at their house or my brother-in-laws house. We have someone play Santa so it's not a free for all. Even at home we have the kids take their time so we can see their reaction. So my suggestion is to start your own family tradition of having at least Christmas morning for just your family.

Here's an unrelated Christmas hint. With 3 kids it is very time consuming to wrap and tag everything. A few years back I started buying 3 very different jumbo rolls of wrapping paper that I hide away. This became the "Santa" wrap. I wrap each child's gifts from Santa in one of those papers. For example Child A gets only wrap A. I don't wrap their "big" gift from Santa but put a tag made out of their wrapping paper on it with a note saying all the gifts in this wrapping paper are to you from Santa. That way each child knows exactly which gifts are theirs even if they can't read. We have other wrapping paper that we use for relatives or gifts from Dad and I. It also helps me keep track of how many gifts each kid has so it's "fair".

Good luck with however you decide to spend your holiday. Enjoy that time you can with you daughter.

This sounds like my last Christmas! I had to suffer through it and spent a great deal of Christmas day in a foul mood, but was able to vent to my husband. They had a cat that he was horribly allergic to (they let it sleep on his pillow during the days) and we almost left, but we spoke up and they changed all the bedding for him and tried to keep the cat out (not successfully). Also, they never made Christmas breakfast (big deal for me), so I ended up making toast for all the kids (all I could find). We were all STARVING by the time the fancy dinner was ready at 3:00. Anyway, Christmas morning was equally chaotic as it will be for 6 kids, but I kept saying to myself that we can go back to our traditions next year. Also before we went to visit them we had our own Christmas at home where we opened our gifts from my side of the family and treated it just like Christmas day. I was able to get some of our traditions worked in (we brought The Night Before Christmas and reindeer food for the lawn for Christmas Eve) and the rest of the family enjoyed doing something different. But all I can say is that I know I will have to have more Christmases like this in the future because they are family too, but I will always make sure we do our own thing beforehand. Good luck!

I think you really need to discuss all of this with your husband. I assume that he currently wishes to spend Christmas with his family or at least alternate? Have you shared your concerns/feeling, etc. with him as to why you do not wish to do so? It is important that you both are on the same page with communicating and understanding your decision to both of your families. You might not agree, but this should not be an issue that pulls the two of you apart. It sounds like potentially he needs to address his family with their treatment of you and your daughter... It is not unreasonable for him to want to spend some Christmases with his family though. I am married to a wonderful man with our families living on opposite coasts. For years, we literally would fly overnight from CA to MA every Chsitmas Eve so that we could spend Christmas with both sides of the family. This became too hard/tiring/expensive - esp. with kids. Now we try to alternate. His family is not religious, while mine is, but they are nice and I enjoy their company so it is not as difficult as your situation in that regard. Anyway, I think keeping the marital harmony is more important than the extended family you spend Christmas with - if you cannot agree on a solution or you are not willing to work together on it, I would consider staying home and inviting family to join you instead....

Family Christmas is such an awkward time..I have always been told by my husbands parents what i am doing that day...like i told the other gals on a post yesterday..its a no-win situation sometimes

So you have Christmas at your home that morning...you have lunch with your relatives during the day and you have dessert with your husbands parents and relatives..its a long tire-ing day...Or like we do now!!!! my family gets together christmas eve for a big bash at my brothers home, its a one hour plus drive but we do it every year...christmas morning is my family's time with my kids and then off to the outlaws for an afternoon dinner and then back home or to another relatives home for dessert...
You have to lay the foundation for your time now..its important that the kid's have time with there cousins and you have to learn to "not engage" and be as gracious as possible...Hey i have been playing the game for 20yrs now

I do have 1 question for you though???were your husbands relatives this rude to you before you got married???...

So good luck to you