Explosive Child--Meds?

I completely disagree with the first part of Wickerparkgirl's post (while somewhat agreeing with the rest of her post). My daughter is similar (explosions/sensory issues, but not ADHD as far as we know). Talking to multiple therapists and psychologists, it is not at all uncommon for kiddos to be able to (barely) hold it together at school or daycare but then have no energy left to be able to hold it together at home. This is probably more common than not.

It seems clear you have no idea how frustrating having ADHD without meds is. My god it probably takes every bit of her power to make it through school let alone at home. :(

Sorry but what is really odd about your position is the meds for anger have huge side effects where the meds for ADHD don't. Why not tackle the easy one first and then see if any temper remains.

My daughter has Sensory Processing Disorder. She is not on meds. She is in the 6th grade. She didn't want anyone to know (and still doesn't) that she is "different." Therefore, she would be able to hold everything inside to project to everyone that she was fine, everything was fine--and then she would come home every day and literally unload on us. Every little thing that had bothered her that day, every little anxiety or upset she'd felt, we would hear about. Crying, shouting, running away and hiding, pouting, tantrums--you name it, we've been through it. Not having any friends, no one wants to play with me... you get the idea. Like you, I too became emotionally exhausted from dealing with my daughter and her issues. I had to learn to shield myself from her and not let her "toxic" emotions affect me. It's her battle; not mine. Since I've learned how to shield myself, her issues and problems don't bother me much anymore.

The good news: it does get better. Trust me. If you continue to get your daughter the help she needs to learn how to cope with what she finds overwhelming, life will keep getting better.

We had our daughter see a Childhood Specialist (CS) from age 5 to 11; right now, she doesn't see anyone because our health insurance changed. I haven't bothered finding anyone new in our new network because she hasn't expressed a need or a desire to see anyone new. That might change with the teenage years, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

We found an absolutely wonderful CS who prefers to work more on behavior modification than giving drugs. She was wonderful at helping my daughter find useful ideas for her to cope with situations, introduced her to keeping a journal--just for her--to write down stuff when it overwhelms her (the idea is to write it down and once it's down on paper to release it and let it go), helped mom (me) with wonderful ideas on how to help her, etc. I can't say enough about the wonderful CS we've had for the past 6 years. We've also gotten our daughter other help, like Speech and OT/PT (through the school), additional outside PT, help with weight management, etc.

I've also been watching and encouraging anything my daughter is interested in. She's been in dance class since age 4, and it's done wonders for her balance and coordination as well as working toward a goal (spring recital dance). She's not big on sports (if your daughter likes sports, that could help her run off energy/anger) but loves dance. She discovered that she likes sewing with a sewing machine this summer. She loves to read, still plays with dolls/Barbies, Monster High, Liv dolls, likes doing creative stuff. We're working on finding other interests as well.

The biggest area we work on is social/friends. My daughter really struggles in this area. It's so much better than it was in daycare, but she still has a hard time and it hurts my heart to see it. But I'm building her up to believe and love herself, to trust in herself, to rely on herself. I told her people will gravitate to you when they see that you like yourself and you have a pure heart. She has so much empathy, I wish more people had as much as she does. I'm also teaching her not to let people walk all over her too, because that is also a problem.

Find the tools your daughter needs and get her all the help you possibly can right now. It will pay off.

And for what it's worth, I DO NOT believe in pharmaceutical drugs. I believe they have the potential to create a lot more problems with their side effects than what they purport to help solve. If you are feeling overwhelmed with your daughter's anger, take her to see a naturopathic doctor and have her tested for heavy metals. My daughter tested SEVERE for heavy metal toxicology, and we chelated about 3-4 times. Getting rid of the heavy metals in her system also helped in calming her down and getting rid of the anger. We also went to an organic lifestyle when she was seven and cut gluten, cow dairy, and soy out of our diet. Dietary changes also helped enormously.

She is probably so frustrated by the ADHD that she just explodes! Get her on some meds for the ADHD, and she will surely be a happier child...

Have you read the book "The Explosive Child?" I highly recommend it. I have a child who is sensory and has this temperment. DH and I don't believe in medicating problem behaviors (no offense to those of you who do). 99% of the time my DD is sweet and easy going. But she has a few triggers (teasing or competition with her older sister, time pressured, hunger, uncomfortable clothing, daily routine change) We have learned to recognize her triggers and change our approach with her. Thankfully, her explosive moods so far happen only at home, not at school. When she is in her full on anger mode there is no punishment bad enough and no reward big enough for her to stop and decide she has to control herself (believe me we've tried all the rewards/threats, found her currency, 123 Magic only made her angrier and NEVER worked). Each time it happens we make it an opportunity to figure out the initial trigger and work on eliminating or managing it differently the next time. I think the key is to prevent her from reaching that irrational explosion point. It seems like the meltdowns can become habit reaction until we break the cycle for a good long time. And when she does have one of those out of control tantrums, it's helped us to remain as calm as we can, though it is so hard not to respond in anger. I've had to hold down a kicking, hitting, spitting, flailing child and keep calmly repeating I'm going to have to restrain you from hurting me (or sister or things) until you can control yourself. Eventually, she runs out of steam and is very remorseful. Often she truly can't even remember conversation from when she was having a fit, so it is NO use threatening consequences, explaining, or using logic at that point. She's blocking it all out. Commiserating or empathy statements over and over again are good. I consider it a success when she leaves the room even if she storms off, is crying or screaming because she is taking positive action to remove herself from the situation without being destructive, and eventually will tire or distract herself into calming down. Authoritative, nip-it-in-the-bud attitude from me or DH = not good results, just makes it worse. We do a follow up talk the next day. When she is totally calm only, we can talk about it. My DD started this about age 6, and she is 9 now. She still has ups and downs, but it is much, much better. We feel like we know so much more about how to parent her than when we started this journey. What we do know is that she is just wired a little differently. The approach that worked so well with my older DD and probably most kids was just NOT going to work no matter what with my youngest. I just wanted to share with you that I feel we've been successful without the medication route, and I wish you good luck finding what works best for you and your DD.

Have you read Dr. Daniel Amen's book HEALING ADD? You should. I'm in the middle of it now and he has identified 6 types of ADD. One is very angry/explosive. And it needs a certain approach. I haven't read that chapter though, because it doesn't affect our situation.

Is homeschooling an option???? There might be an active homeschooling community in your area. I have a friend with a 12 yr old (gifted, but very moody) and an 8 yr old (also very bright). Her oldest is not on meds, but I think the homeschooling helps them a lot. Far less meltdowns.

At school she has to deal with 20+ kids every day and constant irritations and that's so hard for someone with sensory issues.

My friend wrote this book about ADHD and her struggle with it. I suggest seeing if your local library can get it for you so you can read it and see if it is helpful to you in your adventure.

As for the rest...I feel your pain. Our Pre-k grandchild is a raging 5 yr. old. He flips furniture, throws chairs, toys, kicks, hits, bites, punches, head butts (So I am now missing some teeth), etc...he is not officially diagnosed so he cannot get meds.

You MUST find a licensed Psychologist who will do testing on your child for all these behaviors. If you get a diagnosis that requires medication then it is pretty easy to find a doc who will write the prescriptions after that. But you have to make sure to get a qualified psychologist to test him and give a diagnosis, he has to be a specialist that is officially qualified to give diagnosis.

We have a Psychiatrist all lined up, ready to take my grandson as a patient the moment he gets diagnosed but we cannot find a single psychologist that does this type of evaluations to take our grandson and do the evaluations.

Crazy people!!! I just need to stop bleeding and having goose eggs when I tell this 5 yr. old he has to start getting ready for bed, or he needs to come in from outside, I am tired of swatting him hiney, or time out, of grounding him, etc...I am at the point where I think only meds will help, either him or me, one of us needs to be on meds so the household can survive.

I would check out Interactive Metronome if you're wanting to avoid medicines. My mom works with it and has had great success with these types of kids. I remember one who had such an explosive temper he was kicked off his hockey team because he was too dangerous for the other players. He no longer has temper issues. He does perfectly fine in school, and has brought up his grade. I feel okay sharing this because the family went on TV at one point to discuss the work my mom does, so this isn't private. This is their testimony. Anyway, IM has done amazing stuff for my kids, too. My anger management child is just having his 3rd session tonight, and he's going to need at least 3 rounds of 10 sessions each, so I can't speak to the management stuff myself. If you have any questions, message me. I can send you my mom's info, too, if you want. GL!

Hi--
Are you open to alternative solutions? I can recommend a great doc in Denver who has had huge success in dealing with this type of behavior in a natural way versus using medication. It's too complicated to get into in this post if you are not interested in trying, but if you are interested please let me know and I'll get you all the specifics.
J.

If you decide to go with meds see if you can find a therapist that will help both of you so she can learn anger management skills and skills to manage the ADHD and not have to stay on meds long term. I can definitely see where is must be exhausting for you as a parent--I have a high energy almost 6 year old, though not ADHD. One thing that helps him is having something physical he can do to blow off steam--in our house a mini trampoline works well. Also I have see at some residential programs posters with a list of anger management techniques (ask your daughter ad the therapist for ideas and leave room to add stuff). You could do this with a marker and a big piece of paper. Even if your daughter isn't reading much yet having it in sight so you and she can be reminded when she is getting frustrated may help. Even if it takes her a while to learn the things on the list you will have it down fast because you see it all the time.

my general answer to the "should we medicate?" question usually centers around consistency.

If she can control herself in 'certain' situations and not in others then either she is 'choosing' to control her behavior at school and not with you OR school is 'managing' her more effectively and so there are no meltdowns.

Why are you not interested in medicating the ADHD but are ok to medicate her "moods". Has she been diagnosed with a "mood" disorder? It sounds from your post that you are interested in managing the symptoms.... but not the cause. That's a bit like declaring victory because you won the battle, but knowing you will be obliterated in the war. It's pointless to medicate her "moods" unless she has a mood disorder that ALSO requires medication IN ADDITION to the ADHD.

That being said, there are PLENTY of non-medication options for virtually ANY disorder. You can regulate diet, you can alter how you manage her behavior and how you give her direction as well as how you handle her temperment. These options are usually MUCH more labor-intensive for the parent, so get ready to do your fair share of the 'work'. I would start with a behavior therapist who specializes in pediatric ADHD and go from there.

Good luck