Explaining to a 2 1/2 Year Old What "WHY" Is

Maybe you could ask some questions that 'why' is meant to answer... like - what were you trying to do? - were you trying to ____? - did you like the way it felt? - things like that. You can then tell her 'why' you don't want her to do it - see how it makes a mess that mommy has to clean up? - Communicating in concrete terms - cause and effect.

The abstract concept of why is probably not something she can grasp, but if you ask specific questions - maybe sometimes guessing what she might have been thinking - she might be able to give you some more specific answers.

Just because it is common for a 2 y/o to ask "Why?" does not mean it is normal for them to be able to answer a "Why..." question. In fact, it rarely helps to ask anyone, "Why...?" Even most adults can only guess at an answer to that question. It requires well developed logic faculties in order to contemplate 'why'. Such logic functions in the brain do not really begin to engage until about age 3.

According to my understanding, when a 2 y/o asks "Why?" it is not because they are seeking to understand a reason for something. Rather, it is because they have learned that this will prompt someone to speak in more complete sentences. At 2 their interest is in learning syntax (language structure). That is 'why' a 2 y/o will often repeat the "Why?" over and over when given a one word answer. They want to hear sentences. I would consider it perfectly normal for a 2 y/o to answer the question "Why?" with "By myself." That is adorable! If you ask an 8 y/o "Why...?" they are most likely to respond, "I don't know." A 2 y/o is often praised for doing something 'all by myself'. They will often try to give the answer they hope will evoke the most positive response. Whenever she answers, "By myself," you can respond, "That is 'how' you did it. What I want to know is what you were you trying to do."

In order to get a more reasonable response, especially from a 2 y/o, try asking "What...?" questions. For example, "What did you want to happen (when you did that)?" or "What were you thinking about (when you did that)?" Your daughter is far more likely to be able to answer that type of question.

We often feel driven, as mothers, to explain everthing to our children. Life is just a series of experiments. Everything a 2 y/o does is an experiment to see what will happen and they are eager to learn how to do it better next time. If you keep that in mind, it will be easier to help the child learn to reflect on the outcome of their experiments and maintain a healthy curiosity for improving their procedures. One thing I have learned from being a mother and working with many children is that the best teacher does not give the best answers. They just ask better questions and help their young students discover their own answers.

By the way, the average 4 y/o asks "Why?" 435 times a day. At 4, they really want to know why. They want to understand how things work and what the rules are.

I had a teacher in one of my Early Childhood grad-school classes talk about how we should just eliminate the word "why" from our vocabulary all together, not just with children.

If you think about it, when you are not allowed to use the word "why" you are forced to ask a much deeper question. Instead of asking, "Why did you do that" and getting a one-word answer, ask, "Can you tell me what happened?" or for older kids, "Tell me what happened that made you so angry" or "Explain the situation to me."

At daycare with the older preschool ages, I often see kids hurting or bothering each other. Instead of just saying "why did you do that?" (which usually gets the response "because."), I try to ask, "What were you thinking about that made you want to do that?"

Any question other than "Why?" will get a much deeper response. Try it with your husband, co-workers, etc. Ask age appropriate questions with your kids-- "What happened?" "Tell me about it." "What are you thinking about right now?" "What made you upset?"

It may take some getting used to, but I have started doing this ever since that class and it makes a difference.

Best wishes! C. G.

At this age, a lot of times they do not understand open ended questions. Asking her "why did you do that" is too broad. You need to ask her questions that are more yes and no questions. Ie "Did you do this because you were mad?" Sometimes it is a guessing game but you have to remember that she is still learning what emotions are and how to control them. It will get better.

When I ask my 3 y/o "why" he says, "yeah." He doesn't get it, but I just move on. I can't seem to explain it to him, other than giving him examples of why we do stuff as we come to them. Using "because" sometimes helps. I think the long response you got just before mine is really helpful!

Be up front with the explanation. "i want to know why not who." then keep the explanation simple and give examples. She will eventually get the idea. But if you make a big deal out of it, she will probably do it just to get your attention.

Give the little darling a break - she's not developed enough to understand what you want - with children her age you have to be very concrete and use simple words they understand...she's giving you the best answer she can - wait until she's older - and listen (later when she's older) to the advice of some of the others - "why" is not the best question to ask to get the kind of answer that you would be satisfied with or that would help her understand her behavior.

grandma of a 3 year old who answers "tomorrow"

Hi L. instead of asking 'why' maybe 'what are you doing would be a better question. Yes she does understand what you are saying. She is expressing her independence by saying by myself. I think that she is just amazed at what she can accomplish on her own. BTW how does one become a travel agent for vacation properties? Is there a test you can take or training. I am interested because I will retiring next June (2009) and would like to line you something before I retire. Thank you for any assistance you can give me. I hated the "WHY" stage when my kids were young.

L....I wish I had some fabulous advice for you, I am sure the other moms won't let you down, but I did have to point out that mostly a 2 and a half year old does not know why she does what she does...so asking her "Kylie why did you do that? " isn't going to get you a very honest response, in fact I think her response is fabulous ; ) a better approach is "Kylie, I don't like it when you ...insert what she did here...Because ...insert consequence here...Goog luck! It is a fun age though = ) I am looking forward to it for the third go round here very soon ( it goes by so fast)
B.

Kids are incredible listeners even when we think they are not paying attention. Have some out loud conversations with her. For example - As you are doing something like maybe rushing around to leave say "Do you know why we are moving so fast - we are late - that's why we have to hurry". She may also need help with feeling words. Look for books you can read her about feelings - there is a really cute one called "How are you Peeling" - it uses food to explain feelings. Good luck.

i agree with betsy! forget about "why" - once she learns it, like daycare said, you'll get REALLY sick of hearing it. so just forget about the whys right now, she doesn't know why. if it's really bugging you, assume she did it because A. she wanted to see what would happen, B. she forgot the rules for a moment (their attention spans are SO short), or C. she wanted some attention. but it doesn't really matter why. good luck! (mine is 26 months so i am right there with you!)

Good Morning L.. My kids weren't into the 'why' either until they were older around 4 yrs old. It's ok if your child isn't asking the why!!

She may be answering your question. At 2 they want to do things by themselves and dont ask permission because they dont want to be told no. They dont ask for help because they dont want help, they want to do it by themselves. Her answer to why she did something makes sense to me. She did it because she wanted to do it and she wanted to do it by herself. That is just my 2 cents, but it is worth some thought.