Exhausted Mom Needs Advice

Go to your doctor - alone!! Yes, you're going to be a tired mommy with kids your age, but I found out the hard way after my third daughter that I shouldn't have been feeling as bad as I was.

I thought I had postpartum depression! I was so run down, emotions were out of whack - I cried about such silly things! I realized that I didn't want to go do anything with my kids whereas I usually take them out to the store, down to the sound, or to the library, etc.

So after my sister and close friend said, yes, they thought I hadn't been myself also I went to my doctor and found out that my Ferritin levels (stores of iron) were virtually non-existent, and my Thyroid had completely stopped functioning!! After 4 days on thyroid medication and 4 Ferrasorb pills a day, I was already feeling like myself again!

Now, you might not have such a dramatic story, but if there is something physically wrong, you don't want to ignore it because it will wear out the other organs that are trying to compensate for what's not working, and because it leads to emotional distress. Find someone who loves you and spill your guts. I didn't say anything for a long time, but when I finally told my sister and friend how I was feeling they were so helpful! They listened, sympathized with me, and helped with the kids when I needed a break for an hour or two.

Take care of yourself so that you are fit to take care of your little ones!

Mine are 2-1/2 years apart, so their nap needs were also different. Focus on getting some of their naptime to coincide. It's hard, but worth it. Enlist your olders on to help you put your younger one down for a nap, then he won't think he's the only one who has to nap. Give him some special one-on-one time with the condition that he has to nap (or rest) too. It might be only 10 minutes or reading a book, but that's his time.

I know you're tired, bur finding a playgroup for your son is a great outlet. You can meet other moms (maybe one you can trade sitting time with) and he gets new friends. Play group was a godsend for me after the second came along.

Ask your husband to help at night and on the weekends. at night, he can bring the baby or, if you have a bottle available, he can take over a feeding. During his time off of work, he can take the oldest out for Daddy time so you can rest while your younger one is sleeping. Remind hubby that staying at home with two kids is a full time job and keeping up on nursing, entertaining, cleaning, changing, and overall caring for your boys is time consuming. You know he works hard at his job, but you could use help with the laundry, housecleaning, and other chores until things settle down a bit. Gradually, the rhythm will return to your home and you'll be better rested and back in charge.

Good luck!

I only have one at this point, but my sis has two about the same ages as yours. She focused on getting their nap schedules to match and then uses a breast pump to express milk so her husband can take one of the night feedings.
Good luck:)

I have a 5-month-old, 2-year-old and 3-year-old, but I get 9 or more hours of sleep at night. The trick is I go to bed shortly after they do. I get no real me time, though, but I am not tired. It's sooo much better than the tiredness from pregnancy. My husband is gone by 5:30am and home late, then in bed before the kids most nights! So I need my stamina just to get them to bed.
The baby is up 2 or 3 times a night to nurse, so I understand how tiring that is. The 2 and 3-year-old won't nap, either. The 2-year-old is very clingy, but it helps in that sometimes she plays with her older brother (though then they fight and it's worse!). The toddlers go to bed at 9pm and the baby by 10pm pr so. They all get up around 8am. As long as I go to bed when they do, I am fine. If I take them out and totally wear them out (park district play place, classes, mall, etc.) they can and will all nap at once. Then I need a nap too, tough.

AL,

I wish I could give you a huge hug, a nice nap and probably a good cry. My first two boys are only 15 months apart and we are expecting our 3rd any day (they will be 14 months apart). Some of the things that I have found that have helped me are.....

** For a week I kept a log of when the kids were sleeping, eating and waking. I began to see that there were a couple of times a day I could take a rest (even if I did not sleep). I blocked those off, turned off the phone and made them sacred (no cleaning :-). When my eldest would sleep, I would put the youngest on the floor with toys and activities, grab my pillow and blanket and lay there on the floor.

** We (my husband and I) worked really hard to make sure that I got a quick nap every day when he gets home from work (around 5:30). My 14 month old still does not sleep through the night. Even though I weaned him, he is just a child that needs lots of holding and snuggling.

**Consistent bed time. I have been going to bed at 8:00 this whole year. My boys go to be at 7:00. When they were little the youngest would not wake for his first feeding till between 11 - 12. I pumped that first feeding and my husband would give it to him in a bottle. That meant that I was sleeping from 8 - 3 (the second feeding). It really helped.

**Lastly was to let go of expectations, ask for help and relax. I am a perfectionist and very independent by nature. I always want to be "super mom". I realized with two little men (and soon to be three), it is about enjoying the little things everyday. When friends ask if they can do something, say "Well actually if you would love to come over and play with my 2 year old so I could rest for an hour I would really appreciate it." A true friend will be over the next day :-)! (Then don't feel guilty!) My husband and I do much more of our chores on the weekends and in a couple of hours we can clean the whole house and laundry. I also plan my meals and shop for the week on Saturday night. That frees up my week days to focus on the little ones.

Sorry that this is so long....it was a year full of learning and memories. Just know that by taking care of yourself, you are giving your little guys the best mommy you can be.

Hugs,

S.

I feel your pain. I only have one, but he was such a poor sleeper as an infant that I seriously thought I was going to lose my mind. Most nights I only got 2-3 hours of broken sleep, and he took such short naps that I could never get to sleep before he woke up.

My only piece of advice to you is to ask your husband to take the kids for 30 minutes when he gets home, and try to get in a power nap. Sometimes I'm still hit with the midafternoon drowsies around 5, and if I can snooze on the couch for 20 minutes it makes all the difference.

Good luck...you have my complete sympathy.

My two are 21 months apart (4 and 2 now) so I know how you feel! It should start getting easier. Getting the naps to match up is the best thing that helped me. Also my husband would help after work by bringing one of the children out whenever he had errands to run, or by helping to shush baby to sleep once she was done nursing in the night. For the 2 year old a good schedule might help reduce the fuss that can happen with toddlers. If he knows that he'll get some one-on-one mom time every day then he might be less clingy for those times you have to do other things. For baby, I had an excellent baby carrier that I used everyday when she needed me constantly but I still needed to cook, and move about the house. I kept a playpen in the living room for those times when the two-year old need to be safe (if I had to go to another floor in the house or something) and discovered that sometimes it calmed his neediness and let him focus on quiet play by himself. Try to rotate the 2-year-old's toys so he doesn't get bored of them all at once. We've made an adventure of going down to the basement to choose a new toy! (and switch laundry). The reality is that it really is incredibly hard - BUT it will only get easier from here. Lower your cleaning standards, try to cook in bulk so leftovers can be another dinner, don't be afraid to call on relatives/friends for much needed babysitting relief, get your husband to help more. Somehow it'll work.

I think I cried more when my kids were that age than any other time in my life...and mostly it was out of frustration and sleep depravation. It gets so much easier once the baby starts sleeping through the night. I think I would try to put him on as much of a schedule as possible to at least get his feedings down to one or two times a night. If the baby is in your bed, I would suggest a bassinet or something so you have a more restful night's sleep and less BF on demand. I had both my kids on an eat, activity, sleep schedule during the day and then they didn't associate milk with sleep as much at night and could partially soothe themselves back to sleep. Really, you are just in the thick of things and need to rely on help as much as possible. A neighbor, a friend, your husband, call on someone to take over a few times a week so you can either nap or do your own thing. People LOVE to watch little children and love to help. Childcare swapping with another mom might be a good option for you too. I swapped with a couple of friends when my kids were that age and it was great. Now my kids are 6 and 4 and play by themselves often and go to neighborhood play dates (without Mom). There is time for you right around the corner. Good luck!

Honey, I've been there. I have two boys, 23 months apart, and I can now say that the first year with both of them was pure maddness. I had many mental breakdowns. Treat yourself to a babysitter! It's the only way I stayed mentally afloat. Just 4 hours a week was enough to keep me off ledges. I also deactivated my brain as best I could while watching my boys, telling myself over and over again, "This is the hardest part." Now that my youngest is almost 15 months, I look back and think it truly was the hardest part. You're in the thick of it. Hang on until that baby starts crawling and your 2 yo will be more entertained by him.
I wish you the best.

First, my kids were the same spacing. My daughter wanted to go to bed at 5pm and wake at 5am. My son wanted to go to bed a 10pm and wake at 10 am.

My mom said, put them on the same schedule. Wise mom! Do it gradually but do it.

Take a nap, or go to bed early when your husband is home or on weekends.

Those are the best things you can do.

Hi A L, I am also a full time SAHM. I have a 12 yr. old step son that has lived with us for the past 2 years now. I have a 4 yr old boy and a 1 month old boy. My infant wakes up maybe 2 times every night, but I know longer BF. I don't have the patience to do it this time. With my 4 year old however I BF him for 8 months, but there were no other kids at home either. What time do you wake up in the morning? Most mornings I have to be awake at 7am to get my step son up and going and ready for school. My hubby works graveyards, so he comes home around then, but not always. My step son walks back n forth to school, luckily we don't live that far away. Sometimes I wish my 4 year old would take regular naps. Only time he crashes is when he really exhausted, and the earliest he takes a nap is of course around dinner time 5-6pm. I do have that rare occasion that my boys will take naps together, but then my step son is home and awake. If my hubby is awake then I have the opportunity to close my eyes until one of my sons wakes up, lol. My 4 yr old sounds like your 2 yr old, he is constantly up my butt, and doesn't want to play by himself either. I try to give my baby one on one attention sometimes, but of course my 4 yr old has to be either in his face, or on my lap, climbing all over me. So my hubby usually works 11pm-7am. Well the other night he came home around 1am. I went to sleep around 12:30am, he woke me when he came in, and the baby started fussing. Well he told me to sleep the rest of the night, because I too was exhausted. Well great, right? Wrong! The next day my step son started WWIII, you have to understand we are constantly butting heads. Well it came to him blaming me for everything, and with that my hubby went and packed all of his things, and told him he was going to go live with his unfit mother. Well after while things calmed down, and that was early afternoon. Well then my hubby went and laid down, and usually he will get up, when he is off that night. But he slept all afternoon, and all night also. So when I got upset when he opened his eyes a few minutes before I was going to go to bed, saying that I slept all night, so it was ok for him to sleep all day, and I should be up with the baby all night. Point is I feel for you exhausted. To me its reality! I hope things get better for you though. Let me know. Sorry for the ramble. T.

I know that I'm a bit late to the responses, but I don't have time to read these every day anymore. I know that there are lots of moms out there who would not agree with me, but the only thing that ever worked for me on the sleep front was CIO. Once my kids would learn how to get themselves to sleep at first, they also were able to get themselves back to sleep at night without breastfeeding. With my second child, it took until he was 11 months old and I could not focus long enough to carry on a conversation due to being so exhausted. I felt like a shell of a person. I only waited until 5 months with my third, and I am so glad that I did it when I did. These two are only 17 months apart, so I understand where you are coming from. I didn't put them on the same nap schedule until my youngest was closer to one, but I did have them on the same nighttime schedule. We always read stories all together, brush teeth, lullabye, then bed. Cry it out has only ever taken my kids 2 or 3 nights of crying longer than half an hour before they got the hang of getting themselves to sleep. I think it is easier younger, I think 5 months is perfect. I let them cry at first for 5 minutes, then go in and rub them, say some soothing words, and night-night. Then wait 10 minutes and go in, then 15. I never went longer than 15 minutes. With my daughter it took me giving her my shirt (which is still her blankie). Once I did that she was asleep within 5 minutes - she just wanted something that smelled like mommy. I highly discourage co-sleeping. Every week it seems that I read somewhere on this site someone trying to break the co-sleeping with their child. It seems like people would understand after awhile that the kids get a bit too dependent when sleeping in the same bed with mom & dad. And, if the baby's in the bed, where is any chance of romance? This is just my opinion of course, I know that there are lots of them out there. Good luck, being tired is a terrible way to live.

Welcome to MOTHERHOOD.
It doesn't last forever..... just about 18 yrs.....!!!!!!

If you need a break, get you a mother's day out or a babysitter for them both a few hours a day a few days a week.

oh boy....these responses really scared me..I'm due in 6 weeks with number 2...and my son will just be turning 2 years old at the same time.

I hope you are doing ok. Let us all know some tips and tricks you are doing.

=)

Trade off in the afternoon with another Mom you like and trust so your two year old is gone a few days a week and you can nap. Or when your husband gets home from work give him the children after dinner a few nights a week and go to sleep early. When the baby wakes it won't be so hard on you.
There are two parents. That's the trick we women play on ourselves thinking the whole job is ours.
Don't wait until they are in school to learn that lesson as I did a bit late but better than never.

so sorry, sleep is greatly needed! How about your husband? You need a day to sleep in while he takes the baby. Are you co-sleeping? Many moms get so exhausted because their babies are sleeping in different beds (crib, etc) instead of next to them. When they are next to you during hte night, you won't both wake up fully to breastfeed during the night. I think there was a time when I just breastfed at night out even waking. It's very safe & best for everyone concerned. If you're worried at all about afety...just check out Dr. Sears guidlines for cosleeping: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T071000.asp
If you are already cosleepnig, it's time to trade off responsibilities with each other, even if he's working too. Good luck.

i wanted to second getting your thyroid and ferritin levels checked. i suffered so much and was so sleep deprived that it's hard for me to recall the first year of my second baby's life :( my MD said my levels were 'within normal' however i did NOT feel normal but she didn't listen to my concerns. i switched to a naturopath who listened to my symptoms and took those 'normal' levels with a grain of salt. (i was on the low end.) i take a very small dose of thyroid medication and take iron daily and have so much more energy. i used to be exhausted after an 8-hour night's sleep after only being up for a half an hour.

as for your reality question, it's different for everybody but it sounds about right to me. i did the same as you. i considered it 'spread out suffering' of bf'ing frequently at night versus figuring out how to wean. apparently it can be done but i just never did. hats off to those who can! bottom line is that you can work to change it if it's really not working for you. but if you have more energy to begin with, you might be able to tolerate it better. best of luck to you.

I have kids very similar ages. Check with your care provider to have your thyroid and iron levels checked. They're both relatively easy solves that can help you feel A LOT better! Also, where does your baby sleep? If you haven't tried it yet, have baby sleep with you. Our baby sleeps between my husband and I. While she wakes often to breastfeed overnight, I don't have to wake up all the way to nurse her. Have your husband help with the morning routine. If he can get kids dressed and breakfast in your toddler (or even just ready for you to give him), that will help get your day started better hopefully since you'll have a mental break while you get showered and dressed. As overwhelming as it might sound, get some exercise. Good luck to you!!

I do not know if this is something you are comfortable with, but my kids Doctor told me that a baby does not need night feedings after the first 10 days of life, so after they were close to a month I stopped breast feeding at night. They quickly learned to just go back to sleep if they woke, and were both sleeping from 8 until 530 by 6 weeks old. I never used CIO, but I would allow them to fuss for up to 5 minutes before going in to check on them. They always fell back to sleep on their own before the 5 minutes was up.

I too have a 2 year old and a 4 month old. My 4 month old was born a month prematurely so when we brought him home he never woke up to nurse, I had to set an alarm to nurse every 2 hours around the clock then most of the time he would wake up just long enough to latch but not eat at all so I would then have to pump and force feed the expressed breast milk. It seems like his infancy is lasting so much longer than my older child's did, if you know what I mean? The hard parts. While I love nursing my son, I've come to the realization that I need to take care of myself also. I believe I've actually been experiencing some post partum depression and the sleep deprivation and hormone surges from nursing on top of the inability to care for my older child because my time is consumed in the care of my 4 month old certainly hasn't helped any. Luckily my son started sleeping through the night most nights but I still haven't caught up on my sleep because i use the "extra" time to clean the perpetual disaster that is our home and take joy in spending an hour or two kid-free late at night. Like someone else mentioned already, i haven't cried this much in my life. I have decided to begin slowly weaning my son to a bottle so that my husband can help more. At this point I am planning on nursing still in the morning and before bedtime and anytime he wakes up at night but we haven't reached that point yet. I have a freezer full of expressed breast milk so even if I eventually stop nursing all-together then I can still give him some breastmilk. I know weaning to a bottle is very controversial for some people, I had a terrible time making the decision not to nurse anymore, I felt like a failure. But It has been wonderfully therapeutic to be able to get out of the house by myself when my husband can be with the kids and not worry about getting back for a feeding or having to pump the second I get home. I love my kids, but I feel I am a better mom when I can share the load of care giving with my husband.

All I can say is it will get better!!! I was in the same spot you are a few months ago and now things are calming down a bit! I now have an 8 month old and 2 1/2 year old and am finally getting some peace. The magic month for us was 7 months, once my son hit that he was a real joy! Now, he sleeps at night only waking once to nurse and my 2 year old is a little better too. I think baby is sometimes so demanding that the 2 year olds can sense a little tension/exhastion. Good luck! Just hang in there a little longer...