Ex-wife Drama

I have read every single response to this. I will weigh in as a step mother. I raised 3 children for 14 years that were not mine. I am a little amazed that you feel your husband should not have a relationship with this child. You probably didn't need to state your age...it shows. Shame on your husband for leaving her for those years in the first place. Now, if you were unaware of the child before your marriage you might have an argument. I hope that your marriage stays strong and you don't ever have to face telling your daughter why "daddy" isn't at her tea party! If he took this woman and raised that child for 3 years he IS HER FATHER. He abandoned her as surely as her mother apparently is trying to. Why do people not want to include as many loving people into their children's lives as will fit in a room? You might not ever have the good fortune to have another child and this little girl would be a wonderful sister to your daughter if you didn't treat her like a disease instead of a child. Good lord, woman. Your MIL, as you call her, is a saint and like one of the responders said, a grown woman and could stop this if she chose to. Heaven help someone who tried to take my "step grandkids" from my life. She was this child grammy for three years. Apparently she doesn't turn responsibility and love on and off as easily as your husband. Give her a big kiss from this grammy. She is the angel that is keeping this childs life together. Help her. Embrace this child as the part of your family that she always should have been. I just hope that life never takes a down turn for you and you are unable or unwilling to cope with your situation. Perhaps her mother is in need of medical care. Perhaps she is a slut and just too busy partying to care for the child. God put you there for a reason.....don't miss the opportunity to participate in this child's life in a very positive loving way. She just might be the angel to hold your family together. Tell your husband to quit being a jerk, tell yourself to quit being jealous of this child....there is plenty of love in a parent's heart for more than one child. You can love this girl and your husband needs to love both of his children!

Maybe I am misreading your post, but I sense a little bit of resentment towards the child. My advice would be to try and consider what all of this must look and feel like to the child. She did not choose to be abandon by her biological father, she did not choose to be raised by your husband, she did not choose to be abandon by her mother. The adults in her life made those decisions and she has no control. You have an opportunity to be the hero in this situation by providing the voice of reason and stability and a loving environment. Those are all things that every child deserves. Whether she is in your home or her mothers home she may be a wonderful blessing to you, your daughter, and the rest of your family.

I agree with the first two posters. HE IS HER FATHER and I wish HE would reach out to her. Is his name on her birth certificate? The truth is, every child deserves two good parents, biological or NOT. Perhaps you all could find it in your hearts to take her into your home.
You knew the situation going in, so please make peace with it. This child should not be tossed around. Someone needs to hold the mom accountable.
The MIL doesn't need to be burdened with it. But I bet it would be nice for all of you if you spent some time with her.
Edited to say: But you are COLD HEARTED! You don't want your daughter to know her as a sister... ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I agree with the stepmom who posted that your husband ought to be ashamed for walking out on the child. Of course, I know how ex-wives can be... how hateful. But I won't bore you with those details. Grow up. Families are not just BLOOD. Most of my blood is so dysfunctional I've had to stay away so I can stay sane. Be happy you are blessed and bless that little girl in return.
GOOD LUCK

I know what I'm about to say will be a BIG pain in the hiney... Whatever is going on is not the little girl's fault. An idea would be to "adopt" the 8 year old into your family, and let her know she is loved and cared for. It sounds to me like she will be suffering a lot from this. I'm so glad that she has a "grandma" to go to.

If this were to happen, your new daughter would be able to have her "sister" around. I know that it could be like opening a can of worms, but if the ex doesn't seem to want her anyway... and if you guys are able, (or maybe Grandma) someone needs to take this poor child in.

As far as the ex not wanting to be a mom... all I can say is "how sad, it really hurts to know that someone has a child, and won't love them as a child should be"

I am afraid I have to agree with Christine A., the little girl is definitely not to blame. She probably does see your husband as her daddy and that isn't something to be concerned about, since it doesn't really take anything away from you or your child. Because of the difference in their ages, it is unlikely that your daughter will consider her a sibling unless they spend a lot of time together over the years. Your MIL may also feel like she is a granddaughter too - blood or not, they must be close. It would be unwise to try to control or even critise that relationship. It did, after all, exist before you joined the family. Unless your MIL is suffering dementia or something, she is a grown woman and capable of making her own decisions about who she allows in her home. It does not sound like the ex-wife is trying to do anything to you or your husband so I am not sure what exactly your complaint is unless you just resent the fact that he had a life before he met you. I could be way off base here, but I think you are feeling a little territorial right now and are feeling threatened and may benefit from some counseling. Sure couldn't hurt.

I have a friend who was in almost the exact same position as that 8-year-old girl and is now in her twenties. If it was not for her step-father taking on the father role, she would be a giant mess today.

So, thank goodness for your mother-in-law. That little girl needs love -- particularly if her mother is so messed up. And you have the opportunity to help her get it.

I totally understand ex-wife drama. What I don't understand is what your hesitancy is to this poor little girl, who is the victim in this situation, associating with your daughter as family. I have my two "bonus" children living my me and my husband. Their mother is quite a pain, thus the reason they live with us. I have four children of my own, my husband and I have none together, but our children consider themselves brothers and sisters. We dropped the word "step" years ago. "Step" is a separator and God knows we all need more unity. My suggestion is to search yourself and determine why you don't embrace this child and welcome her into the only stable home environment she may ever know. I'm not suggesting that you and your hubby fight for custody, unless that's something you two feel strongly about, but that you two give her the love that every child deserves and needs to become a stable, well rounded member of society.

I read over many of the posting and it appears to me that the mother of this child remarried, had another child and it wanting to start fresh, just the three of them. But, isn't that what you are doing as well? You have your daughter and your husband and now want that prefect family with no blemishes? It seems like this little girl does not fit into anyone's perfect picture anymore. Now, I am not saying that you are a bad person, but when one steps back and reads this, this is how one can interrpret this situation. She is an 8 year old girl who needs role models and love. She is old enough to realize that the two people who she loved most in the world and call mom and dad, barely want anything to do with her. Is there not enough love in your heart to share with this little girl? Have you not tried to have her just hang out with you and her little sister? I bet she would be a great big helper and she would love just being around you two, because you and baby mean so much to her daddy. Just realize, there is nothing in this world that you can do to eliminate, in her mind and heart, who her daddy is. She is already 8, by the time your daughter is her age, she will be getting ready to go to college. Why not try to make these last few years of her childhood count and be memorable for her? As far as grandma is concerned, I don't even know her and I love her to pieces. She is a grandma after all and doing her grandma duties. I am sure if she had a problem with daddy's daughter, she would not be allowing her to live with her most of the time. Perhaps she realizes she is a gift from God, no matter the name on the birth certificate.

Good luck!!!

Unfortunately, the situation is not yours (or really your husband's) to control. Your mother-in-law is being incredibly generous taking care of this girl even though they aren't related by blood. It must be difficult for you to accept the girl since you and your husband are trying to build a life and a family of your own. But as many of the pps have said, try to let this girl share some of your family lifestyle, since she obviously doesn't have one of her own.

I wouldn't worry about your daughter thinking that the girl is her sister. What I would worry about is whether or not your daughter picks up on any ill will you may have towards the girl. You have a chance to be a heroine to both the girl and your own daughter by showing them that blood doesn't necessarily create families.

Being on both sides of the fence myself, I can not for the life of me understand why you feel so strongly against this little girl. Before you came along, and when you husband was married to his ex, who did the little girl come to know as her father? or as her family? How cruel for anyone to think that should just go away just because they divorced. Regardless of what you say in your second paragraph about not having those feeling against the little girl, I can tell by the way you address her how you feel about her. She calls him daddy because he was for 3 or what ever years. He took on that role. His mother took on the grandma and just because his heart stopped does not mean that hers does.And for you to say you don't want your daughter growing up to think this little girl is her sister, god that sounds so cruel. There is one thing in life you will never have enough of, and that is family who cares and friends. Why can't she be part of your family? My opinion ofcourse, but get over it. Accept her. When you do, life will be so much easier.

Yes you are WRONG!!! You have to put your feelings aside and do what is in the best interest of the child. Put yourself in her shoes. Let her call your husband Daddy and let him love her. Your husband and his family may be the only love she receives.
It is no different than adoption. A child doesn't have to be blood related. Please open your heart to this adorable child and put your jealousy and selfishness aside. Good luck!

You don’t just call yourself Dad or Mom or Grandma when it is convenient. It’s a life long commitment when a child calls you Mom or Dad or Grandma or Grandpa or Aunt. Whether they are your blood or not.

I could easily be that MIL. Cut her some slack & put yourself in her shoes. She’s cherishing every minute with this child that calls her grandma. She has no legal rights so she’s holding that baby wondering if she’ll be taken away forever. She’s open to keeping that child any time she can. I’ve been there.

My ex-daughter-in-law is a sorry excuse for a mother. My son has custody of not just his daughter but also of his step-daughter. We’ve had her since she was 2-1/2 months old and my biggest fear for 6 years was that she’d get taken away from us. I knew I had legal grandparent rights to the baby but not my first grandchild. And, she’s mine just as much as the baby. I used to hold her & cry wondering how the legalities would go. I love that baby & will ALWAYS be there for her. When I held her the first time – I committed to her for life.

My son’s father was a dead beat and states away. My son (now 27) still calls his step dad that got him when he was 2-1/2 yrs old his dad. His step dad and I were only married 2 years but he had unlimited visitation even after I remarried. No legal documents required. He taught him to ride a bike, dive from the high dive at age 5, how to fish and what a father’s love was.

I think your husband should bring this little girl home and keep her as much as he legally can. Where else is she going to get a good chance in life? You need to feel blessed that you may be able to give her love that she obviously isn’t getting from her mother. I can imagine this little girl is feeling double deserted. Just as my precious granddaughter would feel if my son had deserted her too. And, he could have. Her mother sees her once every few months. This child was 5 year old before she realized that mamas do give baths & feed you. She thought only daddies did that. My son is the only shot she has in life.

Are you & your husband the only shot in life that this little girl has? How does he feel about leaving her behind? Is this a blessing that you’re turning your back on? Think about it.

hate to be the one to tell you this, but in the state of Texas your husband is what they title as a Presumed Father, he was there during her birth and child rearing. I think themist disturbing part is how not only you are quick to dismiss the child as his (which she is for the fact that he has been DADDY a she was the first person to call him that) but how could you honestly be okay being with someone who is obviously quick to dump a child he raised and is his ( even if there is NOT a blood relation) and you think that he wouldn't be capable of doing the same to you and your child? It takes nothing to be a father, but much more to be a daddy, but a true man to know what real love for a child is even if it isn't his own. What your husband did alone is enough to screw up that poor little girl and it is equally as bad for a mother to do it as well! I am thankful that your MIL hasn't allowed another's influence to sway her away from this child's life, and yes- that is their granddaughter no different had she been adopted. Sorry but it looks to me like your husband should have manned up and stepped in and be stayed there for that. Little girl, even if the mother stepped out. Again KUDOS to the in-laws! I know it is more than likely irritating to accept that your child wasn't his first time around the parent experience, but you also knew that going into it with him, I really wish you the best in a situation that doesn't have to be as tough as it is being made into.

I totally agree with Meagan. This little girl only knows your husband as her daddy. So, he is not biologically her daddy. She just needs to know that she is loved by someone.

Ex wife/step kid drama is awful in any situation - but this isn't even your step-kid! Your DH obviously did not really raise her if the two of you have been married for 5 years and the kid is 8! The child has a bio dad out there somewhere and her involvement with him is not your (or DH or grandma's) issue. You already stated that they have little if any contact. The child's mother has had plenty of time to take the child to counseling or whatever else she felt was needed. If you are not comfortable adding yourself or your daughter in any role that is your right IMO. Suggestions that you be forced through emotional pleas to take her on will never go well if you are not interested! Your post indicates that she is at your MIL's all the time - but does not state that she lives there. As a result and in contrast to the other posters I don't think this little girl really is any of your concern. Yes there is the human side. BUT it is not your responsibility. Life is too short to take on others unnecessary drama! DH needs to correct her when she calls him Daddy and refer to himself by first name (or whatever you two are happy with) IMO. Obviously the 8 year old has not been told the truth or is being manipulated. Shame on her mother to encourage her that way- but still she is her mothers responsibility and product! Still not your responsibility or MILs! If your MIL wants to continue to have a relationship with the child that is her business. You can choose to keep you and yours separate.

Based on what you added as well, Do you think you could talk with MIL? Perhaps she can let you know why she keeps allowing the situation. Perhaps you can share your view of the situation with her as well. If these things dont work I personally, would simply not allow my child to visit or speak with MIL at all while the other child is at her home. You should not have to put up with this IMO. (as unpopular as it may be)

There is my honest albeit unpopular opinion. Best Wishes!

C. I am so sorry you are having diffculty with your current situation. But if it makes you feel any better, you should see your husband as a hero! He married a woman who had a child (not by him) and is still in the childs life! I was married to my best friend of almost 15 years for four years and I have two beautful children by him. We have been separated for three years and he has not even attempted to contact his own flesh and blood. He knows our phone number and everything and hasn't tried. But then again ,when were with him all he spent all his time playing computer games and not with us. CHEERS to your hubby, give him a big hug and kiss for being such a loving man!!!!!

I know dealing with ex's is troublesome. But look at it this way. Someone has to help take care of God's children no matter how messed up situations get. Be the childs friend. It is not her fault she was dealt a mother like that. It is better to share family and make it grow, even if they are not all blood related. And to be honest if you start accepting the little girl and start doing things with her she will inform her mom, who will probly get jealous and stop doing what she is doing. Good Luck!

I would be thankful that the MIL is so welcoming to the girl when her own mother isn't. I can't see why it would hurt for your daughter to consider her a half sister. I could understand your concern if the ex-wife was expecting you or your husband to care for the girl, but that doesn't seem to be the case. If your MIL doesn't have a problem with the situation and is willing to so freely share her love with a child that isn't her biological grandchild, I don't think you have a problem. Or, if you feel this is a big problem in your life, you should be extremely thankful that this is all you have to worry about.

It's your MIL's business - not yours.

When the time comes, you'll be able to express to your daughter that she's not her real sister, but that Daddy and Grandma love her too and that is just one of the things that make your family special.

In the meantime, learn to accept the things you can not change.....

Dearest C.,
I have my own adopted-at-birth child who is now in the Air-Force and happily married to a fellow Airman. I can't count how many kids call me mom! Open your heart to this child and look beyond yourself - she didn't ask to be here. To this child - that's daddy. I hope I don't hurt your feelings when I asked you if maybe you are a little jealous of the relationship between YOUR MIL and this other woman. Yes; this woman should be a mom yet chooses to not. You be the bigger person and show her what a real mommy acts like - mature. This is, or should be, the best sister, neither being only children, your child could ask for having with a loving mommy and daddy. You have to pick your battles and if he wants to be dad; support your husband. I think you would see a better relationship between you and your MIL too. God Bless this child - every bad thing that has affected my childs psyche, literally, has come from what my ex that left before he was 2 y/o did and didn't do as he was growing up with total rejection of his step-mother. It invalidates 1/2 of the child and kills the self-esteem.

I am an older woman but I have raised ALL of my sisters kids and a lot of my son's friends. I hope you take this in the caring nature it was intended. Vocalize your feelings, all of which you are entitled, to only the closest of trusted friends and never your family, kids, or husband - it WILL come back to bite you and your child!

Awh, I am so sorry you are stressed about this,,,Open up your Mama Bear heart to this precious little girl. I think once your Motherly instincts kick in, your heart will be at peace knowing you have stepped up and into the role of compassion and love. This is your life test....accept the gift and take control of your heart and love and share it with her. Shame on her biological Mother...You can do this!!!

This is between your MIL and the Exwife. Your MIL is accepting the 5yo into her home. I know it bothers you. But is it REALLY affecting you? Or do you just want it your way all the way?

Just tell your daughter that she is not her blood sister. She will know this as long as your reinforce it to her. And if they become good friends, then so what.

I do agree with you about that mother (the ex-wife) and what she is doing to her daughter. That is just wrong on all levels. But you cannot contro the world nad your husband doesn't want any more issues! So jsut love your little family and simply say that the 5yo is not allowed at your home because if the 5 yo is at your domain then you and your husband will have to have responsibility to the Ex.

Control your domain happenings! Not other's. That is all you an do.

C. m,

I have been on the other foot. I got with my ex hubby when I already had 2 kids. When we got a divorce he had a new g/f and she made it plain and simple those where not his kids. my son knew his father but my daughter never knew hers other then my ex husband. I had to hold my daughter while she cried at night because her <who she knew as her father>daddy didnt want any thing to do with her any more. It has taken a toll on my daughter thru the years. She is now 18 and does not trust men b/c of this. She never asked for him to be her daddy he said he wanted to but then when things got bad he walked away. My personally oppionion is that you and your husband care for this child. she didnt ask for the bs in her life but she sure needs all the love she can get since her mom isnt giving it to her. Dont be one of those people that your affraid everyone is thinking you are. Be one of those people that say "Hey this child needs love and guidance" I know it will be hard for you to take that child in but someone has to be the adult here, and her mom isnt doing it. There are alot of children in this world that dont have anyone to love them. Dont let her be the next one. My question to you is did you know about the little girl callin him daddy when you meet him? If so then you should not allow what that ignorant mom of her's is doing to her to stop you from excepting her.

Princess

Dear C.:
If you change some numbers, I can totally relate because something similar happened in my life. Well, you technically have a point, and the ex-wife could 'yank' her daughter from your family for good at will. However, from the perspective of the little girl, your hubby played the only father role in her life and likely gives her a much better home at his mom's than she would have at her own mom's. Does the girl know your hubby is not her dad? If not, I would not break the news just yet, there's time for it when she's bigger.

As for your girl, you can introduce the big girl as her step-sister, which is not too far-fetched. The 'step' will give her enough information that some other blood is running in that girl's vein, and it will not lead to complications, if that girl still thinks your hubby is her dad. Either way you put it, that girl will grow up like your daughter's sister, so why would you be reluctant?

The hardest part will be, if the ex-wife ever reclaims her daughter, but I would not necessarily adopt that girl either. Tough call, perhaps you need to discuss what the mid-term future should look like. Adoption would include talking to the ex-wife, but even maintaining the status quo would be tricky whenever the parent's signature or approval is required...

As the other posters said, keep in mind the human perspective, especially through that girl's eyes. It is bad enough to have a slut mother, whether she realizes the full extent of the cheating and abandoning or not. I hope you were aware of that situation before you got married and had a baby together.

If you decide otherwise, you should set a date for cutting the ties and go on a visiting basis for that girl rather than a live-in basis.

Good luck,
W.

Hmmmm, this is difficult for me. I had to re-read it several times. I was trying to "read between the lines".

It is hard to be a step-parent (that's what you are at this point)but it's your job to TRY. Whether she is your blood, his blood or no blood - she is still a child, an 8 yr old little girl that has no one to love her other than then one person that didn't drop her on her butt when the going got tough! WTG MIL! How great is that? She knows that child is not her sons but she doesn't care!

Maybe he's "left" her b/c he know how you feel about her and doesn't want to rock the boat. Maybe you, whether you know it or not, tell him how you feel - your body language when she comes up in conversation ... the words you speak! Oh I don't know ... saying that you don't want your dd thinking HIS dd is her sister ... thats so wrong. I don't care what you said in your note! You don't want his past life interferring with YOUR life.

I find it interesting that he was her daddy for 3 years and as long as you two have been married he hasn't been .. not the year before you got married or the year after ... but exactly the length you've been married. You might look in the mirror and make sure that you haven't made it where he CANT be her daddy ... Selfish .. I'm sorry but I call it like I see it.

This little girl is being lost, left behind without anyone to love her. You and HE and her mother should be ashamed of yourselves! IMHO