Encouragement/Support

I had the same thing, only mine was a little later. One of my sisters even said, "How come you never want to hold him?" Eventually I realized it was post-partum depression. I found a great support network: http://www.mothertomothersupport.org/
They are St. Louis local and have a hotline number. They are very nice women-- I ended up as a volunteer for a couple of years after I recovered. Please contact them-- they don't just provide group and phone support. They can also hook you up with doctors and social agencies that can help. Don't wait-- it only gets worse, and I waited until I was almost suicidal to get help.

I felt exactly like you. It ended up getting better around 6wks but there were times when I really missed my old life and I still miss being fancy free at times but I KNOW it will get better. I agree with getting a sitter, even if it is just so you can put in headphones and clean the house! I never was a "baby" person but now that my daughter is almost 1 and more independant its easier to feel that connection. Also, rely on family as much as possible and if that isn't a possibility try a mom's group like "parents as teachers" or anything like that.

I don't know if I have any suggestions but I do know how you feel. I was the same way. I felt really guilty and wanted to go out, even if it was just to get fast food. Then one day she was just sitting in her bouncy chair and I looked at her and started crying...it just clicked and I realized I couldn't live without her. It does get better. What really helped was when she started smiling at me and looking at me like I was the only person in the whole world. Good luck you'll get there.

I'm sure that your doctor may be able to help. Here is another resource for dealing with emotions after having a baby. They are amazing!

http://www.kansasppd.org/

Good luck-
Dr. Alyssa

This sounds like classic postpartum depression. Having a kid turns your life completely upside down, your hormones are waaaaaaaaay out of whack and chances are, you're not getting anything like enough sleep. I remember, about 4 weeks into motherhood, giving serious consideration to running away.

Call your OB/GYN's office TODAY and tell the nurse or the MD or whomever will discuss this with you what you are feeling. They will help.

With my firstborn I felt the exact same way. Even though I longed to have children all my life, about four weeks into being a mom, I was shocked at how I felt. It was exhausting and I would get mad when I realized I couldn't just plop down on the couch and watch TV when I was tired. That wasn't on my son's schedule. I remember being really tired and really really wanting him to take a nap. I rocked him and nursed him and gave him a bottle - for two hours! He was whiny and I was so frustrated I threw his bottle against the wal and it exploded. Then I thought - what is wrong with me? Once, the thought briefly crossed my mind of putting him up for adoption! Wow. Then one day, when I was at the end of my rope, he smiled for the first time and my world opened up. He was giving something back to me. I don't think I had post partum depression - I was just overwhelmed and never realized what a 24/7 job motherhood was. The first few months are really, really hard - even with the most wonderful baby in the world. It's a HUGE adjustment. The first kid is the hardest - that one teaches you how to be a mom...the most important job in the world. Things will get easier. I had three more kids after him and it was never as difficult as the first time. What I never expected was to love my children more over time. And you will - especially when your daughter starts talking - it's a whole new level of love!

I went though the same thing with my son. I liked him, but I didn't LOVE him in the way I heard other moms talk about. And I hated being home alone with a colic-y baby. After about 3 months, we both warmed up to each other and I have a great time with my son now. In my circle of friends, the mom who warmed up to their children in the end are having stronger, healther relationships. I know that right now, that isn't that most helpful, but it will get better. If the baby blues (god, I hate that term) continue, talk to your doctor and if you need to vent, send me a PM.

Hello Wendy!

This sounds kinda like Post-Partum Depression! it will take a few weeks! and it will go away when you go the doctor for your 6 week appointment you should tell him/her how you feel they might give you some more insight!

You should try to get a sitter and go out with your husband for dinner and maybe drinks! Or get a groups of your girlfriends and have a girls night out! I remeber I was so depressed I cried and cried when I was alone I was so happy when I had visitors and I would make my husband call people and tell them to come over! It felt so much better having friends and family around than just me and my husband and baby. plus I also did not work..I lost my job when I was 17 weeks prego and my husband worked alot of hours like your husband.. and I did everything with my son..feedings, changings waking up in the middle of the night, waking up early before the sun comes up and basically getting no sleep!

Another idea, maybe you should get a sitter during the day for about an hour or 2 so you can get some stuff done for you!

sorry if I am rambling,

Good Luck! Life does change when you have a baby! but it is very rewarding..and you will feel better it just takes time!

Oh and thanks for your advice on the Bed & Breakfast I will check into that!

S.

I struggled with the same thing when I had my daughter. It was very frustrating to realize that all those shows on TV don't mention anyone feeling this way and only portray an image of the loving and adoring mother. I too had trouble being alone all day, and started to feel isolated. Definatly let friends and family know that you would like more company, which will help to lift your spirits!! It does get better!! It's hard to realize now, but she'll start to flower with a personality and interact with you more and you'll realize there are more bonding feelings brewing. About this time, I was just trying to keep my baby alive and content. Hang in there!! She'll be growing up before your eyes and make you smile and laugh.

Hi Wendy!
I went through the exact same thing. I gave birth last November, spent TONS of time alone with my son, breastfed every two hours around the clock, and didn't feel bonded to him at all for about three months. There were times I thought, "I just want to leave and go anywhere but here!" Lots of moms (and dads) don't bond with their kids from the start. My first thought when the doctor placed my son on my chest after he was born was, "He is hot. Get him off of me." It wasn't the reaction I thought I would have. No tears of joy, no hugging, no kissing of my child. Really, I just wanted a long night's rest after 26 hours in labor.

Give yourself some time. Not everyday you are going to want to be a mother. Not every moment you are going to want to take care of your kid. That is normal.

If you are feeling depressed, try talking with your ob. You can be put on an anti-depressant for a short period of time to get you over this hump. Get outside and take a walk. Call in favors from friends and family to babysit for an hour and just go browse at Wal Mart or get a haircut. Take care of yourself...it is one of the best blessings you can give your child.

In a couple of months things will even out in your body and you will be IN LOVE with your baby...I promise.

Sounds like you have post-partum depression. Please call your OB ASAP to discuss this with them. This is very common and usually responds to antidepressent medication which you may only need to take for a little while.

To be honest I have never felt this way with any of my children, but this is very common more so than you would think. I am a labor delivery\mother-baby nurse. First thing if you ever feel like you would hurt yourself or your infant then you need to seek a doctors advice. You may be experiencing postpartum depression. This is a big change for you and it sounds like because of your husbands work load you are the one mostly responsible to caring for your child. You can always take a mothers day out if you need to get away. Go shopping or find some kind of outlet(hobby). I can tell some days I feel like a horrible mother because I work 12 hour nightshifts three nights a week and sleep when I get the chance. I have all the responsibilities of taking care of three children, a husband, and a home(that is always in disarray). I hope this helps you to understand that you are not alone. Hang in there. You are still adjusting give yourself sometime Once you get a good routine going and the more she grows the better things will be. Good Luck!!! Just remember you are a good mother it just takes time to adjust to being one.

I can tell you, this happened to me. My husband and I tried to get pregnant for 3 years, finally did fertility treatments and I became pregnant with twins. I was so excited the whole pregnancy, then the boys were born and I thought I'd immediately feel this bond and huge surge of love and everything would be perfect. I was wrong.
My husband stayed home with me for a week after they were born and then he went back to work. It was winter and I couldn't get out, I was tired, lonely, and just wanted to be able to do what I wanted. I felt extremely guilty because we'd tried to have a baby for so long and now we had been blessed with 2 healthy babies and I wasn't greatful.
Everyday got better though. Don't get me wrong, it was hard, but once I started back to work, I didn't feel so isolated. I am still tired, but I think that's normal. I'll probably be tired for the next 20 years, and then when they're gone, I'll want all that back.
If you think you might have postpartum depression, talk to your doctor. He/she will be able to help you. Good luck. Just try to find some enjoyment in every day. I look back now (my boys are 17 months old) and I wish they were still tiny; it goes by so fast!

Wwhat you are feeling is completly normal, but I would talk to your doctor about Post Partum Depression. Usually these symptoms will go away on thier own and other times not. Now I am not one to throw medication down everyones throat but I struggled with this for 1 1/2 years before I finally went back to talk to my OB about it. She put me on a low dose of Zoloft and told me to get plenty of exercise. I ended up taking it for a year and was able to stop with no side affects.

You are not alone for sure... I didnt bond with my first born until about 4 months when he first smiled at me. Up until that time, I totally felt like a milk machine... day and night.
On the bright side of this... he never was attached like my second... a loving and good feeling to have a little one want me so much, but a bit suffocating at times too. LOL
I congratulate you not only on your new baby... but on the honesty you shared and reaching out to others... that is huge!
Let me know if I can do anything...
T.

Call your doc now. Do you have any family that could help give you some time out?

Give us an update.

God Bless ya,
L. B

I don't think I felt that "love" feeling for my son until he was about 3 months old. I never felt depressed, but it wasn't how I'd imagine. I breast-fed & even then, it was about the 3rd month when I really got that gooshy feeling for him.
It's VERY stressful being a mom - very selfless act. You go from "it's all about me" to having to put this baby ahead of your needs - all the time. That in itself can get you down.
Hang in there though, it gets better. When they are about 7 months... oh you can never image loving someone so much! They get their own little personality.
IT'S ALL WORTH IT!!!
I will pray for you Wendy. Take care.
J.
www.jessicagrimm.com

I was 34 and single when my daughter was born. I was living at home with my parents. (My job was one where I travelled all of the time, so I didn't really have a home of my own. A job which I loved and had to give up at the time.) But the whole experience was SO foreign to me. Alien-like. I don't know how to explain it other than that. For two weeks, we had struggles. Not real serious, but serious enough (medical). I was feeling like I was failing, things didn't seem to improve. I felt like a bad mom because I couldn't make things better.

Eventually the tide turned. But I was scared because I still didn't feel a "connection" or that I was "bonding" with her. It wasn't until she was a couple of months older where I found out that is somewhat normal. Many mothers feel that way. I'm sorry that I can't remember what I watched or read, but I tell you, someone should tell you that you may feel like that at first and that it is okay. It's the hormones, the newness of the change in your life, the post-partum, all of the expectations and being scared that you will never live up to them, the fear of the mistakes you may make in the future, you name it!

Not sure when exactly that turned around for me. Maybe a little bit when it seemed like when she was looking at me that she actually saw me or noticed when she was looking for me, or maybe when she first tried to smile, but by the time she let out her first giggle, that's when I definately felt that connection or bond. Now, I wish that I would have another child, so I can enjoy that time, now that I know what to expect.

In regards to wanting your old life back.....my daughter is 4 and there is still times when I wish I had my old life back, BUT I DON'T want to give up this one either. I can't have both and honestly, I would rather have this one. So, there you have it.

I really want to encourage you to talk to your doctor. I wish I would have. At least, I would have known that some of my feelings were normal and I wouldn't have felt like a bad mom for so long. So, at least for a sense of your own well-being, DO IT.

My hunch is you will start feeling that connection soon. You will soon start seeing the little personality coming out.

In the meantime, CONGRATULATIONS! Write down little changes in your little girl that you notice along the way, you will appreciate that you did later. Also, find ways to take some time for you. Even if it is just a quiet bath when the baby is down for a good period of time, where you can just relax. They say that is one of the best things that you can do for your baby, is take care of you, too. It puts you in a better place mentally and emotionally and that makes you a better mom.

Good luck!

Don't worry - it will happen. I felt similarly about my son and felt guilty about it until a friend told me "...one day I told my son 'I love you' and I realized I actually meant it." You've undergone a huge change in your life and sounds like you're still adjusting, but you'll do fine! As far as the isolation, if you can't find any other moms to hang out with, just get out and take walks with your daughter in her stroller. Hang in there!

Congratulations on your new baby! This is definitely a challenging time, adjusting to everything revolving around a baby, losing sleep, and dealing with your changing hormones.

I would highly suggest seeking out a parent support group, such as La Leche League if breastfeeding, Moms Club (there's one in Nixa,) or meet a mom or 2 at the local park. I was/am not a group person by nature, but I made myself go to a LLL meeting and found it to be a great source of support for many mothering issues. It seems you might be missing connection in general.

I also found that I had a hard time telling my husband or extended family what I needed (I didn't know what I needed) and once I was able to state things that they could do to help, it was better. This was a very hard time for my husband, too. It was so hard, he wanted to write an article on PPD (postpartum depression) in men. Once I could give him specific things to do to help, that helped him, as well.

If you find it's not just about adjusting, and you are having stronger negative thoughts about you or your daughter, PLEASE go see a doctor. It's not a sign of weakness to ask for professional help--it's a sign of strength. Best of luck! It WILL get better!

Good Morning Wendy, What you describe sweetheart is post partum depression. Please contact your OB or family Dr.
It happens and sometimes goes away on it's own after a few weeks. Other times medication is needed. Do you remember hearing about Brooke Shields and how she would lock herself in the bathroom and cry for hours? She didn't want to hold her child or even look at her with out feelings she might harm herself or the baby. She got help after realizing the feelings she was having were way over board.

If your baby cries alot that may be part of it as they can feel the distance even at this young age. They love being touched and cuddled, sang to, they love hearing momma's voice.
If you have family close call a sister or favorite cousin, even your mom to come help you through this.Let them know Now what you are feelings. It happens Wendy to alot of woman.

Contact your Dr. Wendy they can help you through this and you can bond with your little Angel.
I pray the very best for you and Drew, and your precious little one.

Always K.
Wife to great guy 37 yrs, Mom of two super son's, Nana of 5 wonderful gr kids.

May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God,
and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all (2Cor. 13:14)

Sounds like some postpartum. Just to make sure it is not depression. Call the Kansas Postpartum Resource Center @ ###-###-#### or 1-866-363-1300. Here is their website also:

http://www.kansasppd.org/

You are not alone. Call for support. They are wonderful. Hang in there! I've been there.

Sounds like you may have post-partum depression. Call your doctor ASAP and let them know what/how you're feeling. Don't be too hard on yourself, these things happen, but ask for help before it gets worse. Being a new mom is tough, in so many ways, but also a blessing. You're just having a hard time right now. Congratulations on being a new Mom. It will get better!

Hang in there Wendy - it gets better! I can't tell you when but it will. I remember looking at my first born and thinking "what on earth have I done and what what I thinking!?" But the hormones calm down and it gets better. Talk to your doctor about how your feeling and be completly honest with him/her. Also, see if someone can watch the baby for a morning or afternoon so you can do something (shop, sleep, shower). Getting out a little alone or with a friend will do wonders. Being on your own all day with no support will leave you feeling depressed, and dads, they may be the best, they just don't really understand. My husband thought that I should be having a ball taking care of that baby - WRONG!! I needed a shower, I needed to sleep and man did my legs need to be shaved. Not to mention your body is all out of whack - you don't even feel human. Let alone like one of the new moms you see on TV or the parent magazines. Find someone to talk to and find a little time to your self. And it will get better!!! Good luck and I'll pray for you.

OMG can I relate! I am 39 and just had my first child 23 months ago. She was colicky and I couldnt handle 8 hours straight with her. I got angry and frustrated and guilty and just plain emotionally bereft. Medication helped but I wasnt breastfeeding. Eventually, my Mom-in-law paid for a couple weeks of nanniness so I could nap and get some respit. After that, I kept trying to cut the hours lower and lower since I felt inadequate. I wish now I had not worried about the time. My daughter was in my house and safe and sound. The nanny (now a close family friend) fit right in our family and had WAY more child rearing experience than I did. My daughter loved her and so did I. What should really make you feel validated that baby-rearing makes anyone crazy-she eventually took a job with another family working over 50 hours a week herself and told me "I now see why you had me come in a couple hours a day. This is overwhelming! I need a nanny!"
In addition, while the rest of the world thinks babies are so darn cute, this is really a lump that HOPEFULLY sleeps a lot but may not. They dont smile, laugh, walk, cuddle, giggle...nothing!! Who would expect to spend all that time in a day with someone like that? It gets better and better as she gets older, that's for sure. but, I still cant make it all day every day without getting frustrated.
What does all that mean? It is not for everyone, but I have found that nanny or sitter time has GREATLY increased the happiness factor in our family. I am a psych major and the most secure babies have mothers that work part-time. It's an old adage "if mama aint happy, aint nobody happy." My Roo goes to a PT daycare now two days a week. She gets time away and I get time alone. we come back together madly in love again.

Hi, yes it gets better. Way better. I ussually never recommend this but, call your doctor immediately and let them know how you feel. This is the beginning of postpartem depression. You could feel worse or think things that you would never think of before. It doesn't seem serious enough to call a doctor over, but just like anorexia you don't realize how serious it is and you may think that you can handle it. But, it could turn you upside down before you know it. Please remember the doctor will just keep you in check. Good luch and remember it gets better.

Wendy,
You should probably talk to your OB about post-partum depression. My very good friend suffered with this after her third son was born. She felt very similar to what you are describing when it began. It only got worse because she just thougth she was over tired with having 3 children, blah blah blah. Luckily for her, her husband noticed that she wasn't as interested in the baby and other boys and got her to the OB.

I have never suffered post-partum depression, but I have suffered depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. I know how it feels to feel like your mind and body aren't your own. Please talk with your husband and your OB.

That being said, it can be very overwhelming to be a new mom. Remember that your body is recovering from the delivery, be gentle to yourself. Don't cut yourself off from your friends and family. Lean on them. Make phone calls while the baby naps to connect with your 'life-before-baby' friends. When my 2nd child was born, I felt very cut off from my friends because it was impossible to get out very often with both kids. I talked on the phone a lot and even got in touch with some friends I hadn't spoken to in several years. It made me feel great to reminisce with them.
Good luck!

Wendy,

Please call your OB ASAP and ask for some help. It sounds to me like you are suffering from post partum depression. You would benefit from some antidepressants for a little while and your OB could prescribe them for you.

Yes, it is overwhelming to go from old life to the one having a newborn. Besides the above, the other bit of advice I would give is to sleep when the baby sleeps. Yes, your house may become a mess, but it is really okay. The more you get to sleep (even if just an hour here and there) the better you will feel.

Please do contact your doctor and let him know how you are feeling.

D.

Hang in there. I know how hard this part is. If it lasts very long or gets dire, GO SEE YOUR DOCTOR....

What might help is to make sure to start your day somewhat "normal." Get a shower, fix your hair, etc to make you feel like you. You can always sit the baby in the bathroom in a carrier (just watch the hairspray and stuff around her...) Get sunlight. Go outside. Breath the fresh air, and let the sunlight shine on you for at least fifteen minutes (make sure baby is shaded). If you can't go outside, sit by a window...Make sure to open your blinds/curtains in the morning.
As far as the baby...give it some time. Try massaging her with a little baby oil or lotion a couple times a day. Lay her on her back in front of you and focus on her little fingers and toes, the shape of her head, her tiny little nose....(I always loved to kiss my kids little feet....)

I promise this little noisey, poop machine will be a joy to your life. Some times it just takes a while.

Ask for help if you need it, and believe me, I know...If you have a new baby, you need help. We all do/did. Your hormones are trying to get back to normal, and it screws you up. Let stuff that doesn't matter go.

I don't know if you are nursing, but even if you aren't a book I had suggested skin to skin contact to help bond. Hold her directly against your chest and let everything else go. Your heartbeat will relax her. Listen to her breath. Smell her little head... (Nothing smells better than a freshly bathed baby.)

Give yourself a break. You are normal, and your life will come back...enhanced. Best to you.

Drew & Wendy,
Maybe you are experiencing post-partum depression. My future daughter in law seemed to have a similar experience after giving birth last spring. She was even on the verge of giving the baby to my son and moving back with her parents. After a couple of months she seemed to just come out of it and now is a happy, loving mother. You might talk to your OB doctor and see if he/she might recommend short-term counseling. In the meantime, is there a trusted family member who might keep your daughter for you from time to time so that you could have some free time to yourself, perhaps for shopping or lunch with friends? Good luck and God bless you!

Wendy~ Hello there! Your e-mail really struck home with me as a first-time mother of a 9 month old baby girl!
I have wanted nothing but to be a mom since i was little. And i was the same as you- i wasn't overwhelmed with this huge sense of being adly in love with my daughter- i was mroe impatient, hormonal, and i felt like a slave in my own home because i was nursing and felt i co uldn't really go anywhere because she ate so often.
I have always been a workout fanatic and was in the best shape of my life when i found out i was pregnant so you can imagine i was so anxious to hit th gym and get my old body back. And i was overwhelmed with guilt for feeling this way too.
Not to mention- no one ever told me how hard it was going to be. The 1st month or two was the hardest thing i had ever done in my life. So hard- i remember my husband and i looking at each other thinking "what have we done?!?!?!!" ya know. what a mistake!
But i can assure that i personally think after the 1st two months it gets so much better. Your daughte will start smiling more- and not just random smiles- smiling at YOU because she recognizes you. And it melts your heart. Then they laugh, and jabber, and do more and more and get their own little personality- not to mention- you are getting more sleep and aren't so emotional and hormonal. And it is the most amazing thing- my daughter is my life- well and my husband of course. But we have such a blast with her- and very motnh gets better and better. Trust me. Its hard to imagine i know- i remeber thinking that in the beginning too- in fact- i have had 3 friends have babys since i had Gracie and in the 1st month after their baby arrives i write them alla note of encouragement because- ir remember how hard it was and its nice to know other moms felt tat way too. Hang in there! It gets so much better and its so rewarding. What a blessing! I will eb thinking about you!
L.

Oh Wendy, you poor thing. I'm so sorry. :( I went through the same thing with my first child. My husband bonded with him the second he came out and it took me forever. However, I had Post Partum Depression too and didn't know it. I would cry for no reason or just feel weepy. I bonded a little more with my second child but I also stayed home (quit my job) when I had him. I also had my first son continue daycare for an extra month so I could 'bond' with the baby - AND I was put on something for my Depression, that helped A LOT. Now my third child was a daughter and I didn't get Post Partum Depression with her at all and I bonded with her like CRAZY. (I really wanted a girl then too.) My fourth child was another Boy (Boy #3) and I had to go on Depressions Meds with him too. He and I bonded very quickly too. So maybe make sure you are 'balanced' because if you are not, maybe Paxil or something like that, could help. I took it and nursed all four of my children for at least a year each, so if you are doing that, it's okay too. I know what it feels like to not have that Great Bond that Mother are "suppose" to have and it's scary. Good Luck and I hope I helped some. God Bless!

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy who you will find you can't live without one day.
Talk to your doctor at your 6 week exam. It definately sounds as though you have Post-Partum Depression. Given your age, this is normal to have this. But it does need to be treated or it can get worse. I hope you seek treatment and fall madly in love with your little girl. She is a gift from God. God Bless and Good Luck.

first of all, just relax. i believe what you're feeling is very normal and you have such a HUGE rush of hormones going through your body right now. i hear it takes months for your body to regulate in terms of your hormonal balance. it does get better.

it's tough when you had so much independence and all of the sudden you are the primary caregiver of a baby!! plus, if your husband is gone all of the time, that's an issue. it
WILL get to you and it WILL be a problem. you need to do this together. once my husband and i started working together and experiencing things together, it was like a whole new world. This is something you created as a couple, so of course you don't all of the sudden like the idea of being home alone all day with a baby and not having your husband around to help. that doesn't mean you love your baby any less. just try to get your husband involved in things. sometimes money isn't everything and you need to give up some hours to spend more time with your child, which is what your husband might have to do. in the meantime, every day your child changes and don't let yourself regret being in a down mood throughout her first few weeks of life. just try to figure out a way to share the experience more and DO NOT FORGET WHO YOU ARE. i did that and it too me about 9 months after the baby to finally say something had to change. you can't lose the things you love to do and you can still do them with support from friends. after my daughter turned 9 months, i started really taking advantage of baby sitters, family members only, and started taking some time to myself. at first i felt guilty but little ava is SO social because of all the loving people who watch her and nurture her. it's good for them. don't feel caged in, you don't have to hide away to be a great mommy! good luck.

Your feelings are so natural. Your husband works long hours and a newborn's needs are so demanding. It sounds like you also may have post partum depression. There are many meds out there that help tremendously and allow you to feel like yourself again. It also helps you to have more positive energy and a sense of bonding with your new baby. I have suffered from this after the birth of all of my children. I even continue to take antidepressants because I still suffer from depression. It has changed my life and with the medication, I am a loving mother with a zest for life. The medication helps to combat the negative feelings I have and allows me to focus on my most important roles of all: being a supportive loving wife and a nurturing loving mother. Best of luck! I'll pray for you! Kati

Talk to your doctor, don't put it off.
Your baby if a precious gift, even if right now she seems like a huge pain in the you know what!
It gets better everyday, and believe me, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
She will grow up faster than you could ever imagine, I feel like I wished the time away. I wished she would sleep through the night, I wished she would talk, I wished she would just get poddy trained and on and on. She turned 23 this year and has an AMAZING 2 year old little boy of her own. She is still my baby though.
Please talk to someone.
C.

I know exactly where you're coming from. I was so excited to have my daughter but when she was here, I honestly felt a surge of disappointment. My husband was deployed when I delivered and was only home for 2 weeks so for about the first 2 months I felt like all I did was things to please her. I never went anywhere or did anything, people had to come to me to see me. Thankfully I'm back in the states for the time being, living with my parents, and they have been a God-send because they watch her while I have some "me time". It's very important to have time to yourself because it's hard to be a mother, wife, and daughter and lose your sense of self. I've found that I wanted my life back too but rather than change my life, I only had to alter what went into it. Rather than taking 10 minutes to get ready to head to town, now it takes about 30 minutes to get everything together. I still do the things I used to, it's just a lil tweaked to include my daughter. I never went anywhere in the beginning but now I go everywhere, I don't let having a baby slow me down. When she was just 2 months old we drove to Arkansas to see my in-laws. I find that the more I've gotten out the better I feel and it helps her get used to the world around her. I hope things get better for you and if not, there's always someone around to talk to.

It is brave of you to speak up, as it's very taboo for a mother to express mixed feelings about her child. I can definitely relate to your struggles--I had a baby last October and have spent an embarrassing amount of time complaining (lack of sleep, not enough help, no free time whatsoever, alone all the time, etc.). However, I have had the traditional experience of loving this baby fiercely since she was born. While I imagine your feelings are normal, I'm a little concerned that you might be the victim of hormones and possible postpartum depression.

My husband told me over and over that things would get better and would not always be so hard. It wasn't much comfort because I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. However, my daughter is eight months old now, sleeps through the night, and I'm finally free to use the bathroom or eat a meal without holding her. (Well, mostly!) In any case I'm telling you from a few months down the road that he was right: It will get better.

There's no certain thing you have to feel about your child. I think secretly, many mothers have times of complex emotions, especially when child/caregiving is particularly difficult.

First of all congratulations on a long successful marriage and the birth of you daughter. Second of all your feeling are normal to an extent, this is all new to you and a change to your long-standing lifestyle. I suggest you get to your doctor ASAP, because this sounds like post-partum depression which can range from very mild, (just a bit blue) to severe. Your doctor can determine if you will benefit from medication and/or finding someone to talk to. It does get better I promise you that, when the baby settles into a routine, you get used to the baby and new routine. Try to spend about 15 minutes a day outside in the sunshine, sunshine does amamzing things for our bodies. Also try to get some alone time, and think of all the fun stuff you and your husband would like to do, show, teach your daughter, all the milestones you have to look forward too. Good Luck.

You might be in post-partum depression.....PLEASE seek the advice of your doctor & tell him/her what you've shared here with all of us. In time it will get better but sometimes we as women go through changes. I wish you the very best of luck & God Bless!

Girlfriend to girlfriend; please speak with your doctor to validate the level of concern and normality with your feelings. I, too, felt very sad when my first son was born. After 9 months in my tummy, I expected to meet my best friend when he was born! But out came this little helpless thing that really only cared about eating. Add in crying, lack of ability to show emotion and MY exhaustion, and I was incredibly overwhelmed. I, too, wondered if I even wanted to be a Mom and began missing the life I had. This lasted until he was developed enough to respond to my expressions, voice and touch. 5 1/2 weeks, she is not quite there yet. But close!

Though I was able to overcome these emotions naturally and feel that they are normal for many Moms to some level, I also know that Post Pardum Depression is a very serious and real issue for many new Moms and is nothing to shirk or feel ashamed of.

Your inability to pass off the baby due to hubbies long work hours is likely making you feel even more trapped. Perhaps there is a girlfriend or someone who can come visit the baby while you slip away for a short bath or walk or whatever you "used" to do to take a break from stressful situations.

Remember, too, that your body is still full of those horrible hormones! They are doing a hula dance in your body and will for a bit more. They play games with our emotions, and in a state of sleeplessnes, it's easy to let them in and lose focus.

Please speak with your doctor to develop a plan that will make you and your baby comfortable and happy.

This is okay. You are a good Mom, simply by noticing the struggle and seeking support. You have much support here and I welcome any correspondance you care to send me on a personal level. Sometimes girlfriends can bring humor and solice into tough times. We all have stories to share about times we really thought we wouldn't make it! And now I have FOUR kids! Who woulda thunk it! :)
Don't hesitate to let us help!

Most likely, you'll feel more bonded once she becomes a little more able to communicate-through facial expressions and other actions. And when you begin to sleep a little more. Sleep deprivation wreaks havoc on us! But don't be afraid to talk to your doctor, especially if you begin to feel worse. Early infancy is really a hard time- I wished I could skip past it with both of my children! Most of all, realize that you're doing a wonderful job, and don't feel guilty about your feelings. Your husband and anyone else would feel the way you do if they went through what you're going through!

Hi Wendy. I went through something similar with my 2nd child (a boy). While we had planned to have our 1st child (a girl) my son was a complete accident and came at a very bad time in our marriage. After he was born I felt like you, detached and lacking in the nurturing department. In fact, I cried every time I looked at him. Didn't want to hold him. Felt a little resentment even. It only lasted a couple of months though. Probably a severe case of post-pardom. Now he is 11 years old and I am greatful everyday for his presence in my life. Just hang in there. It does get better.

congrats on your baby. I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal. We are supposed to madly love this baby that we have been carrying around for 9+ months and when he/she gets here it might not be the same. We have to get to know them also to love them more. You might also have a little post pardem depression. You might talk to your doctor about that and see what they can recommend. It is quite a shock to now have a baby, especially if you've been married without one for 12 years - they definitely do change your life! Hang in there...

I felt the same way when I gave birth to my son. It could take a couple of months to feel "normal". Your hormones are all whacked out and it takes awhile for them to stabilize. I was going through a lot at the time as well. Me and his "Dad" broke up 5 days after he was born but luckily my Dad and Stepmom "took me in." Having a child is a HUGE change and might take awhile to adjust...that's very normal. I'm sure you will bond with your daughter and when you do it's the best feeling in the world. If you still don't feel better after a few months I would see your doctor...it might be post-partum depression. Good luck!

Hi Wendy! Yes, it WILL get better. I bet it is post pardum depression. I know after my first I felt the same way. And never would have thought I had some kind of depression. See My husband and I were only married a month and a half when we got pregnant (by accident). And I gained 80 lbs. I felt the exact same way. I felt like my husband and I didn't get enough time together. I was at my 6 week doctor appointment and just broke down. He realized what was going on. And put me on Welbutrin. I LOVED it. And it helped me lose that first weight then I went on weight watchers for the rest.

Anyway, it will get better. I am so close with both my girls. My oldest is getting ready to turn 7 and she is amazing. I don't know what I'd do without her. We are so close. After I got over the "baby blues" I felt so much better. I always felt close to her though. I just felt sad that my old life was over and my body was over:). I'll be praying for you.

Hi Wendy-

I haven't read through all the responses but I do know that it is hard being a first time mom. On the responses I did read, please do that and talk to your Doctor!

Another thing, check out MOMS Club. They are all over Kansas City. www.momsclub.org If you can't find one in your area, email me and I will find it for you. Sometimes the chapters don't have websites, but pretty much the whole Kansas City area is covered with a few exceptions.

Six weeks is a REALLY tough time period. Typically speaking, it's when a new baby is at their fussiest. And no, you are not alone, it took me a really long time to open up to my oldest son. If you'd like to know what worked for me; I let the fear go. And I acknowledged my resentment. Your life is irrevocably changed and it's ok to feel uncomfortable with that; it doesn't make you a bad mom. :)

For me, I had bottled up my feelings because I was so afraid of this new change and new responsibility that the love and bonding couldn't come through. Once I'd cried and allowed myself to be terrified of the whole situation, the warm fuzzy feelings soon followed. I still have "Bitter Days" as I call them and my boys are 2 and 4. I've accepted the fact that I'm a pretty selfish person, and probably not the best Mommy, but I work everyday to overcome that. If you'd like to talk more, feel free to email me at ____@____.com I very much agree with the moms who mentioned talking to your doctor. :)

WOW Wendy being a mommy for the fisrt time comes with so many emotions. I was ready for my fisrt one but i was a few years younger. when i had my second i was almost 30 and life was odd. When he was born he was all of the above but I did not have those motherly feelings right away. I dont know when they came but they did ( i think they came when i looked at his legs and they were purple, my mind went to a cardiac issue and that he was going to die) and i now know that the love/bond is there. What i am concerned with in your question is "post partum depression". PLEASE talk with your doctor about these feelings. I am soon to be a RN and in no way saying that there is anything wrong with you or your ability to be a great parent. Right now you have many factors that contribute to this being real and becoming an issue. NOTHING is wrong with accepting the fact that you might need medication and counceling to get through this, both are better than what many moms have done whom later have been diagnosed with PPD.

Sweetie.
that is what is called post partum. it will get better. But you really need to talk to someone. even if it's your ob. it is ok to talk to someone. it does not mean your crazy. if you live in the area I would very willing to meet you somewhere and talk to you. I went through that too. I also have a chemical inbalence. ____@____.com care of yourself it is very inpotant. daddy to take care of her and you get out even if you drive around the block.
I am here for you
A.

What you are feeling is natural. We all hope for that earth shattering moment of love to come when we have a child. Sometimes, it comes a little later. The reality of having something totally depend on you 24-7 is very scary. It's hard to give up the "old'life for the baby. It sounds to me like you have post-partum depression. I went through this too. It's no big deal, 80% of all moms get it, especially first-time moms. Talk to your doc, he/she can discuss options to help you feel better and finally find that bond you are looking for. Good luck to you!

You may have post pardom depression. You should talk to your doctor at your six week check up. I hope things get better for you and you do feel that incredible bond with your baby. Good luck and God bless

Oh, hang in there! The first months can be so lonely and you can feel so isolated. I had my first at 40 and felt resentment in addition to exhaustion and thinking my only purpose in life was to provide milk for her. As stressful as it may be, I encourage you to make plans with friends for lunch or shopping. She is as portable now as she is ever going to be, and you need you to get out of the house. She is healthy, and it is warm out so there is no reason to stay cooped up.

It does get better. I think I started to feel a sense of satisfaction when my daughter first smiled. This happened at about 7 weeks, maybe a few days later. That sense of love and bonding was not immediate for me either. Before she was born, I thought she would come out and I would know that she was all mine. But instead, she was a perfect stranger to me, and it took a while for me to feel like she was all mine. I was quick to hand her off to anyone who wanted to hold her (family and close friends). Most new moms are not like that, so I knew that I was struggling to make that bond. By the time I went back to work at 3 months, I did not want to ever leave her. So, the connection happened for me sometime between 7 and 12 weeks. It will happen for you too. But, you must make some time for yourself in the process.

I was married for 8 years before we had our first child, Audrey (who is four now) and i must say I had a hard time adjusting. I was used to being a wife-and that was it. It was hard to get used to being a mom as well. Now I really enjoy being a mom-it took a while to get used to the new role. Your life has changed a lot in the last 5 weeks!!! You are a new mom and most likely sleep deprived, your hormones are out of wack-be a little easier on yourself. Try to get help from family or friends. Sleep when the baby does. I must say the hormones do make you feel like you are not yourself. After the second baby it took 8 months for me to feel like I was myself again. It only took 3 after Audrey. Your OBGYN should do screening for post partum depression at your 6 week check up. Make sure that you get help if you need it. I found couseling after the second baby was helpful. I was having a hard time figuring out who I was now. Also, I loved my babies (they are 2 1/2 and 4 now) but I did not like the baby stage at all. As soon as they could talk I was much happier. My girls both started talking early. Once they started to get a personality, it was easier than the "unrewarding" early months when you give so much, and the only thing you get is one smile if you are lucky. It will get better. I love baing a mom now-you will figure it all out too. I will be praying for you!!! I know how hard it is!!! Try to take some time for you doing what you liked to do before the baby-it helped me remember who I was and made the transition to who I am now easier. You will do great!!!!!

It sound like you have post-partem (sp?) depression and should go to a doctor right away and discuss this. It's quite normal for many women to have a major imbalance in hormones after giving birth and it can cause the responses you are having towards your sweet, new baby.

It seems that you are experiencing post-partum depression. It's a very natural feeling and shouldn't last more than a few more months. If you feel like you may cause self harm or put your child in danger, please don't hesitate to see your doctor. Good luck. I will pray for you.

Hi Drew & Wendy,

First off congradulations on the birth of your baby girl! It's hard being new parents. As many books as they wright on the subject, every child is different. You may be feeling really overwhelmed right now, but it gets better. There is alot to take in and you have all of these emotions coming at you at once. It gets so caotic in your head that you don't know which feeling to feel. Your happy, scared, excited, depressed and maybe even angry. It is a huge step having a child. Our first year was rough, but now things are starting to calm down and life seems a bit smoother now. you may be experiencing post partum depression which is very common. Your hormones in your system drop by half the very second your baby is born. you have to think about what your body just went though. Your tired, as well as you should be. Your first one is always the most difficult as far what your body goes through. It may be a natural process, but it's your bodies first time. It does get better. Right now your baby girl doesn't do much, but when she first coo's or smiles, it will melt your heart. Every child is a miricle. She is unique and one of a kind. Cuddle with her, talk to her. She sees you as her protector. You don't have to force it. Right now, you want your old life back because it was comfortable and content. A baby can deffinatley change all that. Right now you are entering the unknown. I feel you are scared right now and feel a bit of resentment because your life has begun to change drastically. Maybe it's not what you thought or expected. That happened to me. I looked into my son's eyes and knew that this little guy was going to change my life and begun to welcome it. It's been tough, but I got through it and he is walking, talking and becoming his own person. It's amazing. Your daughter automatically knows you and loves you. She has heard you speaking during the pregnancy. She loves you unconditionally. If your thoughts continue and you aren't feeling what you should be, please contact your OBGYN. Even the mildest post partum depression can cause problems. I am not saying that is what it is, but your OB may give you something to take the edge off so you aren't so overwhelmed. It's tough being alone with a newborn. My husband travels all the time. I look back and wonder how I did it, but I did. You are stronger than you think and the insticnt of being a mother kicks in. It did for me. Sometimes it just takes a bit. It doesn't make you a bad person or a bad mother. Don't let that weigh on you, you have enough to worry about right now. I wish you luck and you and your family are in my thoughts any prayers. I hope this has been of some help to you. Take care.

A. H.

i felt the exact same way with my son...but please don't self-diagnose post partum depression. i think some measure of bewilderment, a feeling of disassociation, and not magically falling "in love" with your baby is normal. especially with your first, and being an adult having lived a full life beforehand, you can't help but have expectations and all these notions about how it's going to go...and the reality is NOTHING like that. i was 30 with my first and i really missed my old life. and didn't like the feeling that i had ALL these new jobs and responsibilities all of a sudden. i don't think anything could prepare you. i was really confused and disappointed that there wasn't this magic "aha" moment where i looked into my baby's eyes and just fell completely head over heels. this went on the first few weeks, until i felt like i had some control over my life again.

that said, only you can really decide if you need help or not. if this is affecting your life, the way you interact with people or your baby, then it might be time to talk to your doctor. don't assume you're a head case because you have these feelings...but don't assume you should be fine with all these changes and if you're not there's something wrong with you. i hope you feel better soon. feel free to message me if you want.

Invite people/ person to your house for coffee/tea. During the day when your husband is at work. That way you will have company they can play with your baby. It gives you an excuse to keep the house neat because you know somebody is coming.
Plus it will give you something interesting to talk to your husband about. Especially if someone tells you a joke so funny you almost pee your pants. You can bake or buy cookies or snacks and maybe you company might bring banana bread etc.
Have fun and relax.

It gets much better once she starts doing stuff. Especially once she isn't so needy anymore. Like once she can walk to the refrigerator and pound her hand on it and say, "drink drink drink" or "Eat Eat Eat!!!".

It's okay that you might not be a 'baby' person. Babies are very very difficult.

Keep looking forward toward the good things like walking and talking. Read to her tons so she'll get words quicker. Once she's talking to you and saying "I Love You!".....you'll melt right into her and you'll be hooked forever!

Just saw this and had to reply. By now, you are probably feeling better. But I just wanted to say I had the same thing. The best advice I ever got was "you don't fall in love with a man overnight, so don't expect to fall in love with your child immediately either. It takes time, bonding, getting to know one another, and before you know it.. you are in love." It took about 6-8 weeks for me to bond with my children. Especially my last one, cause she had colic. If after 6-8 weeks you are still not feeling close or that bonding isn't taking place, ask about post-pardum. If you are still feeling down and need to talk, feel free to send me a message. Take care!

I would recommend a support group call your local breast feeding clinic and they will help guide you to one.It may be postpartum depression,don't let it get worse your baby girl need's you and when your not feeling wellyou can't completely focus on her need's, she'll sense that.This conditon can last a few weeks a month or more but get help now and seek help from family and friend's and if your embaresed don't be it is good you can recongnize you need support.You may need to get on temp. medication to help you through but there is other options as well.Godd Luck and most of all enjoy your baby girl and your new life as a family.Sahm of 2 kiddos bay and girl and would enjoy having another a girl

I felt this way too with my first baby. I got better once I felt I had a support system and found someone to talk to. Find some baby-mama groups and get out. Talk about it with someone, new friends or old. You could go to a La Leche League group and talk to the leader, or anyone and everyone there about how you feel.

Your life has changed, and there are new challenges that you face. You will need to support yourself in different ways in order to face these challenges. Your husband being gone so often makes it even harder on you. If that has to stay that way, you'll have to find help and support elsewhere. Contrary to popular belief, mothering is not a one woman job. It truely does take a village. Sometimes you have to create one though. Take care of yourself. Your body is still adjusting to hormonal changes, and you may need a good boost of nutrition too.

You're not the only one to feel this way, but you shouldn't ignore it. Find some ways to get a break now and then (through work, a walk, a talk to a friend.) Be patient. It will take some time, but you will adjust if you focus on how to take care of your needs while you meet the needs of your baby.

Believe me, you can adapt. But do get some help. It's totally OK to need help!

Yes it gets better quickly. It is hard to have a 1st baby when you are older as I did (34) because you are so set in your ways and used to having your own life. It gets better at 3 months because the breastfeeding magically improves at this milestone. It also gets better at 6 months because the baby is older and sleeping more and you have gotten into a routine. Hang in there and I have been right where you are. If you are breastfeeding it is just a fact of life that your body is not your own and your perception is right - only thing I can say is that it truly is a tiny percentage of time given the length of your life.

Wendy, The birth of your first child is a HUGE life-changing event. All of a sudden you are at home all the time with a little person that is completely dependant upon you, with very little adult interaction. Try going to some "moms groups" perhaps with your church. Most of the hospitals have new mom chat sessions, especially if you are breast-feeding, go. Get out of the house, even if it's only to take a walk around the block. If you see a neighbor, stop and chit-chat. Do some things that make you feel a little more "normal". You can take a six week old baby anywhere, the mall, the library, a resturant. The way you are feeling is perfectly normal. When my son was about 3 weeks old my husband kept telling me to go to bed at about 9:00 because I'd be up during the night, well I didn't want to go to bed I wanted time with him! I was also a little resentful of the fact that my life had turned upside down and his hadn't changed at all.

Take Care, Call Friends, Talk to your Dr. if you think you need to. M.

Dear Wendy,

It sounds like postpartum depression to me dear. I've been there. It's a very dark and scary place. Meds did not work for me. Talking about it did and still does.

I am begging you to talk to someone; your doctor, counselor, religious figure, understanding friend, family, someone! Please don't let this go on without some help. If your husband is working a very stressful job, I would not lean on him for support right now. Maybe give him a heads up but seek help somewhere else.

There are places out there willing to help. But if you need someone to talk to (sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger about it) contact me. I will listen.

Sending your big hugs!!! (((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

Take care,

J. H.
____@____.com

Wendy,
You may want to think about talking to your doctor about an antidepressant to get you through the rough time. If you are breast feeding, I recommend Zoloft more than any other antidepressant simply because there are more studies on it. I am 33 and my husband is 36. We have been married for 7 years and just had a baby boy (who is now 15 weeks old). Our 11 year old dog has been our baby all along. This was a big adjustment for us as at our age we are all so set in our ways that when our lives turn upside down with adding a child, we are thrown out of balance. My husband had a much more difficult time adjusting than I did (he is still trying to adjust). Remember...you have spent the last twelve years doing whatever you two wanted...now, it's time to give that up for a while. After my son hit the three month mark it got much easier. I swear those first three months are so hard!! Just be patient and don't be afraid to ask for help. If you are feeling that you want your old life back, please talk to your doctor. It may be hard, but you have a beautiful, innocent baby girl who asks only to be loved by you. She is so vulnerable and it is your and your husband's job to make sure she gets her needs met. If you feel you can't meet those needs or don't want to meet those needs ... ask for help and see your doctor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am on an antidepressant and am feeling great!! It helps to bring me back to normalness.

Wendy:

It sounds like you are going through some Post-partum depression. Make an appt. with a therapist, who specializes in this type of treatment.

A. L

Hi,

I would talk to your OB at you 6 week checkup I think you may have depression which is so common after the birth of a child. I'm sure you'll get past this & bond with your daugther and you won't want your old life back anymore you won't know what you did without her :)

L.

You have been given a gift. A child is someone you can entrust your values, your ideas with that is carried on long after you leave this earth. A baby rewards you with a smile, or just excitement when you are around. When they are older they may give you something they made in school for you, but mostly its a thankless job. What's interesting though is not only does the child grow physically, mentally and emotionally, but as you parent you child you begin to grow mentally and emotionally as well. Before you know it your a great mother.

You got some great advice. I just also wanted to say to look for a moms group or schedule playdates. (Google MOPS.) I was so bored with my daughters while alone with them and I thought I was a bad mom. When I had another adult to talk to the days would fly by and I would play with my kids, too. So I just wanted to encourage you to make sure you do what you need (without guilt)including a mom's night out or date night. You will come back refreshed and ready to dive back into the fray. Good luck.

Also, don't worry if you have to ask several moms for playdates before you find one that sticks. It isn't personal if they don't want to. Sometimes they have plenty of help or something else going on and just don't want it right now. Just keep asking (and praying) for the right mom and you'll find someone that's a fun playdate for you, too. :)

Be gentle on yourself - you have just put your body through an amazing exhausting journey, and hormones are still going crazy. I also did not feel a huge bond at first - this little crying thing that just wanted my breasts - argh! I think the first 3 months are really the hardest in many ways, and it was by 6 months when I really started to enjoy being a mum (I was also 35 when I had my first child). You may also have some type of post baby blues or depression, but you should talk to your doctor. Otherwise, just acknowledge this is a stage, and gradually you will be amazed at how much you love your child. Good Luck!

I am sure I am not going to be the only one to tell you this. But it does get better, but if you feel like it isn't, if you really feel that something is not right then talk to your doctor right away. Many woman get post partum blues and there isn't anything wrong with those that do. Our emotions go up and down like a scary roller coaster through preg and right after the birth. Some woman need a little bit of extra help and there is not a thing wrong with that!! SO keep that in mine. It is not easy being home with a child all day long, especially when they are demanding EVERYTHING you have and then some. Try to rest more when she sleeps. Do not feel that you have to do everything. I always wanted to get right back into things and it just really catches up with you quickly. The high that you have right after then baby is born goes away and the sleep that you have been missing catches up!! The dishes can wait, the floor will still need to be vacummed and the toliet cleaned...take a break, you deserve it and do not ever feel that you are doing something wrong if you need to ask for extra help!
Goodluck
N.

Dear Wendy my advice would be to take it one moment at a time. It is very hard going from being free to do what you want anytime you want to timing when you can take a shower and how long you can be in the store before the little one has a breakdown. Remember you feel what you feel and you are not a bad person for feeling it. Change is difficult and it takes TIMETalk to as many friends with children as possible about your emotions. Don't let anyone make you feel like you are a bad mother because you have not bonded with you sweet baby right away. Find support in your faith and if you don't have one pray for a direction and for peace.